oneeyeopen

This evening I was driving around in the car, after a three hour wrangle with the abf which resulted in numerous dropping off and picking ups around town with attempts to stop him from sitting in a bar all night and to just come back to my place to do what the original plan was--hang out, watch tv, eat...

so, after the last cast out of the car I finally declared defeat, and drove home in a rage screaming "why can't I get this man out of my life? Why can't I get him out of my heart?"

It would be easier if he was an every-day drinker, but he only goes out once every week or ten days to two weeks. but when he does, he goes all out and that leads to two days of hiding out nursing his self-loathing.

then we get a couple great days, sometimes as much as a whole week...then...

last week, for the first time ever, he stole money from me. I wasn't even all that mad, it was like "well, happens to everyone else involved with an addict, what made me think I was immune?" Like, gosh, really joined the club now...but you know, he didn't steal money from me, he stole the groceries I was going to buy with it, he stole the gas I was going to put in the car, he stole the food out of my children's mouths.

and still...today, when he calls and asks to get together, I go off and pick him up to bring him back to my place and we get into the parking lot and he suddenly says he can't do it and just wants to go into town to a bar...and I realize, ****, he had no other way to get to town, so he gets me to come get him with the BS story of wanting to spend the evening/night with me. (but hey, stupid me believed that despite the fact that he got into the car with no overnight bag...)(I even said "Where is your stuff, you said you were spending the whole weekend at my place?") (DUH DUH DUH DUH)

I was so disgusted with the whole thing I went to drive him back home (a 30 mile round trip) and he hops out of the car when we drive through town...well, I called him and said I wanted him to give me money for the gas I used and swung by where he was and he gave me 5$ and got into the car. anyway, to make a long story shorter...I picked him up and dropped him off a few more times, wasted more time and money and emotions and energy driving around town.

and anyone else on earth would be smart enough to walk away.

but me.... I sit here and think that I won't ever meet a man I will love the way I do this one again. I think that I will never have the physical connection with a man the way I do with this one. I think that he will get sober ANY MINUTE NOW and every thing will be great (I mean after all, hasn't he hit bottom again and again...????)

yet, every sign points in a direction that says: WRONG

yeah, there are no hopeless cases, but do I have to tear myself to pieces over this when the MAJORITY of people out there are NOT alcoholics or addicts????

rahsue

give yourself a break, its not easy living with an addict in our lives. It"s the choices we make that will make or break us. take a deep breath find in your heart what your head is telling you, you'll make the right choice finally. Just try to relax and take care of yourself and your kids while figuring it out.

teke

i wouldn't call you stupid only in love with an addict. have you read "what addicts do"? seems like to me, you've answered all of your questions. don't beat yourself up though, i've done all that and more, i'm even ashamed to say some of the stuff i've done trying to help my rah. i think that its good that you recognize where youre at in all of this, im sorry and honestly don't mean any harm, but he's an addict, your bf is thinking like the typical addict, and he's only doing to you what you are allowing him to do to you. you do have a choice.

i was told that if i want a change in my life, then i would have to make a change. you already know that you can't change him so maybe its time for you to focus on changing you. let him worry about himself, it may bring him to a place to where he wants help and will seek it out. take care of you, if you guys are meant to be then you will be. the choice is yours to make, keeping you in my prayers.

oneeyeopen

Teke-- the funny thing is, the times when I really am most focused on my own recovery, the times when I really have managed to momentarily slow down (I would never go so far as to say stop) enabling and codependency, well those are the times that he also does the best, and makes his leaps forward.

He has stopped the crack...(famous last words...for all I know he might be gearing up to go just that right now)

but still drinking...though, drinks a whole lot less.

His excuse for stealing from me last week--he did it to show how angry he was that I wasn't helping him out in his crisis. well he had asked to borrow money from his dad, dad said no, so he got to my house with a twelve pack, guzzled it one after another, freaking me out, so that I didn't even want to talk to him and as a way of hiding from the whole thing I just went to bed (I knew he would end up leaving if I didn't pay attention to him)...

anyhow, I said "The only time you do crap like that is when you are drinking, you know that if you were sober you would never have stolen money from me"

fact is--he has never gone to do drugs without drinking first.. the drinking is always the first step towards any stupid hare-brained crap--like one time he actually stole a car and showed up at my place. (I actually had the strength to toss him right back out the door when that happened).

but, no reason for a million blow-by-blows, every one here has heard it and experienced it all...

YES, HE IS AN ADDICT AND THEREFORE BEHAVES LIKE ONE!!!!!

and--I need to(once again) focus on my needs, my boundaries (new one--no alcohol at my place, which was one of the things we fought about this evening)(one of my more recent misguided attempts to stop his doing drugs--letting him drink at my place, the idea being he would not take off or drink as much if he is at my house...WRONG) and my own recovery.

oneeyeopen

always feels like two steps forward, one and a half steps back...

there is always a bit of progress though, always.

teke

sorry but in my experience, drinking almost always lead back to the drug of choice. doc switching usually don't work for long. now that you know, time to protect your finances. sorry that he stole from you, but it can get so much worse. you said it yourself that when you focus more on you that he does a lot better, thats says to me that if you keep the focus on you and don't let up, then he may find the need to get completely sober and stay that way, you think?

oneeyeopen

OH YEAh, I know that the drinking is no good...and there is a straight road from his favorite bar to his favorite crack house, doesn't matter how many buildings are in the way.

it is like, I can keep it up, focus on me, move along, and my stamina for that lasts about two weeks or so, sometimes a bit more, and then, things are a bit better, and I let my guard down, and I slip back into his melodrama and the role I play in it.

SO up go the boundaries...once again they get tightened.

teke

i know what thats like, remember, i'm the one thats been doing the same thing for 21 yrs. if you can't detach physically right now , try to make a conscience decision to do it emotionally and financially and allow time to tell you when you are able to do more if thats what you choose to do. it took me a little longer for one, i didn't want to do too much to hurt myself, he was already doing enough of that for the both of us, so i kind of waited, while doing all i could do to seperate myself emotionally, the drama lasted for me a little longer, but when i was ready to seperate myself physically, i was stronger and found it a little easier to do.

dollydo

Recovery from co-dependency is a long hard road to follow, one that takes complete dedication to you, for you to become whole again you must put you first, not the addict.

I agree Alcohol is a bandaid, one used to stave off their DOC, and drinking will just lead back to the drugs.

You really are not helping him by driving him all over the place, you can't control his habit, you can only control your actions, not his.

My two cents, you need to get a grip on your recovery, set your bounderies AND stick to them.

Say what you mean and mean what you say.

My best,

outonalimb

oneeye...

We've all done it.
We've all acted insane at one time or another.
The beautiful thing about your post, however, is that you see the insanity of it all.
You can't do a thing to change the past.
It is what it is.
But your future is a clean slate.
You can do anything you want...take your life in any direction that suits you...And all it takes is a baby step in the right direction. You've taken that step by admitting your powerlessness over his addiction. You're on your way whether you feel like it or not.
Keep going.
Don't let the inevitable set-backs stop you.
You're stronger than all of this. You really are.

I hope today is a better one for you.

riverman

I can really relate.

For me nothing changed until I put the focus on myself.
I asked for help, worked a program & eventually started keeping the focus on my children & my recovery.

I used:
AA
ACOA
Counseling
Sponsor
Fellowship
Steps

On a daily basis my life is good.

faith123

You are definitely not alone. I am in love with a crack addict, too. We just went through two weeks of substituting alcohol for crack. I knew it wouldn't work, but he tried it, and I put up with it. Now he's on his binge. Who knows how long that will last? I feel the same way you do about the love connection, but our addicts's addiction is more important to them than we are. Learn not to believe anything he tells you. If you let him back in, this won't be the last time he steals from you. An addict doesn't care if you have groceries or gas, he just cares about his next fix. Can you live with this? What is the relationship doing for you, except bringing you heartache? I kept saying to myself that if he would stop using, then we would have a wonderful life. Fact is, he wouldn't stop. I truly wish mine would just not come back. I use this time when he's gone to get my life back to normal. It can't be normal with an addict. There's drama all the time. The patterns of addiction are so much alike. It's almost like they have a blueprint to follow. I can't stop loving mine, but I am tired of hiding my money and my valuables. I don't won't to live with someone I can't trust. I want to know that when I come home in the evening, all my stuff will still be here. Nothing is sacred to my addict. He will take and sell or trade anything of mine to get what he wants. It's all about him. He's sick, sure he is, but I can't cure him, and he's purely and simply out of control. I'm not in the position to give anyone any advice, but my prayers go out to you.

GiveLove

One eye,

I am so, so sorry you're going through this. It's a pretty common scenario and I know how much it must hurt.

But this (above) really caught my eye, because it's what I thought too -- for many many years. I was completely, utterly, 100% convinced of this, despite everything that I knew to be true. It all had to do with my self-image.

And it simply isn't true. Not one little bit. But as long as you are convinced of this, you will continue to be stolen from, continue to be lied to, continue to be his personal chauffer, continue to be in this undignified disrespectful position.

And just like the frog in the hot water, you will get used to it, and it will all become normal to you. Sounds like it already has.

Frog in the hot water? Ever read about those studies where scientists immerse a frog in cool water, and then slowly heat it up? The temperature (in your case, the disrespect) goes up and up, but because it goes up gradually, the frog adjusts and adjusts and doesn't see anything wrong with it until it's boiling, and not even then.

That is the risk we all run who choose/chose to stay with addicts. We get so used to the fact that we're being used that it becomes okay.

Hoping that you can find a way -- meetings, a good therapist, a women's group -- to find the self-esteem so that you can set boundaries and keep them. Then if you choose to stay, at least your self-respect is intact while you work on the sadness of his actions and his unwillingness to get better.

Love and strength
GL

BigSis

He gets drunk
We rescue

He feels self-loathing
We feel self-loathing

He says "never again"
We say "never again"

He won't get into recovery.....


... but we CAN. We can feel better - every day. We can find the strength to make better decisions. We can learn more about ourselves and how we relate with the rest of the world.... we can have MORE and BETTER relationships... and not all of them will be toxic.

Those are the gifts I have been given from recovery. It has been, and continues to be an incredible journey.

When I read your post, Oneye, I see me. I see the men I used to date... I see the man I married. I still remember that "I will never love anyone like this again" feeling for one of my relationships (one of the alcoholic ones). It was a "seeing him leaves me absolutely breathless, heart slamming in my chest and unable to breath" sort of feeling.

Today, I know that feeling would have gone away eventually, because it wasn't the deep, solid love I feel for my husband today.

Alanon has helped me discover this... and I SURE didn't get into Alanon for THAT reason.

I hope you can find some face to face meetings that can bring you these sorts of gifts.... from Naranon, Alanon or CODA. You deserve a good life. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to find a good solid love.

(((Oneyeopen)))