daisylady

Caution: This is long and it is a rant and rave and a feel sorry for myself post

Forgive me, I have not been logged on in quite some time because things have been... kind of good... but today, I am on a very codenpendent path and I need your help!

So, I feel like such a moron. I knowingly married an addict thinking that he was really going to change and that the bond of our marriage and our vows would be strong enough to change him. holly crap was I wrong.

He has not worked all week (he is laid off) and he was doing soo good until pay day which is today. I called and he had "that addict voice" he hasn't picked up the phone since. I call over and over and over and over again (can I say codependency please?) and no answer... I am sure he will have some excuse as to why he didn't answer the phone...

So now I think about leaving becasue he is having a "bad day" or a "slip up" or a "relapse" or whatever you want to call it... But these thoughts I keep having in my head tell me I am just not ready. such as...

1. I have only been married 6 months I can't leave him already
2. My parents spent $10,000.00 on my wedding
3. I got into this mess... I should stay in it for the long haul
4. I don't want to leave my home
5. My Mom's birthday and his Mom's birthday is this weekend and I am going to ruin it...
6. If I leave I will have to keep up the mortgage payment while he is living there so there is no foreclosrue... (seriously I am paying for my addict husband to live in our house??!?!? NO WAY!)
7. The "stigma" of divorce

and much more... so are all of these thougths just excuses to stay? BUT WHY THE HECK DO I WANT TO STAY???? AM I NUTS???? does it really matter what other people think?

AHHHHH i am losing it! what to do what to do....

what I want is someone to tell me: "Tiffany, its ok, its not your fault.. you need to go and get out of this mess. he hurst you over and over and over again and chooses a cocaine over you."

I know I am not his #1 I know that this is no kind of marriage but how do I find the strength to leave?

I am so sad today.

bookmiser

(((((Tiffany)))))

Breathe, sweetie. Just take a minute and breathe.
Feels better to write it out, huh?
You've given lots of great reasons not to leave,
if what you really want is to stay.
You don't have to decide anything right now.
Right now, just try to focus on you for a minute.
You have no control over what is going on with him.
Try to remember that. He was an addict before you married him, right?
So, you didn't cause it.
Lastly, he will be an addict until he is ready to seek recovery for himself.
So, nothing you do or say is going to affect that decision.
That means you can't cure his addiction.
If we could make them stop by going crazy over a high their chasing, we wouldn't be here.
This isn't about him, for the moment.
This is about you. Your survival, your sanity, and your future.
I'm so sorry for the pain and craziness he's causing you.
But you have to let go, and let God guide him to where he needs to be.
You have to keep the focus on you and how to take care of you.
Once you have mastered that...you'll be able to decide if you can live with the addiction or not. Some of us can, some of us can't, and some of us keep trying. It all has to do with what you can deal with or can't deal with.
Try to stay strong, focused, and detached.
We're here for ya and will listen and offer support and prayers when you need them.
Take care,

Btw, It's gonna be okay, and your not an idiot.

teke

ok, "tiffany, its ok, its not your fault.." if you want to only, "you need to get out of this mess, he's hurt you over and over and over again and chooses a cocaine over you."

now i've said it for you, do that make you feel better?

i think that if you had known that addiction was gonna be this hard, then maybe you wouldn't have volunteered for the job, so don't beat yourself up too bad. its really not your fault.i think that you are doing pretty good, at least you know that there is a problem and your reaching out for help.

youre not the only one who thought marriage or love would make the difference. i thought the same thing and its taking me 21 yrs to figure out that this whole thing had nothing to do with me, him, our love or our marriage. its just what addiction does to families. it is a very power force and there is nothing that you can do to help your husband, he has to help himself.
he may even have to hit rock bottom before he even realize that he needs help, but you can get better, you don't have to go down with him. addiction gets progressively worse sometimes before it get better.

i'm sorry about your parents but it really about you and what makes you happy. i've lived my whole life trying to do and be what i thought would make others happy, but what about what i want?

maybe it time for you to pay more attention to what you want out of life, and out of a relationship. for me, my sanity was at stake and i had to learn how to look out for me and allow my ah and other to do the same. sometimes when people don't understand addiction, they can't possible understand what you go through, and sometimes even when you try to explain it they still don't understand, besides they probably only want the best for the both of you.

sorry that you are going through this and i will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Cupicake

hi Tiff...I'm sorry to see you back...and I mean that in a nice way because usually when people come back it's because their addict is causing chaos in their life and it seems yours is doing exactly that.

I really am sorry it hasn't worked out any different for you.

Tiff....it's ok...it is definitely not your fault...you lept in with your heart and the hope that everything will be okay, which is what most of us do....you will decide what is best for you and you will do it because you are stronger than coke and won't let coke overcome you like it has overcome him.

I could understand all of the worries that you have listed above but I don't see in any of the instances where you consider yourself...

You consider how others will feel...you consider how much your parents spent...you consider your husband and letting him stay in the house instead of you staying and AH leaving...you consider how people will view you....and as far as this statement "I got into this mess... I should stay in it for the long haul" hrhmm....When were you deemed the sacraficial lamb?
Nobody has to live with your decision except you. Remember that. Do what you think is best for you...not everyone else.

Yardbird

Tiffany,
It looks like you're already getting great responses from others, but I just wanted to weigh in and reassure you...you're not an idiot. OR, if you are, then I must be too, and so must everyone who ever married an addict!

Your thoughts and feelings are the very ones I've had again and again--my addict has the same DOC as yours, developed her addiction three months after our marriage (I think)...and I've been where you are, thought for thought.

One piece of good news: I learned to regain my sanity. If I can do it, anyone can!

And one bit of advice: If you haven't already, read through the stickies above the forum and start thinking about what boundaries you can create, write down, share with your addict, and really follow through with. My own first impulse was to say "I'm leaving if you ever do this again," but I couldn't do that...and, as it happens, I'm glad I didn't. But when I finally sat down and wrote out boundaries--boundaires I had talked through with others who were in my situation--I had a clear course of action and regained a lot of self respect. Our self respect is one of the things that takes a beating in dealing with addiction--and it doesn't have to.
Take care!

daisylady

Gosh I love this place. People who know exactly how I feel. Thank you.

I mean, I am sure we all wish we were not here... but we are and I am glad that we can all come together.

Everyone has helped me a lot today. I feel like I am doing so well with my codependent behavior and I fall off the wagon. I guess, I fall off the wagon when he falls off the wagon.

You are all right, I know I need to make it about ME, I just have to get there. One good thing- I am at work and I thought about going home to his rescue. But, I am still here, and I am going to go shopping after work, not home to his insane lathargic quacking behavior.

Lots of love to all and thank you again, you give me strength.
Tiffany

hope213

tiffiney, this is not your fault. you should not care what anybody thinks wheather you stay or go.that is your decision.we can not be hapopy living for anyone else.hugs, hope i am praying for you.

Wascally Wabbit

It's only natural to want to stay with someone when you love them Tiff! Even if he's an addict. You didn't cause his addictions either.
Does he recognize he has a problem?
Is he going for help?

daisylady

wabbit-

He has been in outpatient treatment (almost a year ago now) and he kind of went back ;ast month for a relapse prevention program but he doesn't really go anymore.

When he first admitted he had a problem he went and got treatment and was really sorry about everything. Now, he thinks it isn't a big deal because he used to use everyday and now it is only once a month or every two weeks. What he doesn't realize is that he is slipping right back into using every day. He thinks he is "different than other people that go to those meetings (AA NA)" He doesn't like usisng the word "addict" to describe himself.

he is in all sorts of trouble. I feel like he is reverting back to the denial phase...

MsPINKAcres

It's

It's not

It's not your

It's not your fault.

It's not your fault and

It's not your fault and you're

It's not your fault and you're not

It's not your fault and you're not an

It's not your fault and you're not an idiot.

But most of all - it will be ok - you & your HP will be ok - even better than OK.

take2

Tiffany- I am also a returning member at this site. Think I would have learned my lesson with my first husband? Now I have more issues with my second! I am 32 y/o and feel like I make 1 bad decision after another. I am also newly married- 3 months and knew he was an addict when I married him. With that- There is nothing you have done wrong. He is an addict and until he is ready for help it doesn't matter- he WILL use! You really have 2choices- 1. Worry about his life and neglect yourself or 2. Take control of yourself and your life and really start living. Obviously option 1 is what I have have been doing which is why I am on these boards going out of my mind- FYI- not a good option. I think it is time to start the 2nd option and start living for ME!! Taking care of what I can control- my own actions and behaviors. Afterall, you can not control others- you can not make them do what you want them to do. You need to decide what you will put up with and stick to it- easier said than done!

rayofsunshine

There, it's said. LOL
Seriously, you don't have to make any decisions at the moment. Take time to think things through. Maybe make a list of reasons to stay vs reasons to go, and see which side carries to most meaning for you. I'm sorry you are hurting, sending BIG HUGS your way.

Remember, you didnt CAUSE it, you can't CONTROL it, and you can't CURE it.

parentrecovers

it's not your fault, and you are not in any way an idiot. blessings, k

kj0975

Your not and idiot at all your just in love. Its so hard to walk away sometimes harder than staying. Just like the addict has to hit their bottom so do we. You will know in your head and your heart when you have had enough. Start taking care of you and doing things for yourself. You are in NO way an idiot cause if you are then I am and I'm not. Dont beat yourself up, you know that only he can change and you cant change him thats the hard part to remember. Dont worry about what others think they havent walked in your shoes. Only people who have walked in my shoes know what I go through.

wking2change

Also married to an addict...
I have to throw in here that you don't owe anybody anything...I let (i.e.) guilt, fear, and being a goodie-two-shoes rule my life for everybody else's sake for far too long.
I'm certainly not out of the woods, but at least I KNOW better now...and visit SR daily for reminders. :-) And doing that is just part of MY recovery program! I have learned that I can't and won't love my husband to death (via my enabling, controlling, etc.), though - helps me get my head straight when I think about it like that. I've read Ann's sticky about "What addicts do" several times to get perspective. My head still spins a lot, I admit, but I'm working on ME nonetheless and not my AH!
Turn and listen to God. Let HIM lead you insofar as to what to do, say, etc. My prayers are with you.

patchoulli

You are not an idiot. You can love the person, watch for the addict. Please check your finances, maybe get your credit cards out of your name, watch joint checking accounts. Just protect yourself, it will be easier to take precautions and they aren't needed than wait until its too late and you are in the mess. [sorry, waiting to hear from state attorney about his bounced checks from joint acct]

tropikgal2

You are NOT an idiot!! But, gal, even though you don't have to make a decision right now, this very minute......you need to start thinking about how long you will put up with it, and what your boundaries are. Like I told someone else here, life is too short to be miserable. Blink your eyes and 20 years are gone......

greeteachday

Well, Tif, it sounds like it is unanimous...You are NOT an idiot and this is NOT your fault. You are doing good...give yourself credit for the strides you took today. You started to slip in your recovery and you recognized it and took action to pull yourself back up.

It's really okay not to be ready to leave...whatever choice you make in whatever time it takes you to decide, I hope it will be based on you and not what other people think. As a mom, I can tell you that I would be incredibly sad if my daughter stayed in a marriage only because I paid big bucks for her wedding. I know that isn't the only reason you are torn...I just wanted to say that cause I'm absolutely positive that your parents would never put a price tag on your happiness. Same with the "stigma" of divorce. Forget what other people think or do...just keep focusing on you.

The things you chose to do today are all little steps in the recovery road. As you journey forward, you will gain strength and reach a point where whatever choice you make, you will feel comfortable. For some that happens quickly; for others it takes longer, but all of it is fine. I do believe our HP puts us right where we need to be.

I'm sorry for the reasons you had to start posting again, but so glad you feel the love and comfort of being with people who understand. Hugs

notsleepingwell

(((Tif)))

It's really not your fault...and I'm with Greet.....if you were my daughter, I'd happily pay another $10000 just to get you outta there, before there are children to complicate the matter. Now, I'm not saying leave....but....if it were me...I'd be gone!

You have nothing to be sorry for...except for your husband, and what he is willingly giving up to have his DOC, because you sound like a wonderful person. But you deserve a life without all these complications. You deserve to come 1st in someone's life....you are worth it!!!
NSW

P.S. People leave marriages all the time, for all kinds of reasons....yours is one of the most valid IMHO