melbar4

My DH and I have dealt with his alcohol abuse for 15 years now. We have 4 children (11, 6, 4 & 2). He has gotten much worse over the last 2 years because of the added stress of owning his own company, so much responsibility and such. I have laid down so many expectations to him, begging him to love me and the kids enough to, at first slow down drinking and now to completely quit. I have threatened him, tried catering to his every wish, cried, acted disinterested, pitted the children against him, kicked him out then begged him to return, followed him around after he storms out, insisted he see a private counselor, arranged group meetings, attended ALANON on my own, got his parents and my parents involved and anything else I thought may help. BUt now we are at this point. After driving with the children for what I have declared will be the last time, then lying and screaming at me telling me I am F****** crazy when I react to his behavior, he stormed out like he has done so many many times. At 4 in the morning, he calls saying he cant get into the house and after I let him in, he begs for me to put him a hospital. Call his counselor and have him admitted, he cried. So we went and it has been arranged. After he ties up loose end with his business partner (his company is on the verge of bankruptcy and they are in the process of a business loan - can't help but think this is related to the alcoholism), he will be admitted next Tuesday.
My DH's demon is Beer. I used to think there wasn't anyway he could be "addicted" to beer, that a problem came when you went to the hard stuff. I do know better now. He drinks at least a 12 pack a day, guzzles each one in 2 to 3 drinks. He has graduated to tall boys, 12 big tall ones that are slowly ruining my, his and sadly my 4 children's lives. I am trying to be strong and say I will accept nothing less than total sobriety after he comes home. I just don't know if I can ever trust or believe him. He hasn't been totally honest with me in 12 or even 15 years. What if I don't even recognize him? I do worry about the lies. He has lied to me about everything for so long. I love him dearly and have depended on him for so much.
I am so glad to have found this site. A dear friend sent me here. I hope that you all and my family too find happiness.
Thank you,
Melbar4

mallowcup

Four children and a failing buisness....not the perfect enviroment. It's tough to be depended on. It sounds like maybe a detox and rehab might provide him the time out he needs to address his issue with alcohol That's hard to do when there are five mouths depending on your success.
I think he needs to step out of that role and develop some healthier coping mechanisms.
This is a curious post as I have recently realized how much pressure is on me to perform. People say slow down and stop doing so much. The power company does not understand this way of thinking.
Sometimes the best thing to do is STOP.
I'm not making excuses for him, I do understand the pressures of a single income house.
My first knee jerk thought was this man needs to go NOW to a rehab, he sounds like such a candidate to harm himself.
If your wife is disgusted with you, your kids are pitted against you, your buisness is failing, you are coping by drinking and becoming even more depressed...............this gets a person thinking. In this case, I'd get him checked in.

eyes wide open

Welcome Melbar4, Glad you found this site it will help you. You also mentioned going to Aln-non, do you still go? Their Drinking makes us as sick as they are. My AH who i have been married to for 15yrs also does all the crazy stuff. You have to work on your sanity for your self and children. I have been going to aln-non for 4yrs and it sure helps me cope most of the time with what is going on. At least your DH asked for help mine keeps denying he has a problem. keep reading the boards it will help.

mallowcup

Sometimes it helps to see the reality of our choices and our history. I am curious. You had a child 11 years ago when things were pretty good. Five years later you had another child. Then you had one two years later and another two years later with this alchohol issue getting worse all along the way. It seems the two of you were stacking the cards against yourselves. That isn't a judgement. Maybe starrting a business was just too big a risk with too much pressure, too much riding on it's success. Do you think that stress has to do with the increased drinking? Maybe the two of you need to sit down and come up with a more managable situation. A job with regular work hours, a job that ends when you leave and begins again when you return. It seems there's just way too much going on.
Maybe it will be a blessing that the buiness fails before it kills the two of you. There is a beauty in being at square one, it's also called a clean slate where you build again based on what you have learned. I think it's good he is asking for help.

queenteree

Melbar,
Sounds alot like how I was when I first came to SR. Got parents, kids, friends, everyone I knew involved. Begged, pleaded, threatened, nothing worked. Still drinking his tallboys too, about 12 per day. Keep reading and posting here, read the stickies, and even go to the alcoholism site, and you'll start feeling differently. You'll know you're not crazy. Attend Alanon or therapy so you can be prepared for when he comes home. It is going to be a different world, and it will take time, but it will get better. Trust me, myAH was sober for over 14 years before he relapsed, so I went thru the whole detox rehab thing. It takes work, but it's worth it.
QT

ICU

I don't really have anything to add at the moment, but I want to welcome you to SR Melbar4.

Brownie

Just a Welcome melbar4! Sorry to hear your troubles - Glad you could share - Great friend you have there she sent you to a good place - so many here at SR can understand what you are going through - now you don't have to go through it alone.

harleygirl92156

Sure sounds like a judgement to me. You know sometimes babies come when we aren't expecting them, not all babies are planned and even if they were, they are here now and the issue isn't why they had the children, but how to give them the best emotional support under the circumstance facing them now.
Denial is a funny thing, we who live with active alcoholism use it to stay sane.
Only they know why they continued to have children under the circumstances, but to imply they should have had them because of the alcoholism is judgemental, in my opinion.

mallowcup

Yes. I understand it sounds like a judgement. That's why I qualified my statements. I can easily look back and see that some of my actions were in hopes of getting a particular result. Self intospection has been a part of my own recovery.

insights

For your sake, please consider immersing yourself in al anon again. It will help you cope with the chaos of your situation. Read Melody Beattie's Codependent No More, go to several open AA meetings, and read the AA Big Book. You must know as much as you can about alcoholism in order to understand how and why al anon works. Alcoholics lose the ability to choose between alcohol and anything else. It has nothing to do with you or your children. He is reaching out for help, now it is your turn. Learn how to take care of yourself through al anon and you can find peace and serenity in your life. It's not easy and not immediate, but it's a heck of a lot better then chaos. Good Luck and keep coming back.

lilac

Just wanted to extend my welcome to you to SR.

melbar4

I have to say, DH and I tried to get pregnant with our first child for almost five years. We spent nearly all the money my father had saved for my college fund (attended college on scholarship and didn't have to touch much) for 14 years by working a second job. BTW, dad says it is the best spent money ever. I finally got pg with my daughter and then 2 years later we wanted to have another child. Drs didn't give us much chance but we tried again. Spent another boocoodles of money on failed IVF but finally conceived again, with twins. I lost the smaller of the two 16 weeks into the pg but had a big healthy boy. Drs said, OK, you have a 10 to 12 % chance of doing it again "on our own." They were wrong, 19 months later, while nursing my son, I got pg with my third son. The last pg was a very welcome suprise. I love my kids and I sure didn't think that would be an issue on a board like this. My dh loves our children so much too which is why I think it is even more necessary that he receive help. I failed to state that I too have a problem with alcohol. My DH and I used to party like crazy the first 5 years. I drank my self into many blackouts through high school and college and even after my daughter was born. You can't imagine all the beer I would cry into after the many failed cycles while trying to get pg. (why not, they always made me wait a clear month before trying again) When my dd was 2, I found myself in a very bad situation with her and at that point I decided this has to be the end to that part of my life. So I too have the tendency to deal with stress by popping a beer. And I promise you I have much much stress as well. Things have always come easy for my dh. He is an only child (I am as well) that has been spoiled all his life. He does no wrong in his parents eyes and they drink a lot as well. After all, my dh is just a product of his environment. He just does what he has learned. Deals with everything by drinking excessively. I take on all the home responsibilities which is a heck of a lot with 4 children. I volunteer at two of my children's schools on a daily basis and our church as well. My dh does not have an office to report to so he sleeps in all morning while my kids and I run around trying to shuffle them out the door. He regularly wakes up by 11 or 12 and then sits in front of his computer doing his work. THen around 5 to 6 after our children's activities are done and we are about to sit down to eat, he has somewhere he needs to go. He disappears and may be back before the kids go down, he may not. So please understand that I TOO have stress and I TOO deal with the temptation of dealing with it by drinking.
My kids are my life and I love them dearly. Kids are stressful, but they are here. If I had to do it over, I would definitely do it again. After all, I thought this board tells all that "we" don't cause them to drink. My kids have done nothing but be normal wonderful kids. I refuse to think the cards were stacked against us. I believe we both needed to rise to the cause and he hasn't been able to do that - YET. I hope this next step will help that.
Thanks to everyone that welcomed me unconditionally. And Mallowcup thanks to you too. I am sure there are many people sitting back thinking the same thing.
Melissa

AllTooSober

Hello melbar4, welcome to SR!

BigGirlPanties

Welcome Welbar!

You are loved and understood here. Keep posting. We will support you!!

MsGolightly

welcome, melbar! i have no advice or insight to offer at the moment, but i will be thinking about you and your situation.

Cynay

Just want to add my welcome... not much else to say.

harleygirl92156

And it shouldn't be an issue on a board like this!!!!!!

elizabeth1979

Just wanted to say Welcome.
Its a tough road thats for sure.
The book Under the Influence is really helpful, it helped me understand more what the disease is about.
Its been my experience that drinking makes stress worse, not better..but either way you cut it, its a sucky situation...in any event, Im glad you wandered in!

Janitw

Welcome Melissa..... (((((((((((hugs girl)))))))))))))

Janit

hope2bhappy

Hello and welcome melbar4. I'm so glad your husband has decided to enter a treatment facility. I wish him and you the best of luck. Try not to dwell on the what-if's of the future. Just take it one day at a time. If the treatment facility offers a family week, I encourage you to attend. They will advise you on the best way to handle each day.