lost
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: raytown,mo
Posts: 107
lost
I'm new to this site and have spent the last few days just reading posts. I have left my boyfriend of 8 years due to his meth and drinking addiction. We have keep in touch, He wants to be "friends." He is seeing another woman that will do the drugs with him. Although, He won't admit it. If I would he would still sleep with me.
Last weekend, I had to stay with him. Durning our conversation, he admitted that he was using and doesn't expected to live more than a few years longer. He wanted me to know that I will be provided for in his will. His world has been reduced to drugs,work and the addicts that he hangs out with.
I don't understand his family because they all pretend that nothing is wrong. I tried to have just 1 person sign commitment papers to try to get him sober. No one would do it. They have just given up without even trying.
I know this man loves me and I know this is the drugs but my heart is breaking. I've moved to another city to rebuild my life and I've quit calling him constantly. But, for 8 years, he was my life. How do I stop thinking and worrying about him all the time? Can you be friends with an addict?
He keeps a job and doesn't steal but all the other isusses apply. Lying, cheating and disappointing me are common occurences. I'm just so lost and sad. I see him dying before my eyes and I'm so helpless. I know I need to have my own life but am lost as to how to do it. Please help.
Last weekend, I had to stay with him. Durning our conversation, he admitted that he was using and doesn't expected to live more than a few years longer. He wanted me to know that I will be provided for in his will. His world has been reduced to drugs,work and the addicts that he hangs out with.
I don't understand his family because they all pretend that nothing is wrong. I tried to have just 1 person sign commitment papers to try to get him sober. No one would do it. They have just given up without even trying.
I know this man loves me and I know this is the drugs but my heart is breaking. I've moved to another city to rebuild my life and I've quit calling him constantly. But, for 8 years, he was my life. How do I stop thinking and worrying about him all the time? Can you be friends with an addict?
He keeps a job and doesn't steal but all the other isusses apply. Lying, cheating and disappointing me are common occurences. I'm just so lost and sad. I see him dying before my eyes and I'm so helpless. I know I need to have my own life but am lost as to how to do it. Please help.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: tn
Posts: 663
lilkim
I'm sorry you are going through this, but you have come to a great site where people understand and you will get some help. The addict in my life is my daughter. Others will be along soon to give you advice Hang in there. Maybe his parents are just tired of trying to help and are "detached". I know your heart is breaking, it is not easy to love and be in love with our addicts. He has to want to get help before he can be helped. You can only do so much. Hugs to you and keep posting here; we do care!
I'm sorry you are going through this, but you have come to a great site where people understand and you will get some help. The addict in my life is my daughter. Others will be along soon to give you advice Hang in there. Maybe his parents are just tired of trying to help and are "detached". I know your heart is breaking, it is not easy to love and be in love with our addicts. He has to want to get help before he can be helped. You can only do so much. Hugs to you and keep posting here; we do care!
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
welcome to sr, glad you found us but hate the circumstance. we all love addicts, its a very hard life to live. your' bf is just doing what addicts do, read the stickies at the top of the forum page, if you haven't already and keep reading others stories. you'll find that we all have been where you are, you are not alone. it is recommended that you find a alanon or naranon meeting for f2f support, they help alot. addictions effects all who love and is involved with as addict.sorry that you are going through all of this.
i noticed that you said that he was with someone who'll use with him, and thats so common for addicts too. its easier for him to continue his drug use. i'm sorry but your bf does not seem to want to be helped and if thats the case, there is nothing that you can do, i'm sorry. he has to want help for himself.
like you, i came here trying to help my husband, and found out that i had been effected just as bad as him and that i needed help to. try to find a way to take care of you and your needs. when you find yourself having those obsessive thoughts, that are so common for us, do whatever you can to find something to think about that will change your thoughts. try not to allow yourself to think about him only think about yourself and what you need to do to make your own life better with or without him. stick around, others will be along shorty who can better advise you, we care. keeping you and yours in my prayers
i,ve been doing this for 20+ yrs and it gets so much worse, your bf maybe doing you a favor by not allowing you to have to go through living with an active addict. this is not a life that i recommend. its hard and forever if you decide to stay with him. you are young and deserve a lot more, i suggest you take a closer look at what you want out of life and decide if this is what you really want cause it does get worse sometimes before it gets better and then there is a chance that he'll never get better, the choice is yours and this is my opinion only.
i noticed that you said that he was with someone who'll use with him, and thats so common for addicts too. its easier for him to continue his drug use. i'm sorry but your bf does not seem to want to be helped and if thats the case, there is nothing that you can do, i'm sorry. he has to want help for himself.
like you, i came here trying to help my husband, and found out that i had been effected just as bad as him and that i needed help to. try to find a way to take care of you and your needs. when you find yourself having those obsessive thoughts, that are so common for us, do whatever you can to find something to think about that will change your thoughts. try not to allow yourself to think about him only think about yourself and what you need to do to make your own life better with or without him. stick around, others will be along shorty who can better advise you, we care. keeping you and yours in my prayers
i,ve been doing this for 20+ yrs and it gets so much worse, your bf maybe doing you a favor by not allowing you to have to go through living with an active addict. this is not a life that i recommend. its hard and forever if you decide to stay with him. you are young and deserve a lot more, i suggest you take a closer look at what you want out of life and decide if this is what you really want cause it does get worse sometimes before it gets better and then there is a chance that he'll never get better, the choice is yours and this is my opinion only.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Lilkim, I'm so sorry for the pain that has brought you here, but I am glad you found the wonderful and caring people on this forum.
The only way I know of to get beyond the pain is to keep focusing on yourself. When you start to obsess and worry, try to find something nice to do for you. I also found Naranon meetings to provide incredible face to face support that helped me move forward and feel better. If there is no Naranon in your area, Alanon is great too.
I hope you start to feel better soon. Please keep reading. Hugs
The only way I know of to get beyond the pain is to keep focusing on yourself. When you start to obsess and worry, try to find something nice to do for you. I also found Naranon meetings to provide incredible face to face support that helped me move forward and feel better. If there is no Naranon in your area, Alanon is great too.
I hope you start to feel better soon. Please keep reading. Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: raytown,mo
Posts: 107
Thank you all for replying. It's hard to feel so alone. It all makes me feel so stupid. I have never put up with so much bs from anyone in my life. At 40, I have walked out and am starting over with nothing. I tried to find NA meetings in my area but there are none close. I live in a very rural area. So, right now, I'm on my own with this. My family wants me just to walk away. I can understand that. It's hard to see people you love in pain. I can't really talk to them.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: tn
Posts: 663
"So, right now I am on my own with this"
No you are not. Please see these people here as your friends who want to help. So many here have helped me and don't realize it because sometime all I can do is just read what others have experienced here, and it has helped me. Please continue to post and share your feelings if you can. It has helped me.
Hugs
No you are not. Please see these people here as your friends who want to help. So many here have helped me and don't realize it because sometime all I can do is just read what others have experienced here, and it has helped me. Please continue to post and share your feelings if you can. It has helped me.
Hugs
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
lilkim, try not to be so hard on yourself, i know that its hard, i'm 53, i don't have my own home, i can't work, and i have nothing but my faith in my hp whom i choose to call god.
you are not alone, your family may not understand addiction and what it is to love an addict so naturally they don't understand what you are going through right, maybe you can't find a meeting right now, but i do know that they help so much. you can always come here, there is someone here 24/7, you don't have to be alone unless you want to. my family don't understand either, but these people here do, and for me, this place have saved my life.
you're not stupid, if you are i am too. i've been doing this for 20 yrs off and on, a single married parent of 7. i will get better, try doing what you have to do, one day at a time, try not to think about tomorrow at all. if you have to, do it by the minute. you'll get through this, and we want to help you. give yourself a chance, you deserve so much more that you are willing to accept. you are welcome to pm me any time you want. hang in there, little by little, you'll see. praying for ya.
you are not alone, your family may not understand addiction and what it is to love an addict so naturally they don't understand what you are going through right, maybe you can't find a meeting right now, but i do know that they help so much. you can always come here, there is someone here 24/7, you don't have to be alone unless you want to. my family don't understand either, but these people here do, and for me, this place have saved my life.
you're not stupid, if you are i am too. i've been doing this for 20 yrs off and on, a single married parent of 7. i will get better, try doing what you have to do, one day at a time, try not to think about tomorrow at all. if you have to, do it by the minute. you'll get through this, and we want to help you. give yourself a chance, you deserve so much more that you are willing to accept. you are welcome to pm me any time you want. hang in there, little by little, you'll see. praying for ya.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: punta gorda florida
Posts: 381
Families don't understand, understandably so. Would you understand if your daughter or son stayed with someone that lied, cheated, stole, put the family finances in jeopardy or even the house by not contributing their share, or saw how someone made your child sad and withdrawn...I would be so upset if my kid was in the situation that I was in. Your family loves YOU>>>
There isn't any naranon meetings within 50 miles of here, so I have been hitting the alanon meetings...They help...welcome....
There isn't any naranon meetings within 50 miles of here, so I have been hitting the alanon meetings...They help...welcome....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: raytown,mo
Posts: 107
I just wonder what is wrong with me to put up with all this. The cheating, lying and broken promises. Even now, everything is my fault. Why can't he be a man and just say I have wronged you? For that I'm sorry.
For years, meth was an unspoken guest in our home. Last week I told him the truth. He's a drug addict and a drunk. He didn't deny it. I feel so frustrated.
I have slowly started to work on my life. I'm waiting on ssi and a program to retrain me for a job. So, that I can support myself. But everything is taking so long and I have nothing but time on my hands to think.
For years, meth was an unspoken guest in our home. Last week I told him the truth. He's a drug addict and a drunk. He didn't deny it. I feel so frustrated.
I have slowly started to work on my life. I'm waiting on ssi and a program to retrain me for a job. So, that I can support myself. But everything is taking so long and I have nothing but time on my hands to think.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i think that you are being too down on yourself, this is not your fault, and there is nothing wrong with you. addicts do all of those things including trying to convince you that its your fault, and they do that so they won't have to own up to there bad choices.
sorry, but as long as you pay so much attention to him and what he's talking about, you are gonna continue to feel what you feel now. he's an addict and his behavior is how most addicts act. its like a person with a bad cold, they cough and sniffle, well an addict lie, steal, cheat, blame others, and a host of other symptoms. try to plan what you want your life to look like in the near future and work toward that goal, you will began to feel better as you completely try not to allow yourself to think about him at all, force yourself to think only of yourself and continue to do this until the thoughs stop coming so much. you can do this, but only you can. we are here to support and to cheer you on.
sorry, but as long as you pay so much attention to him and what he's talking about, you are gonna continue to feel what you feel now. he's an addict and his behavior is how most addicts act. its like a person with a bad cold, they cough and sniffle, well an addict lie, steal, cheat, blame others, and a host of other symptoms. try to plan what you want your life to look like in the near future and work toward that goal, you will began to feel better as you completely try not to allow yourself to think about him at all, force yourself to think only of yourself and continue to do this until the thoughs stop coming so much. you can do this, but only you can. we are here to support and to cheer you on.
Heard it all before
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Weird NJ
Posts: 43
I really can't get to any meetings where I am either and this place has really helped.
It helps knowing it's here 24/7 whenever I need it.
Just reading posts from others who are going through the same stuff helps.
Keep reading and posting, it really helps.
And to answer you question, can you be friends with an addict?
Just my 2 cents, take it or leave it, but I say no.
Have I always taken my own advice? no. lol
But in the end it probably isn't a good idea and will only lead to heartbreak.
Good Luck!
It helps knowing it's here 24/7 whenever I need it.
Just reading posts from others who are going through the same stuff helps.
Keep reading and posting, it really helps.
And to answer you question, can you be friends with an addict?
Just my 2 cents, take it or leave it, but I say no.
Have I always taken my own advice? no. lol
But in the end it probably isn't a good idea and will only lead to heartbreak.
Good Luck!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: raytown,mo
Posts: 107
Here's another isusse that i have been struggling with. This one truly upsets me. The ex is a supervisor at a factory that makes plastic bottles. Very hot, dangerous machines. His workers are blind and some have other handicaps also. This man uses and goes to work.
I worked there for a year with him. We had some kind of electrical malfunction with the overhead lines. I watched him leave a confused blind man under the sparking lines.
I called and reported it to Human Resources. I told them about the meth and booze. The company started U.A.'s. But it's a joke.
The plant manager knows about the drug use but doesn't say anything because the ex will always work the extra hours and do anything that the manager wants (cheap, cheap, labor on his rental houses)
The ex passes the U.A.'s because someone tips him off before he has to ****. So, he's comes out clean.
I don't know what to if anything to do. I don't think I could stand if anything happened. I know all these people and I don't want anything to happen to them. They are my friends. I don't even know who to tell in the company, it's a well known secert. But no one does anything, even when he's visbibly high and smelling like booze.
I worked there for a year with him. We had some kind of electrical malfunction with the overhead lines. I watched him leave a confused blind man under the sparking lines.
I called and reported it to Human Resources. I told them about the meth and booze. The company started U.A.'s. But it's a joke.
The plant manager knows about the drug use but doesn't say anything because the ex will always work the extra hours and do anything that the manager wants (cheap, cheap, labor on his rental houses)
The ex passes the U.A.'s because someone tips him off before he has to ****. So, he's comes out clean.
I don't know what to if anything to do. I don't think I could stand if anything happened. I know all these people and I don't want anything to happen to them. They are my friends. I don't even know who to tell in the company, it's a well known secert. But no one does anything, even when he's visbibly high and smelling like booze.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: North Vancouver, British Columbia
Posts: 1,714
(((((lilkim))))) Welcome to SoberRecovery - this is a wonderful supportive community and I hope you keep coming back because everyone here understands the pain of loving an addict. Personally, I think you are doing the right thing by moving on - it's so hard and painful to do, but I think you will be glad in the end that you did. Try not to get too overwhelmed with the whys of his situation - you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. That is down to him he doesn't have the willingness. Eight years is a long time and it's going to be an adjustment for you and you will have some grieving to do, but there will be wonderful things in your future and you are actually doing the most loving thing for yourself by moving on.
I'm posting the link here for Naranon World Services - you can contact them by phone or by email to find out about meetings in your surrounding area. Pennsylvania Nar-Anon has online meetings and you'll see the link for that when you open the link below.
http://nar-anon.org/contactus.htm
Love and hugs to you, lilkim.
I'm posting the link here for Naranon World Services - you can contact them by phone or by email to find out about meetings in your surrounding area. Pennsylvania Nar-Anon has online meetings and you'll see the link for that when you open the link below.
http://nar-anon.org/contactus.htm
Love and hugs to you, lilkim.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: North Vancouver, British Columbia
Posts: 1,714
Your state should have some kind of department that deals with safe work practices. I would make a report directly to them. Most companies don't do a very good job of policing themselves. It's appalling that these people are being put in such danger and this should definitely be reported to an agency that can do something about it. Good for you for being willing to speak up!
You could start here perhaps. The contact phone number is at the bottom of the page.
http://www.dolir.mo.gov/ls/index.asp
Or here:
http://www.osha.gov/oshdir/mo.html
You could start here perhaps. The contact phone number is at the bottom of the page.
http://www.dolir.mo.gov/ls/index.asp
Or here:
http://www.osha.gov/oshdir/mo.html
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: raytown,mo
Posts: 107
Good morning, Margo,
I think I found the link that will do the job. Now, I just have to get the money together to get the rest of my stuff. If it was just my crap, I'd leave it. But alot of it are things that belong to my deceased mother and niece. My niece comitted suicide after fighting meth. Also, my grandbabies pictures. All the stuff I can't get back.
I think we all know what the ex would do to all of it if he found out I "snicthed" My things would be destroyed. I think that this would be closure for me. He won't come up here because my families pretty rednecked and wouldn't be too pleasant. So, at least I don't have that fear.
The longer I'm out of it, the more insane I realize this was. I didn't have a front door key for 3 years, locking up the food, ect.
What really disturbs me is why in the hell did I put up with this? How did I get to where I thought all of this insaninty was ok? Besides getting over him, I have to figure out what made me allow someone to treat me so badly. Cuz I sure don't want to do this agian!!
I think I found the link that will do the job. Now, I just have to get the money together to get the rest of my stuff. If it was just my crap, I'd leave it. But alot of it are things that belong to my deceased mother and niece. My niece comitted suicide after fighting meth. Also, my grandbabies pictures. All the stuff I can't get back.
I think we all know what the ex would do to all of it if he found out I "snicthed" My things would be destroyed. I think that this would be closure for me. He won't come up here because my families pretty rednecked and wouldn't be too pleasant. So, at least I don't have that fear.
The longer I'm out of it, the more insane I realize this was. I didn't have a front door key for 3 years, locking up the food, ect.
What really disturbs me is why in the hell did I put up with this? How did I get to where I thought all of this insaninty was ok? Besides getting over him, I have to figure out what made me allow someone to treat me so badly. Cuz I sure don't want to do this agian!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 12
lilkim
I'm new here too and one thing I just figured out is that Al-Anon meeting are much more comming than Nar-Anon (1 meeting once a week in my state) but the principles are exactly the same. You can go to this site to find the closest Al-Anon meeting: al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.htm. (Remember to do the www and http thing - it won't let me paste a link to a site until I have 15 postings ??)
They explain how to work the program. I went to my first mtg. yesterday. It was not what I expected by EVERYBODY swears by them so I'm sticking with it. Please find a meeting and you won't feel alone anymore. Please stay on this board. These people are lifesavers!
Paula
I'm new here too and one thing I just figured out is that Al-Anon meeting are much more comming than Nar-Anon (1 meeting once a week in my state) but the principles are exactly the same. You can go to this site to find the closest Al-Anon meeting: al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.htm. (Remember to do the www and http thing - it won't let me paste a link to a site until I have 15 postings ??)
They explain how to work the program. I went to my first mtg. yesterday. It was not what I expected by EVERYBODY swears by them so I'm sticking with it. Please find a meeting and you won't feel alone anymore. Please stay on this board. These people are lifesavers!
Paula
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: raytown,mo
Posts: 107
Morning,
I have found a Alanon meeting. The soonest I can go is Monday. Thank you all for the suggestions and help. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one out there living with insanity. For years, he convinced me I was just crazy. For proof, he used my bipolar disorder. Now, I'm so angry that he would use my illness as a cover and excuse for his behavior.
I have found a Alanon meeting. The soonest I can go is Monday. Thank you all for the suggestions and help. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one out there living with insanity. For years, he convinced me I was just crazy. For proof, he used my bipolar disorder. Now, I'm so angry that he would use my illness as a cover and excuse for his behavior.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewher
Posts: 259
hi likim
b welcome here!!
im haoppy you foudnthis place,, it will help u so much,, allof us here will stay with u during hard moments it helps alot,,post and reda the topics about,, and talk to us as much as u can.m addict is my husband,, we have kids. we love each other,, but drrugs really break life.
wehn i first came here i was going so crazy,, worry and felt so guilty about everythinga nd bout wriiting here,, but now i feel so releived knowing i have this place ,, that i can share and get support and advice.
its so good that u found ameeting!!1 thats ur first step to recover!! hope things iwll get better for u!!
ill be praying foru
b welcome here!!
im haoppy you foudnthis place,, it will help u so much,, allof us here will stay with u during hard moments it helps alot,,post and reda the topics about,, and talk to us as much as u can.m addict is my husband,, we have kids. we love each other,, but drrugs really break life.
wehn i first came here i was going so crazy,, worry and felt so guilty about everythinga nd bout wriiting here,, but now i feel so releived knowing i have this place ,, that i can share and get support and advice.
its so good that u found ameeting!!1 thats ur first step to recover!! hope things iwll get better for u!!
ill be praying foru
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