Living in dread
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Living in dread
I was thinking about my posts earlier in the week. I was so depressed and sad and pitiful, etc...
I knew what was coming. I knew that starting Wed my AH would start drinking heavy again and he did and I've made it through three days of drinking and who knows what tomorrow will bring. But I was thinking this evening that the dread of him drinking was as debilitating to me as his actual drinking.
I just didn't think I could survive another round of it and I ruined two perfectly good days living in fear of what might happen. And did happen and guess what? I survived it. I'm still here. On the other side of it and wondering what was my problem??
Where was I going with this??
Well, all I wanted to say is how strange of me to ruin anything worrying about soemthing I could do nothing about! Well, I wanted to say that and thanks for picking me up and dusting me off this week! I love all my SR buddies!!
Blessing to all of you this weekend! Cheryl
I knew what was coming. I knew that starting Wed my AH would start drinking heavy again and he did and I've made it through three days of drinking and who knows what tomorrow will bring. But I was thinking this evening that the dread of him drinking was as debilitating to me as his actual drinking.
I just didn't think I could survive another round of it and I ruined two perfectly good days living in fear of what might happen. And did happen and guess what? I survived it. I'm still here. On the other side of it and wondering what was my problem??
Where was I going with this??
Well, all I wanted to say is how strange of me to ruin anything worrying about soemthing I could do nothing about! Well, I wanted to say that and thanks for picking me up and dusting me off this week! I love all my SR buddies!!
Blessing to all of you this weekend! Cheryl
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hi chero,
This place is terrific isn't it? I'm so happy that you are learning and enjoying being here with us all. It's amazing when that light bulb goes off and we realize a new bit of recovery has come our way.
Like they say in the meetings: "keep coming back!"
This place is terrific isn't it? I'm so happy that you are learning and enjoying being here with us all. It's amazing when that light bulb goes off and we realize a new bit of recovery has come our way.
Like they say in the meetings: "keep coming back!"
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Sacramento, CA
Posts: 63
I know exactly what you mean. I dread so much my AH's drinking it ruins my whole days!!!
But I want to do something about it - don't you? Or not? I am new here...I don't know what to feel or think.
I am sick of dreading every evening and every night.
I don't know what to do, so first I'm going to try to help him, for him to get help to understand what is happening to him....And I've made up my mind that if he doesn't go along with getting help, I'm outta here!
And that's saying a lot - we've been together since 1972.
But so far I have not threatened him with that. I'll give him a chance first.
I don't mean to bring you down, I'm just trying to understand your post and others....Aren't you allowed to feel bad or sad? (I do!)
Hmmmm, there is a lot to learn for me.....
But I want to do something about it - don't you? Or not? I am new here...I don't know what to feel or think.
I am sick of dreading every evening and every night.
I don't know what to do, so first I'm going to try to help him, for him to get help to understand what is happening to him....And I've made up my mind that if he doesn't go along with getting help, I'm outta here!
And that's saying a lot - we've been together since 1972.
But so far I have not threatened him with that. I'll give him a chance first.
I don't mean to bring you down, I'm just trying to understand your post and others....Aren't you allowed to feel bad or sad? (I do!)
Hmmmm, there is a lot to learn for me.....
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Ahh! Thanks you guys, but I do owe to ya'll! What an inspiration.
AG, I have been there almost weekly! But it's getting better. When I think how long I've endured this and still am here breathing, living, etc. I know I can make it through anything
You think and feel whatever you think and feel! It's all okay! I do want to do something about it! SOOO MUCH! But I've figured out the only thing I can do something about it me. I'm the only one I'm capable of changing!
Oh, AG, You can't bring me down! I know what you are going through! You are desperate for help, change, a better way! I've been there...this very week! But once I got a little perspective from my friends here at SR and calmed myself down I felt better. What I've learned is that I have to stop manipulating my AH and stop trying to control him and his drinking. I can't stop him from drinking or change his idea of it because his drinking isn't about me, it's about him and all I can control is me!
I hope I haven't rambled on too much! I just wanted to tell you how much I understand where you are coming from because I've been there! And I'm praying for you!! You have made a huge step coming here and trying to understand what is going on and what you can do to change! Please, keep, keep, keep coming back and posting and talking and asking questions!!! Everyone here wants to help...anytime!!
Much love and understanding!! Cheryl
Originally Posted by aGrandma 
I know exactly what you mean. I dread so much my AH's drinking it ruins my whole days!!!
Originally Posted by aGrandma
But I want to do something about it - don't you? Or not? I am new here...I don't know what to feel or think. I am sick of dreading every evening and every night. I don't know what to do, so first I'm going to try to help him, for him to get help to understand what is happening to him....
Originally Posted by aGrandma
I don't mean to bring you down, I'm just trying to understand your post and others....Aren't you allowed to feel bad or sad? (I do!)
Hmmmm, there is a lot to learn for me.....
Hmmmm, there is a lot to learn for me.....
I hope I haven't rambled on too much! I just wanted to tell you how much I understand where you are coming from because I've been there! And I'm praying for you!! You have made a huge step coming here and trying to understand what is going on and what you can do to change! Please, keep, keep, keep coming back and posting and talking and asking questions!!! Everyone here wants to help...anytime!!
Much love and understanding!! Cheryl
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: ENGLAND
Posts: 8
im new here and just read your thread and it got me thinking. I had never thought of it that way before, that he drinking is his problem i have spent 11 years tring to change him and be the person i once loved but its never going to happen is it? he will never change unless he wants to. The scary part is what to do if he decides that thats what he wants. Do i leave, do i stay? confused................
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 9
I know how you feel
Chero,
I'm glad you are getting through these dark nights. Just wanted to say I know how you feel about SR. I'm really new here too--started a couple of weeks ago and mostly have time on the weekends. Both times when I was feeling really sad and really scared, these people came out of nowhere and just said exactly the right thing. Good luck, and keep finding your way down that path to feeling better.
Earthstar
I'm glad you are getting through these dark nights. Just wanted to say I know how you feel about SR. I'm really new here too--started a couple of weeks ago and mostly have time on the weekends. Both times when I was feeling really sad and really scared, these people came out of nowhere and just said exactly the right thing. Good luck, and keep finding your way down that path to feeling better.
Earthstar
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Oh Pink, You are bringing tears to my eyes! I feel your pain so much! Nobody can answer that question but you! I chose to stay today. I don't know what the future holds.
What made me make a decision was first taking a hands off approach to his drinking. Or trying to. I have some problems in that area with manipulation.
But, leaving him alone with his drinking and trying to live my own life made a difference in me. Gave me some perspective.
Please, don't think it was a magic cure or something. It's so hard! But maybe that could be a start?!!?
Praying for you!! Cheryl
What made me make a decision was first taking a hands off approach to his drinking. Or trying to. I have some problems in that area with manipulation.
But, leaving him alone with his drinking and trying to live my own life made a difference in me. Gave me some perspective.Please, don't think it was a magic cure or something. It's so hard! But maybe that could be a start?!!?
Praying for you!! Cheryl
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
Chero---when I started learning how to meditate and do biofeedback for my physical pain--it helped my life in all areas...I had a Buddhists teacher and although I am not oneOne concept they teach sticks with me the most--no yesterday(gone)-no tomorrow(who knows)--only now.It has helped me alot-I have it hanging on my bedroom wall so I look at it often///I can't change the past--or predict the future-must live for today only.Which at times is easier said than done!haha,,,,,On my stationary I also have another quote to ponder--''THERE IS NO OBSTACLE ON THE PATH TO GET AROUND--THE PATH-IS- THE OBSTACLE.......getting very zen sorry!
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
The path IS the obstacle! That is so true! But that which doesn't kill us does something....oh, makes us stronger! Sometimes I think death would hurt less, huh? But anyway, the path IS quite a ride!
I heard a preacher talk once about today being our present. And like we would do any other present...open it up! While some days I can hardly peel the tape off, other days I rip that baby open! And sometimes we get presents we want and other times we can't see the use of them until later down the road!
That thought helps me to not deny what is happening to me but to use it as something I can learn from and grow from! I am sooo determined not to waste my life. I am not going to wake up one day an old lady and realize I haven't lived yet! I'd rather have an obstacle course path than no path at all!
Thanks Frizzy!!! Much Love, Cheryl
Sometimes I think death would hurt less, huh? But anyway, the path IS quite a ride! I heard a preacher talk once about today being our present. And like we would do any other present...open it up! While some days I can hardly peel the tape off, other days I rip that baby open! And sometimes we get presents we want and other times we can't see the use of them until later down the road!
That thought helps me to not deny what is happening to me but to use it as something I can learn from and grow from! I am sooo determined not to waste my life. I am not going to wake up one day an old lady and realize I haven't lived yet! I'd rather have an obstacle course path than no path at all!
Thanks Frizzy!!! Much Love, Cheryl
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
pink - only you can decide if you want to leave or stay, but the thing is, you're not alone here... we all have had someone we loved change as a result of alcoholism... it's a nasty disease. most of us say "if only he was who he used to be" or "i want him to be the man i fell in love with again" - without realizing that he has changed and it is his choice to stay where he is or change back. some do, some don't. some of us will stay our entire lives hoping they will change, and sometimes it'll work in our favor and sometimes it won't. it's a gamble no matter what you choose, that's the part that stinks.
Grandma - i definitely feel sad... a lot, and i think it's okay. i'll continue to feel sad as long as i let myself - but hopefully i'll get to a point where i don't want to feel that way anymore. we all feel sad about our situations; most of us feel bad for the A in our lives, but it's all something that's beyond our control.
as chero said, what's the point in constantly feeling bad and living in dread? i did (still do) worry myself to death about my A ... what she was doing, whether or not she was drinking, who she was out with, is she driving, why is she doing this to herself, why wont she call me, etc etc etc ... i worry myself so much that my stomach is tight in knots and all i can do is cry, and the next morning, i ask myself why was i worrying? i can't do anything about it. i couldn't stop her from drinking even if i went to every bar in the city of chicago. i get better and better with this each time it happens to me...
not sure where i was going with that, but chero, i admire your spirit and your strength!
Grandma - i definitely feel sad... a lot, and i think it's okay. i'll continue to feel sad as long as i let myself - but hopefully i'll get to a point where i don't want to feel that way anymore. we all feel sad about our situations; most of us feel bad for the A in our lives, but it's all something that's beyond our control.
as chero said, what's the point in constantly feeling bad and living in dread? i did (still do) worry myself to death about my A ... what she was doing, whether or not she was drinking, who she was out with, is she driving, why is she doing this to herself, why wont she call me, etc etc etc ... i worry myself so much that my stomach is tight in knots and all i can do is cry, and the next morning, i ask myself why was i worrying? i can't do anything about it. i couldn't stop her from drinking even if i went to every bar in the city of chicago. i get better and better with this each time it happens to me...
not sure where i was going with that, but chero, i admire your spirit and your strength!
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
In, I'm so sorry about your wife! I go through the same thing with my husband! And sometimes I'm strong...sometimes not! But it seems every day I'm getting better! I owe so much of it to this site and reading the stickies and having a desire for a better way! I'm praying for you and your family! Keep posting!
Cheryl
Cheryl
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
I remember very well the feelings of dread. Dread knowing that he was going to drink again soon, dread of how his mood was going to be when he got home, dread dread dread - and what happened? It just kept happening no matter how I felt.
I'm glad to see that you have recognized that you ruined days of your own life on something that you can't control. The Serenity Prayer really helps me grounded in things like this.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference!
I'm glad to see that you have recognized that you ruined days of your own life on something that you can't control. The Serenity Prayer really helps me grounded in things like this.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference!
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Originally Posted by StandingStrong
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference!
courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference!
And on those days when I just won't listen to reason, please pry my hands off the situation!
AMEN!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Bravo, Chero! My computer monitor died and I was a week without this site. OMG! This place has kept me from calling aorund, driving around, worrying so much and remembering to just let go and let God. These are the truest friends. We are all strong one day and feeling like we have things headed in the right direction, then bam! Square one.
The difference now is that we will all gently help you to your feet, dust you off, and send you back out to continue your own recovery.
My husband has been on a toot since the day before ST. Patticks day.
I have often thought that I will learn someday that the people who post here don't really exist. They are angels. The best part is you don't even have to leave the house. You have a source of strength 24/7 right inside the house.
They can't figure out where the courage is coming from. Our secret.
The difference now is that we will all gently help you to your feet, dust you off, and send you back out to continue your own recovery.
My husband has been on a toot since the day before ST. Patticks day.
I have often thought that I will learn someday that the people who post here don't really exist. They are angels. The best part is you don't even have to leave the house. You have a source of strength 24/7 right inside the house.
They can't figure out where the courage is coming from. Our secret.
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