On the fence hanging
On the fence hanging
Hello everyone! I just want to say that from reading a few things in this place you all appear very wonderful, like family! Ok....I'm not going to go into a big long song and dance about myself-I will try to do the brief history-I grew up with a few A brothers, one who is now in jail-(As he says it is his happy place now-away from fear-He will be off probabtation when he is out and will be free to live his life again-in recovery!). My father also was an A but my parents divorced at age of 7-so I was not subjected to that as much.
I have gone to Alanon and will continue to go-which brings me to my current issue at hand....I was dating this guy a little over 2 years-(Very good at hiding he was an A for the first year or so) I finally caught on-as the mood swings began, the verbal abuse, the throwing and breaking things (throwing one of my dogs across the room) when not getting what he wanted or being out of control-I had to call the police on him on several occasions for him following me-running me off the road blah blah quack quack....here I am almost a year later-after I got a final restraining order-and he was proceeding to call me text message me etc....I which was wrong in doing so responded to him asking him to please stop which then escalated to being nasty this has gone on for over 3 months- (I feel that I was giving him a chance to back off like I asked because I know if I called the cops he would go to jail for a long period of time for breaking the restraining order) And yes I should have which I know, yes he should take responsibility for his actions and not myself. See the thing is that i know all of this and feel there is a reason I hesistated (because of my brother?) but I finally did it! I called he was arrested and realeased pending a hearing next week-which he will be placed in jail- Since this happened he has again contacted me "begging me to drop this that he does not want to spend his summer in jail he has learned his lesson" Ummm hello LEARNED HIS LESSON as he is calling me after just being arrested?! Ha Ha Ummmmm NO!
The sad thing is he needs to because there is something else I believe going on with him besides being an A-and for the main reason he is still harrasing me and stalking me- part of me is feeling he may snap although he has never been physically abusive, part of me feels sad for him (which is normal from my own family issues) and part of me does not want to see him go to jail.
I guess what I'm searching for is not someone to make my choices because I make those in life but just some guidance or reassurance that I'm doing what I know is the right thing and how do you get beyond those feeling sad for them? Although at the same time your drained beaten into the ground from the continually non-stop abuse
I'm very glad to be here! Thank you!
I have gone to Alanon and will continue to go-which brings me to my current issue at hand....I was dating this guy a little over 2 years-(Very good at hiding he was an A for the first year or so) I finally caught on-as the mood swings began, the verbal abuse, the throwing and breaking things (throwing one of my dogs across the room) when not getting what he wanted or being out of control-I had to call the police on him on several occasions for him following me-running me off the road blah blah quack quack....here I am almost a year later-after I got a final restraining order-and he was proceeding to call me text message me etc....I which was wrong in doing so responded to him asking him to please stop which then escalated to being nasty this has gone on for over 3 months- (I feel that I was giving him a chance to back off like I asked because I know if I called the cops he would go to jail for a long period of time for breaking the restraining order) And yes I should have which I know, yes he should take responsibility for his actions and not myself. See the thing is that i know all of this and feel there is a reason I hesistated (because of my brother?) but I finally did it! I called he was arrested and realeased pending a hearing next week-which he will be placed in jail- Since this happened he has again contacted me "begging me to drop this that he does not want to spend his summer in jail he has learned his lesson" Ummm hello LEARNED HIS LESSON as he is calling me after just being arrested?! Ha Ha Ummmmm NO!
The sad thing is he needs to because there is something else I believe going on with him besides being an A-and for the main reason he is still harrasing me and stalking me- part of me is feeling he may snap although he has never been physically abusive, part of me feels sad for him (which is normal from my own family issues) and part of me does not want to see him go to jail.
I guess what I'm searching for is not someone to make my choices because I make those in life but just some guidance or reassurance that I'm doing what I know is the right thing and how do you get beyond those feeling sad for them? Although at the same time your drained beaten into the ground from the continually non-stop abuse
I'm very glad to be here! Thank you!
Welcome--I understand your fears. If you feel like he is going to ''snap'' he probably is! I had that feeling as well and ignored it--big mistake-it happened.How can you not feel bad about someone you care about going through this not matter what they put you through? That makes you normal,Sounds like you are strong enough to take action when needed aas well...is there a way to avoid jail and put him in a lockdown psych facility? You may want to ask the judge that.Walk away knowing you did the best you could--the rest is up to him
Welcome to SR Lexi. Glad to have you with us.
I don't know all the circumstances of his case, but that's not necessarily accurate! My ex broke the restraining order numerous times. Only went to jail until he could post bail. Same thing happened after he was a no show for the court date and a bench warrant was issued on top of it. When all was said and done, all he got was probation and mandatory AA! AA was part of his sentence the 'first time' around too! Apparently he only went for as long as it was mandated. And yet the court fell for whatever garbage he dished out and sent him to AA yet again (hmmm...what's that definition of 'insanity' again??). Anyone can sign those AA attendance cards that are presented to court....go figure!
My point...courts are not as strict as we tend to think they might be.
In my case, I had no problem with no contact because I was afraid of him....truly afraid for my life.That fear overcame my feelings of love and my need (at the time) to help or protect him. I guess you could say I hit my bottom. Another way to look at it was it was my first step of loving and taking care of myself more than loving or caring for him!
Since you didn't ask for advice let me just say this...by returning his messages, perhaps you haven't hit your bottom yet. Only you would know that for sure.
Again, welcome to SR. Please keep coming back! Oh, and there's good information on abuse located in the stickies at the top of this form. Might not be a bad idea to look them over and see what 'ya think!
My point...courts are not as strict as we tend to think they might be.
In my case, I had no problem with no contact because I was afraid of him....truly afraid for my life.That fear overcame my feelings of love and my need (at the time) to help or protect him. I guess you could say I hit my bottom. Another way to look at it was it was my first step of loving and taking care of myself more than loving or caring for him!
Since you didn't ask for advice let me just say this...by returning his messages, perhaps you haven't hit your bottom yet. Only you would know that for sure.
Again, welcome to SR. Please keep coming back! Oh, and there's good information on abuse located in the stickies at the top of this form. Might not be a bad idea to look them over and see what 'ya think!
Actually thank you for your post ICU but yes I have hit my bottom with him-
1. I responded in anger because he has been in interfearing with my day on a continual basis-should I have gone to the police YES- I was trying to give him the chance to stop and possible take care of himself-I cannot and will not take care of him-(I have tried to push him in the correct direction but I cannot lead him to where he has to be without taking away from my life and what is important ME!
2. Actually it is very accurate because this is the THIRD time he has been arrested with a perm restraining order against him- he is facing up to 6 months in jail right now- and if he is arrested again now before his trial the bail will probably according to the police be set so high he will be unable to be bailed out-
It is possible ICU that things are different in each state. I live in NJ and the area that I live in they take this very serious as they do in MOST STATES maybe not yours?
But thank you for your words....maybe you could look into your state laws a bit better and find something there that they should have done for you and did not.
1. I responded in anger because he has been in interfearing with my day on a continual basis-should I have gone to the police YES- I was trying to give him the chance to stop and possible take care of himself-I cannot and will not take care of him-(I have tried to push him in the correct direction but I cannot lead him to where he has to be without taking away from my life and what is important ME!
2. Actually it is very accurate because this is the THIRD time he has been arrested with a perm restraining order against him- he is facing up to 6 months in jail right now- and if he is arrested again now before his trial the bail will probably according to the police be set so high he will be unable to be bailed out-
It is possible ICU that things are different in each state. I live in NJ and the area that I live in they take this very serious as they do in MOST STATES maybe not yours?
But thank you for your words....maybe you could look into your state laws a bit better and find something there that they should have done for you and did not.
I'm sorry Lexi if I came on strong or upset you. Didn't mean to. I sometimes fail to pay close attention to the tone of my words, but I'm working on it.
Hopefully we can have a good chuckle about what I'm about to say next....ready????
I live in NJ too and it's the NJ courts I was referring to!
Hopefully we can have a good chuckle about what I'm about to say next....ready????
I live in NJ too and it's the NJ courts I was referring to!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
Hi, Lexi... I have something for you to think about... any person who would physically hurt a defensless animal is just one step away from physically hurting a human being. Please be strong and steer clear of this guy.
Perhaps reading this book will shine some light on his behavior: Why Does He DO That? by Lundy Bancroft. Not all abusers are alcoholics and not all alcoholics are abusers. Granted, abusing alcohol over the years causes one's thinking and behavior to become irresponsible and erratic; however, abuse is abuse. Take the booze away from the abuser and you still have an abuser.
This book was the ultimate "ah-ha!" moment for me. Everything that never made sense made perfect sense. I certainly got closure when I realized my AH was a jerk with or without the booze. His feelings of entitlement to manipulate and abuse me in order to maintain his position of control were evident even when he was not drinking.
Perhaps it will shed some light on questions you have.
This book was the ultimate "ah-ha!" moment for me. Everything that never made sense made perfect sense. I certainly got closure when I realized my AH was a jerk with or without the booze. His feelings of entitlement to manipulate and abuse me in order to maintain his position of control were evident even when he was not drinking.
Perhaps it will shed some light on questions you have.
Look at it this way, if you truly feel that he needs to be in jail to get help then you shouldn't feel selfish right? Also, listen to your instincts, it is very hard to do but believe me, I learned the hard way. My A threatened my dog, a year later, kicked the crap out of me.
Jail time may show him you are serious about staying away from you too. I felt bad for a long time too but it isn't like they feel so bad about what they do to you that they care enough to change thier behavior. So, convince yourself that it is the best thing for him and take care of you. Good luck sweetie, keep us posted! B P.S. reminder-listen to your instincts.
Jail time may show him you are serious about staying away from you too. I felt bad for a long time too but it isn't like they feel so bad about what they do to you that they care enough to change thier behavior. So, convince yourself that it is the best thing for him and take care of you. Good luck sweetie, keep us posted! B P.S. reminder-listen to your instincts.
You have no reason to feel badly, or guilty for that matter. You know what your doing is right. This is one of those times where I would use my motto "Let the Chips fall where they May" know what I mean? Or leave whats done as done for now. Its ok to feel the way you do, but you only did what you felt was right at the time, so continue doing so..keep coming back here, it can get better, but nothing will change if nothing changes.
ICU- Sorry I maybe came on a bit strong too-this is a probation (2nd) violation and the county that it is in is very strict-I have spoken to the police, a family member (who is also a cop/detective) and a friend who is an attorney-they feel that he will spend a fair amount of time in jail and the sad thing is HE STILL IS NOT STOPPING and setting himself up for more damage- (not my problem) ...out of my hands
Prodigal-Thank you! That sounds like a very healthy read-I plan to take you up on that one! "Jerk with or without booze" <--yup uh huh! I can relate to that one!
Nuudawn and Hope2bHappy-thank you both very well said and much appreciated!
Bjen-"It isn't like they feel so bad about what they do to you that they care enough to change thier behavior" SO TRUE! And he has had alot of time and chances to correct HIS BEHAVIOR before it became unacceptable anymore. I spent way to much of my energy on this person and will not allow my energy to be taken away from me and my life- which brings me to Bon Bon......I feel badly..but not guilty- The feeling bad is that "Cody" kicking in which rears its head every now and again-the good thing is I know this the hard thing is actually brining myself to accepting that I do not have to feel badly and get my rear to another Al Anon meeting! =) *smile*................
Thank you all so much for the support and comments they really help and I'm so glad that I'm here!
I think it sounds like you're doing the right thing.
I also think he HAS been physically abusive - he threw a dog across the room.
Take care and hit some more meetings if you have to. Lots of love to you.
I also think he HAS been physically abusive - he threw a dog across the room.
Take care and hit some more meetings if you have to. Lots of love to you.
No problem. Glad to see you're back!
Ahhhh...second 'probation' violation. I didn't pick up on that before. I understand now! That's definitely more serious!
I also recommend that book that Prodigal referenced. It's an eye opener for sure. It's a part of my library and I refer to it often.
I wish you the best. Keep coming back, ok?
Ahhhh...second 'probation' violation. I didn't pick up on that before. I understand now! That's definitely more serious!
I also recommend that book that Prodigal referenced. It's an eye opener for sure. It's a part of my library and I refer to it often.
I wish you the best. Keep coming back, ok?
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Hi,
Sorry but he has been physically abusive with you, he threw one of your dogs across the room and threw and broke your things. That is physical abuse towards even though he didn't touch you.
And it will escalate and it will happen again if you don't deal with it. One of these times he will strike you.
Earthworm
Sorry but he has been physically abusive with you, he threw one of your dogs across the room and threw and broke your things. That is physical abuse towards even though he didn't touch you.
And it will escalate and it will happen again if you don't deal with it. One of these times he will strike you.
Earthworm
Hello everyone! I just want to say that from reading a few things in this place you all appear very wonderful, like family! Ok....I'm not going to go into a big long song and dance about myself-I will try to do the brief history-I grew up with a few A brothers, one who is now in jail-(As he says it is his happy place now-away from fear-He will be off probabtation when he is out and will be free to live his life again-in recovery!). My father also was an A but my parents divorced at age of 7-so I was not subjected to that as much.
I have gone to Alanon and will continue to go-which brings me to my current issue at hand....I was dating this guy a little over 2 years-(Very good at hiding he was an A for the first year or so) I finally caught on-as the mood swings began, the verbal abuse, the throwing and breaking things (throwing one of my dogs across the room) when not getting what he wanted or being out of control-I had to call the police on him on several occasions for him following me-running me off the road blah blah quack quack....here I am almost a year later-after I got a final restraining order-and he was proceeding to call me text message me etc....I which was wrong in doing so responded to him asking him to please stop which then escalated to being nasty this has gone on for over 3 months- (I feel that I was giving him a chance to back off like I asked because I know if I called the cops he would go to jail for a long period of time for breaking the restraining order) And yes I should have which I know, yes he should take responsibility for his actions and not myself. See the thing is that i know all of this and feel there is a reason I hesistated (because of my brother?) but I finally did it! I called he was arrested and realeased pending a hearing next week-which he will be placed in jail- Since this happened he has again contacted me "begging me to drop this that he does not want to spend his summer in jail he has learned his lesson" Ummm hello LEARNED HIS LESSON as he is calling me after just being arrested?! Ha Ha Ummmmm NO!
The sad thing is he needs to because there is something else I believe going on with him besides being an A-and for the main reason he is still harrasing me and stalking me- part of me is feeling he may snap although he has never been physically abusive, part of me feels sad for him (which is normal from my own family issues) and part of me does not want to see him go to jail.
I guess what I'm searching for is not someone to make my choices because I make those in life but just some guidance or reassurance that I'm doing what I know is the right thing and how do you get beyond those feeling sad for them? Although at the same time your drained beaten into the ground from the continually non-stop abuse
I'm very glad to be here! Thank you!
I have gone to Alanon and will continue to go-which brings me to my current issue at hand....I was dating this guy a little over 2 years-(Very good at hiding he was an A for the first year or so) I finally caught on-as the mood swings began, the verbal abuse, the throwing and breaking things (throwing one of my dogs across the room) when not getting what he wanted or being out of control-I had to call the police on him on several occasions for him following me-running me off the road blah blah quack quack....here I am almost a year later-after I got a final restraining order-and he was proceeding to call me text message me etc....I which was wrong in doing so responded to him asking him to please stop which then escalated to being nasty this has gone on for over 3 months- (I feel that I was giving him a chance to back off like I asked because I know if I called the cops he would go to jail for a long period of time for breaking the restraining order) And yes I should have which I know, yes he should take responsibility for his actions and not myself. See the thing is that i know all of this and feel there is a reason I hesistated (because of my brother?) but I finally did it! I called he was arrested and realeased pending a hearing next week-which he will be placed in jail- Since this happened he has again contacted me "begging me to drop this that he does not want to spend his summer in jail he has learned his lesson" Ummm hello LEARNED HIS LESSON as he is calling me after just being arrested?! Ha Ha Ummmmm NO!
The sad thing is he needs to because there is something else I believe going on with him besides being an A-and for the main reason he is still harrasing me and stalking me- part of me is feeling he may snap although he has never been physically abusive, part of me feels sad for him (which is normal from my own family issues) and part of me does not want to see him go to jail.
I guess what I'm searching for is not someone to make my choices because I make those in life but just some guidance or reassurance that I'm doing what I know is the right thing and how do you get beyond those feeling sad for them? Although at the same time your drained beaten into the ground from the continually non-stop abuse
I'm very glad to be here! Thank you!
Yes earthworm...you are right-but not to worry I do not see him anymore or speak to him-just stupidly opening that window when I get so mad and give him a response like F off when I should not even be doing that and I know this! Al anon is teaching me alot-due also to my A brother-I'am a pretty strong person but as of late lacking that tiny bit more strength that I need to not respond to him in a negative or positive way AT ALL! This is what they he or anyone like him wants! A reaction of any kind and they then interpret it the way that they want too....not the way that we intended for them...And I realize this it is just applying what I already know and have learned-which I'm doing my best to work on and so far have been doing fairly well-hence calling the cops! One step more towards getting my peace back into my world!
Thank you
Thank you
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