JessicaNAJ

G's been clean/sober for a few months now. He went to a court ordered 8 hour AA type meeting and said it was inspiring (this coming from a man who, in the past, said he knew all he needed to know and don't need AA). He got his income tax money and bought my kids their christmas/birthday gifts. He's been around every weekend since he got out of jail and really seems to be trying to better himself. He even got his license back and is going to attempt to get a CDL.


I have come to terms that G is not the person me and the kids need him to be. I came to terms that he will not get better. I made the choice to file for divorce and move forward with my life. I started my son in counselling so he could deal with his feelings about his dad not being around. I battled my codependancy and I'm doing pretty damn good too!

Why, after all this fighting to get to where I am today, does he have to get better? Don't get me wrong, I'm extremely happy for him......it just confuses the heck out of me. Why is NOW the person I need him coming back?

I'm going forward with the divorce. I just can't shake this feeling that all of this is just temporary. Actions speak volumes. And, honestly, he's not even quacking anymore.

ugh....I'm so confused.

embraced2000

hi jess...goood to see you again....hon, you don't have to make any decisions yet. if you need to take a year off from making decisions, that's way ok.

maybe he will change, maybe he won't....but you don't hve to move forward with this big change if you are not comfortable with it.

chero

Jessica, It's a tough decision you have made and only time will tell. Trust your gut! Time answers a lot questions! Be strong!
Love and prayers! Cheryl

WantsOut

Hi Jess-

When I first asked him to leave and told him I wanted a divorce, the same thing seemed to happen to us. He seemed to be getting sober. He was kicking butt at work - making tons of money and getting promoted. He was living quite high on the hog while I was busy getting rejected by an old lover and getting fired from my job. Nice. Real nice.

Not that I wanted them too, but just as you suspect, it was all an illusion. He's in debt up to his eyeballs. Got a DWI and is in big trouble. His life is falling apart.

I pray he really does find sobriety one day tho. For himself.

FormerDoormat

You don't sound confused to me. You seem to be well aware that this could only be a temporary reprieve. And you are standing strong in your desire to move forward with your life and to protect you and your children's serenity.

Nope, you don't sound confused at all. Glad to see you. I've missed you.

denny57

Jess, I'm glad you are taking care of you and your kids and getting better every day. Remember - this is what we always talked about. Nothing changes until something changes. It's very possible G will continue on in his recovery. Maybe not. What's important is that you took care of you and are feeling so much better about yourself. Whatever comes at you down the road, with or without G, YOU have done the hard work. Let him do his.

Much love.

JessicaNAJ

You guys bring tears to my eyes.....I've missed you all soo much Thanks you SR for being here.

Pick-a-name

Hi,Jessica...great to see you again!

Glad to hear about G and you sound great. Follow your gut and I am sure your answers will come in their own time. As I have seen many times (here and in my own life) "more WILL be revealed".

Hope you'll be able to check in more often;I've missed you.

p.s. Thanks for the reminder that "nothing changes if nothing changes".

AllTooSober

HI Jessica, it's good to hear from you again! I think you're right on track with this. He may seem to be getting himself together, and I hope for his sake that it's true, but he needs to keep it up for longer than this before I'd believe it's a permanent change. Good for you for not being convinced prematurely!

mallowcup

You don't need to trust him anymore, that's a great feeling. I think it's normal to not want to take that risk, you don't need to. You've created a stable environment for your kids and yourself. It can and will remain uneffected, your ex doesn't determine the climate in your house anymore. That is also worth a million bucks. It might be temporary, his changes. You simply aren't willing to risk it. I don't blame you.
You aren't taking his poop anymore and therefore you have become somewhat a conquest all over again to him. We always wonder if this is the reason for the effort and once they have you back, or you let them back in, they win. In our hearts it can feel that way, be reduced to that feeling of either allowing ourselves to be influecned or not. If there is even a chance he would use you to stablize his own life, you won't be used. I think it all boils down to taking risks you aren't willing to take anymore. Good Luck, you have come so far, I'm very proud of you!

hope2bhappy

To me, this is an example of how they are more likely to find their sobriety if we leave them alone and focus on ourselves. Jessica, you are an inspiration to everyone here. I wish you the best.

JessicaNAJ

I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't lived it.

elizabeth1979

Jess, interesting.
I dont think you sound confused either.

Sometimes, people just change. I know Ive changed, personally. I know I am not the same person I was and that my ex's sobriety (I think I forgot to mention that on the board until now) is something I am grateful for and thank God for. But, something inside me changed while I was (and am) getting well.

I still love him. I will always want good and blessed things for him. I just dont want them with him anymore. I cant stay well around him.....Im not able to be who I want to be around him. Period. Someone else may see him differently. Someone else may not have the history I had that makes it impossible for me to just let it be and take one day at a time. I just cant. Theres too much hurt there for me.

Maybe it will be a permanent thing for him. Maybe hes reached his limit. Maybe not. Its about you, though. You have the right to be happy Jess.

One day at a time is all you gotta commit to..its alot to handle hon.
Hugs

Sunflower

My Thoughts and Prayers are with you...