cutting off contact is hard/it feels weird
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 149
cutting off contact is hard/it feels weird
i told my husband in a nice email that i thought it was best if he didn't email me anymore- he left me for another woman/wanted a divorce- i'd get emails about once a week saying i miss you, it's hard not being with you, how are you- and then never hear back- i didn't get it- he knows i love him and am heartbroken- he knows i am alone and miss him- he also is in the middle of a new romance- i would get my hopes up when he'd say he missed me, etc., and then realize, no he isn't going to call/he doesn't want to see me or be with me again- telling me he missed me in a casual line or two and disappearing seemed cruel, even if he didn't mean it to be. last time he wrote (last sat) i wrote back, then didn't hear back- so yesterday i wrote saying i thought it was best if he didn't contact me, since i was still in love with him and it touched a lot of raw nerves; i told him that maybe just think before he wrote, and if he didn't really want to see me/have anything to say, maybe it was best not to write. i don't regret my email- but i am really sad because i do love him, and i would have really loved it if he had said, no, i do really miss you and want to be with you... i am embarrassed that i feel this way- it has been 4 months since he's been with this new girl- 2 years since he left (we were seeing eachother for that time)-- what is wrong with me that i miss him, that i am not moving on/getting over him? i am going to a meeting today- i have to let go of the results- i expressed what was in my heart, and i can't control what he does. i am a broken record! i hope i start singing something new- i can't imagine not talking to him, but i couldn't imagine him cheating on me or dumping me, either. onward and upward, but all i feel like doing is sleeping.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Backwoods, PA
Posts: 223
Lillian, don't be so hard on yourself. I understand that you love him. I loved my Abf too, but I have become somewhat numb to that now. We just co-exist. I think it's all part and parcel of being codependent. We want someone to love us and we settle for much less than we deserve.
My ex-husband cheated on me and now he's cheating on his new wife. This is just my opinion, but do you think that he might be trying to keep you dangling in case it doesn't work out with this new girl?
The healing process after being involved with an addict takes quite awhile. It doesn't happen overnight. Just like it doesn't happen for them. I am still codependent. Look at how many times I responded to your last thread?? I am still seeking out approval and am sometimes hesitant on sharing my thoughts. That's codependency!!!
I've gone through depression and maybe that is what's happening to you. It is hard to let go of a dream. Don't ignore the depression. Perhaps you need to get professional help and get counseling or antidepressants. There is nothing embarrassing about getting help. I had to!
Old habits die hard, Lillian!
Take good care of yourself!
God Bless you!
My ex-husband cheated on me and now he's cheating on his new wife. This is just my opinion, but do you think that he might be trying to keep you dangling in case it doesn't work out with this new girl?
The healing process after being involved with an addict takes quite awhile. It doesn't happen overnight. Just like it doesn't happen for them. I am still codependent. Look at how many times I responded to your last thread?? I am still seeking out approval and am sometimes hesitant on sharing my thoughts. That's codependency!!!
I've gone through depression and maybe that is what's happening to you. It is hard to let go of a dream. Don't ignore the depression. Perhaps you need to get professional help and get counseling or antidepressants. There is nothing embarrassing about getting help. I had to!
Old habits die hard, Lillian!
Take good care of yourself!
God Bless you!
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
You might not have been able to get further along in your journey of getting over him and not missing him as much because until you sent that email requesting no contact, you hadn't taken back your power yet. This reminds me of something Dr. Phil would say...why are you letting him dictate your life? (rough translation). By him being allowed to contact you whenever 'he' feels like it, that's exactly what you're doing....you're allowing him to!
That's not a critiscism, really it's not. I think most of us have done that and more. And we continue to do it until we just can't do it anymore. Sounds like that's where you are right now.
Constant contact doesn't allow us time to begin the healing process. Each phone call and email rips that wound open up all over again. In time you may learn to love and miss him less, but you'll never know until you give yourself the time.
I know it's hard, and it hurts. Towards the end of my relationship, I overheard my ex's phone calls to his ex when he thought I was asleep. (When he was drunk, he spoke very loud). Heard all about their plans to meet (yes, he was cheating on me). I caught them together one time too! On one hand he was calling me up at work all the time professing his love, at night he would be on the phone with her doing the same. That's all I'll say about that.
Some people like knowing they have a safety net, a cast and crew of 'extras' hanging around just in case the relationship they are in doesn't work out. It keeps the extras in a very difficult position, but only if they allow it. Personally, I think it's cruel and disrespectful of everyone involved.
Like you said, you stated how you felt and you have to let go of the outcome. But, you also have to mean what you say too. If you don't want contact, then do you have a plan as to how you will handle it when he tries to contact you again?
BTW, sleeping can be very healing; it can also be an escape. Sometimes, that's ok because it's what we need. But it can also be one of the signs of depression, so just be aware of that and if you think you need some help, maybe consider talking to a professional to get you over the hump.
(((Lillian))) I feel for you. But I think you are taking a very positive step in the right direction.
P.S. Grace, I just read your post....funny how alike they are!
That's not a critiscism, really it's not. I think most of us have done that and more. And we continue to do it until we just can't do it anymore. Sounds like that's where you are right now.
Constant contact doesn't allow us time to begin the healing process. Each phone call and email rips that wound open up all over again. In time you may learn to love and miss him less, but you'll never know until you give yourself the time.
I know it's hard, and it hurts. Towards the end of my relationship, I overheard my ex's phone calls to his ex when he thought I was asleep. (When he was drunk, he spoke very loud). Heard all about their plans to meet (yes, he was cheating on me). I caught them together one time too! On one hand he was calling me up at work all the time professing his love, at night he would be on the phone with her doing the same. That's all I'll say about that.
Some people like knowing they have a safety net, a cast and crew of 'extras' hanging around just in case the relationship they are in doesn't work out. It keeps the extras in a very difficult position, but only if they allow it. Personally, I think it's cruel and disrespectful of everyone involved.
Like you said, you stated how you felt and you have to let go of the outcome. But, you also have to mean what you say too. If you don't want contact, then do you have a plan as to how you will handle it when he tries to contact you again?
BTW, sleeping can be very healing; it can also be an escape. Sometimes, that's ok because it's what we need. But it can also be one of the signs of depression, so just be aware of that and if you think you need some help, maybe consider talking to a professional to get you over the hump.
(((Lillian))) I feel for you. But I think you are taking a very positive step in the right direction.
P.S. Grace, I just read your post....funny how alike they are!
Last edited by ICU; 03-13-2007 at 11:52 AM. Reason: Added a P.S.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
Lillian... I went through a love lost situation several years ago. It wasn't until I ended ALL communication that I was able to move on and heal. As long as I kept him in my life -- even in the smallest way -- I found I kept hanging onto the "maybe's" and "what if's". It was never going to be, so I decided to get over it.
Practicing the lion's roar
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 291
I'm facing the same kind of thing lillian. It *does* feel weird to cut off contact from somebody who was a big part of your day for such a long time, but I'm finding that it's hard enough to move on even without the contact. I don't want to imagine how hard it would be if I had to talk to him still. Hang in there dearie!!
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Upper Kolobia
Posts: 153
It's Grief, and Separating From an Addict . . .
Is already an "incomplete and unfinished" act. I lost someone I was really close to once from death, and and all honesty, it was "easier" (although certainly more painful) than most of the break-ups of addictive relationships I've gone through. What made it "easier" was a lot of decisions were made for me, and there was a finality there wasn't available with the others. And yes, I told God to go to hell for a long time . . . I think He understands, though . . .
Repeated contact just kicks one back into the "bargaining" stage of grief, that mindf---ing "What if? If only . . ." grinding of the head and gut that are part of the process. Depression is a natural part of the process as well.
The most growth I did in recovery was to get out of a really sick situation and stay out long enough (I was in both group and private therapy at the time) to get a handle on what it was from my childhood that was kicking me back into those situations. I had to be separate long enough to raise stuff from my unconscious to my conscious level (yes, it involved childhood shame for you John Bradshaw fans out there).
Many addicts keep a "laundry list" of people in their heads that they can fall back on and use unfairly to validate their sick stuff (or "rescue" them if they create a crisis). So not only are you being used, you're helping keep them sick and dysfunctional as well, and doing your part to perpetuate the problem.
Sorry if this sounds tough, but it's the way things are. I do understand the forces operating, and in many ways they're as powerful as an alcoholic's need for a drink or an addict's need for a drug. And like the alcoholic, sometimes it takes a helluva lot of pain for us to quit putting our thumb where the hammer is striking.
I wish you well.
Repeated contact just kicks one back into the "bargaining" stage of grief, that mindf---ing "What if? If only . . ." grinding of the head and gut that are part of the process. Depression is a natural part of the process as well.
The most growth I did in recovery was to get out of a really sick situation and stay out long enough (I was in both group and private therapy at the time) to get a handle on what it was from my childhood that was kicking me back into those situations. I had to be separate long enough to raise stuff from my unconscious to my conscious level (yes, it involved childhood shame for you John Bradshaw fans out there).
Many addicts keep a "laundry list" of people in their heads that they can fall back on and use unfairly to validate their sick stuff (or "rescue" them if they create a crisis). So not only are you being used, you're helping keep them sick and dysfunctional as well, and doing your part to perpetuate the problem.
Sorry if this sounds tough, but it's the way things are. I do understand the forces operating, and in many ways they're as powerful as an alcoholic's need for a drink or an addict's need for a drug. And like the alcoholic, sometimes it takes a helluva lot of pain for us to quit putting our thumb where the hammer is striking.
I wish you well.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
i, too, was left for someone else (someone who appears to be okay with my A's drinking)... i'm having a hard time drawing the line between what is my ex's "alcoholic" behavior and what is just her... more simply, did she find someone else who would be okay with her drinking, or did she just find someone else?
regardless, it hurts too much, so i'm letting go too. i'm with you, lillian! i feel totally empty without having her around me or knowing i can call her. it's comforting to know i'm not the only one struggling
regardless, it hurts too much, so i'm letting go too. i'm with you, lillian! i feel totally empty without having her around me or knowing i can call her. it's comforting to know i'm not the only one struggling
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
At first I did no contact for myself. Over time, I've come to believe it is one of the most loving things I've done for AH, too. AH knows I loved him. I no longer feel the need to prove it by behaviors that also only keep him in his sickness.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 149
i don't have a plan for what to do if he contacts me, but thanks for reminding me that i should think about it. honestly, there is part of me that doesn't want to be out of touch with him/get over him because i don't want him to get over me. i am in denial though of the present, which is that he chose to leave me-- he already has gotten over me. i don't know if he is keeping his options open- i honest don't understand him at all. he asked me when he was leaving me if i knew he loved me- "you know i love you, right? right?" it seemed so important to him/he seemed so earnest- but it gets harder and harder to say yes- i really don't know that he loves me, or loved me, because of the cavilier way he has treated me/leaving me. well,thank you all for your thoughts and experience- i will read them again and again.
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Originally Posted by denny57 
AH knows I loved him. I no longer feel the need to prove it by behaviors that also only keep him in his sickness.
) that if I stop what I'm doing then I'm saying I don't love him, but that's not true. Good point, Denney.
Thanks!
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: phoenix arizona
Posts: 741
Looks like we're about to have a party on the no-contact cruise ship!
I'm aboard, too. When we start to second guess ourselves, just keep posting here. Someone will remind us we're on the right course!!
I'm aboard, too. When we start to second guess ourselves, just keep posting here. Someone will remind us we're on the right course!!
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
I had been trying to cut off contact for months but couldn't do it until he was arrested, lost his license, etc. I hate to say anything positive about an event that has cost him so much difficulty, but I must admit that it made my life a lot easier.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 149
well, the thing is, i would like to talk to him- would love to talk to him- would love to sleep with him, be his wife again-but that isn't what he wants, and i can't be strung along anymore- i have too many scrapes from being strung along already, so i have to cut the string. boy is it hard for now... just for today (and yesterday, and the day before, etc.) it is really hard, but maybe tomorrow... a petty thing here: he gets the chicks! he is charming, and has room in his life for a new relationship-- what's wrong with me? i am struggling to make casual friends and make it through the work day... i want my charm back... i know, the focus on me... thank you all, and goodnight.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
lillian, i know how you feel all too well, unfortunately 
i know how everyone on here is so annoyed that their A calls them after the no contact started... but i would love for my A to call me, to even make some kind of an effort to know that she's still thinking about me, even if i don't want to talk! i hate feeling like she's moved on and doesn't even think about me anymore...
i used to have many, many friends, and i neglected them while being with my A... i'm working towards getting that back and having the courage and strength to branch out and make new friends wherever i can... but it's hard!
i know how everyone on here is so annoyed that their A calls them after the no contact started... but i would love for my A to call me, to even make some kind of an effort to know that she's still thinking about me, even if i don't want to talk! i hate feeling like she's moved on and doesn't even think about me anymore...
i used to have many, many friends, and i neglected them while being with my A... i'm working towards getting that back and having the courage and strength to branch out and make new friends wherever i can... but it's hard!
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