Hanginon

Hi all -
For those who have been through way more than I have, please let me know your thoughts.
Last night in a drunken stat AH stated that he hates his life and wishes he could just leave?

I ignored him and out the kids to bed and went about my routine.
This morning, as is his routine, he acts like nothing happened.

This happened once before he said I could go ahead and get a divorce if that is what I wanted, he didn't care anymore. Again ignored, he pretended nothing happened.

My question is this.....
While they are drunk is it the truth that comes out or just BS from all the self hate they must be carying around.

We have been married almost 15 yrs and have 4 younger kids (9-12).
Thanks.
Peg

ICU

Yes, much of what they say is projection of their own self-loathing.

With my ex, I found out some very interesting things he said while under the influence. In my particular case, I believed what he said to be the truth as his actions backed up his choice of words.

I think each person is different and should be evaluated accordingly.

denny57

Hi Peg

I can look back now and see for the last 2 years of our marriage, AH made these types of statements then pretended as if nothing was said. Understanding what I do now, I believe he wanted me to make the decision to leave. Who knows? I do know he was aware his drinking and behaviors were out of control and it was only going to get worse.

Take care.
(Married 15 years, no kids)

Pick-a-name

It's hard to say....they are sick and their brain is effected.... My mind can lead me to some strange thoughts stone,cold,sober!!!

Sounds like he is really in a miserable place in his disease....the folks on the "Alcoholism" forum describe that place....seems like most all of them reached that place before they got better.

un4gvn acts

I agree with ICU - I think this is how they perceive themselves.

queenteree

My AH told me this morning that he's done, I could sell the house and divorce him if that's what I wanted - those are his words when he doesn't get his way. Ten minutes later he's saying how much he loves me and to please not leave him (cause he knows I will call his bluff). Just now, he called me at work to ask for a "date" tonite. I yes him to death, later it won't matter. IMO, it's a manipulation tactic they all use.

laurie6781

Having been a practicing alkie for 24 years of my life, and now sober longer than that I can tell you:

That all of the above. It is self loathing, it can be manipulation, it can be the way the alcoholic is actually feeling at that moment, hopeless, no dang good, might as well just get it over with. Then of course, the next morning acting as if nothing happened, or in some cases not knowing what they said in a black out.

Might I suggest that you concentrate more on what is best for YOU and the CHILDREN. That is really all you can do. You might want to check out some Alanon meetings, and maybe some therapy for the kids. With a practicing alkie living in the home, and the father figure being that alkie, you all could use some help.

His drinking and drunkeness is affecting the children. They may be hiding some of the hurt, and emotional pain, but it is affecting them. Therapy now, will help them so much and make their adult life "more normal" if "normal" is at all possible.

Please try Alanon for yourself. Got to at least 6 meetings, and preferably different meetings if that is possible, then make a decision if you think Alanon can help you.

J M H O


Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, we do care!

Love and hugs,

Hanginon

Boy, it almost sounds like we live with the same guy. I never know if I should persue some of his requests or just to blow them off.

Is he waiting for me to do just that. If I make the first move there is no turning back. SCARY! Not sure yet how long I will put up with this. I am still here, so I guess at least one more day.

un4gvn acts

Never make a threat unless you are willing to follow threw with it!

example:
I'm gonna leave if you don't do this - he doesn't do it - then you stay!

Remember to take this one day at a time. When you are having a moment take it on second at a time.

Ask yourself every morning - How far am I willing to go today in this relationship!

Stay strong - hugs to you
Sage

penneypoo

Wow, this is a big issue with me too.
When my AH is in the drunken state, we exchange insults, dissatisfaction with the marriage, whatever. The thing is, we agree.
I'm super angry w/the situation, usually on the computer revising my ez file separation papers, with all intent to march down to the courthouse to file the next morning.
But, the next morning, everything is OK with him, all forgotten, he usually has no memory of why I'm so upset.
So, what do I do?? nothing. If we still agreed on the state of our marriage, and our mutual dissatisfaction the morning after, I could actually follow through. But all is good in his world.
I understand your dilemma because you have 4 children. It would be easier to walk away if it didn't impact their life so much. It's a tough call. The queston is....how long are we willing to live like this? Only God knows that.
PS- I've lived like this for 15 years too.

queenteree

penneypoo,
Very well said. But one thing that seems like we all have in common is "it's all good in their world" when they sober up and forget about what was said in their drunkeness.
QT

Nuudawn

Like Laurie6768, I too am a recovering drunk. I'm only a little over 3 months in and I just had a conversation with my girlfriend about how I didn't feel too much when drinking...it was a low level deadness really. I have actually referred to myself as "dead girl walking" when I was at the end of my drinking. Now at 3 months sober a lot of the pain I did not feel at the appropriate time is surfacing now. When I did feel emotion as an active drunk is was usually only anger..either overexpressed at the teeniest slight or directed inward as depression. I ocassionally cried in drunken stupors.
I'm telling you all this as explanation as to how completely detached from our emotion (and reality) we truly are whilst still active.
The nearer I got to bottom I was alternating between deadness and insanity. I wanted to die. Drunks are in a constant state of discontent and detachment from reality, emotions and normalacy. It is a surreal world without reason.

Believe me...trying to figure out a drunk is a useless exercise cuz drunks can't figure out themselves.

MTBChick

I agree I never understood my ex - abf. He claimed after breaking up with me that he had been unhappy for a long long time and from what I gather (yet I'm not totally sure on this) wanted to end his relationship with me back then too. However, all the times he had the chance to end it with me he never did? He would threaten breaking up with me any time I started to not tolerate his behavior and any time I would start asking questions (I started asking questions when I started to feel like he was messing around behind my back which sure enough he was). He knew that this would get me to close my mouth. Anyway, he sang a different tune though the time I brought up to him that I wasn't sure that our relationship was working and that maybe we were not really right for eachother. He had is out then why didn't he take it? Heck he had five months where he was still dating me and had a brand new girlfriend (neither of us new about eachother)...In the end he dumped me the day I came to his apt and caught him drinking again...and continued things with her....when she and I learned that he had essentially cheated on both of us, he told her that he wished he had not been such a coward and had told me long long ago that he was unhappy...I just dont get it....He was able to threaten it all those times and certainly had no problem ending it the day I caught him drinking again. I mean it makes no sense b/c our relationship had been long distance, up until the last five months of it, living in seperate states and for a time countries. I dunno but I would think if he really had wanted out that badly he could have just said I'm done and cut off contact with me. Even after he dumped me he kept his relationship with the other woman a secret from everyone.... Why hide it after breaking up with me? My head hurts from the craziness.

chero

Hi Hanginon! Can I ever relate to this! My AH does the same thing! Why they do that is beyond me. It really scared me because one time when he was sober he told me that people always say the truth when they are drunk. I don't know???
I really don't think my AH remembers what he says when he's drunk but I will tell you that once I started to be hands-off in the situation he stopped. I think his anger was his druken way of dealing with my anger over his drinking.
Once I removed myself from the situation as in not yelling or condemning or whatever it is we do he was different, too. I can't explain it. We still have our moments but I feel better!

Alexia

"Drunks are in a constant state of discontent and detachment from reality, emotions and normalacy. It is a surreal world without reason".

How very true. After 20 years of hearing similar rantings (along with all the other miseries) I did file for divorce. When it was over he said "I never thought you'd actually do it". He's still in a world without reason. I'm trying so hard to get my own life back, it's not easy.

My best to you hanginon. Take care of yourself and your kids, do what's right for you.

Janitw

Hello peg...i too can relate to all that you described...my ex said many many times how much he hated women and how much he hated life in general and he was always in a silent aggressive mood..very withdrawn all the time or at least 75% of the time.

When he left me and the kids he left for a woman with the traits he always swore he hated most in women. This woman is literally my opposite in all ways in every way possible.

I just will never understand I guess...maybe I'm not meant to.

Janit

lillamy

Who knows???

I think what's important is why are they saying what they're saying?

What reaction is he trying to elicit from you? Is he looking for you to say "yeah, I'm tired of your drunken a**, you're right, you're worthless" so he can get into a fight with you? Is he looking for you to say, "oh, honey, no, you're not, you just have a little drinking problem, you're really a great person" so he can feel better about himself? Or something completely different?

I find that the best thing I can do when AH is drunk is ignore him and go about my business. Fold the laundry, go for a walk, and respond to his rants with a non-committal "oh"... Because no matter what he says, it's just a hook to engage me in whatever alcoholic verbal dance he's wanting to initiate at that particular moment.