have I given up?
Sunny Side Up
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
have I given up?
Hi, This is my first time. I have been browsing through the forums only for a couple of weeks due to some frustrations with my alcoholic sister. My sister has been in detox centres, live-in rehab houses, you name it we've been there and back again.
My sister is living on her own with her teenage children who are finding this all so hard. (we are going to counselling groups) She went back into rehab 5 weeks ago, only to come out on a weekend and have her regular binge, one weekend with another abuser and last weekend to spend time with her kids which meant (drunk in bed all weekend).
I have been there supporting her but it has just become all so hard. I am trying to work fulltime, look after my own family, her family etc etc and it is dragging me down.
Talking to my mum yesterday, she said to me, " i told aunty that I have given up and my aunty replied, I dont think I could give up on one of my kids"
The constant guilt trip is there for us too! I said to me you havent given up on her, you are just having a rest.
My biggest questions as a newcomer is, What is rock bottom! - us leaving her alone?
Thankyou and I feel for all who are going through this dreadful hell.
My sister is living on her own with her teenage children who are finding this all so hard. (we are going to counselling groups) She went back into rehab 5 weeks ago, only to come out on a weekend and have her regular binge, one weekend with another abuser and last weekend to spend time with her kids which meant (drunk in bed all weekend).
I have been there supporting her but it has just become all so hard. I am trying to work fulltime, look after my own family, her family etc etc and it is dragging me down.
Talking to my mum yesterday, she said to me, " i told aunty that I have given up and my aunty replied, I dont think I could give up on one of my kids"
The constant guilt trip is there for us too! I said to me you havent given up on her, you are just having a rest.
My biggest questions as a newcomer is, What is rock bottom! - us leaving her alone?
Thankyou and I feel for all who are going through this dreadful hell.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Welcome to SR Justjo.
I'm about ready to turn in for the second time tonight, but I wanted to briefly respond to you first.
Sorry to hear what you're going through. Yes, it certainly can be exhausting and totally overwhelming at times.
What is rock bottom? There's no clear-cut measure, for it's different for each person. There's no way to tell what your sister's will be. But, what is yours?
Do you have Alanon available to you? It might be worthwhile for you to look into. Many people have found that program to be extremely beneficial when dealing with a loved one's addictions.
My eyes are getting bleary, so before I go I just wanted to mention about reading as much as you can here, and in the stickies at the top of this forum.
Others will be along to share their insights with you, I'm sure.
Till then, take care, and please keep coming back!
I'm about ready to turn in for the second time tonight, but I wanted to briefly respond to you first.
Sorry to hear what you're going through. Yes, it certainly can be exhausting and totally overwhelming at times.
What is rock bottom? There's no clear-cut measure, for it's different for each person. There's no way to tell what your sister's will be. But, what is yours?
Do you have Alanon available to you? It might be worthwhile for you to look into. Many people have found that program to be extremely beneficial when dealing with a loved one's addictions.
My eyes are getting bleary, so before I go I just wanted to mention about reading as much as you can here, and in the stickies at the top of this forum.
Others will be along to share their insights with you, I'm sure.
Till then, take care, and please keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Welcome. I'm glad you have decided to post here. Keep posting. To begin with, YOU have done all you can. She wants to remain drunk. Period. Nothing seems to be working at this point. Perhaps losing her children, losing her job, losing her home, losing her sanity, and living in a garbage pail will be her bottom. It frequently takes that much to get them to seek sobriety. Perhaps a doctor will tell her if she picks up again, she will soon be dead. That also gets their attention, although even the threat of death won't always stop them.
Your part in rock-bottom is leaving her alone. Now, what do you plan to do for yourself? You've been guilt-tripped. What do you propose to heal yourself? Yes, you have been affected and become somewhat ill yourself in dealing with this disease - it is an equal opportunity destroyer.
Ignore what anyone else is telling you how to feel or how to act. This is YOUR life - you alone own it. What do you think you need to do to feel okay with yourself?
Your part in rock-bottom is leaving her alone. Now, what do you plan to do for yourself? You've been guilt-tripped. What do you propose to heal yourself? Yes, you have been affected and become somewhat ill yourself in dealing with this disease - it is an equal opportunity destroyer.
Ignore what anyone else is telling you how to feel or how to act. This is YOUR life - you alone own it. What do you think you need to do to feel okay with yourself?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
jail, institutions, or death.
There's the regular homeless people and then there's
the drunks and addicts homeless..they're a breed. Even
at this bottom or junction the only thing on thier mind
is getting the next high.
There's the regular homeless people and then there's
the drunks and addicts homeless..they're a breed. Even
at this bottom or junction the only thing on thier mind
is getting the next high.
Sunny Side Up
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Oh thank you all so much for your kind words. Crazy It brought tears to my eyes. There I was posting last night and I thankyou again for your advise.
Yes she has been told she may be dead in 2-3years. Yes, I know she has to find her own rockbottom. (i guess i just didnt want to watch her get there, it is painful) AND
Tonight I found out my sister has once again been kicked out of rehab. My neice told me they came home from school and she was home to give them this news! What to do, you see while she has been in an out of recovery we all have been looking after the kids. Even her ex husband (who is a lovely man) has been staying at the house with the kids just so we can keep them in their home.
OK what to do. This is the 7th 8th 9th time. Ive lost count. Move the kids into our houses and let her go. I guess. Anyway, Im too tired to think. Not to worry, but come up with a good solution for my neice and nephew.
Goodnight and thanks from us in Australia.
Yes she has been told she may be dead in 2-3years. Yes, I know she has to find her own rockbottom. (i guess i just didnt want to watch her get there, it is painful) AND
Tonight I found out my sister has once again been kicked out of rehab. My neice told me they came home from school and she was home to give them this news! What to do, you see while she has been in an out of recovery we all have been looking after the kids. Even her ex husband (who is a lovely man) has been staying at the house with the kids just so we can keep them in their home.
OK what to do. This is the 7th 8th 9th time. Ive lost count. Move the kids into our houses and let her go. I guess. Anyway, Im too tired to think. Not to worry, but come up with a good solution for my neice and nephew.
Goodnight and thanks from us in Australia.
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Just, Nothing crazy about crying! Sounds like maybe you need a release! Please, take time for you! It's so easy to get caught up in our As lives that we can't see what's happening in our own!
Someone at SR said once to get away, read a book, take a bubble bath, watch a movie...do something to distract yourself from the situation if only for a little bit! It really does help to step back!
And please, read the stickies at the top of the page! They are sooo helpful!
And post away anytime! We're 'hear' for you!
Much love, Cheryl
Someone at SR said once to get away, read a book, take a bubble bath, watch a movie...do something to distract yourself from the situation if only for a little bit! It really does help to step back!
And please, read the stickies at the top of the page! They are sooo helpful!
And post away anytime! We're 'hear' for you!
Much love, Cheryl
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
They say the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same things expecting a different result. All the "help" you have given hasn't had an effect. I wouldn't say any of you have given up, I'd say you have smartened up.
It is exhausting to pour yourself into someones life and see nothing at all change.
I think you have to redefine what giving up is. I also think that you have to redefine what helping really is.
Caring for those children is a good thing. Maybe there needs to be a shift in how this is all being handled to make it more managable.
I know a lady who had her four kids with three different fathers taken away, the children were dispursed among relatives. The lady was supposed to be in manditory in house rehab. She was arrested because she had all the kids in the back seat with no seatbelts. She was driving like a lunatic when she got pulled over and became abusive to the police.
This was a week before school started which made it harder.
She quit the rehab, which I don't understand, since it was manditory.
She did have time to meet someone in rehab that she got engaged to after a week and got pregnant.
She is in her forties.
Now with fifth baby on the way and the kids she already had scattered among relatives, the only person doing whatever she wanted was her.
I'm grateful that your sisters kids are teenagers. That can bring on a whole new set of concerns but they can at least meet their own daily needs.
If what you and your mom have ben doing doesnt' make sense and you haven't seen any positive changes, it is time to regroup, rest and rethink this.
If I were to offer any food for thought it is that you realize, an alcoholic will spend YOU to your exhaustion. They will kill you an inch at a time and be itchy for a drink at your funeral. Counceling is great but there is nothing wrong with saving yourselves either. If stepping away from te only one who has any energy is what you have to do. Do it.
It is exhausting to pour yourself into someones life and see nothing at all change.
I think you have to redefine what giving up is. I also think that you have to redefine what helping really is.
Caring for those children is a good thing. Maybe there needs to be a shift in how this is all being handled to make it more managable.
I know a lady who had her four kids with three different fathers taken away, the children were dispursed among relatives. The lady was supposed to be in manditory in house rehab. She was arrested because she had all the kids in the back seat with no seatbelts. She was driving like a lunatic when she got pulled over and became abusive to the police.
This was a week before school started which made it harder.
She quit the rehab, which I don't understand, since it was manditory.
She did have time to meet someone in rehab that she got engaged to after a week and got pregnant.
She is in her forties.
Now with fifth baby on the way and the kids she already had scattered among relatives, the only person doing whatever she wanted was her.
I'm grateful that your sisters kids are teenagers. That can bring on a whole new set of concerns but they can at least meet their own daily needs.
If what you and your mom have ben doing doesnt' make sense and you haven't seen any positive changes, it is time to regroup, rest and rethink this.
If I were to offer any food for thought it is that you realize, an alcoholic will spend YOU to your exhaustion. They will kill you an inch at a time and be itchy for a drink at your funeral. Counceling is great but there is nothing wrong with saving yourselves either. If stepping away from te only one who has any energy is what you have to do. Do it.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Hello,
I think the one thing you should do is getting out of her way. Yep that’s right, step back and let the cards fall where they may.
The kids father will deal with them and all involved with your sister need to get to some Alanon meetings.
The sad truth is all the detox centers and helping hand will do NOTHING to help her unless she wants help.
She needs to occupy her time with AA and live a whole new way.
But this is something that you can not help with nor get involved with.
This is her path to do what she may.
You my friend need to take care of yourself. Live YOUR life and do understand that this is hers to deal with.
I think the one thing you should do is getting out of her way. Yep that’s right, step back and let the cards fall where they may.
The kids father will deal with them and all involved with your sister need to get to some Alanon meetings.
The sad truth is all the detox centers and helping hand will do NOTHING to help her unless she wants help.
She needs to occupy her time with AA and live a whole new way.
But this is something that you can not help with nor get involved with.
This is her path to do what she may.
You my friend need to take care of yourself. Live YOUR life and do understand that this is hers to deal with.
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