Same old, same old
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 89
Same old, same old
Well, the kids (10 yo dd, 3 yo ds) saw XAH at the access centre today. He is supposed to see them every other week, but has cancelled twice so far....so he has only seen them three times since October. He brought Easter gifts, so I'm assuming he's going to cancel the next visit again.
At the last visit, our daughter complained that the workers weren't properly supervising him, and he was asking inappropriate questions. I contacted them to let them know about it, but apparently nothing was done because he did it again today. Dd said her dad was mean and cranky, and looked drunk. She said his eyes were "funny." He kept asking too many questions....like where my new job is (there is a restraining order against him), etc. He also mitched and boaned about various things. My daughter said it was an awful visit.
Some things never change. Poor girl.
At the last visit, our daughter complained that the workers weren't properly supervising him, and he was asking inappropriate questions. I contacted them to let them know about it, but apparently nothing was done because he did it again today. Dd said her dad was mean and cranky, and looked drunk. She said his eyes were "funny." He kept asking too many questions....like where my new job is (there is a restraining order against him), etc. He also mitched and boaned about various things. My daughter said it was an awful visit.
Some things never change. Poor girl.
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: iowa
Posts: 93
My 10 year old daughter also had a bad time when she last saw her dad.
I was along and instead of AH paying attention to her and her brother - all he did was hold my hand, try to kiss me, cry on my shoulder 'why can't this work'.
I knew she was upset, but then her counselor met with her and had her talking about it so that when we got home she exploded.
And I mean exploded.
She was so mad at me, blaming me for the filing for divorce, and for dad not spending time with her, and for making him leave and for anything else she could think of - it was ALL MY FAULT!!
She remembers what dad was like here, and that he never did anything with her, but 'at least then he was here.'
Of course I know it wasn't my fault and I know she knows it too.
It's just that she's so frustrated with her dad.
I was along and instead of AH paying attention to her and her brother - all he did was hold my hand, try to kiss me, cry on my shoulder 'why can't this work'.
I knew she was upset, but then her counselor met with her and had her talking about it so that when we got home she exploded.
And I mean exploded.
She was so mad at me, blaming me for the filing for divorce, and for dad not spending time with her, and for making him leave and for anything else she could think of - it was ALL MY FAULT!!
She remembers what dad was like here, and that he never did anything with her, but 'at least then he was here.'
Of course I know it wasn't my fault and I know she knows it too.
It's just that she's so frustrated with her dad.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
Why do they have to always screw with the kids heads--isn't it bad enough what they do to us---your poor daughter she will need some extra TLC from you--hey if they can't properly supervise him maybe its not worth the visit.Is there any one who can supervise the visits?
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
Dolorosa ... my sympathies to you and your children with the sad situation.
Unfortunately, as long the alcoholic remains active and you have kids together ... there never seems like there can be a happy healthy outcome ... no matter how hard we try to create a saner life for them. If the parent is totally absent, the kids will always wonder why they weren't worthy of the alcoholic parent's time...but if the alcoholic parent is involved, the kids are exposed ongoing strange and irrational behavior. I wonder how many troubled souls are out there ... as a result of an unstable, painful and confusing relationship with an alcoholic parent. I know I spent most of my life with insecurities brought on by a alcoholic father I couldn't count on to be responsible and take care of us ... and these problems persisted even with my father turning his life around when I was 12. I never dreamed I would have to go through this misery with my own children ... and was a huge motivator in my life to do what I could to create as much stability as I could in their lives ... even though I was powerless over the behavior of my husband.
It is hard enough for adults to understand why the alcoholic can't stop drinking and put their families first ... it is so much harder for children to grasp.
Unfortunately, as long the alcoholic remains active and you have kids together ... there never seems like there can be a happy healthy outcome ... no matter how hard we try to create a saner life for them. If the parent is totally absent, the kids will always wonder why they weren't worthy of the alcoholic parent's time...but if the alcoholic parent is involved, the kids are exposed ongoing strange and irrational behavior. I wonder how many troubled souls are out there ... as a result of an unstable, painful and confusing relationship with an alcoholic parent. I know I spent most of my life with insecurities brought on by a alcoholic father I couldn't count on to be responsible and take care of us ... and these problems persisted even with my father turning his life around when I was 12. I never dreamed I would have to go through this misery with my own children ... and was a huge motivator in my life to do what I could to create as much stability as I could in their lives ... even though I was powerless over the behavior of my husband.
It is hard enough for adults to understand why the alcoholic can't stop drinking and put their families first ... it is so much harder for children to grasp.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 89
You know, it's just hard to believe that he is still treating the kids like dirt even though he rarely seems them. My daughter said that three hours is too long. XAH told her that he wants to see them for five hours on Saturday AND Sunday, every week. Dd says she doesn't want that AT ALL. Hopefully she will have a say in this. He will have supervised visits at the access centre for six months, and then we will discuss (through mediation) what will happen after that. I don't see him having unsupervised visits anytime soon.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
It must be some kind of feather in his cap to have visits with his kids on his record. It's making him look good to someone, like maybe a parole officer or someone like that.
In his own warped mind, he is creating a testimony that will include some crazy revisionist history.
He will say he saw his kids, that they stopped wnating to come because you have poisoned them against him, it will be your fault.
He will not mention that each visit really consisted of him pumping the kids for information and being a big crab.
They will stop wanting to go.
I'm sure it hurts them because they love him. If seeing him hurts worse than not seeing him, they will stop wanting to go. Then he will blame them.
Clearly a man who loves his kids most would give THEM WHAT THEY NEED from the visit. He doesn't want them leaving happy. He wants them leaving feeling sad, responsible that it is the way it is.
You could take the bull by the horns and stop visits. If and when he complains, you can request a meeting with the Judge to tell about how the visits are not properly supervised and how is is misusing the kids.
I think I would start preparing the kids for the vistis to become less frequent. if their father isn't getting what he needs (info), he'll stop requesting meetings with them anyway.
Why put them through it?
In his own warped mind, he is creating a testimony that will include some crazy revisionist history.
He will say he saw his kids, that they stopped wnating to come because you have poisoned them against him, it will be your fault.
He will not mention that each visit really consisted of him pumping the kids for information and being a big crab.
They will stop wanting to go.
I'm sure it hurts them because they love him. If seeing him hurts worse than not seeing him, they will stop wanting to go. Then he will blame them.
Clearly a man who loves his kids most would give THEM WHAT THEY NEED from the visit. He doesn't want them leaving happy. He wants them leaving feeling sad, responsible that it is the way it is.
You could take the bull by the horns and stop visits. If and when he complains, you can request a meeting with the Judge to tell about how the visits are not properly supervised and how is is misusing the kids.
I think I would start preparing the kids for the vistis to become less frequent. if their father isn't getting what he needs (info), he'll stop requesting meetings with them anyway.
Why put them through it?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by mallowcup 
He will say he saw his kids, that they stopped wnating to come because you have poisoned them against him, it will be your fault.
He will not mention that each visit really consisted of him pumping the kids for information and being a big crab.
He will not mention that each visit really consisted of him pumping the kids for information and being a big crab.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
My ex used to say to the kids, "Why don't you ever come to see me?". GRRRR
They would get tears in their eyes to have missed their dad so much and it never ocurred to them that they should go see him. He lived an hour away. I told him, They are children, how exactly is it they were supposed to "come see you?" He made it their fault. Undoing the ideas he put in their head was very hard. They missed him and when he made no effort to see them, he made them think it was their fault, their lack of effort.
He really was willing to let them feel that way. Anythng else would make it his fault.
They would get tears in their eyes to have missed their dad so much and it never ocurred to them that they should go see him. He lived an hour away. I told him, They are children, how exactly is it they were supposed to "come see you?" He made it their fault. Undoing the ideas he put in their head was very hard. They missed him and when he made no effort to see them, he made them think it was their fault, their lack of effort.
He really was willing to let them feel that way. Anythng else would make it his fault.
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