Sarah2003

Wow....I just spent 30 minutes creating my initial post and plea for support.....hit submit and lost the entire message!

Short version....I just came upon this site....and am very thankful that I did. Married to alcoholic husband for 20 years...together for 22. He's 49 and I'm 40. Three kids.

Separated three months ago...I'm sad and I don't know if I can take him back. Both of us have successful careers.....he's attractive, smart, charming, well-respected in the community etc. I'm a co-dependent, enabler, compliant who has spent life protecting our children from the knowledge of his illness....until recent events in January, when his actions affected them.

I don't know if our marriage can recover from this and am feeling guilty and having doubts if I'm doing the right thing for everyone. Seeing a Christian counselor who is validating the separation and tells me that self-sacrifice is NOT good for the children.

Husband has been sober for a little over two months, and states that he is a changed man. I've heard that over and over through the years. I've cried with him, supported him, prayed with him and for him. I've forgiven him countless times and trusted him. I've attended family treatment programs, Alanon, counselors. His actions/behaviors involving sex and other women have finally broken me. He accepts that he is powerless over alcohol, but denies any sort of sex addiction.

I have been faithful to my husband throughout our entire marriage, until recently. I reached out, or I accepted, the comfort, love and attention from another man, who is NOT an alcoholic....a business associate who I've known for years. I have not seen him for nearly two months, but we still talk via telephone. I crave the comfort and support that he gives to me. Although it is not sexual, it is a very emotional relationship. My husband discovered this and went into a deeper rage, depression, etc. He's trying very hard to "fix us" and control me.

This does not have the level of detail that my first message had before it disappeared. I'm here because I need support from people who understand this illness.

God bless,

S

osier59

Hi Sarah

You have come to the right place. We DO understand the emotions, the frustrations, everything that comes along with this powerful, baffling and cunning disease.

I would urge you to go back to Al Anon or to keep going if you currently attend a meeting. All you can do is focus on your own recovery. Many here will recommend that you dont' make any major changes for a year or so, just to work on your recovery and let him work on his.

There are a number of great Power Posts at the top of this forum page where you will find more great information.

Keep coming back. the others will be along shortly to offer more words of encouragement and their experiences in this situation.

HUGS
Osier59

lyn_blossom78

You've found the right place to be! So many people here have been through what you are going through. Glad you found us.

There are some stickies at the top of this forum. You will find a wealth of information in them. Others will be along soon to give you more wisdom than I can.

Take care of yourself, and Welcome.

Hugs,
Lyn

P.S.: Something I do to keep from losing a message when I send it, is I highlight it, and hit Ctrl-C (copy). Then send it. If it doesn't send and "loses" it, I just logout, log back in, go to post another message, and hit Ctrl-V (paste). I'm sure it was aggrivating!:p

Gabe

It sounds to me like you are turning away from an unhealthy relationship that has not given you what you've wanted for years...and turning towards a healthy, emotionally supportive relationship. That being said, be careful about new relationships right now. Sometimes when we are really needy, we aren't the best judge of where we need to be, or who we need to be with.
It is immensly hard to deal with the ending of a relationship that has gone on for so many years, no matter how unhealthy it is.
I'm glad you found this board. I'm sure that you will get a lot of good advice, support and big hugs here when you need them.
Peace,
Gabe

JT

I too have been married for 21 years...my guess is that your children are not young. But old enough to get what is going on. I agree about not jumping from one relationship into another but I also understand needing a friend.

As far as your husband you know him better than any of us and you were pretty clear about what is going on. If it is time to leave so be it, but taking care of you should be at the top of the list of things to do. You have experienced Alanon and councelling. I would continue that journey so you can have some peace regardless of what your future holds.

Stick around,
JT

Sarah2003

Thank you for your kind words and support. I'm grateful I found this site. It's comforting to have you all to communicate with, knowing that I'm not alone.

This is a very difficult time. Sometimes I think it would be easier to give up, give in, and go back to the dysfunction we've lived for over twenty years. At least I knew what to expect then....ANYTHING and NOTHING.

My A is constantly calling, sending e-mails, crying, wants me back. He states he has found God, and he's changed. I don't trust that. There have been too many painful incidents involving alcohol, and sex, and women. Everything on the outside appeared normal....to friends and family. During the last three months I've gradually shared some of the events that have occured. My husband is an over-achiever, and has a very successful career. He's charming, smart and attrative. During one of his promotions at work, a female co-worker stepped up and informed high-level corp that if he were to get that promotion, she was going to file sexual harrassment charges against him. He didn't fight it, and stepped down.....not accepting the promotion. But it didn't hurt his career. That is just one example, a moderate one, of his actions. There are more painful incidents. There are many others that I've put away deep inside me, and they are all coming to the surface at once. I always thought I was doing what is right for our kids.

Thank you all for your replies.....

God Bless

S

Hangin' In

Sarah,

Welcome to this board. I'm so sorry you are having to experience the pain you are presently in. Yep, it comes with being involved with an A, whether that A be our spouse, child or parent.

Maybe you could ask yourself "What would be the best thing for ME?" And I understand your comment about "I thought I was doing the right thing for the kids." Had a friend say THE VERY SAME THING. She decided she couldn't stay in her marriage. You have to decide what is best for you and the kids.

So try to put YOURSELF first for once. You'll have to ask yourself some hard questions, but think about the long run. What would be best for you?

Keeping you in my prayers,

Hangin' In

Rose56

Hi Sarah,
I want to welcome you to this site. The folks here have helped me immensely over the last year. I too and married to an alcoholic spouse and I am still in the relationship. The pain and the confusion can be so hard to bear. I have found tht sharing here and in Alanon meeting have helped me so much to handle my feelings and situation.

It sounds like you know the path that you are on and what you need to do. I agree that believing the promises of an alcoholic is not a wise decision. I have been hurt so many time with doing that.

I think the most powerful concept for me has been taking good care of myself. It sounds so simple but for us codependents it is the most dificult concept to understand and implement. Start doing what is right for YOU and things will fall into place.

Welcome and keep coming back and sharing with us.

Daffodil

Sarah;
So glad you found this site...since you've been to Al-Anon I can only hope you heard the 3 C's
You didn't cause it
You can't contol it
You can't cure it.

To me it sounds so selfish to keep the focus on me UNTIL my sponsor told me
NOT ME FIRST BUT ME TAKING MY TURN....I had never thought about life in that way in the 45 years of living before Al-Anon...I guess I was waiting for someone to step up and say IT'S HER TURN...No one did....It is something I have to do for myself...

I started working the program of Al-Anon and still work it today ...I read the litature, attend meetings,have a sponsor, and come here...

I am never alone unless I chose to be...so keep coming back you'll find a ton of wisdon, 2 tons of understanding, and 3 tons of love...Take what you can use and leave the rest...

paige n

Thank you for replying to my post the other day. I sure related to so many things you said. Especially the part about your husband coming over to "see the kids" and then just wanting you to talkl, talk, talk, talk, talk! THat just drives me INSANE!! I, too, have found alot of support through an old friend that grew up in an alcoholic home. He understands what its like and its nice to have someone to talk to. Nothing at all is going on past that but my husband had a fit. I felt really bad about it. Was not trying to hurt him in any way.
My husband was a sales mgr, bright, gorgeous, smart, outgoing, the whole bit. I just don't understand what happened. He's only 32 years old. Way too young to go. He was fired from his old job but he was lucky enought to get great references from his former boss. The boss was extremely supportive through all this. He landed another job with a great company and is in training this week. Called tonight and can't even talk he's so drunk. I hurt inside so bad. I'm starting to think it might be the time to make peace with the past and move on in to a new future. It is so scary though, especially with little ones to take care of.
Keep posting here. It sounds like you're making good decisions and setting your boundaries. This site has helped me so much in the past. I'll be praying for you.

constant

Sarah, I am sorry that you are having all the things that you have had locked away for so long running like old movies through your head. It truely is difficult to sort through and make decisions. I would have to agree that working on yourself, finding another al-anon group, coming here are great things to help and be careful with new relationships.

I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone in reaching out. I am married to an alcoholic (15 years, 3 children) that I began dating in High School so 15 years is really more like 21 years, but about 6 years ago (before I realized or admitted that he was an alcoholic) I met someone. He was a good friend of both of us. Someone that saw what I was dealing with and seemed to care. I was so starved for attention that I fell all over him. We were never intimate, but the emotional attachment was overwhelming. Now that 6 years have past I realize that a lot of what I thought were genuine feelings for him were "tricks" by my mind that was dying for a REAL relationship. Kind of like the grass is always greener saying. Now I don't see him as "all that" like I did then.

We all need someone to care about US and OUR feelings and this is a great place to get the support that we need.
HUGS, Constant

Sarah2003

Thanks so much for the wonderful, supportive replies! You are all fabulous and I appreciate the time you took to offer help to me.

I met with my counselor yesterday. He's very good and is working to provide me with the tools and knowledge I need during this difficult time. I'm feeling a bit stronger, however, I do have terrible stabs of guilt and saddness when I see or talk to my H. I'm continuing to work on setting boundaries. The book, Boundaries, by Dr. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, is excellent. "Co-Dependent No More" has been my bible for over a decade and I think "Boundaries" will be one that I will also re-read, review etc for years to come also. On the job and with our children, I'm typically very confident, self-assured and decisive. With my alcoholic husband, I am passive, fearful and terribly unsure of myself. I allow him to control me. Last night he was scheduled to come to the house for two hours to see the kids. He asked to talk to me. I agreed and gave him 15 minutes.....well......35 minutes later, he finally left. And before we began to talk he took my hands and made a committment to me to respect my boundaries! (I think I'm going to get tired of that word very soon! But they are so necessary)

Thanks again for your kind words, thoughts and prayers. It is so awesome to have your support.

S

Hangin' In

Sarah,

It's a day at a time. Time will tell if the boundaries will continue to be respected.

Keeping you in my prayers,

Hangin' In