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the other side.....

Old 03-18-2007, 11:35 PM
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the other side.....

this is not a topic typical to newcomers.........i could have posted it on the grief forum, but i wanted to reach more people......and i apologise in advance for the length of this post......if you don't have 5 minutes to read it, i won't be offended........but i had to say these things........and i needed someone to hear me.....

my mother is dead......she has been gone for nine months.......

while she was sick i was fine......i was strong and capable and i cared for her, our home(which had to be hospital sanitary due to her chemo) she had lung cancer......she did not once get a cold in spite of her lowered immune system and three children in the house.......her medications, all 27 or so of them, were given to her at the exact time and iin the exact order as they were prescribed.........she never spoke to her doctors, filled out paper work, worried about a bill, set an appointment, or fixed a meal.......i took care of her and everything else........i sat down with my son and helped him with his homework each night.....read books to my children, and cooked 6 meals a day......three for my children and three for my mother, who was unable to eat the same foods as the kids......i visited the hospital emergency room more times than i can count, and politely endured condescending doctors who made snide comments about the marijuana and alcohol they found in my mothers system, while my mother lay beside me with her sodium depleted so low, that she no longer knew my name......she couldn't speak, and she wore a small, terrified smile.......she knew what was happening around her, but she was trapped inside of herself........i sat by her side for 2 days straight while she wore that same smile after the doctors sent her home, saying that she was drunk and high and that was her only problem......she did not eat.....she did not go to the bathroom, and she did not speak.......i didn't sleep for those 2 days, and i finally outed my mother as an alcoholic to her doctors and had her placed in a nursing home for a month and a half........

those are just some of the things i went through during the 11 months she was ill.......

but there was joy.....and a peace i can not explain......except to say that it was divine........i cherished each moment with her.......watching her put makeup on my little girl........read a book to aidan......laugh at something chase said.....smile at me......hug my husband....watching her sleep like i do my own children.......our roles had reversed and i was the mother and she was my child......and i felt a mother's love for her.........we laughed and i sang to her when she was in pain.......which, blessedly was not often at all, until the final two weeks of her life........i did not mourn her.......i did not accept that she was dying.....i refused to give up hope.......and so did she........we were mother and daughter, sisters, friends........we gave each other strength............we talked.......we said all of the things we needed to say.........and sometimes we sat in silence, just happy that we were together.........

and then she stopped eating........and got very ill, very fast........one day she was strong and miraclusly healthy.....and two weeks later she was gone.....it all happened so quickly, which i see as a gift........she truly did not suffer like you would think someone with a terminal disease would......

she died, and i was fine.......i made arrangements for her cremation and her memorial service........i dealt with her insurance company.........i entertained my entire family here in my home, but, blessedly my family is full of women.....and a scattering of fantastic men......and they all pulled together and relived much of my burden......and my husband was my strength.....and i was still fine........we had a party for her which is what she had wanted, and i left with my brothers and their friends, who are like brothers to me, to go sing......and i felt so proud walking in the place with all of my favorite men dressed in suits and looking so hansome.......and i while my close friend kyle played guitar, i sang for my mother.........

it took two months for grief find me.......and when it did, i was not fine anymore.......i was high all of the time.....my house was a wreck, my family miserable and my marriage falling apart........i was completely isolated, wrapped in a cocoon of drugs and grief.........i did not sleep, i didn't eat.....i drank my mothers ensure, sometimes i felt i was suffocating.......

i did not feel her with me........where her love for me had been there was only a void......a terrible emptiness........she was truly gone from me and i was losing my mind.......i felt very much as if i would never recover.....that it could never get better........and if one more person told me she was in a better place and always lived in my heart i was going to bash them in the head with a frying pan.........i heard at least 10 times a day that time would make it better, that i needed to move on, be strong for my family, pray for peace and remember the good things........and i wanted to tell them all to pi$$ off.......that their mothers were still breathing and they had not an inkling of what i was going through........i wanted to tell them to get out of my life and ask them where the hell they were when i didn't leave the house for three months because i could not leave my mother alone, she was not strong enough to function on her own........i wanted to tell them all to get out of my life, i didn't need their sympathy.......didn't want it.......and that they made me sick for abandoning my mother while she was ill.......and for leaving me alone to take care of her all by myself.........i hated them and their sympathetic, sorrowful looks they gave me.........and i thought sympathy cards, which arrived for months after her death were the lowest form of cruelity.......a beautiful card that said 'guess what? your mother is DEAD and you couldn't save her, all of your prayers and hope were worthless, because your mother is DEAD..."

i posted on sr my story, and my dear friend scootin babe sent me a private message that said the only way through grief is to face it head on, feel it, and someday i would come out on the other side.......and i felt a small amount of hope at her words........

so i faced my grief.....i got clean......and i felt it for many terrible months.......

but i am here to tell you that there is, in fact another side of grief.........where grief is an ache instead of an all consuming pain.....where i can smile and not think that i shouldn't smile because my mother is dead.......where i can feel her love for me......where i can think of her and smile at how ditzy she was and all of the funny things she said......where i can tell my children the stories she told me over and over again......of her life and my childhood......where i can love my mother and know for certain that she is still with me.......she is an impershible part of me......

there is another side of grief.....and my friend was right......if you face it, feel it and allow yourself to live it......you will come out.......you are a new person.....scarred and wary........but you are a little freer, and very much wiser........you are a woman without a mother......and you are still not fine....your house may still be a wreck and your children just a little out of control.......dinner may come out of a box and you may not be sleeping well yet......your marriage may be healing slowly, or not at all........but you are still alive.....you are still here.....you have survived.........
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Old 03-19-2007, 12:20 AM
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Thank you ayla.
I have this on my page for my grandfather.
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Old 03-19-2007, 12:37 AM
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Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
 
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Thank you for sharing so powerfully
your personal song of a strong survivor.

Blessings
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Old 03-19-2007, 03:48 AM
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Ayla...

I joined this forum tonight... I posted "Trying something new.." because I have been in recovery a long time, relapsed and have been searching hopelessly for a way to deal with the things that I am going through. I, too, will apologize in advance because I feel this may be a very long post and hope that at least you will take the time to read and maybe even respond... because I belive that my higher power brought me to this palce to find you...
You see, my mom has cancer... and is an alcoholic...

There is so much I have inside about this, I do not know where to start... Even as I sit here with the sole purpose of telling all this to you... I am frozen... I want to quit and delete this response... I don't want to face it, yet I read your words and it;s all right here... big and ugly and scary and the tears are rolling down my cheeks...

My mother is an alcoholic... I got clean and sober and she got drunk... during my addiction, she took care of my daughter, who is an insulin dependant diabetic. My mom took care of me... she enabled me... she literally was loving me to death... but eventually I went to treatment and got clean... and she got drunk... The difference in our addictions is- when I was getting high I hid from everyone... I didn't come home, would be gone for days, weeks, at a time... and my parents took care of my daughter... my mother gets drunk and is abusive, verbally, physically and mentally... for the past 6 years it has been very dysfunctional... I have put her in jail twice for assualt... tried to limit the contact she had with my girls because of her drinking, but I felt guilty and couldn't keep the boundaries in place... which has led to more guilt... anyways... last October (two weeks after I got married) my husbands grandfather died... we went to his home to be with the family and shortly after arriving I got a phone call that my mom was on her way to the hospital in an ambulance...

She had a seizure at work... I immediately thought it was DT's and told the doctor about her drinking problem... they ran their tests... and a CT scan... I told the doctor not to ******** me... that I needed the truth and not a rose-colored pictured to spare my feelings... I really thought it was because she's a drunk... but they found two tumors in her brain... cancer... the doctors found that she had brain and lung cancer (she only has one lung)... What the hell was going on? I did what you did... I paid the bills, took care of my mom, my dad, my kids my husband... all the while trying to be supportive to his family... who was planning a funeral... I was at the hospital overseeing everyhting because my dad (stepdad... who is 30 years older than my mom) has Alzhemier's and gets very confused and didn't understand what was going on... I am the power of attorney who is basically responsible for every fricken detail... from medical to financial to explaining to my kids that gramma was going to be ok... despite not knowing if I was telling the truth or not.... I called my sponsor and tried to share with her... but she had no experience in this matter and honestly didn't know how to help.... so I did the only thing I knew how to do... I cowboyed up... I didn't need help because I was ok... I had it all under control. I didn't cry. I didn't talk about much... just the facts.... I made the phone calls, coordinated the schedules and waited...

They removed the tumors from my mother's brian in two seperate surgeries, three days apart... They shaved her head and cut into her skull, leaving two very large Frankinstein scars. And they ran tests, lots and lots of tests... I did manage to get them to medically detox her from alcohol... and then they sent her home.

I spoke to her many times while she was in the hospital about the treatment she needed and that she needed to not drink alcohol... that she was no longer "physically dependent" and could stay sober... She said she would... until she got home and had a few... then told me that she was under alot of stress and needed it... Had she lost her damned mind... We got into a big fight.. I yelled at her, demanding to know why the hell did she have brain surgery and going to chemotherapy if she wAs just gonna drink herself to death... I told her she was wasting everyone's f@#$ing time... That was the first of November... She has been drunk eveyday since then... my dad is drinking uncontrollably too. They fight all the time... She has threatened everything from divorce to suicide, she's wrecked the car while driving drunk and when I went to pick her up from the store where whe worked... she was yelling at me that she was going to kill herself... I was scared and humilated. I called my sister for help... but she told me that people who wanted to kill themselves didn't tell anyone, they just did it... and that mom needed to sleep it off. There are so many examples I could give, but I imagine you get the picture...

I did the only thing I know how to do... I got high... I got really high... I stole her pain medication... I told myself that it was ok because she wouldn't take it anyways... (she doesn't like the way it made her feel)... and I got gone... I quit going over there... quit going to the appointments... when I do have to go by her house, I am in and out, 5 minutes tops... She calls, I answer... she cries... her manipulative, self pity, guilt filled speeches and I listen... I cannot or will not hang up when she is crying... can't or won't... is there a difference. I have avoided my mom for the past 3-4 months... she's bald and sick... her face is swelling becuase of all the booze... looking at her makes me sick... hearing her makes me want to crawl into a deep hole and hide... I feel horrible all of the time... because the truth is I wish she would die... and not have to be sad and miserable and in pain anymore... and as selfish as I can be... I won't be sad, miserable and in pain anymore... God, please forgive me for that... What an ugly reality... I have been avoiding all of these thoughts and feelings for a long time now... I got clean again 28 days ago...

My mom called last week to tell me that they said the chemo isn't working... that the options were radiation... which would happen everyday for six months... and could kill her... or jsut letting the cancer grow back and kill her... She says that it would be better if she'd just die... and I didn't know what to say... I don't know what to do... I went to a meeting...

A friend of mine told me that I needed to spend as much time with my mom as possible because if I didn't I would regret it... but I can't... I went over to her house twice last week... both times she was drunk... and her voice made my skin crawl... the way she talks while drinking makes me sick... I can't even pretend to care about what she is saying. I just get so irritated.. it ruins my entire day... I can't shake it... I am upset for days afterwards... so ikt has become easier to avoid her as much as possible... which makes me feel bad too.. because I keep thinking that she may die and this will be what I have to remember... my mother as an obnoxious, abusive, sarcastic lush that made my skin crawl... and I will spend the rest of my life beating myself up with the thigns I could have done, should have done...

I don't know if this made any sense to you... I don't know if it makes sense to me... all I know is I am in a lot of pain... I am angry, confused, scared and feel very hopeless... and I am hoping to find a way to deal with my life in a healthy manner... I need help, but don;t know where to go, what to do, or even if there is an answer to my problems... I do love my mom... but the woman I have been talking about is not my mother... she's not the one I miss terribly... the one I long to talk to... to hug... the truth is my mother died the minute she picied up that bottle... and I haven;t seen her since... now I just have this bald drunk lady wearing my mothers skin and clothes... and I hate her...
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Old 03-19-2007, 06:23 AM
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i feel your pain and your anger......i know how you feel, my mother and my relationship was different than yours is for a long time......but i did have a terrible, cold and practically non existant relationship with her when i was younger.......

you can not change her, even now....and you can not save her.....

my mothers oncologist called me when she died and asked me if i was ok.....he said that death of a horribly ill loved one is often a relief to the family, which can cause an incredible amount of guilt and shame....but it is normal........it is normal to hate the alcoholic that you used to love because of the abuse and pain they have put you through.........my mother was abusive to my father, but to us, she was neglectful....i did not see her at all for 3 years because i could not handle the humiliation of having a drunk mother......

i managed to forgive my mother, but it was after she was sober......she had 2 years, and i'm not sure i consider her drinking while she was ill a relapse, because she was not mentally capable of making a choice on her own at the time........

you know, the brain tumors could have had something to do with your mother's personality changing so dramatically......she could have had them for a long time......although, it may well be just the alcohol........

there is a forum here for adult children of alcoholics......just because we are grown does not mean that we are not profoundly affected by their drinking.....

you may regret not spending time with your mother.......but i can honestly say that there are not many who would endure abuse in order to make memories......it would just be more trauma for both of you on top of what you are already dealing with.......i can't see a lot of smiles or happy memories being made........

our mothers are alike in many ways......my mothers fiance' was 25 yrs. older than her, and this is hitting him hard....she has been gone over 9 months and he is still lost.....

my advice to you would be to get yourself to alanon......find yourself a sponsor there, also....one who will understand your situation.......

when we drink or otherwise abuse our bodies, we die, eventually from that abuse......your mother has lung cancer, so it may happen faster, but the result is the same....she is gone, and you are left with your guilt and your grief.....

there is nothing you can do for her.....you can't change her, you can't save her and you can't help her at all, unless she wants to help herself........that is a universal fact of people who love addicts, which i'm sure you know very well..........

take a step back and look at the whole picture.....you have an abusive mother...she happens to be sick.......but you did not make her sick, and you did all you could for her..........she is beyond your reach now.........you can not help her......so start helping yourself...........

go to alanon, so you can learn to forgive and let go of that hate.........you will not only learn to forgive her, but yourself......we forgive not for the addict in our lives, but for ourselves........so that we can move on and grow....

you know there is nothing you can do for her.....you are incredibly brave to post this, and i'm sure it was a little healing just to let it out.......please call and find out about alanon meetings in your area.......you can start your own recovery and realise you are powerless in this situation, and you are doing the only thing you can do for your own sanity............

thank you for your response......it was brave and brutally honest, and that is an amazing way to start my day..........we don't have to love an abusive parent just because they are ill......although i know you love the woman she was.......you are right, she is gone........and may be for good, that is why i hope you find some help for yourself.....the sort of guilt you are feeling serves no purpose in your live but to hold you back.......it is ok to regret......but guilt is toxic, and useless........you can make it through this.....i did, and we are the same...........i'm very touched that you found this site, and my post the very night i posted it..........divine intervention is the only explanation.......

please don't hesitate to pm me if you need anything......i'm here often, and it will help you very much to talk to someone who understands....

ayla
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Old 03-19-2007, 07:38 AM
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Ayla
Thank you for sharing, I know a lot of people will relate to this.
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Old 03-19-2007, 07:50 AM
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Ayla,

As I read your post, tears started to blur my vision.

Thank you for sharing your story. I have been where you were, and I didn't weather the storm as well as you..

You are so right about the cards, people saying things such as, "He, She, is in a better place." When someone is in the grief process, the last thing they want to hear is a better place...

I have learned Ayla, that most of these people mean well. They are uncomfortable as to how to comfort you.

It sounds like you have experienced the five stages of grief, and as difficult as it was you have become a stronger person.

Thanks for sharing......
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Old 03-19-2007, 07:57 AM
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Thank you. My grandmother is very ill, we are very close...and i appreciate your words.
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Old 03-19-2007, 08:25 AM
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Flutter,
Ayla is right. You cannot change her. God, I can't even imagine how much it must hurt watching all of this unfold. My heart goes out to you.

On the flip side, my heart also goes out to your mom. Facing death is loneliest feeling in the world. I've been there. I had cancer and seeing the tears roll down my surgeons face told me that things didnt look so good for me. I drank those scary feelings away everyday. Sometimes I would be sitting there drunk while they pumped chemo into my veins and cried. I cursed God for letting this happen to me. It wasn't fair. Why quit drinking when I'm going to die anyway?
This is so hard to explain. I haven't HAD any real feeling in so long, let alone try to explain them!

The serenity prayer says a lot in this situation.....

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

I can see both sides. I can sympathize with your pain, but I can empathize with your moms pain. I hope that you will come to realize that you CAN'T change the fact that things dont look too good for her. But you CAN change your perspective on things if you try to see things through her eyes. You will never TRULY be able to see things through her eyes until your time comes, but you can try. If she makes it through, and survives cancer, THEN I can completely understand where you are coming from.
This is a tough situation for you & her both. MY advice (39 days sober so take it or leave it) would be to try and spend as much time around her as you can when she isn't completely plastered. Mornings? Bring by some breakfast and special coffee, and spend time with her when she can absorb what you are saying. I will pray that you can let go of this resentment and give it to god.

Be strong, and be true to yourself. This isnt going to last forever, so try to make the best of it while you can.
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Old 03-19-2007, 08:34 AM
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i need to thank all of my friends here on this board....the moms, and everyone else who has been here for me through my grief, my insanity and my wacky humor.....if it weren't for each and every one of you, i would still be lost.....

thank you and i love you all....

ayla
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Old 03-19-2007, 08:37 AM
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Well I for one absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE your wacky humor!!
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Old 03-19-2007, 08:37 AM
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flutter, for your honest post i wanted to say....


and send you....
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Old 03-19-2007, 08:39 AM
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thanks, tj.......
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Old 03-19-2007, 09:15 AM
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flutter, you are not the only one by far. My mother is an addict and she is dying of emphysema. You mentioned stealing your moms pills, oh do I remember seeing my mother and getting plastered on my pills when I got home. She was just too stressful. I finally had to make the best decision for me, and that was my "mean" mother was not changing and I would not get enough 'good' memories to justify the bad in this part of her life. I changed my phone number (she manipulates me on the phone as well), wrote her a nice letter letting her know I'd love to stay in contact via post (and what do you know, she still hasn't written to the daughter she supposdily just loves) and I let things be.

I don't know if this made any sense to you... I don't know if it makes sense to me... all I know is I am in a lot of pain... I am angry, confused, scared and feel very hopeless... and I am hoping to find a way to deal with my life in a healthy manner... I need help, but don;t know where to go, what to do, or even if there is an answer to my problems... I do love my mom... but the woman I have been talking about is not my mother... she's not the one I miss terribly... the one I long to talk to... to hug... the truth is my mother died the minute she picied up that bottle... and I haven;t seen her since... now I just have this bald drunk lady wearing my mothers skin and clothes... and I hate her...
Feel free to private message me anytime. It sounds like we are in very similar places.
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Old 03-19-2007, 09:27 AM
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i didn't need to steal my mom's pills, she gave them to me...she had loads of them.........but i would have.........
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Old 03-19-2007, 09:46 AM
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ayla,
Thank you for sharing with us. Our pain reaches out to others and when we identify ourselves with each other by common experience we gain strength. I remember well when I did all the same things to take care of my dad and then 6 years later- mom and finally my aunt 9 years after that. I managed and cared for and arranged so much that I didn't have time or room in my brain or heart to feel the pain.
A very good friend of mine showed me with her hand a way to describe this experience- which she felt as well when her father passed away. You can't see me, but you can visualize a clenched fist....closed tight. Once the grip is released, the blood begins to flow again and the pain is felt as what was once so tightly closed begins to live again. Slowly the blood flow returns and that hand gets back to normal is able to be used again.
Many of us just have to get the job done and we feel it and then sort of fall apart later. The good thing about recovery is that we can learn to take care of ourselves when this happens.



flutter,
I started to write you a response...but everything I was going to say to you- the others have already said.
I'm hoping you will keep coming here and share what you need to- there is help for you. You are on a good path for your own recovery. What you are facing is soooo difficult and hard to imagine unless one has experienced it- yet I have hope for you to find your way and be strong enough to make it through. Your story has touched my heart and I will keep you in my thoughts and my prayers. Please keep coming back.
hugs,
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Old 03-19-2007, 03:49 PM
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cmc, thank you.....
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Old 03-19-2007, 04:01 PM
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I don't know what to say, I cried my way thorugh the posts.......SRH
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Old 03-19-2007, 05:43 PM
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oh ****{ayla}} you are such a wonderful person in my life. you help me and so many others.

i can relate to so much of what you all have written. it's now been over 6 years that my mom has been gone. my grief has changed over time. the first two years were the most emotional...really wish i had her during the third year when dh and i had our big marital crisis (which you alone, ayla, on SR know about). really really wish i had her then.

i also realize how much i had her on a pedestal too. she was also human and struggled with so much of life (although she'd never admit it to me). my mother had control issues but no addiction that i know of. but she was far from perfect. but she was my best friend. amazingly.

for those of you who have parents with addictions--get to alanon. yes--or at least read about it. they say: love the person/hate the disease. i haven't had to deal with it myself, but seeing the damage that i have inflicted on my loved ones, i can only imagine the type of emotional ordeal you all are going through.

flutter--i repeat, love the person/hate the disease. tell her that. write it to her if you need to, but let her know that you want to spend time with her, but only when she's not drinking. make as much peace while you can so that when she dies, you will be confident knowing that you covered your side of the relationship, you made the effort--but define your boundaries. let her know them, and hold to them. you need to keep your own sanity too. but don't hate her, hate this d@mn addiction that kills the people we are/know and replaces them with a shell of former self. here's a crazy idea: make a memory box for your mom. ask relatives and friends to write down their favorite memory of your mom. then have her read them. then, when she's gone, you'll have that. it may give you comfort. just an idea....use it as a springboard to finding your way. try to focus on the good times and the family memories. share this with her. love the scared child that still lives within her. and love the scared and angry child within yourself too.

ayla--i'm glad that my words about facing the grief--walking into and through it--helped you. it's such a gift to have someone tell you that you have helped them! thank you ******{misti}}}} i have seen such grace and dignity and strength in people that i know when they move through tragedies with eyes open and shoulders squared. it's when you hide from it, or try to push those feelings down, that it comes back to you in unhealthy ways.

the other thing that i have learned is that people really do learn from your example. you personally may not know the reason why you have to suffer the way you do--you know, the "why is God doing this to me?" question--but it may not be so that you learn from it, it may be that others do. i had people i didn't even know come up to me and comment to me how much i inspired them while i was caregiver to my parents. i also perspnally witnessed strangers who were positively affected by my parent's strength and love during an incredibly wrenching fatal illness. you may never know why. but the goal is to find the way how.

hugs to all,
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Old 03-19-2007, 05:58 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
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ohmigod, i forgot to mention that i watched a special on the Amish schoolhouse killings on some cable channel the other day. Talk about having power in your grief....whoa.

About 75 people from the Amish community showed up at the funeral of the man who shot the young schoolgirls. They prayed for him and for his widow. It seems like they try to rid themselves of resentments as quickly as possible and hold to "it's God's way." Put that in a 12-step program and smoke it. It works right with, it doesn't it?

My dear friend who lost her 4-year-old son in a tragic accident is a strong Quaker and her faith was amazing then and now. Just amazing.

It's the anger and the resentments that kill us--those who are left in the destruction. Don't feed them.
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