MsGolightly

this is mostly in response to a post that harleygirl made yesterday, about staying with her husband after he cheated on her... i was wondering for her, and others, how you trust your A again, if you ever do? how do you not remain completely paranoid that they're cheating on you again, or that they're drinking and hiding it from you?

best

Forgiveness and actions.

Forgiveness that my wife gave me and my actions that strive to show her that I can be trusted.
With those two things and time that showed her that my actions are true and real... I have gained back her trust.
Forgiveness and time for her
Working a solid, proper recovery for me

It happens.

Cynay

Cant add much to that because best said it all.

Actions speak louder then words.

un4gvn acts

Forgiveness is not forgetting; it is letting go of the hurt!

harleygirl92156

Hi InThisFor Me.......this says it all......Trust is earned. It takes time and actions that show you can be trusted.
Forgiveness is a choice that takes time and trust is something one earns from another person. Neither is just given freely or shouldn't be anyway.
My husband works a solid, proper recovery program now and most importantly, SO DO I, through Al anon.
If you ask my husband today, and he states it at meetings often, he would not be a happily married man today if not for Al anon.
What did he do to earn my trust, stopped lying, let me know if he was going to be even 5 minutes late, let me know where he was going and when he would be back, is always where he says he will be, is more dependable, helps with chores (sounds trivial, but is HUGE to me), makes sure I get time for myself, takes me on dates, is loving, caring and supportive, not of which happened before sobriety.
I remember not long ago a woman in Al anon was venting a little because her husband never told her he loved her. My questions to her was does he DO anything to show his love and she proceeded to list off dozens of things........ACTION SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!!
As for worrying about them drinking again, that takes time. Not sure where you are in recovery, but two and half years has found me not thinking about it much. I do know that if there is a relapse I have a plan and that gives me security. My plan is not to divorce, but to leave until sobriety, solid sobriety is found again by him. Let it go, stop worrying about it, there won't be a thing you can do about it if he decides to drink again. If he has sobriety and is trying to hide his drinking, you will most likely be the first to know, by his actions. I remember asking the same thing in the aftercare program, and was told "you will know, believe us, you will be the first to know." At the time I didn't under stand that, but today I do. Once you see true sobriety you will know what I mean. It is so different from a dry drunk or white knuckle sobriety, you would know instantly.
My husband was had white knuckle sobriety for the first 9 months, and it sure was a beautiful thing when the true, honest, full fledge sobriety kicked in, I just can't explain the difference, just know there is a HUGE difference.
Find some peace hon, go to Al anon, enjoy today.......if he drinks tomorrow, worry about it then, worrying about it today is only ruining a day that could be joyous otherwise. Today is all we really have for sure. If he is in recovery, working a program and trying, love him for that and love him today.

queenteree

Harleygirl,
What you said is so true. My AH and I had that many years ago when he got sober. My only regret is not making a plan should a relapse happen (which it did). I wasn't expecting it after over 14 years of sobriety. But today I'm all good, and hopefully he gets sober again one day. He still is a kind, gentle, loving man, just an alcoholic. May God bless you and your husband and I wish you all the best.
QT

Nuudawn

Forgiveness is necessary; reconcilation..not always. Forgiveness is about releasing the debt one feels is owed them. When someone has betrayed your trust, you can forgive the transgression but only a fool does not erect a boundary. You do not remain open to be tromped all over again. That serves neither you nor the perpetrator.

I can only speak for myself..but time and space is necessary for true forgiveness. Everybody's emotions have to calmthe heck down before anything can be rebuilt. I have absolutely no idea how that is done within a relationship; others here may have that insight. I know I have to get away from those who have hurt me to the core...physically and emotionally. I need space to heal and care for myself before I can begin to think about even walking near the neighborhood of that person again.

MsGolightly

i guess i just always feel like i'm so gullible, i believe things my A says that aren't true... although i must admit, i more often than not know it's a lie... then there are little things that come up that i find out have been hidden from me - and i'm a pretty perceptive person

my A and i aren't currently together, but i've thought about a future together, once sobriety begins and stabilizes, but i'm afraid i'll always be paranoid and untrusting... perhaps even in other relationships as well

i don't know, just confused, as always

appleblaster

its so true.....its all in the actions. it is the actions that make us distrust and it is only actions that can make us trust again. makes it easier to forgive.....both you forgiving him and him forgiving himself.

StandingStrong

Hmm....trust....now that's a hard one for me.

But what I found interesting in your post (though I understand it's coming from your own personal situation) is that you put the alcoholic and trust together in the same sentence.
Meaning.....that I know many people that aren't alcoholics that I can't trust.

So, what if someone other than your A hurt you. How would you trust them again?
I think that if the drinking is continued - then obviously there is no trust as you won't trust them in the idea of drinking or anything else.

But as was already said - time and actions are the two biggest factors. And what I found for me - is that sometimes I overlooked the actions of those that were trying to earn my trust because 1) I hadn't forgave and 2) I was paranoid. It takes work on ourselves in order to trust others as well as the others that need to earn our trust.

Just my two cents.

Nuudawn

I too have often labelled myself rather gullible. Although I spent years in self deception whilst still drinking...I'm a fairly honest person. If someone tells me they invented "post it notes"...I believe them. I don't lie to others so therefore have a hard time comprehending that people will and do lie to me. It's not gullible...it's trusting based on your own goodness. Vulnerability is a must within ourselves...but remember Mrs. Roosevelt's sage advice:

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.