Loosing him to his Recovery
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Pleasant Hill, CA
Posts: 1
Loosing him to his Recovery
Hello! I have been reading here for a few weeks now and I find it incredibly helpful and I thank you all. I find myself now needing some questions answered. My husband and I have been married for 11 years and have 2 kids. He has had a drinking problem for 10 years and the last 5 have been terrible. About 3 weeks ago he decided that he had finally better seek help and entered a detox program. He then entered a 28 day outpatient program where he goes all day and comes home at night. He also attends 3-4 AA meetings a week as well at night. He is about half way through the program and doing very well.
The issue for me now is that now I feel that I am loosing him to recovery. He comes home at the end of the day and we have nothing to talk about. I ask him about his day and he tells me a litte bit but not much. He always seems so down and sullen, almost depressed. He says he is just tired. The other night I asked him what was going on as I haven't seen him laugh or be happy or get excited about anything since this all started. He said that he laughs alot in his classes and meetings and has a good time there and really didn't have an answer for his time at home.
I feel like an outsider that has nothing in common with him. I feel like his whole life now is his meetings and his friends there. He has had no desire to be close or intimate with me at all. We barely talk anymore and we used to talk all the time and be so close. Now I feel that we live miles apart. I feel so sad and don't know what to do. I don't know if I should tell him how I feel or wait until he is farther in his recovery. I just want us to be close again.
The issue for me now is that now I feel that I am loosing him to recovery. He comes home at the end of the day and we have nothing to talk about. I ask him about his day and he tells me a litte bit but not much. He always seems so down and sullen, almost depressed. He says he is just tired. The other night I asked him what was going on as I haven't seen him laugh or be happy or get excited about anything since this all started. He said that he laughs alot in his classes and meetings and has a good time there and really didn't have an answer for his time at home.
I feel like an outsider that has nothing in common with him. I feel like his whole life now is his meetings and his friends there. He has had no desire to be close or intimate with me at all. We barely talk anymore and we used to talk all the time and be so close. Now I feel that we live miles apart. I feel so sad and don't know what to do. I don't know if I should tell him how I feel or wait until he is farther in his recovery. I just want us to be close again.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
It is going to take a long time for him to get through this--you need to be patient.He is under a lot of pressure (not that you haven't been) In a way you do lose them to recovery--but it is not permanent--and way better than him staying the way he was or you having to bury him....Take care of YOU now and the kids--focus on that and let him get through this...the end result will be you will have your husband back and renew your love for each other all over.All the reasons you married him will resurface in a little while--he just needs time to get well.....my best wishes to you....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Pasadena,Ca
Posts: 147
As a recovering alcoholic I can tell you early recovery is really hard work. Be patient, keep expectations low and be so very grateful that your husband is working as hard as he is at this. Your time together will come.
It is so easy to feel a little left out and a little resentful when somebody you love is giving all of their time and effort to recovery. I have heard a lot of people talk about this, so you are not alone. He is doing what he needs to do. You need to take care of yourself. If you haven't tried it, you might check out Alanon. My husband goes to Alanon and I've been sober for 13 years.
We had a hard time at the beginning of my sobriety, I was very busy staying sober and learning how to basically do, think, act and live differently than I ever had done before. Early recovery is exhausting, it really is a life or death situation for us. I felt very raw and I didn't feel I had much in common with anyone except the people in the recovery groups I was attending. This is actually a good thing, its when your A starts saying that he has nothing in common with those people that you should worry.
You are his safe place at the end of the day. All I can say is patience, patience, patience.
Blessings to you and your husband on this journey of recovery.
--K
It is so easy to feel a little left out and a little resentful when somebody you love is giving all of their time and effort to recovery. I have heard a lot of people talk about this, so you are not alone. He is doing what he needs to do. You need to take care of yourself. If you haven't tried it, you might check out Alanon. My husband goes to Alanon and I've been sober for 13 years.
We had a hard time at the beginning of my sobriety, I was very busy staying sober and learning how to basically do, think, act and live differently than I ever had done before. Early recovery is exhausting, it really is a life or death situation for us. I felt very raw and I didn't feel I had much in common with anyone except the people in the recovery groups I was attending. This is actually a good thing, its when your A starts saying that he has nothing in common with those people that you should worry.
You are his safe place at the end of the day. All I can say is patience, patience, patience.
Blessings to you and your husband on this journey of recovery.
--K
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Welcome, Glad you came on in, but sorry you felt you needed to.
I am afraid all you can do is leave him to fight his battle.
Seems we all think just stop drinking and all will go right back to the beginning. so sad it doesn't work that way. His nervous system may be screaming to the point he is barely hanging on, now everyone is different, but many have anxiety like ya wouldn't believe, Some feel nausus, many things, an old injury could be hurting like blazes.
JMO ,alcohol was his pain Rx, and his anxiety Rx, his tranquilizer and his sleeping pill, took away parinoia, fears etc.
Just think if you and I were on all that medication and it was all removed at once, we would be a basket case.
Meetings where he laughs he is where no one shows disgust, no one looks judgemental, no one says you are wrong, dumb folish, as have all been there, they are among people that can understand like no others ever could. Also he has to travel this road alone for quite a ways before you can meet up down the road and walk and laugh together.
Please try Al-Anon and go to some open AA meetings. Different meeting than where he goes or a different time.
This isn't fair to you at all, but life seems never fair.
Wanting the best for you both, my suggestion read everything you can and relax as long as he keeps going to meetings . Hard, but it is all we can do.
In stickys checkout classic reading and there is a list of good books.
The more we know about the disease the better.
While he is at a meeting, go have coffee with a friend, ir go to a movie or a walk in the park.
Meetings are like a school, we learn how to live without the crutch, we learn to live life on life's terms.
Caring hugs for you both and the childern.
Take what you can use and leave the rest, there are no musts or have to, and work at your own pace.
I am afraid all you can do is leave him to fight his battle.
Seems we all think just stop drinking and all will go right back to the beginning. so sad it doesn't work that way. His nervous system may be screaming to the point he is barely hanging on, now everyone is different, but many have anxiety like ya wouldn't believe, Some feel nausus, many things, an old injury could be hurting like blazes.
JMO ,alcohol was his pain Rx, and his anxiety Rx, his tranquilizer and his sleeping pill, took away parinoia, fears etc.
Just think if you and I were on all that medication and it was all removed at once, we would be a basket case.
Meetings where he laughs he is where no one shows disgust, no one looks judgemental, no one says you are wrong, dumb folish, as have all been there, they are among people that can understand like no others ever could. Also he has to travel this road alone for quite a ways before you can meet up down the road and walk and laugh together.
Please try Al-Anon and go to some open AA meetings. Different meeting than where he goes or a different time.
This isn't fair to you at all, but life seems never fair.
Wanting the best for you both, my suggestion read everything you can and relax as long as he keeps going to meetings . Hard, but it is all we can do.
In stickys checkout classic reading and there is a list of good books.
The more we know about the disease the better.
While he is at a meeting, go have coffee with a friend, ir go to a movie or a walk in the park.
Meetings are like a school, we learn how to live without the crutch, we learn to live life on life's terms.
Caring hugs for you both and the childern.
Take what you can use and leave the rest, there are no musts or have to, and work at your own pace.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
Hi. Recovering Alkie here.
Read the Chapters in the AA Big Book, "To Wives" and "The Family After". This may explain a lot. It's written that it's quite common in early sobriety.
I'm divorced, so I have no ES&H to share on that matter. However, I am a single Dad, and a lot of what the book talks about is happening in my life.
Yes, I'm gone a lot. But I'm here, and sober. My daughter understands this.
Lastly, it is a lot of work. It is emotionally draining. But it is SOOOOO worth it.
I would suggest waiting it out. To the tune of 6 months or so.
Good Luck and God Bless.
Read the Chapters in the AA Big Book, "To Wives" and "The Family After". This may explain a lot. It's written that it's quite common in early sobriety.
I'm divorced, so I have no ES&H to share on that matter. However, I am a single Dad, and a lot of what the book talks about is happening in my life.
Yes, I'm gone a lot. But I'm here, and sober. My daughter understands this.
Lastly, it is a lot of work. It is emotionally draining. But it is SOOOOO worth it.
I would suggest waiting it out. To the tune of 6 months or so.
Good Luck and God Bless.
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