Chasing an elusive dream...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Chasing an elusive dream...
Thats what I've been doing. And its time to stop. Its time to take an honest look at my life...at my choices...and face up to my mistakes with love, understanding and gentleness rather than condemnation.
In alot of ways, I have let go of the dreams that surrounded my marriage to exah. I have accepted that he struggles with a disease. I understand that it has nothing to do with me whatsoever. I've divorced him...and restructured my life so that I do not have to rely on him for anything. Well...almost anything.
I truly believe that my exah has been clean from using drugs for quite a while...Maybe a year. He doesn't work a program of recovery but I'm okay with this too...not that it really matters how I feel about it. This is his disease...his life...and he is free to do whatever he wants as far as his recovery goes. I used to push him to go to AA meetings...I thought they were necessary...but I have truly accepted that its not my place to impose my expectations or thoughts on him. I'm okay with all of this...I'm at peace.
My exah has been living here...with my son and I...for almost 2 months now. He really seemed different this time. He really seemed committed to recovery (whatever that terms means to him). He has been a very loving father to our son. He has been so 'happy' and this time has been good for all of us. Its been a time of healing.
I've jumped on this rollercoaster of trying to make our family work so many times. I have to ask myself 'why'? What is it that I want? What I want is pretty simple...really...I just want my family back the way it used to be. Thats all. All this time, I thought if my exah just got clean and managed to stay clean, that I could live in the moment and be grateful. The hard cold truth is that I can't. I just can't.
Yesterday was exah's payday. I woke up at 3:00 in the morning yesterday with the overwhelming feeling of dread. As soon as I got home, I could tell he was drunk. He did an excellent job of trying to hide it...but I knew. I think this may have happened a few times since he's been living here but I just wasn't sure. Maybe I didn't want to believe it. Last night...I just knew.
My boundries when he moved back in were that I could not tolerate any drinking or drugs. I also could not tolerate any lies. He crossed two out of those three boundries yesterday...He drank and he lied about it.
I supposed one slip shouldn't destroy things.
I guess that would be true if I could honestly say that all I wanted was to have my family together. But I want more than that. I want to be free from the shadow of someone else's addiction. That shadow will always be there with my exah. Always.
I had a very calm, loving discussion with exah this morning before he headed off to work. I told him that he could continue to live here until he made other arrangements. In the past, I would have gotten really angry and insisted that he leave immediately. Not this time. I want to do this 'right'...I want my exah and I to be able to sit down with our son and explain to him that things just aren't going to work out. I want my son to see our parting of ways in a peaceful, non-threatening manner. I want him to feel safe and secure...even if I can't spare him the pain of this disappointment.
I'm not angry.
I'm not sad.
The only thing I do feel...is like a horrible, horrible mother. I am still so messed up in the head. If things went according to my plan...or my wishes...my exah would accept my feelings...move on with his life...and remain a stable, dependable, and loving force in my son's life. My son could visit his dad every other weekend. But I know from experience that this isn't likely to happen. My exah is simply incapable of keeping his life together without someone (that would be me) keeping him on the right path. Oh...I know...I can hear the red flags flying up at this comment. I understand. I shouldn't assume that I'm that powerful. But sadly, past experience tells me that I am. My exah is such a lost soul. I am his only anchor. I fully understand that when he is with me, he has a reason not to drink or use drugs. I also know...from past experience...that when he is not with me...he has no reason to abstain...because, after all, he enjoys drinking and he doesn't think that it causes a problem in his life.
Sigh.
I know this is his decision to make. I'm setting him free to make it. I can live with the results where my life is concerned...but truly, I can't live or acccept the effect they have on my son. Or at least, I haven't been able to accept them as far as my son is concerned in the past. But its time. I have to do it. Because this rollercoaster...back and forth...thing hurts him more than it helps him. I am so disappointed in myself over this issue. I need to forgive myself for this...Someday I hope I can.
I don't feel like I've relapsed or regressed in recovery.
I just think its time that I be honest with myself.
I've been chasing a ghost all this time.
I've done things in an effort to make my life what I want it to be rather than accepting what it is. I've got to change this. I really do.
I know this was a long post.
I really needed to get this out there.
If you made it this far...thanks for letting me share this...
In alot of ways, I have let go of the dreams that surrounded my marriage to exah. I have accepted that he struggles with a disease. I understand that it has nothing to do with me whatsoever. I've divorced him...and restructured my life so that I do not have to rely on him for anything. Well...almost anything.
I truly believe that my exah has been clean from using drugs for quite a while...Maybe a year. He doesn't work a program of recovery but I'm okay with this too...not that it really matters how I feel about it. This is his disease...his life...and he is free to do whatever he wants as far as his recovery goes. I used to push him to go to AA meetings...I thought they were necessary...but I have truly accepted that its not my place to impose my expectations or thoughts on him. I'm okay with all of this...I'm at peace.
My exah has been living here...with my son and I...for almost 2 months now. He really seemed different this time. He really seemed committed to recovery (whatever that terms means to him). He has been a very loving father to our son. He has been so 'happy' and this time has been good for all of us. Its been a time of healing.
I've jumped on this rollercoaster of trying to make our family work so many times. I have to ask myself 'why'? What is it that I want? What I want is pretty simple...really...I just want my family back the way it used to be. Thats all. All this time, I thought if my exah just got clean and managed to stay clean, that I could live in the moment and be grateful. The hard cold truth is that I can't. I just can't.
Yesterday was exah's payday. I woke up at 3:00 in the morning yesterday with the overwhelming feeling of dread. As soon as I got home, I could tell he was drunk. He did an excellent job of trying to hide it...but I knew. I think this may have happened a few times since he's been living here but I just wasn't sure. Maybe I didn't want to believe it. Last night...I just knew.
My boundries when he moved back in were that I could not tolerate any drinking or drugs. I also could not tolerate any lies. He crossed two out of those three boundries yesterday...He drank and he lied about it.
I supposed one slip shouldn't destroy things.
I guess that would be true if I could honestly say that all I wanted was to have my family together. But I want more than that. I want to be free from the shadow of someone else's addiction. That shadow will always be there with my exah. Always.
I had a very calm, loving discussion with exah this morning before he headed off to work. I told him that he could continue to live here until he made other arrangements. In the past, I would have gotten really angry and insisted that he leave immediately. Not this time. I want to do this 'right'...I want my exah and I to be able to sit down with our son and explain to him that things just aren't going to work out. I want my son to see our parting of ways in a peaceful, non-threatening manner. I want him to feel safe and secure...even if I can't spare him the pain of this disappointment.
I'm not angry.
I'm not sad.
The only thing I do feel...is like a horrible, horrible mother. I am still so messed up in the head. If things went according to my plan...or my wishes...my exah would accept my feelings...move on with his life...and remain a stable, dependable, and loving force in my son's life. My son could visit his dad every other weekend. But I know from experience that this isn't likely to happen. My exah is simply incapable of keeping his life together without someone (that would be me) keeping him on the right path. Oh...I know...I can hear the red flags flying up at this comment. I understand. I shouldn't assume that I'm that powerful. But sadly, past experience tells me that I am. My exah is such a lost soul. I am his only anchor. I fully understand that when he is with me, he has a reason not to drink or use drugs. I also know...from past experience...that when he is not with me...he has no reason to abstain...because, after all, he enjoys drinking and he doesn't think that it causes a problem in his life.
Sigh.
I know this is his decision to make. I'm setting him free to make it. I can live with the results where my life is concerned...but truly, I can't live or acccept the effect they have on my son. Or at least, I haven't been able to accept them as far as my son is concerned in the past. But its time. I have to do it. Because this rollercoaster...back and forth...thing hurts him more than it helps him. I am so disappointed in myself over this issue. I need to forgive myself for this...Someday I hope I can.
I don't feel like I've relapsed or regressed in recovery.
I just think its time that I be honest with myself.
I've been chasing a ghost all this time.
I've done things in an effort to make my life what I want it to be rather than accepting what it is. I've got to change this. I really do.
I know this was a long post.
I really needed to get this out there.
If you made it this far...thanks for letting me share this...
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
(((Limb)))
You did this based on his apparent ability to stay clean long term, you did this to bring your family together and provide your son with two loving parents, and you did this with your recovery shining all the way. No guilt, sweetie, no regrets, you did what you thought was best for everyone including you.
Sometimes life just doesn't turn out the way we hoped for or planned. Sometimes it takes an ugly twist or drops an unpleasant surprise on us. Sometimes God just has other plans for each of us.
Go forward in peace, with light in your heart. This time you all had together brought something special to each of you and It is part of what lets you grow and nothing can undo the good times you had together. It was a gift.
My prayers go out for all of you in the coming days. May each of you find happiness and peace and comfort in the love that you have all shared.
Hugs
You did this based on his apparent ability to stay clean long term, you did this to bring your family together and provide your son with two loving parents, and you did this with your recovery shining all the way. No guilt, sweetie, no regrets, you did what you thought was best for everyone including you.
Sometimes life just doesn't turn out the way we hoped for or planned. Sometimes it takes an ugly twist or drops an unpleasant surprise on us. Sometimes God just has other plans for each of us.
Go forward in peace, with light in your heart. This time you all had together brought something special to each of you and It is part of what lets you grow and nothing can undo the good times you had together. It was a gift.
My prayers go out for all of you in the coming days. May each of you find happiness and peace and comfort in the love that you have all shared.
Hugs
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Limb, I just noticed this line from your signature. I know that life holds much happiness ahead for you.
Amen, Limb, amen.
We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
-E.M. Forster
-E.M. Forster
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Thank you so muc for sharing this. Your words have helped me a lot today.
I think you have done everything honestly and right for good reasons. I am impressed with you. I really and truly am.
(((OOAL)))
I think you have done everything honestly and right for good reasons. I am impressed with you. I really and truly am.
(((OOAL)))
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Out -
Your words brought tears to my eyes. I heard all that you were saying. I soooo understand that it's been not only about your hopes and dreams but mainly, what you want for your son. I have sons and I know how I feel about what they deserve. I have had to accept that they have a HP too. I hear what you are saying about your recovery. You have done your work and it shows. It's interesting to be "along" in it because I am continually aware that "more will be revealed". It's the subtlties that are pointing out my boundary issues. Two years laters I've finally getting it that I'm supposed to feel happy, joyous, and free????????? And I have to do what to feel that way? They know what they are talking about when they say "it works if you work it". Work it is - but well worth it.
One more thing - you're right about having to stay out of his recovery. I have to stay out of my RAH's.....much to my chagrine. "If he understood the depth of his problem then he'd be working his a** off!" kinda thing. Can't go there -can't do that. All I can do is work on mine. I was at an AA meeting this week where someone said that they had never seen anyone with long term recovery not stay connected with the program. Now, I know that there are lots of people that HAVE done that but I do believe that it's very hard to stay sober without a community of support.
Good luck with your situation. Stay strong and take care of you and your son! Lots of love, Donna
Your words brought tears to my eyes. I heard all that you were saying. I soooo understand that it's been not only about your hopes and dreams but mainly, what you want for your son. I have sons and I know how I feel about what they deserve. I have had to accept that they have a HP too. I hear what you are saying about your recovery. You have done your work and it shows. It's interesting to be "along" in it because I am continually aware that "more will be revealed". It's the subtlties that are pointing out my boundary issues. Two years laters I've finally getting it that I'm supposed to feel happy, joyous, and free????????? And I have to do what to feel that way? They know what they are talking about when they say "it works if you work it". Work it is - but well worth it.
One more thing - you're right about having to stay out of his recovery. I have to stay out of my RAH's.....much to my chagrine. "If he understood the depth of his problem then he'd be working his a** off!" kinda thing. Can't go there -can't do that. All I can do is work on mine. I was at an AA meeting this week where someone said that they had never seen anyone with long term recovery not stay connected with the program. Now, I know that there are lots of people that HAVE done that but I do believe that it's very hard to stay sober without a community of support.
Good luck with your situation. Stay strong and take care of you and your son! Lots of love, Donna
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Edmonton AB
Posts: 285
(((Outonalimb)))
What you having been asking for all this time was nothing more than him to be clean, and to found out he's "still" not is heartbreaking. Every emotion must have came back to you, after facing he had been drinking again and Lied about it.
It's hard to face reality after imagining the possibilites of a healthy family and loving surroundings.
Any decision you make I will support. You are a wonderful mom, and your children already know this..
Stay strong
What you having been asking for all this time was nothing more than him to be clean, and to found out he's "still" not is heartbreaking. Every emotion must have came back to you, after facing he had been drinking again and Lied about it.
It's hard to face reality after imagining the possibilites of a healthy family and loving surroundings.
Any decision you make I will support. You are a wonderful mom, and your children already know this..
Stay strong
Just plainly tired
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: crossroads
Posts: 2,834
Limb, thank you.. you said so much of what I am feeling right touched on so many thoughts I have myself but havent allowed myself to listen. Thank you from the bottem of my heart.
Sending you family my prayers.
Hugs,
Jewel
Sending you family my prayers.
Hugs,
Jewel
Member
.gif)
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: SPLENDORA,TX
Posts: 24
I THINK I WROTE YOUR WHOLE POST. THOSE ARE ALL MY THOUGHTS.
MY HUBBY IS STAYING WITH ME AND MY 2 KIDS. BUT I AM READY FOR HIM TO GO. MY ONLY PROBLEM IS I CAN'T SEEM TO MAKE HIM STAY GONE. HE COMES OVER CRIEING AND THREATENING SUICIDE AND I LET HIM BACK HOME. BUT THIS TIME I THINK IS DIFFERENT, CAUSE THE LOVE THAT USE TO BE THERE ISN'T THERE ANYMORE. I JUST HAVE TO MAKE HIM LEAVE AND STAY GONE.
YOU WROTE "I've been chasing a ghost all this time. I've done things in an effort to make my life what I want it to be rather than accepting what it is."
I TO THOUGHT THAT THIS TIME WOULD BE DIFFERENT, THAT WE COULD BE HAPPY AGAIN. BUT I CAN'T FORGET THE PAST AND I KEEP FINDING OUT NEW THINGS THAT HE DID OR STOLE OR LIED ABOUT AND I CAN'T MOVE ON. I HAVE TO LET HIM GO SO I CAN.
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU FOR ALL YOU HAVE ACOMPLISHED AND WILL OVERCOME. THERE IS A SONG THAT COUNTRY SINGER MARTINA MCBRIDE SINGS CALLED "BELIEVE". IF YOU'VE HEARD IT, YOU MAY RELATE TO IT IN SOME WAY. I KNOW I DO. THERE IS ALSO A SONG THAT RASCAL FLATS SING CALLED "STAND" THAT I JUST LOVE AND CAN RELATE TO ALSO. THEY ARE BOTH WONDERFUL SONGS.
AGAIN, THANK YOU FOR YOUR POST.
MANY HUGS AND LOTS OF PRAYERS YOUR WAY.
MY HUBBY IS STAYING WITH ME AND MY 2 KIDS. BUT I AM READY FOR HIM TO GO. MY ONLY PROBLEM IS I CAN'T SEEM TO MAKE HIM STAY GONE. HE COMES OVER CRIEING AND THREATENING SUICIDE AND I LET HIM BACK HOME. BUT THIS TIME I THINK IS DIFFERENT, CAUSE THE LOVE THAT USE TO BE THERE ISN'T THERE ANYMORE. I JUST HAVE TO MAKE HIM LEAVE AND STAY GONE.
YOU WROTE "I've been chasing a ghost all this time. I've done things in an effort to make my life what I want it to be rather than accepting what it is."
I TO THOUGHT THAT THIS TIME WOULD BE DIFFERENT, THAT WE COULD BE HAPPY AGAIN. BUT I CAN'T FORGET THE PAST AND I KEEP FINDING OUT NEW THINGS THAT HE DID OR STOLE OR LIED ABOUT AND I CAN'T MOVE ON. I HAVE TO LET HIM GO SO I CAN.
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU FOR ALL YOU HAVE ACOMPLISHED AND WILL OVERCOME. THERE IS A SONG THAT COUNTRY SINGER MARTINA MCBRIDE SINGS CALLED "BELIEVE". IF YOU'VE HEARD IT, YOU MAY RELATE TO IT IN SOME WAY. I KNOW I DO. THERE IS ALSO A SONG THAT RASCAL FLATS SING CALLED "STAND" THAT I JUST LOVE AND CAN RELATE TO ALSO. THEY ARE BOTH WONDERFUL SONGS.
AGAIN, THANK YOU FOR YOUR POST.
MANY HUGS AND LOTS OF PRAYERS YOUR WAY.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
well...I'm sitting in my local library...reading your replies...crying. yes, crying. I think the woman next to me thinks I'm a little off-balance. (She's right 
)Each one of you have touched my heart with your replies. Thank you all so much for your understanding hearts, encouragement, and kindness. I'm humbled...really...I am.
I stopped at the local library on my way home from work because I don't want to go home. Not yet. My exah has left a few messages about how much he loves me...and how he is going to go to AA meetings...He says he needs help. I know he means it with every ounce of his being. I do. Its just that I've heard this all before. Its such a vicious cycle and I'm poised to finally step out of it...All I gotta do is be true to my self. I have to hold on to the truth...as I know it...and work my way through this difficult situation with compassion and grace...not my usual tools of anger and blame.
I went to a conference today. It was held in this beautiful old building that used to be a seminary. It had this really beautiful, peaceful chapel. I went in there between sessions to 'talk' with my HP. I offered everything I am up to him...my weakness as well as my strength...and asked him to untangle everything and lead me where he wants me to go. All I gotta do is hold on for the ride. I believe this. I really do.
You are all in my thoughts and prayers...
You are all such a blessing...You really are.
Much love...
)Each one of you have touched my heart with your replies. Thank you all so much for your understanding hearts, encouragement, and kindness. I'm humbled...really...I am. I stopped at the local library on my way home from work because I don't want to go home. Not yet. My exah has left a few messages about how much he loves me...and how he is going to go to AA meetings...He says he needs help. I know he means it with every ounce of his being. I do. Its just that I've heard this all before. Its such a vicious cycle and I'm poised to finally step out of it...All I gotta do is be true to my self. I have to hold on to the truth...as I know it...and work my way through this difficult situation with compassion and grace...not my usual tools of anger and blame.
I went to a conference today. It was held in this beautiful old building that used to be a seminary. It had this really beautiful, peaceful chapel. I went in there between sessions to 'talk' with my HP. I offered everything I am up to him...my weakness as well as my strength...and asked him to untangle everything and lead me where he wants me to go. All I gotta do is hold on for the ride. I believe this. I really do.
You are all in my thoughts and prayers...
You are all such a blessing...You really are.
Much love...
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
((((OOAL))))
Hugs to you....
I'm sorry for you, and your son that it didn't work out, but you know, as I know, your H.P. has good things in store for you.
The one thing that left a bad taste in my mouth was the line about you feeling like a "horrible" mother.
Read that post again, sweetie.
You are thinking of a future of stability, and sobriety for you and your son. I think that makes you a pretty terrific, caring, mother in my book.
Hugs,
Hugs to you....
I'm sorry for you, and your son that it didn't work out, but you know, as I know, your H.P. has good things in store for you.
The one thing that left a bad taste in my mouth was the line about you feeling like a "horrible" mother.
Read that post again, sweetie.
You are thinking of a future of stability, and sobriety for you and your son. I think that makes you a pretty terrific, caring, mother in my book.
Hugs,
'Round and 'Round I Go....
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 478
My heart goes out to you Out....
I know that ache in your heart. It seem almost too much for one person to bear but somehow you are bearing it. If our will and love were enough to get someone into recovery and make them abstain our loved ones would be living atleast five lifetimes drug free.
I know that ache in your heart. It seem almost too much for one person to bear but somehow you are bearing it. If our will and love were enough to get someone into recovery and make them abstain our loved ones would be living atleast five lifetimes drug free.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
((((((Mary)))))))
You are definitely a wonderful mother and person and friend and everything you have done you have done for all the right reasons. I'm sorry that it isn't working out as you hoped, but I completely believe that it will work out as your HP planned.
I do too Mary...You have many blessings and you will have many, many more.
I know family means so much to you and I know you want the best for your son. He has the best...he has you, a most incredible mother whose love for her son and for your ex too and for all of us just radiates. Your little guy has family...he has love. It may not be as you had envisioned, but it's so clear to me that he is encircled by a world of love and family.
Love, hugs and prayers for all of you. Be strong, Mary and follow what you feel is right. I know your HP is guiding you with that gentle inner voice you hear.
Thank you for sharing your love, your honesty and your wisdom here.
You are definitely a wonderful mother and person and friend and everything you have done you have done for all the right reasons. I'm sorry that it isn't working out as you hoped, but I completely believe that it will work out as your HP planned.
I went in there between sessions to 'talk' with my HP. I offered everything I am up to him...my weakness as well as my strength...and asked him to untangle everything and lead me where he wants me to go. All I gotta do is hold on for the ride. I believe this. I really do.
I do too Mary...You have many blessings and you will have many, many more.
I know family means so much to you and I know you want the best for your son. He has the best...he has you, a most incredible mother whose love for her son and for your ex too and for all of us just radiates. Your little guy has family...he has love. It may not be as you had envisioned, but it's so clear to me that he is encircled by a world of love and family.
Love, hugs and prayers for all of you. Be strong, Mary and follow what you feel is right. I know your HP is guiding you with that gentle inner voice you hear.
Thank you for sharing your love, your honesty and your wisdom here.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
You are a great mom OUT!
I think a lot of us struggle with the dream we once had and find it so difficult to let it go, especially if we have lived some of the dream. To me there is just no doubt about it, I know that I will never have my life back, not even if my exah came clean, what has happen to me inside as a person was terribly effected.
I so often wonder just how my life would have played out had he came clean when I so begged for it, I so wanted my life back and thought to myself I will look past everything that has gone on just to have it back. What I wasn't seeing was my life had taken a turn and had we re-united again I think that I would have lead the rest of my life for the satisfaction of him, always making sure he was happy and forgotten about myself and my wants and desires.
But surely down the road, somehow we are guide there.
Rose
I think a lot of us struggle with the dream we once had and find it so difficult to let it go, especially if we have lived some of the dream. To me there is just no doubt about it, I know that I will never have my life back, not even if my exah came clean, what has happen to me inside as a person was terribly effected.
I so often wonder just how my life would have played out had he came clean when I so begged for it, I so wanted my life back and thought to myself I will look past everything that has gone on just to have it back. What I wasn't seeing was my life had taken a turn and had we re-united again I think that I would have lead the rest of my life for the satisfaction of him, always making sure he was happy and forgotten about myself and my wants and desires.
But surely down the road, somehow we are guide there.
Rose
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: at home
Posts: 12
Out,
Your post was well written, honest and very descriptive...like it was my own thinking. You did for your family what ever addicts spouce wants to try to do. We want to try to keep that family unit together. We want to try to keep our children safe, our lives normal. We want the children to see their parents getting along and trying to make things normal for them. After all we are all looking for a bit of control in the situation that is not ours to control. Yup I said it ....there goes another red flag!
Our addicts can turn our world upside down in a split second. It is chaos, unreliable, irritating, agrivating and oh so frustarting...yet all we want for them is to be clean and sober. We want them to be a functioning part of society. To be a stand up father. One the kids can count on at all times...not just in spurts.
We want what other people have! You see, that ghost you speak of. He wasn't always a ghost. At one time he was all of our best friends,our lovers, our whole world before addiction set it. At one time he was your life.
I know that the ghost I have been chasing for years has started to take a new shape and doesnt come around as often. Even my ghost has had a relapse and I must move on. You see my rollercoaster was moving along and I started having fun in life with the kids. Then we got stuck upside down in the loop with a relapse. Each time he relapses it is harder and harder on the children. I want the ride to end.
You did what every mother would like to be able to do for their children. You have nothing to feel sorry for!
Your post was well written, honest and very descriptive...like it was my own thinking. You did for your family what ever addicts spouce wants to try to do. We want to try to keep that family unit together. We want to try to keep our children safe, our lives normal. We want the children to see their parents getting along and trying to make things normal for them. After all we are all looking for a bit of control in the situation that is not ours to control. Yup I said it ....there goes another red flag!
Our addicts can turn our world upside down in a split second. It is chaos, unreliable, irritating, agrivating and oh so frustarting...yet all we want for them is to be clean and sober. We want them to be a functioning part of society. To be a stand up father. One the kids can count on at all times...not just in spurts.
We want what other people have! You see, that ghost you speak of. He wasn't always a ghost. At one time he was all of our best friends,our lovers, our whole world before addiction set it. At one time he was your life.
I know that the ghost I have been chasing for years has started to take a new shape and doesnt come around as often. Even my ghost has had a relapse and I must move on. You see my rollercoaster was moving along and I started having fun in life with the kids. Then we got stuck upside down in the loop with a relapse. Each time he relapses it is harder and harder on the children. I want the ride to end.
You did what every mother would like to be able to do for their children. You have nothing to feel sorry for!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
