I am slowly going crazy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 4
I am slowly going crazy
Ohmigod, I am literally going crazy! Yesterday I was willing to give the relationship with my addicted fiance another chance. I managed to find an ounce of faith/hope and I was holding on to it tight. I don't want to let this love go!
He was away at his sisters and discussing going into treatment when I made the decision to give it another try and go through with the wedding (which is two months away!).
Then, last night, when we both came back to our apartment - my thoughts completely changed. I felt that there was something up with him and when he left to 'take movies back' I nearly went insane, thinking he was just going to pick-up drugs. He took forever to get home so I was convinced something was wrong. I packed my things and my dog and headed on up to my parents place a 1 in the morning (I tend to end up being in this position quite often). On my way out, he returned to the apartment and looked suspicious as far as I was concerned and I left.
He is trying to get himself into treatment as soon as possible, which would put us both at ease. But now I am sitting here wondering if this relationship is too far gone. I don't know if I can ever trust him again!!!!!!!!!
He was away at his sisters and discussing going into treatment when I made the decision to give it another try and go through with the wedding (which is two months away!).
Then, last night, when we both came back to our apartment - my thoughts completely changed. I felt that there was something up with him and when he left to 'take movies back' I nearly went insane, thinking he was just going to pick-up drugs. He took forever to get home so I was convinced something was wrong. I packed my things and my dog and headed on up to my parents place a 1 in the morning (I tend to end up being in this position quite often). On my way out, he returned to the apartment and looked suspicious as far as I was concerned and I left.
He is trying to get himself into treatment as soon as possible, which would put us both at ease. But now I am sitting here wondering if this relationship is too far gone. I don't know if I can ever trust him again!!!!!!!!!
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
sorry that you are going through this, it is so sad and i know how confused you must feel right now. maybe if you could settle your mind for a minute and take some time and just think. weigh out your options, what do you expect your life to be like living with addiction? what to you want your marriage to be like? i do suggest that you ask yourself some important questions, like do you want kids, and are you will to stay in recovery and focus on you, so as to be prepared for possible relapse?
addiction is a life long thing, and so is recovery for you and for him. its a hard life to live, not saying that he won't stay clean, many people do but relapse is common. i believe some make it and some don't and only god knows who will. i don't want to disencourage you at all, sorry if it sound like it. i'm not. the decision is yours to make and i know that it is not an easy one. maybe you can look at it this way, at least you have 2 more months to decide what you want to do.
i did marry into addiction, it was just hard for me, because my rah chose for almost 21 yrs to either stay active for long periods of time, jail, rehabs, seperations and relapse from time to time. we are back together for now, but i don't have a clue about how long this will last or if it will last.
i think that this is one of those times that you'll have to decide what is best for you to do. its your choice. keeping you and yours in my prayers. i pray that all works out well for ya.
addiction is a life long thing, and so is recovery for you and for him. its a hard life to live, not saying that he won't stay clean, many people do but relapse is common. i believe some make it and some don't and only god knows who will. i don't want to disencourage you at all, sorry if it sound like it. i'm not. the decision is yours to make and i know that it is not an easy one. maybe you can look at it this way, at least you have 2 more months to decide what you want to do.
i did marry into addiction, it was just hard for me, because my rah chose for almost 21 yrs to either stay active for long periods of time, jail, rehabs, seperations and relapse from time to time. we are back together for now, but i don't have a clue about how long this will last or if it will last.
i think that this is one of those times that you'll have to decide what is best for you to do. its your choice. keeping you and yours in my prayers. i pray that all works out well for ya.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Edmonton AB
Posts: 285
It's too soon to tell if the relationship is over. He needs therapy, you need therapy, he needs to be clean, you need to find your self again. You are jumping back and forth with thoughts because your confused as you should be.
Maybe think about holding off on the wedding? Getting married now may be a big mistake.
Things will get better for you no matter which way you look at it. You made a big decision to leave and you found that you owed it to yourself to be healthy again. You wanted so much when you made that first step.
Deep breath my dear, it's day by day. Sometimes minute by minute. There is no rush. He's not going any were, and neither are you. By taking things slowly for the both of you, just may be the best thing to do right now.
(((Big Hugs)))
Maybe think about holding off on the wedding? Getting married now may be a big mistake.
Things will get better for you no matter which way you look at it. You made a big decision to leave and you found that you owed it to yourself to be healthy again. You wanted so much when you made that first step.
Deep breath my dear, it's day by day. Sometimes minute by minute. There is no rush. He's not going any were, and neither are you. By taking things slowly for the both of you, just may be the best thing to do right now.
(((Big Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I couldn't add one ounce of anything to what Mavis just said, so I won't bother
Just sending you hugs, and the deep hope that you will take the time you need (even if it's inconvenient to change things) to make the right decision for yourself.
Take care,
GL
Just sending you hugs, and the deep hope that you will take the time you need (even if it's inconvenient to change things) to make the right decision for yourself.
Take care,
GL
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: on the lake
Posts: 335
this decision is ultimately up to you. i surely havent had any experience with a aw,agf, or addict signifigant other. i can only tell you that my addict is my son. he's 20 and been using since he was 15. up until lately he lived with his mother and i and two brothers. to witness the pain an addict can inflict upon his own parents and siblings is undescribable. the things he has done to his brothers, almost killing one on one of his raging highs. and that was after rehab. if he werent my son i wouldnt be within 10,000 miles of him. again this is not advice to you its just me. i feel im forced by blood to endure the suffering , his as well as his familys. but i know teke is right. it is an uncureable life long disease. it dosent go away ever. the best you can hope for is remission. for me i would like to wake up and for all these last 5 years just to be a nightmare, a bad dream. but i know its not. we will live with it for the rest of his life and the rest of mine. good luck on whatever you decide. rely on your hp to help you do the right thing for you.
take care
lake time
take care
lake time
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: BFE
Posts: 116
Such a crappy situation... if you want to look at it that way.
I try to get out of that mode these days, and try to figure out what God (my personal HP, yours can be whatever you choose) is really trying to tell me from the situation. Is it not to get married? Is it that getting married is a big commitment, and that this is really what "for better or worse" means? Is it that you probably ought to decide if your relationship or your sanity is more important to you?
I don't have the first clue - I'm not the one who gets to decide what God or your HP or the universe is trying to tell you. I simply suggest that you might give yourself a little time to think about it. It sounds really abstract... sometimes really freakin' silly too... but it comes to you if you are in a mindset where you're willing to accept it. Then, when it does... it kind of makes those horrible thoughts jump into perspective.
I remember at the height of my own "insanity"... all I had were questions. The reason, I think, is because I didn't trust myself anymore... sometimes even to make basic decisions... like what to eat for lunch sometimes, even. Much less big decisions... it was incapacitating. I wanted someone else to tell me what to do, because I couldn't follow logic... because I wouldn't. Because for me, logic would have told me that there just wasn't a future for me with a guy who used drugs, who I couldn't trust, and who just plain didn't have his sh** together. I didn't want to hear that... so, since I didn't agree with logic concerning my relationship... I couldn't trust myself to use it in any other situation either.
I always think of the realization I had a while ago that, when I figured that ex-ABF was using... that he was doing something harmful and illegal and just completely disgusting to me - that my reaction was to get into my car and drive toward wherever it was that I suspected these activities were going on. Why? I guess so I could "catch" him and yell at him... I also guess because I always thought that being "right" would make me more sure of myself... would bring me back into touch with reality and logic. It never did... and that's the definition of insanity right there - doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
I didn't leave him after "catching" him so many times, or even after he was arrested... I left him when I was ready. He's actually probably not even using anymore, but now it doesn't matter, because he's still not in recovery and for me, that's not the kind of guy I want to spend my time with... because he doesn't make me feel safe. No one understands why I left him now, and not then. But that's okay. I don't want them to have to feel the things they would have to feel or see the things they would have to see to understand. Because now I trust myself to make the right decisions for me... without having to ask anyone else if it is.
These days, I just try to stick with what's simple - like that driving toward illegal activity and things that are going to rip my heart out is not a good idea. So I don't do it anymore. It is what it is.
I have no idea what your HP is telling you here - it could be a million things. But I highly suspect that He (or She) is telling you something.
Ever been to an Alanon or Naranon meeting? Couldn't hurt... might really help.
HUGS tonight.
I try to get out of that mode these days, and try to figure out what God (my personal HP, yours can be whatever you choose) is really trying to tell me from the situation. Is it not to get married? Is it that getting married is a big commitment, and that this is really what "for better or worse" means? Is it that you probably ought to decide if your relationship or your sanity is more important to you?
I don't have the first clue - I'm not the one who gets to decide what God or your HP or the universe is trying to tell you. I simply suggest that you might give yourself a little time to think about it. It sounds really abstract... sometimes really freakin' silly too... but it comes to you if you are in a mindset where you're willing to accept it. Then, when it does... it kind of makes those horrible thoughts jump into perspective.
I remember at the height of my own "insanity"... all I had were questions. The reason, I think, is because I didn't trust myself anymore... sometimes even to make basic decisions... like what to eat for lunch sometimes, even. Much less big decisions... it was incapacitating. I wanted someone else to tell me what to do, because I couldn't follow logic... because I wouldn't. Because for me, logic would have told me that there just wasn't a future for me with a guy who used drugs, who I couldn't trust, and who just plain didn't have his sh** together. I didn't want to hear that... so, since I didn't agree with logic concerning my relationship... I couldn't trust myself to use it in any other situation either.
I always think of the realization I had a while ago that, when I figured that ex-ABF was using... that he was doing something harmful and illegal and just completely disgusting to me - that my reaction was to get into my car and drive toward wherever it was that I suspected these activities were going on. Why? I guess so I could "catch" him and yell at him... I also guess because I always thought that being "right" would make me more sure of myself... would bring me back into touch with reality and logic. It never did... and that's the definition of insanity right there - doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
I didn't leave him after "catching" him so many times, or even after he was arrested... I left him when I was ready. He's actually probably not even using anymore, but now it doesn't matter, because he's still not in recovery and for me, that's not the kind of guy I want to spend my time with... because he doesn't make me feel safe. No one understands why I left him now, and not then. But that's okay. I don't want them to have to feel the things they would have to feel or see the things they would have to see to understand. Because now I trust myself to make the right decisions for me... without having to ask anyone else if it is.
These days, I just try to stick with what's simple - like that driving toward illegal activity and things that are going to rip my heart out is not a good idea. So I don't do it anymore. It is what it is.
I have no idea what your HP is telling you here - it could be a million things. But I highly suspect that He (or She) is telling you something.
Ever been to an Alanon or Naranon meeting? Couldn't hurt... might really help.
HUGS tonight.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewher
Posts: 259
its ahard decisoin.. not easy one.. imarried and addict too,, its ahrd wy,,not easy.. always up and down ,never knowing what will happen in one hour.....
not easy at all.. but thre is lots of joy too,, becousean adict is a peron behind all the drugs,, jsut like any other person...... so its up to u to choose...
but ithink first u have to see,, does he want to change,, is he wiilingto do what it takes to go to reahb?,, to goto meetings,,..when i married my husband he told me something i will never forget
he told me i love you too much,, more than myslef, but becouse im an addict i know how life will be for you,, i dont want to hurtyou,, i want you to be happy,, you have to leave me and go becouse ilove you too much to hurt you... i remeber the tears and happines when he said it,, but itold him never to talk about it becouse im not leaving him..and we married. we love each other alot
but life is not easy..but sometimes its such heaven,, becouse i think wehn addicts are clean hey try to compensate themself and you for the pain making everything in pink.. thegood days
some days are so hard ,, like hell..
so before you commit you have to know,, the truth,, there is lots of happines lots of sadness,,, so when you get into it know the both sides of living with an adictt.
GOD bles u
not easy at all.. but thre is lots of joy too,, becousean adict is a peron behind all the drugs,, jsut like any other person...... so its up to u to choose...
but ithink first u have to see,, does he want to change,, is he wiilingto do what it takes to go to reahb?,, to goto meetings,,..when i married my husband he told me something i will never forget
he told me i love you too much,, more than myslef, but becouse im an addict i know how life will be for you,, i dont want to hurtyou,, i want you to be happy,, you have to leave me and go becouse ilove you too much to hurt you... i remeber the tears and happines when he said it,, but itold him never to talk about it becouse im not leaving him..and we married. we love each other alot
but life is not easy..but sometimes its such heaven,, becouse i think wehn addicts are clean hey try to compensate themself and you for the pain making everything in pink.. thegood days
some days are so hard ,, like hell..
so before you commit you have to know,, the truth,, there is lots of happines lots of sadness,,, so when you get into it know the both sides of living with an adictt.
GOD bles u
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
What harm is there in waiting a year? If you think of the future as another 60 or more years together, does ONE make that much difference?
Waiting can bring clarity. It sounds like you could use some.
Many addicts can pull together a few months of sobriety using just grit and panic. Just as we anons can pull together, out of thin air, something that LOOKS like trust.... but time can be the real test of recovery - both mine and the addict's.
Take your time... there is no hurry. I wish you the best.
Waiting can bring clarity. It sounds like you could use some.
Many addicts can pull together a few months of sobriety using just grit and panic. Just as we anons can pull together, out of thin air, something that LOOKS like trust.... but time can be the real test of recovery - both mine and the addict's.
Take your time... there is no hurry. I wish you the best.
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