lillamy

This weekend, AH fell down the stairs. I thought for sure having the scotch wiped off him by his 8-year-old daughter would be a wakeup call. But the next morning, he had no memory of it.

Then yesterday, he screwed up big time at work, for the first time ever. Probably because he hadn't sobered up before trying to do something really complicated that he would usually just breeze through.

And he's not talking, at all. And I take that as a good sign. Maybe he's actually thinking. Maybe he's just getting drunk again.

Either way, I'm staying out of it. Minute by minute. If I have to get the duct tape and put it over my mouth, I'll stay out of it. Right?

Zoey

Yup, stay out of it. Good luck with that! LOL You will handle it I feel sure. Keep us posted.

"Nothing to fear, but fear itself" Nice saying and true of unreasonable, unfounded fears, but at times fear saves our hide.

Caring, understanding hugs

mallowcup

Oh, this is the perfect time to let him stew in his own juices.

Sunflower

hard to stay out of it when you are living with him?

lilac

Yep, just stand back.....I know it IS hard when you live with them.

denny57

How's it going today?

hope2bhappy

Hmmmmm... Maybe... maybe not... I'm just thinking out loud, here. Maybe he's ripe for a suggestion. I said a "suggestion." Not a nag, not an argument, not an ultimatum... a suggestion.

The "To Wives" chapter of the AA Big Book says that we can make a suggestion after a particularly bad episode. Saying something like, "It really scared little Suzie and me the other night when you fell down the stairs. Would you like to get some help for your drinking?" If they say "yes," great. If they say "no," then shut up and leave it alone.

Mine finally said "yes." The shock almost made ME fall down the stairs.

You know your husband better than anyone else, and only you can decide what to do.

lillamy

Well, we have a strange arrangement -- he commutes weekly to work, comes home most weekends unless they have mandatory overtime. So he's been stewing all week. He called and felt sorry for himself a couple of times, and I refused to play along. And the way I used to be, I would have been torn apart inside, wondering what he was thinking and feeling. Now, I am able to say, "you know, you're drunk, and you're wallowing in self-pity, and both of those activities are things you can feel free to do on your own. Goodnight, sleep well. I'll talk to you tomorrow." And hang up the phone without feeling guilty.

It's been almost exactly a year since I started going to meetings, and it's amazing to me to see how far I have come. How I have really grown into becoming my own person -- again -- and how much stronger I am. As one of my friends says -- babysteps take you where you want to go, if you take enough of them.

LiLL

There've been many times I thought my AH had learned a lesson and I would try so hard to come up with something clever to say hoping that I can help motivate him to seek recovery and stay sober. I always said way too much, gave him way too much advice, had too much hope. I always felt stupid afterwards. Eventually I figured keeping my mouth shut is best. Although i also agree with hope2bhappy that we can give suggestion (without repeating) at the right time.

Lillamy, glad to hear you're enjoying your recovery. The way you're handling the situation certainly sounds very sensible. I think, when we start to recover and change, the A will notice and that would be a much bigger motivator for them to change than being asked to change.

Sunflower

the more you learn--the more you change--the better it will be for you no matter what the end result is...

chero

Hey Lill, I hope you don't mind but I'm gonna borrow this one! That's a great line! And congrats on the baby steps! Congrats on letting him do this one alone! It's so hard for us codies but it's do-able!
Keeping you in my prayers!