tuffenuff

I learned something new. Well, ABF blows his top again......and after
some time spent trying to diffuse him and get him to go to bed...he kept getting up and re-starting the argument or starting a new one......he started to try to wreck our computer (his computer) threw the keyboard.....tried to throw the monitor etc......
I grabbed the cell phone and told him to stop or I would call the police. He grabs the phone and says "here, I'll do it for you." And he did. They called back and talked to me, I explained what was going on. They sent 2 officers over, who basically told me that he could destroy the whole house if he wanted to....and if i wanted tooo I could too. No crime there.
I have been put in my place and he has permission from the cops to destroy as much as he likes

Sunflower

WHAT???? I think the police mean you have the right to do whatever you want to in your own home with your own property as long as no one is getting hurt by it.... Now if he assaulted you they would have arrested him..Tell me whose home is it?yours or his? and how long do you think it will be until you learn that your face may be replaced by the computer during one of his fits???

tuffenuff

Yes, that is exactly what they meant. Both of our names are on the lease, which by the way has expired so we are now on a month to month verbal with the homeowner , as I had requested from the homeowner.
I have been through physical abuse before (not with current ABF) and that is why I am not taking these drunken tirades lightly, although physically I doubt he could or would take it to that level. He isn't normally violent AT ALL and is smart enough to not want to get arrested for domestic violence. Regular
nice catholic boy, although alcoholic.

DesertEyes

Hey there tuff,

You have the right to live anywhere you want. You have the right to live with a crazy man who destroys the whole house if you want to. You have the right to stay in a terrible situation, and endure all the insanity if you want to.

The real issue is not why he destroys the whole house. We all know why he does that, he's an alcoholic and that's what alcoholics do.

The real issue is why do _you_ want to live there? The cops won't stop you from living with this man. They also won't stop you if you decide to leave.

Now would be a good time to decide if the cops were right and you are living in the place you want, or maybe you can decide that the cops were wrong and that you do not want to live in that place anymore. If you need a little support in making your decision here's a few threads that other people have written on that subject.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html

Whatever you decide, know that I am praying for you today and every day, and that you are welcome to share with us every day regardless of what you decide.

Mike

laurie6781

That I am sorry to say is a contradiction. After that statement you need to add a big YET.

Mike really said it all. The decision is yours. I have a question for though:

Why would you want to stay in a situation like that, walking on eggshells, never knowing when it might be YOU he beats on instead of the computer or wall?

J M H O

Love and hugs,

embraced2000

hi tuff....not only is the alcoholism progressive, so is the anger and violence.

each incident, just stepped up a little bit. and a bit more. and then a bit more.

you have choices, tuff.....you do not have to live with this sort of treatment or dishonor.

he is an out of control alcholic and he will do what he will do. but what about you?? what are you doing for yourself?? have you thought about going to al-anon?

going to al-anon possibly saved my very life when i found myself butt deep in an abusive, alcoholic marriage.

please take care of yourself
love to you
jeri

chero

Oh Tuff, I've been where you are...thinking he is 100% not a violent person. He did tear up one of the garage doors, the back door(twice), the dining room wall, the yard light, on and on...my not violent AH...and let me see what else...oh yeah, me! My would never hit me ever in a million years AH hit me recently, just once, and has now threatened it ever since. Was he sorry the next day? Yep. Did it change me? Yep. Am I over it? No way. I can't get passed it. Every time he drinks I wonder is it going to happen again? I even wondered what I did or could have done to prevent it or stop it and I have no answers.
All I know is it does seem progressive. I never thought he would and he did.

embraced2000

i never thought my xh would, either. but he did. and it kept getting worse and worse.

<<<<<<<shivers>>>>>>>> i'm so grateful i don't have to live like that anymore.

MsGolightly

i'm going to have to agree with anyone else. my A was only violent once, when drunk, we were actually both physically violent with each other... me trying to calm her down, her trying to kick me out... but as i look back on it now, i think to myself, is that really the life i want to lead? do i really want to be with someone who thinks they can destroy my property? hurt me? make me feel scared of them?

sometimes i really have to take a step back and decide what it is i truly want and whether or not i'm getting it.

Bjen

I found out that too. My A lived here, in MY house. That is all they need. He can wreck whatever he wants. He can even threaten to kill my dogs (which is why the cops got called, I was away on vacation). So, he did go to jail but because he was drunk and on parole (violation) is what they took him for. The cops wouldn't even come in the house. I was on the phone with them and they wouldn't come in because A was passed out cold. My mom went in and woke him up and handed him to the cops. The only thing I wanted was my dogs. I could have cared less if he burned that house down at that point I was so scared about my dogs (who were fine). But isn't that amazing!! My house was trashed.
Also as had been said before, he hadn't laid a hand on me in ten years, after he got out of jail we got back together again but this time he woke up from sleeping it off, pulled me off the couch while I was talking to his mom and brother on the phone, just chit chat, he came out and I said HI to him and he pulled me up and beat the hell out of me. I knew I was small but never realized how small. I had no chance to fight back. I was so scared. AFter he slammed my head into the floor I pretended to be knocked out so he would stop. Do you know what he did then? He DRUG me to my room and laid me on the FLOOR!!! Called my friend and told him to come get me (he thought I was cheating on him with that friend). I finally got up and thought he would calm down, as he started packing his things i got my wits about me and with all the phones then broken I ran for the car with my purse, keys and little dog in arm. The big dog ran behind. He chased me!!! Like a horror movie!! Absolute black, cold eyes. I went to his sisters house and she had thier brother take him home. SO it does escalate. You said you've been there before. So if anything, beware and on gaurd and have a plan to get out if you get scared. Don't stay and don't try to fight. When they get crazy you can't stop them and you can't hurt them!!! Please take care.

Kellye C

Ok, sounds to me like it is time to pack an emergency bag and keep it near you at all times. Basically you get a change of clothes, if you have kids get them clothes too (diapers, formula, bottles, water as well). It is not a bad idea to keep your gas tank full and a map in the glove box.

He hasn't hit you ..........yet. He is becoming violent when drunk. Seems to me the next natural progression would be to put his hands on someone to show how "tough" and "macho" he is.

Hope this helps! Hang in there and make some decisions fast!
Kellye

mallowcup

We own a rental house/large colonial house divided into two upstairs/downstairs apartments. If you are going month to month on a verbal agreement, I'd start looking before you get evicted. You will get evicted. I won't rent to folks who put holes in the walls, disturb the neighborhood and become a problem for me.
The damage far outcosts the rent. We can put up with it, others don't have to.

dobiediva

My exabf was never violent either but about a month ago he threw a drunken tantrum which ended up with him kicking a fan at my dog, punching the mirror off of my car, trying to break down my door...it was so scarey! I hadn't ever seen him lose his temper before this. He was always so mellow and quiet. Very laid back. But the drinking was getting worse and more frequent. He was getting into bar fights, damaging property, fighting with his drinking buddies. I could see it was escalating. I didn't want to take the chance of his next target being me so I broke it off with him. we have continued to talk and it continued to get worse. After he wrecked his car last week (he finally did admit he WAS drinking--a couple beers--we all know what THAT means) he told me he was going to stop drinking completely and seek help. Now I feel like I need to support him in that decision even tho' I know it will probably fail miserably again. But even with him TRYING I'm still afraid to allow him to have physical contact with me. The fear is still in my mind. He always says he could never hurt me but the SOBER man isn't in control when alcohol is involved. And I honestly believe the DRUNK could hurt me--maybe kill me! That scares the hell out of me! Be careful. I would like to believe that this time he can actually do it, but I fear for my safety enough that I will watch from a distance and hope for the best but prepare for the worst!!

Missy

I did the same and the police took him away. He was emotionally violent and that is also DV in the eyes of my county.
He did shove me a bit too. Then he kept calling me on my cell phone. Every minute or two for at least 1/2 hour...
they then charged him with stalking me.

Now he is on a 90 day no contact order from the court and will need heavy probation with rough conditions.
So I wasnt the bad guy here... it was the police. AH doesnt remember anything at all. Was in a blackout... but my scare is.... will he remember when he kills me or someone else???
missy xo

un4gvn acts

This is something that I have learned in Al Anon.
An alcoholic when drinking/drunk can't understand english It is like we are speaking a different language a language that they do not understand. When my AH was drunk and wanted to start a fight - I shut my mouth. I held up my hand and said i choose not to have this argueement with you, I'm choosing not to argue with you ... if that doesn't work I go to another room and if that doesn't work them I leave the house for a drive.

Sunflower

Sometimes even when they become sober they are violent still--sending you prayers