Day one tomorrow
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
Day one tomorrow
Another rant alert people.
I am not doing so good. Mum stuff. She rang to be supportive but it has had the opposite affect on me. First Dad talked and just said he was thinking of me and that was fine and then he left and I got stuck with Mum. She lectures forever.
Back to day 1. Mum got sick when I was born. She had me in a strange country in difficult circumstances. I ruined her for having other children and she had wanted a son (her words). Due to her problems, she had to go to hospital for many months. We were separated from birth and I was raised by a nanny who I thought was my Mum. I lost the nanny when I was four and Mum got stuck with me.
She is an alcoholic in denial. I learnt to drink from her. In fact it is the only thing she ever really taught me was how to get through an evening drinking and not have too much of a hangover in the morning. Nothing about sex or growing up or boys or anything. I had a terrible fright when I got my period and I thought I was dying. She had been drinking and was pissed off that she had to drive to the store to get pads. I was 14.
When she rang earlier, she asked a million questions about my drinking - all the time trying to justify her own and spot the differences between her and me. She said it was nothing to be ashamed of but that I shouldn't go to too many AA meetings in case someone she knows finds out. She went on and on about types of drink I could drink to fool people until I wanted one so I asked if we could change the subject. She got defensive and made me feel guilty because she was "just trying to help".
They moved away from my town recently and I think she feels bad about it. I am pleased. She said that a friend of hers told her that it was for the best because she was enabling me. That is so not true. She had nothing to do with enabling me to drink apart from being a Mother who I could never trust.
When I was young, she would turn on me in a heartbeat when I was very little and so I built up defences against her. I stopped talking when I was 5. I couldn't accept any love from anyone. I lost faith in love early on. If I drank, maybe some of it was to dull that pain. I have had a series of bfs who made me feel bad because I was so used to feeling bad as a child.
My family has used me as an excuse for their own problems all my life. Outside my family, I am respected, successful and well liked. I remember being so surprised about how differently they saw me compared to the rest of the world. I was 13 when I realised I was not some sort of devil. At the risk of repeating myself, I need to tell some more about my experiences as a child.
At 13, a friend and I went bike riding on a hot day in our shorts. She was drunk and screamed at us when we got home that we were sl*ts. I didn't think anything of it until my friend told me how weird that was. For years, as I grew, she was convinced I had had an abortion and I have no idea why. The first man I slept with was my husband. Dad stood up for me once that I can remember. He said - she's not the devil, she's just a little girl. I worked with Dad for 7 years after my children were born. He was surprised at how good I was. Never a cross word and he was amazed at my abilities. Until then, he had always believed my Mother that I was the problem. He has forgotten now. He has no choice if he is going to stay with my Mother.
Then on the phone earlier - the big one that I always knew would come - it's ok Steph - you are like the prodigal son. You know - the sinful bad child that begs to be forgiven. She said - if you ask us to forgive you we will and we will welcome you back into the family.
Oh my God. I have no wish to ask for their forgiveness. I spent my whole life praying for their forgiveness and love for no good reason and with no good result.
All I have done by stopping drinking and admitting I am an alcoholic is to give them the excuse they needed. It is all my fault that thier lives are f**ked up. Always was. Now it is confirmed.
She said - we couldn't love you because you weren't "there". I wasn't there because I was protecting myself from her.
I was at the stage of accepting that life was harsh on my Mum and it wasn't her fault that we were estranged. Now I feel stong anger again at being denied what every child should have: A Mother's love.
The only part I would ever ask their forgiveness for about my drinking is that I did not visit often and I didn't want to have much to do with them. But even now, I still don't. Nothing to do with drinking. Trying to work on Step 4 here but I think I need to be sane before I can do that.
Now they are drinking because they are worried about me because I stopped. All I am doing is giving them more reasons to get pist.
I want to drink. I might as well. I can not win here. Drinking - my fault. Not drinking - my fault. Mum drinking - my fault. Mum's health - my fault. Mum's anger and crazy behaviour - my fault. Mum burnt the dinner - my fault. Mum tired - my fault.
I bring shame. That is my job. That way she can drink and feel better about hating me. The rest of the family believes her.
Maybe I gave my poor famiy reason to worry. I was a mess and I still am. Who wouldn't be? I never went to jail, I never even had a parking ticket. I did well at school and never got detention. I raised 3 beautiful children who love me dearly. I built up a successful business. I work hard. I do.
I am not bad. I am not evil. Am I???
Crying. Sorry it's so long.
I am not doing so good. Mum stuff. She rang to be supportive but it has had the opposite affect on me. First Dad talked and just said he was thinking of me and that was fine and then he left and I got stuck with Mum. She lectures forever.
Back to day 1. Mum got sick when I was born. She had me in a strange country in difficult circumstances. I ruined her for having other children and she had wanted a son (her words). Due to her problems, she had to go to hospital for many months. We were separated from birth and I was raised by a nanny who I thought was my Mum. I lost the nanny when I was four and Mum got stuck with me.
She is an alcoholic in denial. I learnt to drink from her. In fact it is the only thing she ever really taught me was how to get through an evening drinking and not have too much of a hangover in the morning. Nothing about sex or growing up or boys or anything. I had a terrible fright when I got my period and I thought I was dying. She had been drinking and was pissed off that she had to drive to the store to get pads. I was 14.
When she rang earlier, she asked a million questions about my drinking - all the time trying to justify her own and spot the differences between her and me. She said it was nothing to be ashamed of but that I shouldn't go to too many AA meetings in case someone she knows finds out. She went on and on about types of drink I could drink to fool people until I wanted one so I asked if we could change the subject. She got defensive and made me feel guilty because she was "just trying to help".
They moved away from my town recently and I think she feels bad about it. I am pleased. She said that a friend of hers told her that it was for the best because she was enabling me. That is so not true. She had nothing to do with enabling me to drink apart from being a Mother who I could never trust.
When I was young, she would turn on me in a heartbeat when I was very little and so I built up defences against her. I stopped talking when I was 5. I couldn't accept any love from anyone. I lost faith in love early on. If I drank, maybe some of it was to dull that pain. I have had a series of bfs who made me feel bad because I was so used to feeling bad as a child.
My family has used me as an excuse for their own problems all my life. Outside my family, I am respected, successful and well liked. I remember being so surprised about how differently they saw me compared to the rest of the world. I was 13 when I realised I was not some sort of devil. At the risk of repeating myself, I need to tell some more about my experiences as a child.
At 13, a friend and I went bike riding on a hot day in our shorts. She was drunk and screamed at us when we got home that we were sl*ts. I didn't think anything of it until my friend told me how weird that was. For years, as I grew, she was convinced I had had an abortion and I have no idea why. The first man I slept with was my husband. Dad stood up for me once that I can remember. He said - she's not the devil, she's just a little girl. I worked with Dad for 7 years after my children were born. He was surprised at how good I was. Never a cross word and he was amazed at my abilities. Until then, he had always believed my Mother that I was the problem. He has forgotten now. He has no choice if he is going to stay with my Mother.
Then on the phone earlier - the big one that I always knew would come - it's ok Steph - you are like the prodigal son. You know - the sinful bad child that begs to be forgiven. She said - if you ask us to forgive you we will and we will welcome you back into the family.
Oh my God. I have no wish to ask for their forgiveness. I spent my whole life praying for their forgiveness and love for no good reason and with no good result.
All I have done by stopping drinking and admitting I am an alcoholic is to give them the excuse they needed. It is all my fault that thier lives are f**ked up. Always was. Now it is confirmed.
She said - we couldn't love you because you weren't "there". I wasn't there because I was protecting myself from her.
I was at the stage of accepting that life was harsh on my Mum and it wasn't her fault that we were estranged. Now I feel stong anger again at being denied what every child should have: A Mother's love.
The only part I would ever ask their forgiveness for about my drinking is that I did not visit often and I didn't want to have much to do with them. But even now, I still don't. Nothing to do with drinking. Trying to work on Step 4 here but I think I need to be sane before I can do that.
Now they are drinking because they are worried about me because I stopped. All I am doing is giving them more reasons to get pist.
I want to drink. I might as well. I can not win here. Drinking - my fault. Not drinking - my fault. Mum drinking - my fault. Mum's health - my fault. Mum's anger and crazy behaviour - my fault. Mum burnt the dinner - my fault. Mum tired - my fault.
I bring shame. That is my job. That way she can drink and feel better about hating me. The rest of the family believes her.
Maybe I gave my poor famiy reason to worry. I was a mess and I still am. Who wouldn't be? I never went to jail, I never even had a parking ticket. I did well at school and never got detention. I raised 3 beautiful children who love me dearly. I built up a successful business. I work hard. I do.
I am not bad. I am not evil. Am I???
Crying. Sorry it's so long.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Southern Oregon
Posts: 1,768
Hell no you're not bad and you're not evil!! I am so sorry your are going through this and for all that you have been through. I wish there was something I could say to take your pain away. but honey please dont drink. It will only make things worse. You will be giving her what she wants. Misery loves company. You can win! You already have. Thats all HER Chit, not yours. Have you drank yet? Talk to me.......
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
******{Pilgrim}}}}
I'm thinking you just 4th stepped yerself.
The POINT of all that writing (I thought) was to pinpoint the causes of pain, or shame or whatever it is we let keep 'skwirming' around inside of us ... to give ourselves permission to drink. Or drive ourselves back to drink. Or run, rationalize, slink, stagger, lurch - whatever it is that we do to ourselves so we can then drink.
There it is.
'You" did not 'ruin' anyone for anything by being born.
You weren't some kind of cosmic 'villain' who stopped short when you 'saw' your mother and said, 'hey, there's someone for me to ruin their life.'....
My own mother did that kaka to me. Don't let them do that any more.
I always think of the infamous words of Ivana Trump who said,
'living well is the best revenge' ... live well.
Finish ... the success you've begun.
Of COURSE we don't know HOW to do it, the founders recognized that much ... we're alcholics ... we need pain and failure. We require it. To suggest to us we can do WELL ... is like telling a fish it can walk.
There comes a point where we have to take the reins and learn to seat a different horse.
Let this ... be that point.
Man - I hope that made sense.
****** one more hug }}}
barb
I'm thinking you just 4th stepped yerself.
The POINT of all that writing (I thought) was to pinpoint the causes of pain, or shame or whatever it is we let keep 'skwirming' around inside of us ... to give ourselves permission to drink. Or drive ourselves back to drink. Or run, rationalize, slink, stagger, lurch - whatever it is that we do to ourselves so we can then drink.
There it is.
'You" did not 'ruin' anyone for anything by being born.
You weren't some kind of cosmic 'villain' who stopped short when you 'saw' your mother and said, 'hey, there's someone for me to ruin their life.'....
My own mother did that kaka to me. Don't let them do that any more.
I always think of the infamous words of Ivana Trump who said,
'living well is the best revenge' ... live well.
Finish ... the success you've begun.
Of COURSE we don't know HOW to do it, the founders recognized that much ... we're alcholics ... we need pain and failure. We require it. To suggest to us we can do WELL ... is like telling a fish it can walk.
There comes a point where we have to take the reins and learn to seat a different horse.
Let this ... be that point.
Man - I hope that made sense.
****** one more hug }}}
barb
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Ouch!
I know some of your pain and I did well by stepping away from mom till I learned to deal with her and the drinking better. My stopping my drinking sure did help me in that area and it also helped me find answers after my step 4 as well.
You have lived an answer to a question I have asked and tried to answer a few times.
Honor/respect your father and mother is a commandment.
The question I asked... but what if they don't deserve respect?
There are more ways to honor and respect people then being nice to them.
You have lived in a way that can honor and shows respect...
Who is the winner (who gets the blessing) by your proper actions?
You do. Your children do and by default... your parents do...even if mom's actions tend to say that she doesn't deserve it.
You are doing what is right and good. For you to try detaching from mom would be a good thing. It will allow you time to grow in your own recovery and it will remove one more thing she is "trying" to use to justify her drinking to herself.
Yes I know... we don't need reasons... It is Monday, lets have a drink. It is Tuesday...lets have a drink.
Any excuse, any reason was enough and were used to strengthen my denial.
Her excuses and things that she says are the alcohol directing her mouth.
You know and I know that what she says is not truth but yes it still does hurt to hear it comng from mom.
Time away from mom served me well and guess what happened? In the time away from my mom...she found recovery as well.
Do what you need do for you and your family... Mom will need find her own answers and seek what she needs for her own recovery. We can't do it for them and if they are not supportive... we are better served staying away from them.
I know some of your pain and I did well by stepping away from mom till I learned to deal with her and the drinking better. My stopping my drinking sure did help me in that area and it also helped me find answers after my step 4 as well.
You have lived an answer to a question I have asked and tried to answer a few times.
Honor/respect your father and mother is a commandment.
The question I asked... but what if they don't deserve respect?
There are more ways to honor and respect people then being nice to them.
You have lived in a way that can honor and shows respect...
I never went to jail, I never even had a parking ticket. I did well at school and never got detention. I raised 3 beautiful children who love me dearly. I built up a successful business. I work hard. I do.
I am not bad. I am not evil.
I am not bad. I am not evil.
You do. Your children do and by default... your parents do...even if mom's actions tend to say that she doesn't deserve it.
You are doing what is right and good. For you to try detaching from mom would be a good thing. It will allow you time to grow in your own recovery and it will remove one more thing she is "trying" to use to justify her drinking to herself.
Yes I know... we don't need reasons... It is Monday, lets have a drink. It is Tuesday...lets have a drink.
Any excuse, any reason was enough and were used to strengthen my denial.
Her excuses and things that she says are the alcohol directing her mouth.
You know and I know that what she says is not truth but yes it still does hurt to hear it comng from mom.
Time away from mom served me well and guess what happened? In the time away from my mom...she found recovery as well.
Do what you need do for you and your family... Mom will need find her own answers and seek what she needs for her own recovery. We can't do it for them and if they are not supportive... we are better served staying away from them.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Toronto Ontario
Posts: 336
Steph, how are you doing? Please check in. I really like "Living well is the best revenge". You won't feel any better about yourself if you drink and then wake up hungover. you may not feel great waking up sober but you won't feel worse.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,473
Hi Steph,
What I had to do, for me, was to detach completley from my mother. She manipulated me and used and abused me and kept on going back for more and more, because surely if I tried one more time, then she would really love me. Well, no she wouldn't and never did. And, thankfully I removed myself physically and emotionally from her life. That enabled me to begin to move forward.
What I had to do, for me, was to detach completley from my mother. She manipulated me and used and abused me and kept on going back for more and more, because surely if I tried one more time, then she would really love me. Well, no she wouldn't and never did. And, thankfully I removed myself physically and emotionally from her life. That enabled me to begin to move forward.
Hope3
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 2,155
Hi Pilgram, poop on them, their the parents and they are
acting like the child.
You can't win. Worry about you and how you and
your family (children) feels about you. Maybe some day they
will grow up, maybe not...God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, accept the things I can't and the wisdom to know the difference...
Hugs to you Pilgram, hope3
the things
acting like the child.
You can't win. Worry about you and how you and
your family (children) feels about you. Maybe some day they
will grow up, maybe not...God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, accept the things I can't and the wisdom to know the difference...
Hugs to you Pilgram, hope3
the things
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: ENGLAND
Posts: 557
Oh steph, thank you for sharing that you are so brave, to have had to carry all that baggage through life is a real testiment of your strength and resolve. The same strength that you have shown in the past few weeks. You have turned your life round not only for your kids but for yourself as well. In doing so you have shown your opressors that no matter how they try to twist and turn you, they can't strip you of self. You are only a problem in there eyes, they are blinkered of the fact that you are trying to change. Infact they are probably scared that now sober you will be able to see there true colours and react accordingly. Hey Steph while you were boozing you were an easy target, not now though they have got to find some one else to lay there own guilt on.
Steph I dont know your cicumstances right now, you proberbly can't say to them what you realy want to, we are people pleasers thats part of our problem. So steph i'm going to scream it out for you:
OK YOU LOT YOU HAVE FKD WITH MY HEAD FOR LONG ENOUGH, YOU HAVE BLAMED ME FOR EVERYTHING THAT HAS EVER GONE WRONG IN YOUR LIVES AND I'M TELLING YOU NOW I DONT GIVE A SH1T ANYMORE WHAT YOU THINK.I'M GOING TO GET SOBER FOR ME, MY KIDS AND MY FUTURE. IF THATS GOING TO BE ANOTHER THING THAT I'VE DONE WRONG WELL TOUGH THATS JUST HOW IT'S GOING TO BE.
There thats made you feel better I bet.
Please take care steph you are the winner in all of this.
chris
Steph I dont know your cicumstances right now, you proberbly can't say to them what you realy want to, we are people pleasers thats part of our problem. So steph i'm going to scream it out for you:
OK YOU LOT YOU HAVE FKD WITH MY HEAD FOR LONG ENOUGH, YOU HAVE BLAMED ME FOR EVERYTHING THAT HAS EVER GONE WRONG IN YOUR LIVES AND I'M TELLING YOU NOW I DONT GIVE A SH1T ANYMORE WHAT YOU THINK.I'M GOING TO GET SOBER FOR ME, MY KIDS AND MY FUTURE. IF THATS GOING TO BE ANOTHER THING THAT I'VE DONE WRONG WELL TOUGH THATS JUST HOW IT'S GOING TO BE.
There thats made you feel better I bet.
Please take care steph you are the winner in all of this.
chris
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 18,299
Hugs (((steph))), I agree with every response posted you are a sweet person Steph, your mother is not. How dare she give you the prodigal son line, that is just insane! You are not the one who is bad Steph, I think you know that really.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: SAN DIEGO, CA
Posts: 379
Pilgrim -
Sometimes we have to turn our backs on our family of origin for our own sanity - I know I did. No one deserves that kind of insanity in their lives!
Take pride in the family that you have made and your sobriety. It sounds like you have a great husband and three children you can be proud of! Look to them -
TinLizzy
Sometimes we have to turn our backs on our family of origin for our own sanity - I know I did. No one deserves that kind of insanity in their lives!
Take pride in the family that you have made and your sobriety. It sounds like you have a great husband and three children you can be proud of! Look to them -
TinLizzy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
Hi All,
Thank you all for your replies, advice and kindness. I especially liked the shouting thing Chris.
I am OK. I am alive and at work and going through the motions. Feeling pretty robotic and I don't want to talk much at all.
Yesterday was tough. I felt really exhausted after I wrote all that down. I didn't really manage to do anything. I went and played the piano. I got cross about how unfair it all was while I was playing and felt sorry for myself. I went to the fridge and there was beer in the fridge that my bf drinks. Didn't think much about it but I know I was a long way from HP at the time. I took one and opened it and drank it. Then I had some wine that I asked bf to bring home for me. Three glasses. Pour me stuff I guess. Self pity. Sorry Creek - we don't have the same sober date anymore.
I went to sleep for a while but had a pretty bad night. Drinking didn't help and I hated the feeling. I just felt sadder and a bit woozy and it was kind of icky. Add to that my daughter coming over and finding me drinking. It was just silly self indulgence. I had a "what the hell and maybe Mum is right and might as well just stay a screw up and take me as I am" attitude.
I don't quite know where I am at the moment and I need a bit of space and time to sort things out. If I come back to SR it is because I know where I am a bit better. Until then, I feel like a fraud being here having had a drink last night and not knowing whether or not I can stop drinking while I'm going through this. To tell you the truth, I had felt for a while that I might drink, just to overcome being alone all the time. For me, I find that one of the hardest things to overcome. I want to be completely sure next time I start this sober journey thing that I am going to give it all I've got and not be put off by silly side issues. I need to know I can be alone and get all I need from the programme and HP. I have had such a needy and pathetic life that this is quite a big ask.
You are all wonderful and strong and kind and I will be thinking of you.
Thank you all for your replies, advice and kindness. I especially liked the shouting thing Chris.
I am OK. I am alive and at work and going through the motions. Feeling pretty robotic and I don't want to talk much at all.
Yesterday was tough. I felt really exhausted after I wrote all that down. I didn't really manage to do anything. I went and played the piano. I got cross about how unfair it all was while I was playing and felt sorry for myself. I went to the fridge and there was beer in the fridge that my bf drinks. Didn't think much about it but I know I was a long way from HP at the time. I took one and opened it and drank it. Then I had some wine that I asked bf to bring home for me. Three glasses. Pour me stuff I guess. Self pity. Sorry Creek - we don't have the same sober date anymore.
I went to sleep for a while but had a pretty bad night. Drinking didn't help and I hated the feeling. I just felt sadder and a bit woozy and it was kind of icky. Add to that my daughter coming over and finding me drinking. It was just silly self indulgence. I had a "what the hell and maybe Mum is right and might as well just stay a screw up and take me as I am" attitude.
I don't quite know where I am at the moment and I need a bit of space and time to sort things out. If I come back to SR it is because I know where I am a bit better. Until then, I feel like a fraud being here having had a drink last night and not knowing whether or not I can stop drinking while I'm going through this. To tell you the truth, I had felt for a while that I might drink, just to overcome being alone all the time. For me, I find that one of the hardest things to overcome. I want to be completely sure next time I start this sober journey thing that I am going to give it all I've got and not be put off by silly side issues. I need to know I can be alone and get all I need from the programme and HP. I have had such a needy and pathetic life that this is quite a big ask.
You are all wonderful and strong and kind and I will be thinking of you.
everything is already ok
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Melbourne Victoria Australia
Posts: 19,789
hI Steph,
DOn't worry about the drinks, its the desire to stop that counts and I hear you saying that its still there and strong.
So put any feelings of shame and guilt and stay here where people won't judge or condemm they simply support you and hold you you while you can't hold yourself.
Also talk to your sponsor and other members, tell them what has happened, don't shut people out and shutdown let them in and open up.
Looking forward to loads more chats with you.
Going to phone you now.
Kevin
DOn't worry about the drinks, its the desire to stop that counts and I hear you saying that its still there and strong.
So put any feelings of shame and guilt and stay here where people won't judge or condemm they simply support you and hold you you while you can't hold yourself.
Also talk to your sponsor and other members, tell them what has happened, don't shut people out and shutdown let them in and open up.
Looking forward to loads more chats with you.
Going to phone you now.
Kevin
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 18,299
Hi Pilgrim, firstly please stick around SR. I think you are too hard on yourself and I wish I could make you give yourself a break. Like Kev said don't shut people out and shutdown, people care about you me-for a start!
everything is already ok
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Melbourne Victoria Australia
Posts: 19,789
I need you to post here and keep on, if you give up then one day I could be here alone and I would not make it without others.
Let people in, even I did
Kevin
Let people in, even I did
Kevin
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: SAN DIEGO, CA
Posts: 379
Hey Pilgrim -
We need you, no matter the state - Your post was so prophetic, it spoke to me, and I'm sure to others. Stay around, keep posting, let the SR family help you - help yourself
TinLizzy
We need you, no matter the state - Your post was so prophetic, it spoke to me, and I'm sure to others. Stay around, keep posting, let the SR family help you - help yourself
TinLizzy
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