Nicole0927

Well my ABF was out doing a side job and I had a bad gut feeling when he wasn't answering his phone. So I went there and they told me he has been gone for 5 hours. So I know what that means....... He has bee doing so good. Going to meetings he has bee clean. I guess I have a hard time understanding how things can seem so normal one day and then be a complete nightmare the next day. I'm very sad because I have done so much for him. Gave up so many things in my life. I sit here and ask myself how did this happen to me and why??? Any advice? For those of you that do not know my story his doc is crack.

Trying_in_Texas

I try really hard not to see myself as a "victim" of my addict mom or ex-ABF. It is not as easy as it sounds, but the honest-to-goodness truth... you can only get treated as badly as you let someone treat you, you know?

I went through this a million times... going and trying to "find" ABF, just to "prove" that I knew what he was doing... it never really helped. I had to work on myself... because there is NOTHING that you can do to help him with his own addiction. Only his HP can do that for him. If you let it go and let it be God's problem... if you can really do that... your life starts to get a lot less complicated. But it's not easy.

Have you ever been to an Alanon or Naranon meeting? I love my home group so very much, and they have helped me more than ANYTHING. I highly, highly suggest trying it on for size... talking to people who understand you and studying on how to make YOURSELF into a better version... very empowering. It will help you feel like less of a "victim" of your life and more like a capable person... so that when something like this happens, you know you have CHOICES and don't feel so betrayed.

My guess would be that your ABF is not doing this to you to be a bad guy. He has a serious problem... and just going to meetings might not be enough for him. This doesn't have anything to do with how great you are, or how pretty you are, or how wonderful you are... this is all about him and his drugs. Until he gets help and breaks that chain... you will always come second. Always.

I really hope you try to get some help for yourself. You deserve an outlet for your pain too.

Nicole0927

I feel betrayed because all of his lies. How can someone be okay one day and then this happen? I guess I just dont understand how powerful drugs can be. I know he is not doing this to hurt me because he is really good to me and we have a wonderful relationship. We did have a wonderful realtionship. I set boundries the last time and I'm sticking to them. I have too because I know in time the pain that I'm feeling today will get better but as long as I continue to be with him this is how I will feel everytime he relapses. I feel sorry for people who live a life of addiction. I just understand how something can take full control of your life. Haha I'm laughing because I'm sure it is no different then me allowing him to take control of my life. I can't even think or function right now. I have been to meetings and yes they were helpful but I stopped going when things started getting better again. I plan on going again. I'm also reading a really good book by Rick Warren. The purpose for living. We were actually reading it together. I will finish it by myself. In that book it tell you that everything in your life happens because that is how god planned it. I'm still not sure what type of lesson this has been for me.

Elana

I don't know what the lesson is other than to tell you to take care of you, rely on yourself, and stick to today.

Dam* and Crap that this is happening to you. I am sorry.

teke

such good advice above, been there done that, my rah's doc is crack too

take care of you and decide how you want to live your life and work toward that goal. addiction is a life long thing and so is recovery. i'm an addict and i can't get too comfortable in my recovery, it only takes one hit of crack to send me off to the races. the others are right, its not about you, its not your fault and i know that you've probably done all you know to do and then some, nothing works because there is nothing that you can do that will make it work, your bf have to do that for himself.

sorry that you are going through this, relapse is common with addiction too. maybe its time for you to think about whether or not you are ready to commit to a life around addiction. detachment don't have to mean leave, i was able to seperate myself emotionally and financially at first, then it came time that i had to do it physically just to save my sanity. the choice is yours, and time will tell you what you need to do, in the meantime, please don't forget to do what you need to do for yourself. try not to expect too much out of his recovery and whether or not he works it, it saves you from disappointments. keeping you and yours in my prayers.

loveon2legs

Hi Nicole,
Rick Warren's book is an amazing book.... The purpose driven life...... amazing , amazing amazing... anyway hun you go with your recovery... let him fall when he will... the saying goes.. you can lead a horse to water... but you can't make them drink.... it is not about you..... please know that.. took me too long to realize that.... I am 34 and have been with a crack addict for 7 years......(we are not together now and not in the for see able future) I can only say to you as advice don't listen so much as to what they say, watch what they do.... actions speak louder than words... the rest is lip service.. please just be aware..

lotsa love to you,
Liz

God Bless....

BigSis

What was hard for me to accept was that all my sacrifices were for me. They made me feel better. They gave me a "mom hit" each time I 'helped' my addicted kids. I liked that feeling. It sometimes made me feel very strong.. very powerful.

Finding out that I was doing it for me was a step in stopping the behavior.

Going to meetings for support was good... in the beginning. When I went to figure out "how it works", I stopped going to get support, but began to be curious about the steps and the traditions and sponsorship... and I sought out those who had been in the program forever. It turns out THEY had what I wanted.

If you want what they have, do what they do.

((hugs))

hope213

for the life of me i can not understand how the addicts mind works. i do understand where you are coming from.it does not matter what we do for the addict, it is what they do for themselves.take care of you & work your recovery,let him do for himself.prayers for you both..hugs,

Wascally Wabbit

I don't have anything new to say, the above posts are very good. But, I do hope you find peace with everything soon.

tropikgal2

Nicole, I am so sorry you are having to deal with this relapse. Try the meetings again, at least you will have dome people to share with what you are going to. If you stick to the boundaries you are comfortable with, you will feel better. Just don't second-guess yourself.
Peace to you
Sandy

lostmdboy

Hey Nicole, Hey I lived in B-more for the first 18 yrs. of my life. Have they fixxed the D@mm roads yet??? Bet not. Any way I really do not think you should be all that hard on him. You said he was trying really hard. This is a good and positive thing. Have you talked to him. Does he know he made a mistake, and is willing to try to start over? Man This addiction is a powerful thing, and a lot of people fall off a couple times before they get it right. I have read that the more relapses people have, the more likely the next time they get back "on The wagon" the more likely it wil stick. Peeps in recovery need love and compassion. Some times it has to be tough love, but as long as it is love. Good luck. Go O's

Nicole0927

Thanks everyone for all of your advice. Hey John yes the roads are still terrible just like them O's. ABF showed up around 5:00am. Begging me to take him to the crack dealers house to get his truck. He said he hacked a ride home. So... I took him like the dummy that I am. I don't want to be hard on him because he has been trying so hard. This is what he says happened this time. He was at the side job and a buddy stopped by to borrow 20 bucks from him and the guy said I have 5 dimes of crack for you to buy. He said get the fxxk outa here and the guy played it off like he was joking. He walked out to the friends car and gave him the 20 bucks and the friend pulled out the 5 dimes of crack. So much of a friend he is. So ABF bought them and thats when his mission began. This one was short lived not like the last one sold most of his tools stole his company truck. Boss out out an u/a use of the truck. He turned himself in after a 4 day mission and I bailed him out. I'm in debt like you would not believe all of my savings are gone and his boss took him back to give him not one more chance but this is the third time he has done this with this company. Of course he is going through the motions depression etc... Boo who who.... This time I'm very angry I'm all out of compassion and sorrow for him. He sold the watch that I gave him for xmas. I spent 300.00 on that. I live in the good part of baltimore but work in the bad part. I see all of them addicts everyday running with so much desperation on their face. It is really sad. I told him that I look at him the same way I look at them. with disgust. When that guy pulled out the crack he still had time to think things through even it was just for a minute. He chose to go get that crack pipe and stuff it. After everything that he has done for himself and all the effort he has put into his recovery... for what to start all over again. To say that he was not trying but would a lie because he was soooo hard. All it takes is a second to fall back down. Now I'm sitting here asking God for his help because I really don't want him to leave. I don't understand why he just didn't say no. I know that this has nothing to do with me and that this is his problem. I just don't understand. I'm not sure that I can live that rest of my life noe that I see how easy it is to mess up again. Meetings must not be good enough for him. He needs to take it a step further but he has to be the one to do that. Any advice as to what I should do this time?

laurie6781

Nicole, first let me say that I am happy to met you, but sad that it has to be under these circumstances.

Might I suggest you go back and read your posts in this thread, but read them as if it was someone else who posted and see what your reaction is. I think you will get your answer.

Nicole have you tried Alanon or Naranon yet? You will find some great help there also.

Keep posting, we do care.

Love and hugs,

kj0975

Sounds like what he explained was a drug deal he gave him 20 and return he got the drugs? Sounds TOOO WEIRD to me, but hey I believed the stories for 3years so who am I. You'll get stronger you will know when you have had enough. We all have our breaking points. Its SO hard for an addict to walk away and after some clean time they think it can be control soon realized not the case. Never is. Or since hes been clean so long WHAT a high he would get. We will never know we only know what we are told and we can believe it or not!