Hi all - I'm new
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: UK - North West
Posts: 17
Hi all - I'm new
Hi everyone, my names Andy. I came across this forum yesterday, what a great site.
It's good to be here. I guess my pattern is binge drinking, I was a black out drinker from the moment I first touched a drink, genetic or not I don't know, I just loved it. I've heard people say that alcoholics drink to feel normal and well that's me to a tee.
It's been several years since I went to a meeting so this is the first time I've shared anything like this for some time. I seem to have a history of bouncing in and out of AA. I went to my first meeting when I was 17, next time around it was at University and I was 20. The last time was time was in my mid twenties and I stayed sober for 9 months before I convincing myself that the rooms and the programme weren't for me. I was different you see, sure I had a few problems with alcohol but nothing that serious. I wasn't one of you, didn't want to be one of you.
Now I'm back exactly where I was when I left off. I feel like I've been kidding myself, and really thought I had it under control but I think the jokes been on me. My personality when I drink becomes subtly(and then not so subtly) sqewered, a real Dr and Jeykell case or sometimes just a rambelling, incoherant, ****** up mess.
The crazy thing to me is that I've been down this road before, I know where it leads - which for me is madness and death and yet after everything I've done, with all the hospitalisations, arrests, DUI's, the shame and the utter horror that right now I absolutely know awaits me if I pick up the drink, in a day or two or a week I'm going to forget all of it. I'm going to forget the way I feeling right now and I'm going to convince my self that this last, just like the other last times was a mistake, a one off, that I'm not one of you. That little voice in the back of my head is going to convince me a I'm fine, simply acting up to an alcoholic label I give myself.
This weekend was the final straw for me, I embarressed myself in front of family some very old and dear friends, I could have been hurt or seriously injured and yet already the shame I felt, the fear at my actions is starting to fade, soon it'll be gone.
I'm not drinking now, I don't think I'm going to drink tomorrow. I know I need to just stop thinking about things and get to a meeting. Sorry if I'm venting my spleen a bit it really is great to find this place and you all, I guess I'm just angry that I had to.
It's good to be here. I guess my pattern is binge drinking, I was a black out drinker from the moment I first touched a drink, genetic or not I don't know, I just loved it. I've heard people say that alcoholics drink to feel normal and well that's me to a tee.
It's been several years since I went to a meeting so this is the first time I've shared anything like this for some time. I seem to have a history of bouncing in and out of AA. I went to my first meeting when I was 17, next time around it was at University and I was 20. The last time was time was in my mid twenties and I stayed sober for 9 months before I convincing myself that the rooms and the programme weren't for me. I was different you see, sure I had a few problems with alcohol but nothing that serious. I wasn't one of you, didn't want to be one of you.
Now I'm back exactly where I was when I left off. I feel like I've been kidding myself, and really thought I had it under control but I think the jokes been on me. My personality when I drink becomes subtly(and then not so subtly) sqewered, a real Dr and Jeykell case or sometimes just a rambelling, incoherant, ****** up mess.
The crazy thing to me is that I've been down this road before, I know where it leads - which for me is madness and death and yet after everything I've done, with all the hospitalisations, arrests, DUI's, the shame and the utter horror that right now I absolutely know awaits me if I pick up the drink, in a day or two or a week I'm going to forget all of it. I'm going to forget the way I feeling right now and I'm going to convince my self that this last, just like the other last times was a mistake, a one off, that I'm not one of you. That little voice in the back of my head is going to convince me a I'm fine, simply acting up to an alcoholic label I give myself.
This weekend was the final straw for me, I embarressed myself in front of family some very old and dear friends, I could have been hurt or seriously injured and yet already the shame I felt, the fear at my actions is starting to fade, soon it'll be gone.
I'm not drinking now, I don't think I'm going to drink tomorrow. I know I need to just stop thinking about things and get to a meeting. Sorry if I'm venting my spleen a bit it really is great to find this place and you all, I guess I'm just angry that I had to.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: north of Boston
Posts: 130
Andy,
If you visit this site daily, it will really help! I notice that when I DON'T visit, things can go down hill. I've never been to AA, but this is place works well for me. Good luck and WELCOME!
Love, Kit
If you visit this site daily, it will really help! I notice that when I DON'T visit, things can go down hill. I've never been to AA, but this is place works well for me. Good luck and WELCOME!
Love, Kit
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: UK - North West
Posts: 17
Guy's thank you for the response, and Kit sorry no reply I went off line - it was getting pretty late this side of the water. What a great place I really do feel lucky to have found you.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Hi Andy...
Here is my suggestion...find info on the disease of alcoholism.
My favorite resource on alcoholism is
"Under The Influence"
and it has a sequel..."Beyond The Influence"
Both can be ordered from Amazon.
We also have excerpts from "Under"
Please click
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
Take care and I'm glad you found us!
Here is my suggestion...find info on the disease of alcoholism.
My favorite resource on alcoholism is
"Under The Influence"
and it has a sequel..."Beyond The Influence"
Both can be ordered from Amazon.
We also have excerpts from "Under"
Please click
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
Take care and I'm glad you found us!
Ha Ha, charade you are!
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Tallahassee FL
Posts: 164
HI Andy
I just happened on this site too-was wandering around looking for support on my first day sober in a long while (Feb. 22nd). Your story could be any one of ours!
We've got a great group of folks here-use us!
I hope you can stay strong, there's always some one awake here-lots of people from "across the pond" and other places too-I race home to see whats posted, have not watched the TV in a long time. This is so much more amusing and helpful!
Try meetings again-(they are my safety net). If I have a desire to drink, sitting for an hour or so with other like minded people will help me get past it.
Find a group that you resonate with-it can really help.
Take care of yourself-and keep coming back!
Melissa
I just happened on this site too-was wandering around looking for support on my first day sober in a long while (Feb. 22nd). Your story could be any one of ours!
We've got a great group of folks here-use us!
I hope you can stay strong, there's always some one awake here-lots of people from "across the pond" and other places too-I race home to see whats posted, have not watched the TV in a long time. This is so much more amusing and helpful!
Try meetings again-(they are my safety net). If I have a desire to drink, sitting for an hour or so with other like minded people will help me get past it.
Find a group that you resonate with-it can really help.
Take care of yourself-and keep coming back!
Melissa
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: my room in ct.
Posts: 58,110
andy, welcome to the board...
online is great, aint nothing like a good old face to face to keep it real real...
look someone in the eye, and then ya know the deal...
surender or bust, maybe busted too...lol
good wishes andy
xxoo, rz
online is great, aint nothing like a good old face to face to keep it real real...
look someone in the eye, and then ya know the deal...
surender or bust, maybe busted too...lol
good wishes andy
xxoo, rz
Rock-chalk-jayhawk..
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: kansas
Posts: 170
hello andy and welcome... like all of the above said this place is def where you wanna be. they have helped me out so much. i too find myself reading all the messages as the day lingers. it really helps me and i hope it works for you too. nice to meet you... jason
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