golden4life

Does anyone have any suggestions about initiating a move out of a shared home with ab? Here is my history.

I first came to this site about a month ago. I left my ab four weeks ago because I hit my breaking point when he (while "in recovery") decided to drink a 12-pack in front of me. Anyways, I took me and my doggie to my mom's, and started posting on this forum a few days later.

I had told my ab that I wouldn't even consider talking with him until he went to an AA meeting, and that we could discuss my moving back when he was squared away with some regular meetings. I was feeling better and better each day I was at my mom's, and became fairly confident that I didn't really want to continue our relationsihp regardless of his attending AA or not.

Then my pup decided to pull a lovely nip at the vet, which I have been told is rather common, especially since we had left his home and regular environment. Anyways, apparently the vet's office has a policy that all bites, big or small, get looked at by a doctor (for worker's comp reasons). And, in my county, any dog bite that gets checked out gets reported. And, finally, reported dog bites result in a 10 day quaranteen to either a suitable residence or a kennel. So, I was left between a rock and a hard place. I could either pay to put my dog in a confined kennel for 10 days (not even really an option both monetarily or emotionally), or have him quaranteened to my listed residence (the house w/ yard my ab and I share). I was not too thrilled.

Fortunately, my ab had attended some AA meetings. But, in all honesty, I didn't have a lot of faith in him staying sober, and didn't want to return. I crossed my fingers that it would be a peaceful 10 days. I did a really good job not concentrating on his recovery...never brought up the topic with him...haven't looked for alcohol...most importantly I've spent my time applying for scholarships because I have decided to get my master's degree.

So...it is 10 days later. My ab went to meetings every day the first few days, stopped going as frequently the next few, and hasn't been for a few. I think he might have had something to drink last night, but I'm not sure. Anyways, I am ready to move out. I know where this road is going. I am so excited about doing my own thing for once. I can't wait to start classes in April. I want the monkey of HIS alcoholism off MY back.

I am having trouble bringing up the 'hey, I'm moving out'. I was wondering if there were any suggestions. I am looking at a storage shed tomorrow, so I've thought about moving most of my stuff before I talk to him. He isn't violent, but I just have a hint of a feeling that he could get confrontational (try to keep some stuff, get overly emotional, beg/plea, accuse). I just don't want to deal with it.

Just wondering how any of you handled the move. Let me know

hope2bhappy

I've never moved out, so I can't advise you with my own experience.

How were you able to move the first time to your mom's? Was that supposed to be a temporary situation? I'm guessing it was and that you left your belongings at the home the two of you shared the first time you moved.

I think I would just tell him that you are moving back in with your mother... you liked it there... easier to concentrate on your studies... etc. He already knows that you have a problem with his drinking, since this was the reason you left the first time. Things are still the same as far as his drinking goes, so he should be expecting you to leave, anyway.

denny57

I changed the locks and he moved.

I think your plan to move your stuff out first and then have a conversation sounds sane.

Good luck and keep posting - he probably will try lots of ways to get you to stay.

Janey_Jump-UP

Been there, done that. My husband had been sober for 18 years, and then went out on RX drugs. I moved out and have never looked back - because I had to watch out for my own recovery.

You don't owe any explanations. Do what you have to do for yourself.

AllTooSober

In my case, I was afraid that confronting my ex-A about my moving out would lead to an ugly confrontation and possibly violence (he'd never been violent to me but I suspected he was escalating in that direction). I was lucky enough that he left town on a quick vacation, and I moved out while he was there and broke up with him over the phone. I hated doing it that way, but I wasn't about to risk my safety by doing it the way I'd have preferred.

In your case, can you get your stuff out while he's out of the house and talk to him about it later, like Denny suggested? That way when you talk to him you can just leave if he gets confrontational.

lilac

I too was afraid of what kind of reaction I would get from my AH....so I moved the majority of my things on a Sunday when he was not home....

I just got the rest of what I wanted from the house on Monday, when he was not home.

There was never any physical abuse with us (tons of verbal and emtional!), but I did not take a chance. I did not know how he might react.

Good luck to you in whatever you do.

golden4life

Thanks,
I am able to move during the day on a weekday because he will be at work and I am not working as I am returning to school.

"I think I would just tell him that you are moving back in with your mother... you liked it there... easier to concentrate on your studies... etc."

This is a great suggestion. For what ever reason, I don't like to play the "blame game", and this just puts it in the context of me seeing more positives in a different environment (rather than focusing on the negatives in the current one). Thanks so much for the suggestions.