fell into the trap... again
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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fell into the trap... again
guys, i'm really really down tonight. i fell into the trap that my ex was changing... today was her 4th day sober... we were really getting along great the past few days, i thought things were back to normal, i thought things were improving for both of us... then today she's been drinking and i just can't let it go... i just keep saying please, please don't do this... you're better than this... and i get yelled at, screamed at, hung up on, told it would have been better if we had never met, and other things i know the sober girl wouldn't say...
but here i am, sobbing for hours, feeling miserable... knowing all along that i couldn't control what she was doing, knowing that i should have stayed away from her, knowing that this isn't good for me... but, gosh, i see this 23 year old with so much to offer... i see the person who was sober for over a year with me... i see someone who knows that this is not who she wants to be, but she just can't stop...
i'm having such a hard time letting go. i just need good thoughts tonight... i need to know it gets better...
but here i am, sobbing for hours, feeling miserable... knowing all along that i couldn't control what she was doing, knowing that i should have stayed away from her, knowing that this isn't good for me... but, gosh, i see this 23 year old with so much to offer... i see the person who was sober for over a year with me... i see someone who knows that this is not who she wants to be, but she just can't stop...
i'm having such a hard time letting go. i just need good thoughts tonight... i need to know it gets better...
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
Good thoughts going out to you---don't cry there was and is nothing you can do really--one the up side she is young--maybe she will wake up and realize all that she has right in front of her....be strong,,,,and don't cry---
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
There's a story I've heard several versions of in my meetings:
A man was taking a walk and came to a fork in the road. He went left and about a half mile in, fell in a huge pothole. The next day, he came to the same fork and thought, well, I'm sure they fixed that huge hole, so to the left he went. Fell in again. So it went for some time, each day him believing that of course they would have fixed that road by now. One day he fell in and broke his leg. The next day, on crutches, he finally chose the fork to the right and got where he was trying to go.
Some old timers will say well, how many times did he fall in and how many times did he jump in? I'd say I jumped in plenty. Then I guess I broke my leg and decided I needed to heal.
I'm sorry you are in such pain InThis, I know how much it can hurt. I promise you it will get better when you start doing the "hard" stuff.
((()))
A man was taking a walk and came to a fork in the road. He went left and about a half mile in, fell in a huge pothole. The next day, he came to the same fork and thought, well, I'm sure they fixed that huge hole, so to the left he went. Fell in again. So it went for some time, each day him believing that of course they would have fixed that road by now. One day he fell in and broke his leg. The next day, on crutches, he finally chose the fork to the right and got where he was trying to go.
Some old timers will say well, how many times did he fall in and how many times did he jump in? I'd say I jumped in plenty. Then I guess I broke my leg and decided I needed to heal.
I'm sorry you are in such pain InThis, I know how much it can hurt. I promise you it will get better when you start doing the "hard" stuff.
((()))
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Dont cry hun....remember the 3 C's......
She will quit when she is ready and not a moment before and our tears dont mean a thing to them most of the time....sad but true.
My XAH told me after 22 years of marriage that he wasnt going to stop for us (me and the kids) or for anybody including the law....he has been drinking daily since he was 17. He is now 46 and in terrible health but yet still has his job...for now anyway.
You cant change her - I know you know this..it hurts alot because we love our addicts but just remember what she is - she is an addict and she is only doing what addicts do.
Hang in there and keep coming here okay.
((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
Janit
She will quit when she is ready and not a moment before and our tears dont mean a thing to them most of the time....sad but true.
My XAH told me after 22 years of marriage that he wasnt going to stop for us (me and the kids) or for anybody including the law....he has been drinking daily since he was 17. He is now 46 and in terrible health but yet still has his job...for now anyway.
You cant change her - I know you know this..it hurts alot because we love our addicts but just remember what she is - she is an addict and she is only doing what addicts do.
Hang in there and keep coming here okay.
((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
Janit
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
Hey there InthisForMe. I'm sorry for your rollercoaster ride with your A. Not fair. Addiction sucks. What a let down. So crazy-making to have the rug pulled out from under you like that. That's what it always felt like for me when my AH would go on a binge. My whole world would get turned upside down. Hang in there...do what YOU need to do to keep YOU healthy and sane.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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thanks guys... i just needed some support tonight so i didn't lose my mind...
denny i love that story, it's very true to my life right now!
chero - i guess, sad as it is, i'm kind of afraid she'd fall apart more without me in her life anymore... even though it's happening with me in her life anyway so what difference does it make, right?
i just keep thinking that she was sober for over a year when we were together. i never drank, i'm a totally amazing influence on her life (if i do say so myself
) ... and i know she's disappointed in who she's become, i know she's unhappy, but she can't seem to grasp the concept that she could be something more and do more with her life... she's so young!
i'm just afraid staying away from her is going to hurt HER more, even though it hurts me each time she drinks and i'm yelled at... it just makes me so sad to see someone i love completely morph into someone else i can't stand...
denny i love that story, it's very true to my life right now!
chero - i guess, sad as it is, i'm kind of afraid she'd fall apart more without me in her life anymore... even though it's happening with me in her life anyway so what difference does it make, right?
i just keep thinking that she was sober for over a year when we were together. i never drank, i'm a totally amazing influence on her life (if i do say so myself
) ... and i know she's disappointed in who she's become, i know she's unhappy, but she can't seem to grasp the concept that she could be something more and do more with her life... she's so young!i'm just afraid staying away from her is going to hurt HER more, even though it hurts me each time she drinks and i'm yelled at... it just makes me so sad to see someone i love completely morph into someone else i can't stand...
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
In, I can soooo relate. I stay with my AH because I think maybe.....
He did quit once for about a year and a half and then started up again out of no where! Watching him do it kills me and for some reason I get up every day and fall into that pot hole. We just must not be ready yet. I keep hearing about our As having to hit rock bottom...maybe we do to? I don't know!
I'll be praying for you and her and me and him!
Cheryl
He did quit once for about a year and a half and then started up again out of no where! Watching him do it kills me and for some reason I get up every day and fall into that pot hole. We just must not be ready yet. I keep hearing about our As having to hit rock bottom...maybe we do to? I don't know!
I'll be praying for you and her and me and him!
Cheryl
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
i keep reminding myself of those 3 C's all the time!
i wish i could just look into a crystal ball and see where my life is going to be in a few years based on the path i'm on now vs one i would be on without her...
i just want the crying and pain to stop - i feel like i don't deserve any of this and i'm the one crying over it all the time! i know you guys have all been here which definitely helps me... i hate feeling so alone and crazy all the time
i wish i could just look into a crystal ball and see where my life is going to be in a few years based on the path i'm on now vs one i would be on without her...
i just want the crying and pain to stop - i feel like i don't deserve any of this and i'm the one crying over it all the time! i know you guys have all been here which definitely helps me... i hate feeling so alone and crazy all the time
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chero it's so flippin hard isn't it!
i just keep thinking maybe... maybe this is the one time... maybe it'll stick now... maybe she's realized how great she is without the alcohol... maybe she'll start giving herself more credit... maybe she'll see how much more loved she'd be without drinking...
i just don't know how to stop thinking the maybes! even when i'm doing things for ME, i'm still thinking about her, even though i know i'm the last thing on her mind
i just keep thinking maybe... maybe this is the one time... maybe it'll stick now... maybe she's realized how great she is without the alcohol... maybe she'll start giving herself more credit... maybe she'll see how much more loved she'd be without drinking...
i just don't know how to stop thinking the maybes! even when i'm doing things for ME, i'm still thinking about her, even though i know i'm the last thing on her mind
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Join Date: Mar 2006
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You will when you are ready to live YOUR life, when you are tired of waiting for someone else to change. I let too much time pass waiting for something to change. I had to make my own changes for my own health and peace. Take care of YOU first!
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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Reading your post, I can relate so much to what you are going through. It's so hard to watch someone you love seemingly drown themselves. But what I learned from this forum is that you have to seperate their potential from who they really are at this present moment.
Holding someone to what you see as their highest potential when they are falling, when they stumble, when they are sick - it just makes this gulf so huge you don't know what even to feel.
It's ok to remember the good times, but try not to get the past and future mixed up with the present. This is a day at a time sort of thing...I can't tell you it will get better with her, but yourself, I know it will. You're on here and talking, and trying to move forward. I wish you good luck, and I'm sending you some good California vibes ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Holding someone to what you see as their highest potential when they are falling, when they stumble, when they are sick - it just makes this gulf so huge you don't know what even to feel.
It's ok to remember the good times, but try not to get the past and future mixed up with the present. This is a day at a time sort of thing...I can't tell you it will get better with her, but yourself, I know it will. You're on here and talking, and trying to move forward. I wish you good luck, and I'm sending you some good California vibes ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Titusville, FL
Posts: 82
ITFM, I'm with aztchr. You will get to a point when you know it's time to live for you, that there's nothing you can do or say, and you must save yourself. It took me 20 years to get to that point. Lots of wasted time, and it's pretty hard to start over after so much of your life has gone by. It's much harder to "let go" of someone you love after 20 years.
Your ex may wake up before you reach that point, or she may not. Dont let that be the ruling factor in your life, you DO deserve better. I wish you peace, and happiness.
Your ex may wake up before you reach that point, or she may not. Dont let that be the ruling factor in your life, you DO deserve better. I wish you peace, and happiness.
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