nevergivingup

This passed week was xabf's birthday. J wanted to call him so we called. No answer. J and I left a message. Xabf never called back. I finally hear from him today. He leaves a nasty message on my voicemail about how I need to call him back immediately. So I of course take my time. Well, just called him back and had ANOTHER argument with him. He wants me to drive J out to him. I'm not doing it! I moved about 10 blocks away from where we lived together. He moved an hour and a half away. Plus, the weather is terrible here. So, he starts going on and on about how he has to drive out to me every other weekend..... well if he lived closer it wouldn't be a big deal and that's what it states in the court order. AND, he's coming out to pick up his son! Not a sack of potatoes! He acts like it's such a chore! So he continues to quack and quack! I just can't believe, all this sober time and he's still quacking. What I really can't believe, is that I still fall for it. It still makes me feel bad! It still guilts me! I stood my ground regardless, but I just can't stand that it still gets to me. I finally said to him, why do you always have an attitude when you're speaking to me? He said it's because I always make him feel bad about everything he does. Well..... he brought me to court because he wanted him from Friday at 6 to Sunday at 6 everyother weekend. But, without fail, every weekend there's a problem! And what do I have to hear..... I have to work all the time! Yet, you're still not paying the child support!!!! And, if you know that you need to be here at 6, why can't you make other arrangments to be here at 6!?!?! Why is it that there's no one else on this planet who can make me as angry and bitter and frustrated as him???? And why.... still... does it get to me???? Argh!!!!!

nevergivingup

Am I being selfish? Should I have just driven him?

teke

maybe its because you are still listening to him quack. sorry never. i agree with you though, if it was that serious for him, he might would be more interested in paying childsupport and figuring out his own way to get to him without all the complaints. after all, its not your fault that he is not living with you guys, its his addiction. maybe its not all about little j, my ah use to try to use stuff like this as an excuse to do what i don't know.

question, are you sure that he's clean and working a program, sounds like he's still blaming you for his troubles. when my ah used to do this kind of stuff, i found it easier for me to not even entertain his junk. hope i'm not out of line here. still praying for ya.

Brownie

Hi nevergingup: I hear what you're saying - so frustrating isn't it. Had to go to look it up but here is a quote I often use to myself by Eleanor Roosevelt "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" She has a lot of good quotes that are worth keeping. I used to keep my finger on the button so they couldn't reply while I was hanging up the receiver. Have you tried a journal?

nevergivingup

I really wouldn't know either way if he was using or not. I only see him briefly everyother weekend. So, anything's possible. I know I need to stop listening to it. The lawyer told me that also. I feel like I have conflicts in every area of my life right now, and I just need him to act civil for one moment. I need him to put his own stuff aside and be a responsible father. And with that sentence I see that my expectations are way too high. And I'm causing my own frustration.

Hi Brownie! I don't journal because I'm obsessive. Journaling just intensifies my obsessing. I do really like the quote!

Cupicake

Never....I don't think your situation is funny and I most certainly do not dare to make a joke of it...but when I read your first post I could feel your frustration and I just kept thinking that your frustration is so very much validated.

It's hard to take demands from people when they are not returning the respect and priviledge that they themselves are seeking. Therefore you have to draw on your boundaries to make situations more livable for yourself.

And then......I read your second post and I couldn't help but chuckle because it was so "codie" but it's the very same thought and question I would've had in your situation.

Our problem is, we are too nice. We allow our emotions and guilt get the better of us and what ends up happening is....we get taken advantage of. Luckily you and I have learned to allow ourselves to feel the guilt but not act on it. But the drawback is that we still feel the guilt and we don't know what to do with it because it makes us question our own decision. I think at that precise moment you have to say to yourself, "Why should I feel guilty when I am doing what is best for me?" "Why don't I also deserve the respect and priviledges that he thinks he deserves?" Then you will have your answer to....Are you being selfish? Because you are not....there is nothing selfish in loving yourself enough to take care of you in the midst of loving and taking care of others.

I think we are often too hard on ourselves and I think often we forget to take care of ourselves so that when it comes time that we make a decision for our own best interest the feeling we get from it is so foreign that we think we are doing something wrong. It's okay to be nice to you.

Hugs to you my friend.

nevergivingup

Awe... Cupi!!! Thank you! Your response really made me feel better!

What made me feel even better..... he called to apologize!!!!! Well, he didn't call to apologize, but called to say the weather was really bad and he didn't think it was a good idea to come out. So I said, "Hmmmm... I do believe that's what I said earlier!" And then he apologized!

I also talked to one of my friends in the meanwhile. It's funny because they get sooo irrate when they hear the things he comes out with. But, what she said was sooo true. He complains about having to come and pick him up everyother weekend. Meanwhile, I drive our son to the babysitter everyday, pick him up from school everyday, drive him to the doctors, drive him to the store to buy shoes, clothes, toys, books, etc., drive him to his playdates, drive him to birthday parties, drive him pretty much everywhere he needs to go, yet I for some strange reason have pity for a man who has to drive to pick up his son everyother weekend.

I think I need the skillet!

lostparent

Just my 2 cents here but I think your friend is right. an after all he is the one that moved farther away from his son. Hang in there an stand your ground, there might be exceptions to the rule sometimes, but you'll know them when you see them. Sounds like you have your head on straight!

greeteachday

Never, I know how lousy the weathe ris now so I'm very glad that neither of you went out on the road.

I have nothing to add but hugs. Cupi said it all and said it so incredibly well. I'm still not sure about how to take that step to no longer feel guilty for treating myself as well as I treat others. I take comfort in knowing that lots of us still struggle with that. And I love you all and know you deserve to treat yourselves well...so I must too...Hmmm, maybe that's a way to make it feel less like being selfish! I don't think you are being selfish at all so maybe I'm not either

Cupicake

Friends are able to put things into perspective.

You do all of those things because it's a part of your life and it is a part of your responsiblity. If you don't do all of that no one will do it for you. So your routines become exactly that...your routines. You don't think twice about it. It is so natural to have to do all of those things. It's not to say that sometimes you won't become exhausted by them but you realize that life goes on and despite your exhaustion you must go on too.

Your exbf didn't have to go through what you went through. He doesn't have to do it all on his own so....hence the quacking. He has probably learned in all his years that a whole bunch of quacking can get people to do things for him. Believe me, I still hear quite a bit of quacking from AH....but atleast it's from afar but it still gets to me too. I don't know how they do it too, get us to feel guilty that is...there must be some kind of hidden message in their quacking. Your exbf and my AH must have went to the same quacking school.

Ahhh...but atleast he realized what he requested was not such a good idea and apologized for it. That's a good step on his part.

lostparent

There are alot of ..quackers...out there an not all of them are addicts.

nevergivingup

Okay, I'm not letting it bother me, but it's been an eventful day with xabf. He started calling around 11:30 this morning saying that he had a blow out on the road and that the mechanic was fixing the tire, but that it would take a while. So, he said he would be here around 2. I argued that he wouldn't, that it would take longer. He got mad. I said, just take your time and get here safe. He called back at 12:30. Said he also needed new brakes. He said the mechanic said it would take about 3 hours. Calls again around 4:30 and says that he's on his way, he should be here in about 20 to 30 minutes.

5:30........ he finally shows up..... with another new girl. WTF?!?!? Now, do I look stupid? I'm letting it go, but really? Does he think that I don't know that he's lying? Each time, he's just talking around and around in circles!

Not that I was going anywhere today, but I basically had to sit around for 6 hours waiting for him to pop in whenever he rolled over here. He's a big duck!!!!!

Trying_in_Texas

Never... so sorry you're going through this.

I understand what Cupi says... we are too "nice". My ex-ABF has been doing everything he can think of to "get me back" this past two weeks, and he is just driving me crazy. He won't respect my wishes. He won't think about what is best for me. And yet I'm sitting here feeling like the meanest person on the planet.