doneforsure

Hi all,
Well, I learned some very valuable lessons the hard way in this past week. My exagf just recently went on welfare, and was looking for me to bail her out of the hole she's in financially, and I told her there was no way I would, that I loaned her thousands of dollars and I haven't seen a dollar of it, and I know I won't. The cancellation of the health insurance went through, and I called her last Thursday to let her know I'd send her the COBRA forms, and what a storm that caused. She called me about 6 times while at work, which after the first call I let everything go to voice mail, and I sent her an email telling her that I wasn't trying to hurt her etc etc, and she turned around and called HR, told them I was harrassing her, and I called in on the carpet and had to explain the entire situation. My mistake....should never have sent an email from work.
This past weekend she contacted me again, I nicely told her that taking care of her substance abuse was too important to ignore, that we didn't see things the same, and that any further contact would not serve any purpose whatsoever. She asked me for some of the things that somehow ended up in my car, and I agreed as long as she wanted to give me back about 1000 worth of tools, along with some of my son's things that were still at her house. She agreed, however she wouldn't tell me when. Folks, I know that it's a bridge that she wanted to keep open, but after the fiasco last Thursday, no thank you. I was very nice to her, explained to her that I just wanted to be decent to her, but she just went completely ballistic. I'm thinking that she was just looking to keep the road open, but I'm ready for some closure here, and was just trying to do the right thing. I made a movie(I work in the computer field) with 3D animations of each of her family members as well as a pretty cool slide show of her family and one for her friend. That blew up in my face as well....resulting in her calling my mother of all people, threatening all kinds of things, calling my job again, complaints of harrassment, yet if there was any harrassment here, it's been the other way around with all the nasty messages and emails she has sent me. What a bunch of bull. I don't care about the right and decent thing anymore, because even trying to end it with her on a decent note is just way way too dangerous. I considered a police escort to retrieve my things, but you know what? It just isn't worth it. She is so unstable.agreeable..nice one minute...looking to nail me to the wall the next... I can no longer risk it. Rules are set up to delete emails automatically, and all phone calls are not being answered. The lies she tells are unreal. As my screen name says, doneforsure before I end up losing everything.

I just had to vent. Better I guess than letting it get to me and making a bad decision that will be way too costly.

Thanks all

kj0975

I am sorry your going through this. Sounds like she is nice then starts to panic and acts out in anger she wants u to pay for the pain she feels. Maybe she is mad cause she realizes that your strong enough now to cut all ties with her and she is going to make u pay. I am sorry for that what some people do when angry is beyond me. Messing with your job and such should be a boundry that should never be crossed. I wish I had some magic words but I think what your doing is best b4 she destroys everything that u have worked for. Your job should know she is just a vengful ex! I'd be Doneforsure too.

doneforsure

Thanks kj. Yes, I believe your right about the anger and the reasons why. She has blamed me...says I ruined her life.....sends me emails about how her and her daughter are so hungry and how all the utilities are being shut off.....typical setup looking for me to bail her out. I did explain everything to HR, but it was quite embarrassing at the same time because everyone in upper management was made aware of it before I spoke with HR. I know her...she wouldn't hesitate in fabricating anything she needed to just to get a restraining order and make my life as hard as possible. I have to cut all ties. Problem is, I have business ties with her family, but I'm working to phase out of that too.

kj0975

no she ruined her own life all u did was save your own. Not your fault. If she would get clean she wouldnt have any of these problems. She is an adult and is control of her life no one can ruin your life but yourself if u allow it. I hope everything works out.

teke

sorry you are going through this. seems like you may have learned a hard lesson. i've learned quite a few of them myself. in my experience, i found that sometimes is best to let old dogs rest.

i remember at times when my rah and i were seperated that i would obsess with how he was doing and sometimes i just couldn't resist calling for one reason or another, i admit, i have even made up excuses to call knowing that my motives were not exactly pure and boy did i hate i called. not saying that this is what happened with you at all, just remembering the times when i found out the hard way that somethings are better left undone and unsaid. it can cause more harm that good

i think that she was kind of insensitive about calling you at the job and all, but guess what, she's addict and sometimes addicts don't think sensibly. hope that thing are going well at the job, in spite of all.

parentrecovers

hey done, i think sometimes addicts/alcoholics do this kind of stuff as a distraction from the task at hand - recovery. i've found it's best to just stay out of the irrational stuff - it helps YOU and them?

blessings, k

rahsue

well I say good for you, maybe a peaceful night sleep is heading your way

SaTiT

Been there , done that. My gf use to call me right around pay day
like clock work. Fighting the urge to open up those e-mails was fun.

Btw..if you're as sick as i was....I hope you're not. May I suggest
reading and reserching on co-dependency. And if you make mistakes
or slip and slide, please keep in contact or post, or reach out
no matter what... Been there , done that.

Please take care of yourself. Very draining and chaotic, it has been.

God bless

doneforsure

Thanks all, Satit. I've been working on the codie stuff once a week with therapy. Anvil, same here about the paydays. She was swinging back and forth so much, and as all said here, as much as I let her, one day saying she wants help, next saying she doesn't blah blah blah, it all coming down to trying to blame me and telling me all the issues with being hungry quack quack quack. I finally got tired enough this week, tried to be decent about things....but you can only be decent to someone when they want the same thing. I'm surely done now. I'm filling my days. Next week I start picking my son up every morning 6:30 Am and start excerising with him, as well as picking him after work to sit in the library and do his homework with him. I've got my work cut out for me....lots to do. Outside of the couple instances of major drama, feels good to have a calm, mostly stress free day.

Thanks all for you words

Brownie

Dear doneforsure: Stay Strong - trying myself to do that with my AD.

Elana

when you cut off all contact they can get a little nutz. Same thing happened here. I am done but he is not.

I was thinking of a restraining order but I really just don't want to add to the drama or add to the contact or any of that. I have done the email thing too. I have also requested he cease contacting me in any way. If that does not work, I will go forward with the RO.

doneforsure

It's all about control, at least in my situation. I don't bother with email, leave her alone, and it's like a few days go by and it starts, so that's why the rule is set up to automatically delete them. She get's into her nice nice mode, and as soon as I try to do the decent thing, wham.....she gets outrageous, accusing Me of harrassment when the only words I said were nice. So, no point anymore in trying to be decent. What I left there I can replace.

I never before had to deal with this kind of nonsense and I never will again. The next person who tells me "I Don't do drugs and I have no major issues" the way she did when I first met her 3 years ago, I am not going to turn and walk, I'm going to turn and run like mad.

The things is, like everyone else here, I really loved her and her daughter. It's such a waste what they do to themselves, and in her case, what she's doing to her daughter as well.

Elana

Yes. I really love my XABF too.
However, having my trust and love used like I was a door mat simply does not cut it for me. When he lfirst left I was not done. I most certainly am now.

It IS a shame what they do to themselves.

Not my problem.