Just want to introduce myself...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Anytown USA
Posts: 10
Just want to introduce myself...
Hi everyone,
This is my first time here and I'm not exactly sure where I'm supposed to start or what's gonna happen. I'm Caitlin, I'm 23.. and I just came to the realization recently that I'm an alcoholic. A functioning alcoholic, but an alcoholic nonetheless. I want to stop drinking so bad but the thought of giving it up completely for the rest of my life is terrifying. I drink every night and sometimes during the day. Sometimes I come home on my lunch breaks and take a few shots just so I can be entertained for the rest of the day. I have no idea how I manage to drink so much alcohol and not end up in the hospital. My tolerance is so, so, so high that it's starting to become a habit that I can't afford. I alternate between about 4 different liquor stores so the people who work there won't know how much booze I buy. I'm constantly chewing gum hoping that no one will smell it on my breath but I don't think that works very well. My arms and legs are all bruised up from what I can only assume are falls during the middle of the night. My roommates tell me such scary stories in the mornings about the things I did or said the night before and I get so embarrassed... all I can do is just apologize. If I take a night or two off from drinking (usually because I can't afford any more, not by choice) I sit up half the night panicking because I feel like my heart is beating too fast and I'm gonna die. Sometimes I drink not to be drunk in the moment but just so I can have a little buzz when I go to work in the morning. I feel like my mind functions so much faster when I'm drunk.. I'm funnier, more clever, just all around more fun. I always know what to say and nothing embarrasses me. I'll avoid checking my e-mail and myspace account for weeks sometimes just because I'm afraid to be embarrassed by replies to messages I wrote when I was wasted. I started drinking my freshman year of high school when I was 14 years old.. we would steal any liquor we could get our hands on from people's parents then eventually we met an older guy who would go to the liquor store for us.. pretty creepy now that I'm thinking back. We used to make lists of things to do when we were bored and drinking was always on the list. I was always the one pushing for that the hardest. It seemed like other people could take it or leave it, or just do it once in a while.. but it was always on my mind even when I was that young. I started drinking every weekend when I was about 15 or 16 then when I went to college and got my first fake ID it became about 3 or 4 times a week. By my junior year it was everyday.. mostly by myself. Now it's definitely everyday.. 95% of the time by myself. I'll hang out with other people but usually I'm the only one drinking. I used to get embarrassed to be the only one drinking but over time it's just become so normal that it doesn't even phase me anymore. Everyday my roommate asks me "you drinkin tonight?" but I'm sure she already knows the answer before she asks. Two nights ago my roommates told me they found me passed out with my lips and under my eyes blue/purple and the cord to my ipod wrapped around my neck. I cannot even express how scary that is to hear. And yet last night I drank just as much. I don't know what to do. The thought of telling my parents how serious of a problem I have is too much for me to handle. I know I need some serious rehab but I don't think I'm ready. I don't want to ruin the rest of my life and I definitely don't want to die but I feel like that's where I'm headed. Did anyone out there actually read this whole thing? I'm scared you guys.
xo Caitlin
This is my first time here and I'm not exactly sure where I'm supposed to start or what's gonna happen. I'm Caitlin, I'm 23.. and I just came to the realization recently that I'm an alcoholic. A functioning alcoholic, but an alcoholic nonetheless. I want to stop drinking so bad but the thought of giving it up completely for the rest of my life is terrifying. I drink every night and sometimes during the day. Sometimes I come home on my lunch breaks and take a few shots just so I can be entertained for the rest of the day. I have no idea how I manage to drink so much alcohol and not end up in the hospital. My tolerance is so, so, so high that it's starting to become a habit that I can't afford. I alternate between about 4 different liquor stores so the people who work there won't know how much booze I buy. I'm constantly chewing gum hoping that no one will smell it on my breath but I don't think that works very well. My arms and legs are all bruised up from what I can only assume are falls during the middle of the night. My roommates tell me such scary stories in the mornings about the things I did or said the night before and I get so embarrassed... all I can do is just apologize. If I take a night or two off from drinking (usually because I can't afford any more, not by choice) I sit up half the night panicking because I feel like my heart is beating too fast and I'm gonna die. Sometimes I drink not to be drunk in the moment but just so I can have a little buzz when I go to work in the morning. I feel like my mind functions so much faster when I'm drunk.. I'm funnier, more clever, just all around more fun. I always know what to say and nothing embarrasses me. I'll avoid checking my e-mail and myspace account for weeks sometimes just because I'm afraid to be embarrassed by replies to messages I wrote when I was wasted. I started drinking my freshman year of high school when I was 14 years old.. we would steal any liquor we could get our hands on from people's parents then eventually we met an older guy who would go to the liquor store for us.. pretty creepy now that I'm thinking back. We used to make lists of things to do when we were bored and drinking was always on the list. I was always the one pushing for that the hardest. It seemed like other people could take it or leave it, or just do it once in a while.. but it was always on my mind even when I was that young. I started drinking every weekend when I was about 15 or 16 then when I went to college and got my first fake ID it became about 3 or 4 times a week. By my junior year it was everyday.. mostly by myself. Now it's definitely everyday.. 95% of the time by myself. I'll hang out with other people but usually I'm the only one drinking. I used to get embarrassed to be the only one drinking but over time it's just become so normal that it doesn't even phase me anymore. Everyday my roommate asks me "you drinkin tonight?" but I'm sure she already knows the answer before she asks. Two nights ago my roommates told me they found me passed out with my lips and under my eyes blue/purple and the cord to my ipod wrapped around my neck. I cannot even express how scary that is to hear. And yet last night I drank just as much. I don't know what to do. The thought of telling my parents how serious of a problem I have is too much for me to handle. I know I need some serious rehab but I don't think I'm ready. I don't want to ruin the rest of my life and I definitely don't want to die but I feel like that's where I'm headed. Did anyone out there actually read this whole thing? I'm scared you guys.
xo Caitlin
not a greeter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: padmasana
Posts: 13,927
Hi caitlin 
. I don't have much time but wanted to let you know that you found a great message board... good place to start getting help. Read some threads and get to know your way around. Glad you're here.
. I don't have much time but wanted to let you know that you found a great message board... good place to start getting help. Read some threads and get to know your way around. Glad you're here.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Southern Oregon
Posts: 1,768
Hi caitlin!! Welcome to sober recovery! 
This is a great forum, glad you found it. You should definitely call your doctor and tell him you want to quit when you are ready. People can actually die from detoxing on their own. I wish you and best and hope that you decide soon.
hugs!
This is a great forum, glad you found it. You should definitely call your doctor and tell him you want to quit when you are ready. People can actually die from detoxing on their own. I wish you and best and hope that you decide soon.
hugs!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Hi Caitlin,
Welcome and I'm glad you made the decision to stop drinking. It sounds like you had a very scary experience.
Try to not focus on 'the rest of your life' aspect of stopping drinking. Focus on today and do what it takes to not drink today. I would also say that it is a very good idea to talk to your dr before you stop drinking because detoxing from alcohol can be very dangerous. Take a look around and you'll find lots of information and support.
Welcome and I'm glad you made the decision to stop drinking. It sounds like you had a very scary experience.
Try to not focus on 'the rest of your life' aspect of stopping drinking. Focus on today and do what it takes to not drink today. I would also say that it is a very good idea to talk to your dr before you stop drinking because detoxing from alcohol can be very dangerous. Take a look around and you'll find lots of information and support.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Anytown USA
Posts: 10
Thank you everyone.. you're all being so nice. I seriously didn't realize that you could die from detoxing by yourself. It's nice to have that piece of info before I do anything drastic. I gotta admit though, that's kinda giving me an excuse to keep drinking because I am definitely not ready to tell anyone I know. There are only a handful of people who know the truth (many suspect I'm sure). Why does it have to be so shameful to admit something like this?? I feel like once you can get over that hump the rest is easier. Not easy just easier.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by caitlin11 
Did anyone out there actually read this whole thing? I'm scared you guys.
xo Caitlin
xo Caitlin
Fear of what was and what could be gave me the strength to seek answers.
AA is a great place to gather the answers from. We don't need do it alone and there are many just like us that have done what we did and found the way out.
Yup...I am one of them.
Was right around your age when I started seeking answers as well.
I feel like my mind functions so much faster when I'm drunk.. I'm funnier, more clever, just all around more fun. I always know what to say and nothing embarrasses me.
I sometimes know what to say and if I become embarrassed or do something wrong..I know the proper way to handle it now.
Yes sober is so much better...and cost less as well.
I didn't need read all that you posted because I lived so much of it myself but I did read it all anyway.
Your not alone.
There is support and help all around us.
You can do it.
Welcome to SR and welcome to what could be a start to a better way of living.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: SAN DIEGO, CA
Posts: 379
Hey Caitlin -
Your story could be mine, but I'm 45 and been doing this for awhile. I am on day one again (and its going great)! I quit the first and second time by seriously tapering off before going cold turkey. I figured it would help with the withdrawl symptoms and it has. Go to a doctor and take their advice. Take lots of vitamins. Don't worry about never being able to drink again, just take it one day at a time. You have found a great place which will provide you with tons of advice and support. Keep posting. You've made the first step.
TinLizzy
Your story could be mine, but I'm 45 and been doing this for awhile. I am on day one again (and its going great)! I quit the first and second time by seriously tapering off before going cold turkey. I figured it would help with the withdrawl symptoms and it has. Go to a doctor and take their advice. Take lots of vitamins. Don't worry about never being able to drink again, just take it one day at a time. You have found a great place which will provide you with tons of advice and support. Keep posting. You've made the first step.
TinLizzy
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by caitlin11
There are only a handful of people who know the truth (many suspect I'm sure). Why does it have to be so shameful to admit something like this??
As for being shameful or not... If it wasn't shameful... it may not bring the needed growth of spirit to find the answers.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Anytown USA
Posts: 10
Do people usually keep compulsively checking to see if someone responded or is that just me? Haha.. I am really pleasantly surprised by how supportive everyone is on here. I knew you'd be nice but not this nice. I think most people that I tell the truth to don't fully believe me cause I'm only 23. A few people have told me I'm too young to be an alcoholic. It's one thing to drink a ton in college cause that's the culture but I should be past that stage of my life now, right? I just want to be done with this whole drinking thing. I'm so over it. Most of the time I have to force myself to drink.. if I don't start drinking by 8pm at the latest I know I'm gonna have a really hard time getting up for work so I motivate myself to get everything done by that time so I can start. Ideally I like to start by 6:30pm but when I have a bunch of errands to do that doesn't always work. Even right now, I have to work in the morning and I'm on my 3rd drink.. I'm behind schedule. Best, do you really think they're just being polite? That's like my worst nightmare. Is there any way to cover up the smell of liquor on your breath? Just curious...
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by caitlin11
Best, do you really think they're just being polite? That's like my worst nightmare. Is there any way to cover up the smell of liquor on your breath? Just curious...
The only ways I know to cover it... stop drinking earlier or not drink at all.
I couldn't stop earlier so I guess the stopping my drinking is the best covering I could find.
Stairmaster
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: BRISTOL, PA
Posts: 76
Caitlin,
I read the whole post and your follow-up on others. Kid, what I wouldn't give to have arrested my addiction at your age. I am 38 years young and I am a person in recovery which means I have not had a drink or used other drugs in over 2 years. I knew I had a problem at 18, but I didn't want to miss out on anything. I wanted to be the party king. Long story short 2 failed marriages, foreclosed houses, boat without an engine and an empty shell of a mindy and body later, I surrendered. You need to make a DECISION, that is all. I can tell you I didn't believe a word they told me in A.A........I can tell you now that every bit of it is true. Good luck kid...hang in there and pray to God to direct your thinking and guide you on a path of His will, not yours.
I read the whole post and your follow-up on others. Kid, what I wouldn't give to have arrested my addiction at your age. I am 38 years young and I am a person in recovery which means I have not had a drink or used other drugs in over 2 years. I knew I had a problem at 18, but I didn't want to miss out on anything. I wanted to be the party king. Long story short 2 failed marriages, foreclosed houses, boat without an engine and an empty shell of a mindy and body later, I surrendered. You need to make a DECISION, that is all. I can tell you I didn't believe a word they told me in A.A........I can tell you now that every bit of it is true. Good luck kid...hang in there and pray to God to direct your thinking and guide you on a path of His will, not yours.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Anytown USA
Posts: 10
I feel like I'm getting a little too tipsy to be doing this anymore.. if I keep going I'm gonna be too embarrassed to come here in the future and I don't want that so I'm gonna stop for tonight. Is there some rule against posting drunk? Probably. Thank you to everyone... have a good night and hopefully I'll be back for more.
xo Caitlin
xo Caitlin
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by caitlin11
Is there some rule against posting drunk?
Drinking or dry... the rules are the same.
Respect others. I think you are kind enough that we don't need worry about that from you anyway.
I would rather you be here reading when not drinking so you will better remember what you read. Hope you return in the morning and read some more before the desire to drink starts.
A look about at the posts that say "Sticky" beside them that are located at the top of each forum would be a nice place to gather some more info as well. May want to look at the forums titled... Alcoholism and Alcoholism-12 Step Support and the stickies found on each of them.
Hope to see you about tomorrow.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Anytown USA
Posts: 10
Ahhhhh!!!! I continued to read and drink and now I'm freaked out about seizures. Is this normal?? Should I be worrying about that? I just looked down at my hand as I was typing and saw a big cut on my index finger... no idea how it got there but it's obviously new. Why did this happen to me?? I'm a nice girl.. I really am. I don't deserve to have to deal with this.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome to SR!
Here is my suggestion...find info on the disease of alcoholism.
My favorite resource on alcoholism is
"Under The Influence"
and it has a sequel..."Beyond The Influence"
Both can be ordered from Amazon.
We also have excerpts from "Under"
Please click
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
Take care...keep posting...ask questions
Here is my suggestion...find info on the disease of alcoholism.
My favorite resource on alcoholism is
"Under The Influence"
and it has a sequel..."Beyond The Influence"
Both can be ordered from Amazon.
We also have excerpts from "Under"
Please click
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
Take care...keep posting...ask questions
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 49
Hi caitlin--yes I read the whole thing. I see myself in a lot of things you said. I'm on my path to recovery again. I wish you hope It helps me to come here and read--everyone is great and supportive. Keep trying-do whatever works for ya.
It helps me to come here and read--everyone is great and supportive. Keep trying-do whatever works for ya.
Ha Ha, charade you are!
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Tallahassee FL
Posts: 164
Hi Caitlin
I am 44 and I only have 32 days under my belt. I knew I had a problem in my early 20s-tried to make Ross Dress for Less a "drive through" in 1984..hit a support post and large trash receptacle with my best friends car-$10,000 worth of damage, a torn keecap and bruised ribs...most certainly a bruised ego- with a Blood Alcohol Level of .267. Don't let ANYONE tell you you are too young to be an alcoholic.
I know the shame and guilt you feel, I also know that you are a good person-I feel the same way-none of us asked for this condition.
Get help anyway you can and you cannot do this alone. Find people who understand this addiction-even if you are still drinking, stop for a couple of hours and get into an AA meeting. It may very well save your life.
Keep reading, keep posting and keep coming back.
Take care
Melissa
I am 44 and I only have 32 days under my belt. I knew I had a problem in my early 20s-tried to make Ross Dress for Less a "drive through" in 1984..hit a support post and large trash receptacle with my best friends car-$10,000 worth of damage, a torn keecap and bruised ribs...most certainly a bruised ego- with a Blood Alcohol Level of .267. Don't let ANYONE tell you you are too young to be an alcoholic.
I know the shame and guilt you feel, I also know that you are a good person-I feel the same way-none of us asked for this condition.
Get help anyway you can and you cannot do this alone. Find people who understand this addiction-even if you are still drinking, stop for a couple of hours and get into an AA meeting. It may very well save your life.
Keep reading, keep posting and keep coming back.
Take care
Melissa
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: SAN DIEGO, CA
Posts: 379
Caitlin
Yes, I compulsively check responses. It fees great to have people behind you and in your corner - to know that other people care, have been there, and can help with advice or support. You put yourself out there and responses/thanks are validation.
The best time to post is before you pick up the drink, but if you can't do that, perhaps the SR Family can help you not pick up the second/third/sixth drink! Someone is always online.
I routinely woke up with bruses! No idea how they got there. Big bruses!
Not going to do that anymore! I'm doing great on Day 2. Hop on the bus with me. Call your doctor tomorrow morning, make an appointment, and come up with a plan with him/her.
Keep coming back -
TinLizzy
Yes, I compulsively check responses. It fees great to have people behind you and in your corner - to know that other people care, have been there, and can help with advice or support. You put yourself out there and responses/thanks are validation.
The best time to post is before you pick up the drink, but if you can't do that, perhaps the SR Family can help you not pick up the second/third/sixth drink! Someone is always online.
I routinely woke up with bruses! No idea how they got there. Big bruses!
Not going to do that anymore! I'm doing great on Day 2. Hop on the bus with me. Call your doctor tomorrow morning, make an appointment, and come up with a plan with him/her.
Keep coming back -
TinLizzy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Anytown USA
Posts: 10
Hi guys,
I went to a funeral today of a close family friend. He committed suicide by jumping off a bridge. I was shocked to hear it cause he always seemed so happy. Maybe people would think I was happy too? It's weird to think about what other people perceive you as. Anyway I got some weed today from someone I work with and I'm happy cause that makes me drink less. I know it's just going from one addiction to another but I'm glad to give my liver a break. I don't smoke cigarettes so my lungs must be stronger than my liver, right? That's how I think. Well goodnight everyone...
I went to a funeral today of a close family friend. He committed suicide by jumping off a bridge. I was shocked to hear it cause he always seemed so happy. Maybe people would think I was happy too? It's weird to think about what other people perceive you as. Anyway I got some weed today from someone I work with and I'm happy cause that makes me drink less. I know it's just going from one addiction to another but I'm glad to give my liver a break. I don't smoke cigarettes so my lungs must be stronger than my liver, right? That's how I think. Well goodnight everyone...
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