Janitw

Hello everyone its been awhile since the last time I started a thread...but I need to get this off my chest.

I found out yesterday that since my xah married the meth/alcoholic hooch back in October it only took him 3 months to convince her to add him to her property deed...now he has twice the acreage that we had and a party girl to boot. I guess she really is everything that I wasnt.. I dont understand you guys??? How is it that the good people always finish last in life? They destroyed a family and he benefits seven ways to sunday...I dont get it - I dont get it....

I just hate this........just seeing his signature on a legal document and her new name with his just upsets me soooooooo much.....I hate this....it hurts soooo much.....

Cynay

I know it feels like that and Im sorry it hurts so much ....

Once that shock wears off you will find your senerity again... remember what you lived with? Now she is and you know it is progressive, who knows what chaos they live. Also think about how bright this one is to sign her deed over???

I would suggest reading Mars & Venus starting over..... I have been reading it currently and it does give me some peace and steps to take in our healing process ..... One day this is all going to be a bad dream that helped create the increadable person you are becoming.... think it like forging steel hon, it will become strong and beautiful again.

AllTooSober

She may be everything you aren't, but that doesn't mean she's better than you in any way!! It's cold comfort, I'm sure, but your own worth is NOT diminished by whatever they do.

How did you find this out, anyway? Did some well-meaning but short-sighted friend spill the beans?

lillian

i like the slogan "more will be revealed" -- it may seem like you are losing/he is getting everything you'd hoped for, giving everything you'd hoped for, from and to someone else, while all you got was abandonned. it really hurts-- i found out that my husband is going hiking with his new girlfriend to the very spots i'd asked him to go with me for YEARS, but he never would go with me- always too tired, too something- what i really wanted was to take pictures, to talk, to get to know eachother, enjoy nature--he encourages her, is intimate with her, in all the ways i'd wanted for us, only he never was interested- so i know he's capable, he just didn't want to with me. but there's nothing i can get out of thinking about it except sad, or mad. there's nothing in it for me. it's hard, but change the channel/try to think of other things. then, maybe in a few months, when we revisit this old channel, something different will be revealed about you, him, life... as long as i keep looking at him and being sad, i won't be able to appreciate anything good about the change. hang in there- you definetely aren't alone.

chero

Janitw, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this! I can' imagine how hard it is...but here's a question for you...if you could take him back would you??

MsGolightly

janit, i'm so sorry you're going through this. it's very possible that your ex may be getting more physical and materialistic things with his new wife, but he may also never get a connection beyond that with her. soon enough, his true colors will show to her... they just don't disappear. i feel for you and lillian, because you both have gone through so much with your exes who have moved onto someone else, but i'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and in time that reason will be revealed. i have a feeling all of this pain and heartbreak will be worth it one day - for making you a stronger person and for helping you realize what true happiness and peace really are... maybe there's a rich, good looking man waiting to enter into your life

you just never know what God's reasons are for what we go through ... but it sure does seem like (at least at this moment) that the good people end up in last place, but i have a feeling that belief will pass as your life becomes happier and more full, while his stays stagnant or becomes even worse in his disease...

dollydo

He has gained nothing, this too will be lost.

Go forward with your life, don't give one thought to what he is doing or acquiring.

denny57

I'm sorry to hear you're hurting, Janitw. When things like this happen, I now give it a couple weeks and I start to see it more clearly. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, but with clarity comes peace. In your case, I'd be thinking to myself, yeah, this may look like love to me, but to an outsider it looks like he needed to get that done quick so he could become "himself."

I hope you'll try to not obsess too much - hard I know.

Take care. ((()))

free2be

Do the math:

XAH + meth/alcoholic"hooch" - recovery = CHAOS

I'm sure even Einstien would agree....

Sorry you are hurting. ((((HUGS))))). Try and believe that no matter what if they are not helping themselves, they're not happy. It's mathematically impossible.

dobiediva

I went through a similar thing after my divorce (he wasn't an addict). He moved on right away and lived a "wonderful single life" immediately after our divorce. He got to live in our old neighborhood with our old friends and neighbors. Was able to go out whenever he wanted with whoever he wanted. Meanwhile I had to move back home to my parents' house, had 2 kids to raise by myself and had no social life whatsoever for the first 2 years after our divorce. But ya know what? eventually I got on with my life and I'm really happy now. To hear him talk about his latest "conquest" in all honesty makes me want to throw up. I feel sorry for these girls because they think they're getting this GREAT GUY when in reality they are getting someone who can only love himself, not them. He always find excuses to end the relationships so he can move on to someone new. ("she didn't call me back in time" or "she refused to come over to MY house for a change" stupid trivial things)

Your ex has not changed. I know it hurts that he seems to have changed FOR HER but he really hasn't. And it really doesn't matter because that's not WHO HE IS. You know that. She'll soon find out.

newenglandgirl

Great words of support and wisdom here.
Hang in there Janet...hugs to you sweetie.

lillian

my husband seems to be in recovery, which makes this hard for me to chew through... i can't say he isn't sober, or working his program-not that i really know if he is or isn't, but i really wanted to be part of his recovered life. i really do love him. well, i'll look at the advice i dish out and try to take some of it myself. everything always seems to be so much easier said than done. i definetely need to work on the action part of my program.

MsGolightly

lillian... he seems to be in recovery, or he is?

just a thought... things might not be as bright as you make them out to be?

mazey

Janit, I feel with you. It does hurt. Why we allow ourselves to think they are happy, I don't know. They still are who they were.....
The big picture will soon re-appear for you.

Sunflower

sure it hurts--don't be so hard on yourself--his loss not yours...I kindof understand how you feel...I left my EAH so many years ago--and I worked and worked to raise my son with no contact or any help from him in any way....I just recently found out he is married again(that doesnt bother me) but he has a big beautiful house-a new truck a new car a pool--you name it---in the meantime Iget a chronic illness at 43 and lose everything EVERYTHING--and I worked so hard to provide-I never had time for a social life-or money for new clothes-or evena car at one time and took 2 buses to work everyday for 12 hour shifts at the hospitaIt just doesn't seem fair....in the end his son is an A--I am the one who has had to deal with that....and I even lose control of my body to this illness///I have no life now--no money-no partner (who would want a sick 49 year old woman)All is gone--and he has it all--so sad....

Janitw

Ohhhhh you guys......you are all soooo great ...

I think I will read that book that Cynay suggested...it sounds pretty good. Thanks Cynay.

Lillian - I remember all the things my XAH and I did together and the one thing that I miss the most is my fishing partner..we did everything together even the laundry..lol not for any other reason except we wanted to...I miss the man I married so much. The good man not the drunk one. I know you are hurting too and we can cry together cant we?

Chero - No I wouldn't take him back today...he is truly toxic waste.

ITFM - Thank You - I don't want a rich man unless he is rich in kindness and honesty.

Dollydo - I know he will always lose...he may of gained more property but he also gained some std's along the way.

Denny - I have been getting alot of clarity throughout this whole ordeal but somehow when I hear news like this it all goes right out the window....go figure - just when we think we are making real progress.

Free2Be - I gotta LOVE your math...will you tutor me please?

Dobie - your ex lost one fine woman....I dont have parents for me to move back to but I'm glad that you did...they say when the chips are really down to go back to basics and thats what you did and it gave you the strength that you needed..I am so glad for you...my old friends at least alot of them did turn their back to me and the kids but then those were his drinking buds....and I look back on it now and realize they werent MY friends at all....just his. That hurt when I realized that.

New England Girl- just want to say thank you hun...

I know I have a long way to go and just like the rest of you we all heal in our own good time ....for me to let 22 years go is so hard because of my catholic upbringing but I have no choice and deep down I know this...I just hate to see the bad guys gain in momentum and power.

I heard tonight from the same friend that told me about the property deed that they paid off her 25,000 equity line...she just took it out a year and a half before she met my husband...guess how they accomplished this? Yup - dealing in dope...go figure. I guess my xah 50K a year job still wasnt enough huh?

love ya all,
Janit

mcdo1268

Don't worry, it won't last long.

Janitw

frizzylynn - I am 49 too....and while I was going through this hell I was sick also....I managed to hang onto the home but only by the grace of God..truly it was on a prayer and a wing hun...I am commissioned based employee and as a loan officer in the subprime market the future doesnt look too great for my income....and like you I havent even begun to want to date at all...its way too soon for me even tho he left us in Jul 05. My divorce fell final this past Oct and he remarried 4 days later...till death do they part.. I felt the pain in you post and my heart goes out to you hun...I wish that the children arent as effected as they are...there are sooooo many victims in the whole picture when you really look at it ...hugs to you girl...

Bjen

"I just hate to see the bad guys gain in momentum and power."

Just remember - the more power and momentum- the harder they crash. Freetobe's equation says it all. It's only a matter of time. Truly. I lived it too. So much that reading your story made my heart AND my stomach hurt from the memory. My A and I were engaged and he left me for another. He got a nice house outside of town on a beautiful spot, horses around but not many people, new truck, new son from the outside a perfect life. But 3 years later he was on my step. Got divorce papers on Valentines Day. She dropped him off for work and what he was wearing that day was all he had for a few weeks until the cops made her let him in. She had him followed by a PI and called his PO daily making false reports til finally his PI caught him buying beer and she sent him to jail for 6 months. that was a few years ago, about 5, he still doesn't see his son. It is a matter of time. Don't worry hon, you'll get back on your feet and still be standing when he falls. Don't dwell on how "wonderful" things are for him. They won't stay that way. I'm not saying this just to be mean to him. It is just the way so many stories go for addicts. You will be ok, not only that, you will be BETTER!! We love you.
B

denny57

Well, I'm 49, too - what's that, the magic number? Janitw, it didn't all go out the window, trust me. I know it hurts. A suggestion - can you tell your friends you don't want any more second hand news (even if you do)?