krhea75

Help friends! My son just called all upset because he lost his pass this week-end. He shared something confidential out of group. Now everyone hates him and he was crying, begging me to come get him. Oh my god, it hurt so bad to hear him. he's been in there 8 weeks and he only has 4 more to go. I told him I wouldn't come get him, and he said he would leave anyway. it hurts so bad and I'm so scared. I've been missing him anyway, and then to hear him begging me. I'm bawling as I write this. I thought I had gotten a lot stronger, but I'm just a blubbering mess. Any thoughts on what i should do? I called back and asked one of the counselors to talk with him tonight and give him some extra attention, and she sounded genuinely concerned. My ex thinks we should go get him, but I want him to finish successfully this time.
If he comes home he may have to go to JDC for a while.
krhea

mooselips

krhea75,
My advice would be, when in doubt, do nothing.
He may be just having a bad moment, and hopefully, it will blow over.
I've noticed, in the past, when I've gotten all upset, and wanting to run and "save" one of my sons, they call they next day, as if nothing happened to start with! Made me question my getting so fretful...all for nothing.

Hold on, it things may change before you know it.

Hugs,

patchoulli

I agree...let him face the consequences of his actions. That is how we all grow...not comfortable but effective. you sound like such a caring mom...

mistt

As a RA my family tried to rescue me so many times from situations. It only made going back to using drugs that much easier for me. I know they had only the best intentions for me but it only hurt me in the long run. Once they decided to let me fall all by myself, I fell far enough to want to try and pick myself back up. As a mother myself I know it must be excruciating to watch your child go through this.

rahsue

oh boy, I so feel for you, really, I don't know what I would do if it were me in your shoes. My as is also my youngest and I think I still treat him that way even though he's 22 now, so if he were to call crying, oh boy I hope I would have the strength to do the right thing and leave him there.


good luck
mothers prayers to you

teke

i agree with the others, sorry that he's having a hard time for today, and you've already informed the counselors, so hopefully they will talk to him and help him to deal with whatever issue he is facing. in my opinion, one of the benefits of recovery is learning to live life on life's terms. i think that what he maybe going through right now, is a life issue. those kinds of disagreements happens, maybe he's in a better position right now to learn how to deal with this for himself so that you won't have to continue to do it for him once he gets out.

Hangin' In

I agree with the others. Like Moose, my AD has called on more than one occasion all upset about something only to find her fine in a few hours or the next day. My sponsor has told me to not get drawn into the drama (which I've been so good at doing in the past) because they have to learn that living in the drama is not a good choice for them. And I'm not to feed that drama.

Give him the opportunity to work through this. If you go and rescue him, you are actually cheating him of a chance to learn a valuable lesson, or at least that is my opinion.

I just know I've done WAY too many things for my kids which have kept them from growing and learning responsibilty. I think I'm finally getting it..the fact that they have to make their decisions and live with the consequences. And if I get in the way of that, I'm not really helping them, only hurting them.

Hugs,
Hangin' In

lil516

You've gotten some good advice....

I know how hard this is(believe me...been there, done that....too many times)

unfortunately if you rescue him and prevent him from dealing with this latest crisis another will eventually surface (they always do...) and he will not know how to handle it nor will he have the safety or support of a rehab setting...

stay strong....let him know you are praying for him but taking him out of rehab is not an option...

you are in my prayers

kj0975

Remember how young he is and remember when you were that age EVERYTHING was a problem. I agree with the rest there might be a lesson here to learn that the problem might not be as big as he thinks it is. He is also at an age where he thinks alot about what other people think of him. I am not a mom so I dont have any advice just hugs. I am sure this is hard as I watch my mom cry everytime we have to leave my sister so she can go back and sit in her cell. It breaks my heart but there is a lesson that my sister had to learn. Unfortunatly the hard way.

bookmiser

"I just know I've done WAY too many things for my kids which have kept them from growing and learning responsibilty. I think I'm finally getting it..the fact that they have to make their decisions and live with the consequences. And if I get in the way of that, I'm not really helping them, only hurting them.-quote by hangin' in


I couldn't agree more, krhea. did you read what i just recently went through?
oh boy. it took everything in my power not to run to him. but i didn't. i'm glad too. he acts like nothin' happened. aaarrrgggg! I know it's hard. trust me, when i say that. my son went to jail for 6 months, and when he was first arrested, he called me 100 times. "please, come get me".
he went so far as to lie about things and make things up so i would come and bail him out, so he wouldn't have to be dope sick and locked up.
know what? it drove me crazy, lol, but i didn't bail him out.
he's not shooting heroin anymore, but... well, we won't go into the stupid sh*t he's still doin'.
stay strong sweetie. i'm sure this is gonna work itself out and hp will take care of it. stay strong and focused. your doing this for him.
you need to talk, i'm a pm away.
your friend and a mom too,

krhea75

THanks all, I know that you are right. I don't intend on going to get him, but if he gets discharged they will call and ask me to come get him. I feel better now after spending time with bf and stepping back a bit. He has to deal with this and I agree that this is one of those life lessons he will have to face sooner or later. Thanks for the advice and listening to me vent....hopefully tomorrow will be better.
krhea

greeteachday

(((((Krhea))))))
Great shared experience here. I'm another mom who can add a ton of stories about wanting to rescue or rescuing only to find out everything had blown over or that my child had worked it out on her own. When my youngest was in rehab the first time, she did something that got her group angry with her. She tried to call me to talk about it and fortunately for some reason could not get through. The next time she could call she was in a room with others and did not want to say much...Well I ended up not finding out what happened until she was discharged and it turned out it was something that I know would have had me worried and scared and wanting to rescue her. But she worked it out over the course of a few days...she was convinced everyone hated her, but of course they didn't. They gave her a hard time, but that is what they are there for...to call each other out on their addict behaviors. Once she let go of her defensiveness and admitted that she made a mistake and stopped blaming others, the group and her counselors helped her work through it and they all grew closer.

I know it is hard to do, but the most loving thing we can do for our children is let them learn life lessons on their own. It helps them to grow and increases their self-confidence. I beleive most addicts have low self esteem and we don't help raise it by rescuing. It's so hard...we think it is the "right" thing to protect and shelter, but I've seen the joy my older daughter is finding in making her own way and doing it herself. Hang tight, and please try to give this time to play out. You may be saving his life by letting him fly on his own. Hugs and prayers

parentrecovers

thinking about you, krhea. remember - addicts hate the word "no".

blessings, k

hope213

my advice, leave him there. he has got to face & live life on lifes terms. i have been telling my son this for 10 yrs now. i hope this works out for him & he will not feel so bad about being there.i know it is hard.my prayers are there. hugs,hope

Done_With_It

I think that was the right think. He really needs to deal w/the consequences. Nothing more than we want to do than run to Mom to fix our mistakes, lol.
We sure do like to make them, but we don't like to fix them.

Sharing something confidential from group IS a big deal, and he needs to deal w/it. Better he deal w/it in rehab & learn a lesson than out on the street.
Counselors are trained in how to deal w/that type of stuff anyway, they will help all of them work through their 'hate' and all those trust feelings..
It's a good thing for them to be going through this stuff in rehab...
The more they are forced to deal w/feelings, issues, etc. the better it is.

I know him crying is hard for you, but it's the best thing for him...


(((...)))

krhea75

Thanks again for the common sense. I talked to his counselor, and he is doing better today. He still wants to leave,but i told him that wasn't an option. I am going to visit him tomorrow and we are going to have a counseling session about the whole thing. His counselor has been out sick all week, and he is coming in to work with us. Talk about a gem! Prayers that tomorrow will go well. I am a little nervous about it.
krhea

caughtinthemid

When my AS went to rehab, I was so relieved he was there. Finally he was in a place where people knew how to respond to him in constructive ways.

He did call me a few times in crisis. While I hurt for him, I never considered going to get him out (and fortunately he never asked) but my thinking was that if he is going to have a crisis, I want it to happen when he is surrounded by experts who can help him work through it. If he encountered a crisis at home, he and I both would revert to former behaviors and we know how that would end up.

Someone told me once when I was unsure what to do, to do the opposite of what I would have done in the past.

You got prayers, krhea75.

hopeforever

kreah!!
im gald he stayed and im very proud of you!!! your amazing!!,,
very strong keep the way youre!! ilearn somuchform yoursharringa nd from you actions!!
i think he will beok youknow th good things about days is that they go away and the bad days go with them, so hell beok ihope and tomorrwo when u gototh meting i hope it helpyouand yourfamily!!! hugs to you and prayers!

Done_With_It

Ahhh you'll be just fine. My doc was meth, it took me a good 9-12 months of whining and crying before I even began to stop getting those horrible cravings. He's still in rehab? His brain is still probably trying to function w/out the drugs, I cried a lot, & a I never cry...
Ask these ladies here, I was an emotional wreck in the beginning.
I didn't know what to do w/myself...... (still dont 1/2 the time)
lol, but in the beginning your emotions are just a mess.

It takes a long time for your brain to "GET" that you don't
need drugs to live. Once you do that to yourself,
You really screw yourself for a long time. Your brain is
powerful, it has a Hard time understanding 'Logic'... lol
I know how hard that is to understand when you haven't been
addicted to some kind of drug before. But you really begin
to believe you will die w/out the drug...

Do you know what defragmenting your computer is? That's kind of what it's like, lol, your brain has to put itself back together, and it's discombobulated in the process. I remember coming here on my 9 month anniversary saying I felt like I'd just given birth, (i never have, but....)
Take what he says and does w/a grain of salt.....
On one hand his emotions are very real, he's feeling them probably
more than he ever has, but don't take anything personal, don't
let him manipulate you, Just love him, If that makes sense....
He's sooo fortunate to be able to be in rehab, so many people
don't get that opportunity... Don't even think of taking
it away from him, No matter what he says to you....... ;-) (JMO)

One of my favorite quotes is you teach people how to treat you...
Set the tone for that now.. ;-)
You'll do great!! Let us know how it goes!!

Done_With_It