WhatAboutME

The last month or so have been such an emotional roller coaster - much more so than the past 10 years I have spent with my AH. After 3 wonderful months of sobriety, he relapsed. Hard. In just the past month alone, he has been to 2 different inpatient treatment programs (he checked out of the 2nd after only 2 days), several different detox facilities, lost his job, wrecked his truck, spent a night in the ER after he was admitted with a BAC of .387 and ran off to another state to spend a few days with a "friend" he met at rehab. He just came home from another detox facility yesterday afternoon and was drunk by the evening. Drunk today. We were going out to lunch and all of a sudden he started throwing a fit that I needed to pull over right away because he needed to go to the bathroom. We were on a bridge. I kid you not, he said "Fine", and peed his pants right in my car and said "That's what you get." Who the heck is this nut?!? When we got home, he jumped out of the car and said "I'm leaving, you take care of everything." He left with no money, no credit cards to our bank (Thank God) - Just an AmEx card that has still not been paid (and is solely in his name) and may not even be active at this point. And he left in the very same shorts he peed in while I was driving. I looked at this man and could see right through him - His eyes look dead. He is a shell of his former shelf. And it is just so sad. I know in my head that he is completely overcome with his illness, but in my heart I am still in disbelief.

I need to let all of this go. To let him go. He WANTS to go. Why do I hang on to something that is so painful and dysfunctional. And that has been the toughest question for me. Why do I hang onto something/someone that causes me such emotional pain? Why am **I** doing this to me?!? He is destroying his life w/ alcohol and I am destroying my life by choosing to stay with him. How messed up is that?

mallowcup

This has gone from a drinking problem to a full blown mental health nightmare. He has literally drank himself stupid. He's headed in one direction full speed ahead and the brick wall is either sooner or later. His irrational behavior is going to get someone hurt.
This has taken a serious and dangerous turn.
He's gone, he left, I would change the locks, change the phone number and file for divorce.
I know that seems hard and fast.
I really think if he returns and you haven't made some moves, you will go right down the drain with him.
It's time to look at this for what it has turned into.
He needs help that you can't give him.
When he is found or picked up, he will be taken to the mental health unit where they take people who have dried urine down the front of their pants.
There comes a time and place when he stops being a husband or boyfriend and becomes a stranger who belongs in a 24/7 facility for the mentally ill where he will be supervised, fed and his pants changed for him.

Golfman

Not messed up at all WhataboutMe,

I'm Ed, an alcoholic. I've been sober since 6-8-86. I know how you must feel because my wife blamed herself for my drinking. she just couldn't let go. This disease will steal, kill, and destroy everyone who come in contact with it. You're a victim, don't ever think that you are to blame.

You may be hanging on to the pain because it's so familiar. I know that sound pretty illogical, but once we get used to a particular way of feeling, good or bad, it becomes the normal way to feel. Think of it this way, feeling good about yourself right now seems pretty abnormal because you are caught in this nightmare.

When you AH either gets help, you leave him , or dies...sorry about that, but those are the options, you will find relief. You will have many things to deal with. But eventually you WILL get through this and start to feel better.

I of all people should know the suffering we alcoholics inflict on others. Unfortunately, I've never been on the receiving end. I'm so sorry for you and your situation. I'm also very sorry for your AH. He is a very sick man and needs help. But the fact is that unless he's willing to go to any length to get sober, unless he's honest, openminded, and willing, there's little hope that change will come. Remember, I said little hope, not no hope.

If you have a relationship with a God of your understanding, pray for your AH and pray for God to give you the strength. I'm a firm believer in the old adage,"God will never give us more than he knows we can handle." If you believe that, then have faith that God knows you can handle this. I now it's not very comforting sometimes, but it's a branch to cling to while the river is raging past you.

Be safe,
Ed

mallowcup

So Ed, looking back, was there anything your wife could have done to change your determination to drink? How did you feel about her back then? I think you are an awesome guy with a well of knowledge.

prodigal

At some point you were in love with a man who wasn't this sick. You've invested yourself in this relationship. Thus it is normal and natural to want to stick it out. However, you have to have some peace and quiet and live in relative serenity. I don't think everybody should run right out and get a divorce; however, for the time being I think you should consider not living together. Set a timeline, and if he's getting worse and not seeking any sort of recovery, it may be time to make the separation permanent.

I know how tough this is on you. When they go off at us, it is difficult to detach. Regardless of how much recovery we have, I think we all get pretty shaken when they start ranting and raving. Everybody has a point where they don't want to take it any more. Running off to another state with a "friend." Hmmm. Do you know for sure if this "friend" was a woman? The drinking is hard enough on us, but add to it lying, manipulating, rages, mood swings and cheating .... well, it just wears us down.

You realize by staying with him, it is destroying your life. I'm sure you don't want to do that, but as you know that is precisely what is happening. Get into Al-Anon. Give it a try. There you will find people who have been through your situation and you will find support. NOW is the time to take care of yourself. You don't have to be destroyed. You can begin the path to recovery for YOU. Take care.

Golfman

Not a damn thing. She was completely powerless over my drinking, just like I was. Frankly, I resented the living hell out of her because she was always trying to get me to stop drinking. Imagine that...being angry at someone who's just trying to help! That's just us alcoholics though. Sad to say, that one night as I was getting ready to go out, she was standing between me and the door with my two year old in her arms. She had this sad look on her face and she asked me...."Am I the reason you drink?" I regret saying "yes, you are partly to blame." How cruel, how selfish, and how unfeeling I was.

It's the destruction of our families and friends that's so sad with this disease. Blameless children, caring parents, loving wives...their live are torn apart by a tornado roaring through their lives. The difference is that a tornado goes away after a few minutes. The tornado of alcoholism sticks around for years.

But Mallow, I don't regret that anymore. I know it's hard to believe, but I've made amends to my family by being an example to them of what they always wanted me to be...a good father, a good husband, and a good friend. Not boasting here, but that's the only way we can make up for the damage we did. We took the trust of our loved ones, ripped it right out of their hearts, and stomped on it.

I will tell you that even 15 years later my wife and I were in bed one night just talking. I sensed that she was uncomfortable about something. I felt that she didn't trust me after all those years. I asked her..."You still don't trust me do you?" And she said..."no, I don't." It just goes to show that after drinking for 18 years and being sober for 20+, the wounds sometimes are still not healed.

That's why I say I don't regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. I always need a reminder of what I did, how I felt, and who I hurt. That's why I still go to meetings and try to help others. They are a fresh reminder of how bad my life could get if I ever picked up another drink.

Well...how's that for a simple answer to your questions! Many time I have so many thoughts floatiing around in my head that i can't help but writing them down. If they're on paper andthe light of the spirit hits them, they can do me no harm.

Keep the faith Mallow. God comforts the innocent and those who've suffered so needlessly from the actions of people like me.

I remain at the service of anyone who needs help.
Ed

PS - Remember, I'm no Saint now. Just trying to make progress

WhatAboutME

"God will never give us more than he knows we can handle."


I feel so completely overwhelmed with "our" marriage, his drinking, my own insanity that I honestly feel like I can't breath sometimes. I have always considered myself a strong, independant person, and yet here I am, chasing down a drunk who is LITERALLY running down the street to get away from me so he can go drink some more. He actually ran away from me. I mean, come on, who's the crazy one here? And then, he'll sober up and call me to come pick him up. And there I go, forever the fool and doormat to his rescue.

There is a thread here about the alcoholic's "the truth" when they drink. Over the past month or so, he has verbally beaten me down so far that I can't tell which way is up or down. He tells me over and over again that he's done here, I can handle everything, He doesn't care, etc., etc., etc. We have 4 dogs that have been like our children for the past 10 years that he no longer acknowledges, even when he is home. He has dumped a financial load on me that he could care less about. I read so many people's stories of strength and how they were able to get out of this situation and reclaim their lives and yet this seems like such an impossibility to me. What is wrong with me?

I've done and said so, so, so many things that I am terribly ashamed of when it comes to his drinking. I feel so out of touch with reality. I almost don't feel like I could ever find happiness with someone else because I am damaged goods. Who would ever want to be with such a lunatic?

I am sorry to go on and on. I knew that the reality of everything that has been going on would hit me sooner or later, and today seems to be the day.

frstnm

very real and honest
i can relate
thanks Ed
~S

frstnm

i have done some dammage myself and i would say that sometimes it needs the other partner to change their life to get away from sick people and have a better life; or to convince the other one to change if they are ready or able

Mr. Christian

I still am surprised how people feel that after a couple of months of not drinking, things will be OK.
It takes a long time to get this bad and it takes even longer to get better.

All these programs will do is keep the substance out of their hands; it’s after the lock down that a life change is the only thing that will make behavior different.

A good program and the will and desire to achieve the new goals in life are the only saving grace.
What he does now with what is left with his life is up to him.

The big question is, have you had enough to change your life?

Pilgrim

Hi WAM,

I am Steph and I am an alcoholic. I also have an ABF. I can see this from both sides and I know the insanity you are talking about.

The root of the insanity is that we do the same thing over and over and we expect a different outcome.

In order to stop the cycle, I found prayer helped. I did not believe in God before I stopped drinking but now I have no doubt that I am no longer in control of my path. If I was still in control, I would still be drinking.

Do you have a part of you that is spiritual? You don't have to believe in God to have that. We all have it. Pray to something or someone you feel has a power greater than addiction (your Higher Power - HP). Ask your HP to take away your burden. With a loving heart, try asking for your HP to look after him because you can't do it any more. Try giving your will and his addiction away to this HP like giving a present. He has big hands that can take this away from you. Ask for guidance.

Doing that helped me regain some sanity - or at least I was able to see more clearly how very insane the situation has become so that I could take some action. I found some peace by doing this.

I hope it works for you. Posting here helped a lot too and I think if you listen to good people like Ed, you will be better off than you were.

Stay close. You are not alone.

loveRoy

For me, I was so scared. I was scared of living with him and scared of living without him. After 31 years, needless to say, I was extremely dependant, especially financially. I totally lost my center point. I got to the point that I didn't know right from wrong. I would think, "Is this SO bad?" Now that was messed up. Now that I have had a few weeks away from him, I am starting to see things more clearly. Personally, I couldn't see things clearly as long as I was under the same roof with him. I would always be thinking, "How can he do this to me and to his children?" I should have been asking, "How can I do this to myself and my children?" It is not easy. This illness is wicked. I am so thankful that I have found this board.

Nuudawn

Alcoholism...addiction...is like some sort of demonic possession. The addictive mind eventually completely and totally takes over. You mentioned seeing the deadness in his eyes...he's gone. The man you once loved is gone. I actually first saw it in my father...his addiction was and is gambling. There was a point where the addiction crosses the line and you are no longer speaking to the person you knew. I'm a drunk but I consider myself a pretty high bottomed one. I was cognizant of my crossing of that line...some are not so lucky. As Ed pointed out...there is little hope...but still some. As a drunk I was ferociously attached to another drunk/addict and his bottom is nowhere near as high as mine was. Even when I was still drinking...I remember realizing he was no longer as "present" as he once was...something else was now in command. I was losing the man I fell for...and I was spinning down pretty hard myself.

The most loving thing you can do for yourself ..and him...is leave. It is in more spiritual hands whether or not the man you love will ever return. He has to face the consequences of his actions. He has to feel utterly and totally alone....where there is nowhere else to turn. There comes a fork in the road...die or be saved. I was saved when I reached out for help.

Sunflower

Isn't it great to hear from some A's and view it from their side--thanks so much for checking this forum--boy we could use the dose of reality you give us!!
I have to admit with my AS--I no longer recognised him either--he looked like a stranger--and there was an overwhemling sadness that I had 'lost him'--he has been sober a while now and that person I love has completely returned--still a long road ahead--and I still have the trust issue as well...hard to believe someone that sick can recover...and sadder still that some cannot...

socalgal

WAM, reading about your situation made me very sad. I am sad for you and the pain you are feeling and I am sad for your husband, as he sounds so incredibly sick. There was a point in my drinking days when I was so very ill that they actually did put me into a psychiatric ward. Alcohol is a terrible poison and alcoholics just can't get enough of it and it will eventually lead to insanity or death. You are the seeing the reality of this playing out before your very eyes. He really is in the grips of his illness and there is not a thing you can do about it. I am so sorry.

How painful it is to see people we used to know and love, and still love, disappearing, wasting away, going insane, etc. and not caring a thing about it even to the point of hastening the process. How sad to see that everything we thought would be so probably never will.

He may or may not recover. That is the very sad truth. Whatever happens, though, you WILL be ok. I know that is hard to believe. Like many others have already mentioned, I really believe that God never gives you more than you can handle. You are in His care...and so is your husband.

I am sure others have mentioned this, and I am not sure whether or not you have gone, but , if you haven't gone yet, you really should check out Alanon. You will find much support there.

You and your husband are in my prayers.

P.S. Ed, thanks for your post! I agree with you in so many ways. I feel that my past 13 sober years have been a "living" amends to all those I harmed. It is really never done, though. I will be making "amends" for the rest of my life. It is how I chose to live.

-K

WhatAboutME

Isn't it funny how we become so desensitized to the complete insanity of the alcoholic's drinking? I've only recently started to share my "secret" with some close friends and when I tell them some of my stories, their eyes get as big as saucers and they're like "You're kidding, right? Why are you still with this person?" And here I was thinking that I was telling the more tame stories. What in the world would they think about him peeing in my car?

I hardly stop to think about how out of control I've been living, and for such a long time. It's become to feel so normal. Scary.

mallowcup

Wow, thanks golfman. I had a feeling I knew the answer. Don't ever regret writing things down, especially here.
What you write here helps you in some ways but it sure helps us.
It helps us to make decisions. If we knew that no matter what we do, it wouldn't matter and it really isn't personal, we'd make better choices...maybe.
I interpret your wifes not trusting you sometimes as an indication that she loves you very much. If she did't care, trust wouldn't matter.
When you love someone so much, you fear losing them. Thanks for your answer.

loveRoy

WhatAboutMe, I posted this on another thread but I wanted to share it again. In my mind I could picture myself standing on a train track pushing against a speeding train. Of course I couldn't stop the train; the train just continued to run over me. Finally I was exhausted; I had to get off the track. I tried so hard to get AH to "do right", to be the man I once knew. That too was impossible. When I think about all the tears I shed and all the begging I did--it blows my mind and makes me sad. Today, I am crossing one bridge at a time. Think about that--one bridge at a time.

denny57

I stayed in the pain because I truly believed I could cure him, or my love could. I was in denial.

mushroom

WAM, reaching out to your friends and admitting the truth of your situation is the first step to recovery for yourself. Yes, we are like frogs in a pot of cold water with the flame turned up - the water warms up slowly enough that we don't notice we're being boiled to death until it's too late.

Once you start admitting to your friends what's going on then you can see it more objectively for the insanity that it is. And, they can't help you if they don't know what's going on. The first step in recovery is admitting we're helpless over alcohol and its effect on our lives. You have been trying to cope with an impossible situation, which makes us do crazy things, but you can get yourself out of it. Choose do take care of yourself first, because no one else will; choose to give him back his power over his own life, because you cannot control him or help him in any other way.

He is mentally ill, and he is in the throes of alcohol poisoning. He needs expert help, the kind that you can't give. He needs to make some very hard decisions on his own and you can't help him. That was the hardest part for me, to realize that the only way I could help exAH was to leave him and leave him alone. To get out of his life, and get him out of mine.

He's ignoring the dogs????? now that is low. That would be the last straw for me - out you go! Even in the depths of his addiction my exAH took good care of my dogs. Dogs never ever criticize or blame you for drinking, after all. I endured all kinds of cruelty myself but would never ever allow anything of the kind for my dogs. We all have our boundaries.