Sunflower

It seems everyone here is always talking about the A's in our lives---they did this---they said that---why am I so blind?-----myself included many times over.
I am tired of talking about the A's
we are supposed to look to ourselves
Take care of YOU etc...
When I finally open up and tell you so many things about me that I have never told anyone else in my life--and I have needed to for so long...
to take care of ME..
everyone gets selective in their replies and reading....
How can we take care of ourselves if all we ever do is talk about the A's---WE need help--we are the one left behing damaged with no voice...
Is it too scary to face the truth of what a mess WE are?
The A's will drink if they want we have no control over that
What about YOU!!!
are we so consumed with what the A is doing/saying/feeling that we forget to look to each other for HELP???
Am I a voice crying out in the wilderness here?
This is what makes me feel like a freak!
Its not nice is it that he beat me--urinated on me-strangled me-many many times he raped me--I aborted a child to escape--I was promiscuous for years after I left him because I thought I was Nothing--thats what he wanted me to believe....that my memory should come back in the middle of this of my school teacher sexually abusing me at 10 years old--that I have to go to court to support the other 10 year olds at 40--because I never told anyone and he kept this going for 30 years--That my son was an A and at one point a druggies who sold his body for drugs at 15--that my son beat me and broke my arm while I was disabled ????
I want to deal with ME now!
me me me---selfish--but I don't care...I am 49 and have missed a good part of my life worrying about everyone else...
maybe I am in the wrong place.
Its all so ugly
But so true....

Cynay

Selfish?????

Your recovery is not selfish, and yes you are in the right place.

You said its all so ugly, but true.........

There is nothing that you wrote that suprises me, I have done many of the same things... that is why we are here, to work on ourselves and our recovery.

I think in the beginning we have to get it out of our system in talking about our experiences with the A in our life.. Its a process of discovery and growth... but it will all come back to our personal issues and how we feel about ourselves.

Soooo... Lets talk about you.... where would you like to start?

Sunflower

Good am glad you hear me---really I am--I feel so dirty and ashamed of me and of my son--and I am hurting bad---when I have a clearer mind and have come off the pity pot--its nice to know its ok to vomit it out here if need be,,,

Sunflower

How do we learn to help ourselves and others to heal???Should we focus so much on the A or the hurt the A leaves?

chero

Well, Frizzy, You aren't in the wrong place! I think what you said was the truth! But I'm scared too. I feel almost like I'm sitting on the sidelines wanting sooo bad to participate but don't know the rules yet. I'm sitting there trying to convince myself that I'll just watch a little longer until I figure things out when actually I'm just afraid to look bad.
Okay, I've just been sitting here....please go first!!

Sunflower

You are to beautiful to ever look bad to me or anyone else.....It;s these raw wounds I have--after all these years still--trying to understand myself!!! Anger---thats alot of it to---why did I let someone elses addiction rule my life??? Even though I had the strenth to walk away form my EXAH---he seems somehow to have ''hitched a ride'' for years now--I have made so many bad choices---people see me as strong but I am NOT---I feel weak and alone most of the time.I came from a good family and I let this man and his addiction bring us all down and shame us...Anger again......I guess I could write forever about all the dirty littl things that have happened to me--but I am not sure it would serve any purpose except to maybe upset someone else.That is definately not my purpose...What does God want from me???WHen do I get a break???

embraced2000

(((((frizzy)))))

i had to go to my core of who i was, why i did what i did, why i was like i was, where it all began....i had to look at me and what made me tick.

i was sick long before i met my alcoholic husband....we were 2 sick people just waiting to find each other.

i had to go back, way, way back and find the wounded child inside of me, and love that little girl into a healthy existance. i had to be a mother to myself. amazingly, i began to slowly see things so differently.....i dealt with each memory as they came. it didn't take me long to discover that my way of processing any situation was quite different than that of a "normie".

frizzy, you are here with us, and we are all the same in so many ways....we have been wounded early on......we can talk about anything you need to talk about.

much love to you

Sunflower

I think you hit the nail on the head---that little 10 year old girl is waiting for me still inside---I need to help heal her--and let her know some of the bad choices I made in my life--even as fara s marrying an abusive man happened for a reason--a reason that was beyond our control--I need to tell her I am sorry and comfort her---wow I am now crying hysterically over here--all these years of therapy and I have never recognised she was still there until now--

Nuudawn

Thank you for your heartfelt post Frizzy. You're right...essentially it's about your relationship with your self....your wounds, your choices, your life. Right on the money in my books.

I love what Embraced posted. I know that I have been dealing with a lot of upset and anger with myself this past couple of days. I'm a drunk and a codie. It saddens me to know that my adult self has been absent over this past 20 years...she was drunk and angry and in denial most of the time. She didn't protect and nurture the wounded little girl within me. Instead, my choices kept pounding at me and reinforcing my low self worth. I never grew up. I'm the only one who can take care of me...and I have done a lousy arse job for way too long. No one is going to rescue me..but me. Like a child I believed in magic and fairytales...waiting for some gallant prince on his white steed to come along and rescue me...complete me...make me want to change. But ya know, maybe some of them truly were princes...unfortunately I couldn't have recognized one if I banged my teeth on his crown. I didn't love or care for myself. If I did I wouldn't have abused myself or let others abuse me.

Learning to love myself is a day to day process. Fighting my own self abusive thoughts is exhausting. I can kick my own arse better than anyone. I've been doing a little dating of late...ya know why? I just realized..cuz I've been hoping...once again ...for someone to relieve me from my pain (since wine is no longer an option). I've been once again waiting for rescue. How stupid is that. I gotta get a job, be sober at least a year, get some savings and interests and solid ground before I walk that way again. I digress.

It's about us...thanks for the reminder.

cuttlefish

You know what Frizzy, I think it is so scary to have to look inside and see your own mess. I think you are very courageous for putting yourself out there, and for looking into yourself.

I am trying to learn how to do this. Part of it is seeing your own fears...I found a thread when I first came here where people were just listing their fears, and I put mine down. I tried to remember the things I was a affected by before I met my abf...and the things before those things, and so on. It was one big long series of symbolic stand-ins that I articulated my feelings around and towards.

You said we use 'selective reading'...well I use that on myself. My self construction is missing bits I don't want to even see...I might even have to take responsibility for some things I don't like about my own character. Like who am I living my life for, whose eyes am I seeing myself through? What does it say about me that I just want to forget about the past, yet I'm dwelling on specific things more and more often?

Sometimes, I don't think it's selective reading and posting...I know I just can't relate to some people's experiences, and I'm at a loss to respond. I feel 'outclassed' in a way, that perhaps my own feelings and experiences aren't at some arbitrary level of relatedness or worthiness to talk about. For me this isn't just on SR, its with people in general....oh man, I guess I just discovered a self-esteem issue.

I tangentially answered you, then sorta shouted over, then talked myself into something to think about for the rest of the night....again, o man :/

fuster

Hello, Nuudawn: Thank you for letting out how you really feel. I for one appreciate hearing it.

You might try getting and reading (each day) the following 365 day book:

"Affirmations For The Inner Child" by Rokelle Lerner.

I read it, it helps me recover from my historical wounding. We all need to be heard and we have a right to be comforted and cared for by those around us, and we deserve to be loved and to take steps to care for ourselves.

HolyQow

How dare you use big words on us.....tangentially .....what does that mean? I don't think I've ever heard that word in my life!

Hi Frizzy.
The answer is Yes and No. I think we talk about the A's, just venting, so we don't explode. But no, it's not all about them, it's how we deal with them. I think it helps to read what others have gone through, hopefully to not repeat the same mistakes. But if you want to talk about you......that's fine too. Anything goes here.

I don't know what you mean by selective reading exactly. That no one replies? I find that if I don't log in every day, posts get jammed back to page 3 or 4, and it's alot to catch up on. I would be happy to exchange email addy's if you want to yak that way. You've been very helpful to me, for the posts you've made, and whatever you need, I would be happy to return the favor.

I don't think we are allowed to post our emails here....so I'll send you a PM.

I really think you are suffering from Cabin Fever...just keep repeating...it's almost spring, it's almost spring. (Like Dorothy from Wiz of Oz)....technically it is spring, just waiting on some nice weather.

HQ.

cuttlefish

Its a real word, I just checked on google It means 'in passing'...my mind is bouncing everywhere, like the ball in pong. bounce bounce, oh my, there it goes!

ICU

Oh (((Frizzy))),

I just want to give you a (((BIG HUG))).....



These three things are HUGE! Sometimes we realize things slowly and in bits and pieces....

And sometimes when we realize things it hits us all at once, and it feels like we've just been run over by a Mack Truck!

Neither way is easy. Neither way is pleasant. But, both are necessary stages we must go through to promote growth and healing.

I'm sorry you are in so much pain right now. But, I for one am glad you are feeling it. I don't want to come off sounding cruel. What I mean is, once you can truly feel whatever it is that is coming into your conscious mind, you now have a chance to truly deal with them and eventually put them away for good as you move on to a more loving and kinder life for yourself! For you! you! YOU!

It's ok....be selfish! This is YOUR life! Get it all out. Just know that while you are going through all of this, we are all standing by you, cheering you on!

And remember, the more hurtful, bad stuff you get out, the more room that leaves inside of you for the good to enter!

SaTiT

Hi lynn
just though I SAY Hello
I'm glad you're feeling better today.

Grace

Here I am again, Frizzylynn!

I am 50 years young! Thank God that I'm in the healing process.
I was sexually abused by an uncle at the tender age of 5.
I never told a soul until I was 48 years old. That was in the midst of a
terrible depression. It set me free! I went to an excellent psychologist who did what is referred to as Timeline Therapy. It is a type of therapy that helps us to heal the hurting child in us. Do you know of or could you find someone who could do this for you?

God helps those who help themselves? Go out there and take care of yourself and stop worrying about others. Once you are better THEN you can start helping others. You have to get yourself well FIRST!

No pain....no gain! Let that scab begin to heal and stop picking it off.
Things will get better!

And as ICU quotes, "Quit listening to the voices that are pulling you down."

greeteachday

Thank you Frizzy and everyone who has posted here with such honesty. It is definitely not selfish...it is how we recover.

Sometimes I am not sure if I have addressed past pains or am still burying them. I dance around past things that have happened to me...because I can look to today or because I am burying yesterday? I'm not sure...time will tell and for now I feel some peace.

Thank you for how you have honestly stated your feelings and needs. I think that is a huge step. I'm glad the child within you is letting you know she is hurting...I believe that acknowledging that and addressing it will help you heal. I have no idea how to go about that, but I know you and your HP are working that out.

When someone is in such pain, I doubt myself and worry I may say "the wrong thing." Funny, that's how I was with thinking I had some control over whether my daughter used or not too...As if my actions would cause or stop it. Writing that helped me realize I have no "right words" but I can offer support and tell you I care.

Hugs and prayers.

Mr. Christian

In Alanon the focus is on YOU. Finding out more about you and why you have done or continue to do things.
It’s not about the alcoholic it’s about working on you.

My sponsor was very good. Every time I started to talk about my wife he asked how I was doing.

Selfish to think just of you? No, not really we need to fix ourselves some times.

I do understand that here a lot of time is devoted to what “THEY” do which is not really what Alanon is about.
This seems to be more of a sounding board at times.

Look into some Alanon literature and book, there are some really good ones out there.

laurie6781

Lynn it is very much okay to be selfish. We must work on ourselves......we are the only ones we can fix, lol.

A little background....I got sober in June of 1981 and was working and living the 12 step program, when at 3 years sober in 1984 my sponsor STRONGLY suggested that I attend Alanon in addition to AA to work on my 'codie side'. WTF?? But still being a people pleaser I went. I am ever so grateful to this day that I did.

One of the things that helped me immensely was that in both AA and Alanon it was suggested that I keep a daily journal. Well let me tell you, I still journal almost everyday.

I spewed so much into those journals in the beginning. It was amazing to me what I had gone through and how much I had STUFFED for so many years. Once I saw this 'stuff' on paper in black on white, then I had a point of origin so to speak, to start from.

I also found out that when I would write, many times what ended up on the paper was totally different than what the 'committee in my head' had been going on about.

You see AA is for those suffering from Alcoholism. The "ism" being I, Self, Me. Alanon is about the Codie-ism. The I, Self, Me.

Yep they are selfish programs. So, roflmao, Lynn start being selfish!!!!!

Keep posting, we do care. Do some journalling (it really does help a lot). Maybe try some Alanon meetings, I think you will be pleasantly surprised.

As said above, many who come to SR have to FIRST 'spew' out the garbage of what has been going in their lives before they are able to start working on themselves.

I love watching the newer members and then 'watching' (reading their posts) them grow and change as time goes on. It always brings a smile to my face, the growth that occurs!

Yep, its okay by me if you want to be selfish Lynn.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

mallowcup

I ahve difficulty with the word selfish. It isn't a negative to factor yourself into your own life. You certainly consider others, many others. I think the statement would be better phrased to say, I have become less obcessed over one person and that persons problem.
As we get older, we realize that we fizzle out unless we take care of ourselves. When I was younger, it was a just a saying, as I get older, it is a necessity. I just get too tuckered out to spend so much of myself in one place, on the same person, and having made no difference at all.
Selfish? No. Self acualizing? Yes.
I think selfish means, self absorbed, self obcessed, unaware and thoughtless of others.
Becoming the best person you can be shouldn't be associated to selfishness.