reaching_out

I seem to have angered my xagf (who is still in my life through the grace of unseen forces). Two days ago, I decided to give her the cold shoulder, after some events this previous week.

I decided that, like everyone else I know, I would do what I wanted. And I did not want to talk to her this past weekend. So, she has tried to reach me by phone 4 times since then, concluding with a text message that begins, "Fine I get..." (I have not read the rest of it, expecting it to be hostile, mean, and likely insulting. I also question my ability not to react to it.)

I can see that I was dishonest: I did not clearly set a boundary with her. But I seem to keep getting drawn back into her life, and I don't want to be there. Every time I am with her, she picks a fight. She tells me that I am not her boyfriend, but I seem to still to do boyfriend things for her (errands, groceries, etc.) at her request. I am sick of it, yet the only effective tool that I have in my toolbox for dealing with her seems to be silence.

Has anyone else been in this situation?

best

Yup

The boundary setting needs be set with "you"
She will do what she will do. You need set a boundary for yourself.
I will not...

Takes some inner courage but it can be done.
There are times we need to "man up" so they say and do what we should.
A good place to start is with self.
I will not allow myself to put myself in a situation that I don't want to be in.
I will be as kind to myself as I try to be to others (codie turned inward at self)
We need take care of ourself.
It can be done. It does take some effort and courage at times but most of all it takes us believing that we are worth it...Do something nice for you today.

best

ps

the cold shoulder

That is a man thing that most of us do but it doesn't fix anything. It just moves the problem aside till another time. I find that there is the area we need pull up some courage and step forward as we deal with an issue rather then side-step an issue. Still learning this one myself but I am improving.

Lithloren

Great job at looking at your part! As far as "tools" that you have at your disposal, "silence" is great! When I broke it off with my Ex-now Recovering ABF I had to use silence. All the discussions we had had not changed anything. Silence was the only thing that allowed him to sit with his own thoughts rather than hearing mine. Once he could hear his own thoughts the messages changed to what his part in our relationship problems were and he came up with a plan of recovery for himself. I never had to say a word!

Silence is a great tool, plus it allowed me to think about my life too!

Good Luck!

Lithloren

LivingWithHope

You have to do what works for you..for me personally, I had to make sure the boundaries were set...we would only talk about such and such and when the conversation started getting heated (from either end) or if he was trying to cross the boundaries set the conversation was over. Maybe it would be a good idea that before the silent treatment you let her know the boundaries and that if she crosses them then that's when the silence begins. Just a thought. Keep concentrating on yourself!!! Blessings.

teke

silence to a certain extent worked for me. for so long i had talked and talked and talked and my ah heard nothing. like you, talking seem to always create a senseless arguement. it came time for me, to stop taking and allow my actions to speak for me. sometimes, i just didn't have anything else to say or i didn't want any conversation to leave me hurting, or feeling bad about me, i want to heal and to learn to feel better about myself. sometimes, emotionally, i just couldn't take the coversating so i would wait until i felt stroung enough to talk and i didn't feel guilty about doing that. i had to do what was best for me, and a some of the time, talking to my ah was doing me no good. it became all about me, selfish maybe, but i had to look out for my own emotional well being. praying for ya.