paranoid or pattern developing in teen girl?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Happily ever after...
Posts: 163
paranoid or pattern developing in teen girl?
I am very concerned about my adolescent daughter and some of the choices she is making in "friends" (boyfriends) lately. I think I am seeing a pattern developing and it scares me to death. She has always been well liked by her peers. I always admired her and felt she was true to herself even at a very young age. She liked people because she liked them. She had friends in this click and that click she really never cared what anyone thought. When I would ask her why she did not like "julie" and her best friend did, she says something like "julie" lies, and talks about her friends behind their backs I don't want a friend like her. She never ever got caught up in that stupid girl B.S.! I never ever worried about her socially and the choices that she made regarding friends.
O.K. now, enter the new boy. In the beginning it was cute they would talk on the phone and see eachother at school. She was so excited and I was happy for her. Red flags for me came up at Christmas. He gave her a gold heart necklace(it was real I checked). I did not want to ruin it for her, but I could not help thinking where did such a young boy get this and why would he give a gift like this? They had only been "going out" for a few weeks at this point. I would have felt better with a stuffed animal. Much more appropriate I feel. I am probably old fashioned(like she says). I did not say much about the gift I just told her it looked nice on her. I then reeled her in a bit. I hoped it would die on it's own. It has been off and on now since. I have asked her to invite him over or have a get together with friends and invite him. She yes'es me and then never does. I have never met him and I do not want to judge him. Maybe, he is a nice boy, like she says.
The past month or so the relationship has been pretty intense. I am beginning to hear and see things that are causing me great concern. He appears to me, needy, for lack of a better word. Several times I have told her to hang up the phone. School nights at like around 10pm. She hushes me and tells me he is upset and he needs to talk. She tells me I don't understand. He has a bad family life. He is always in trouble at school. He got suspended. It's never, ever his fault ... ALERT.... ALERT... MAYDAY...MAYDAY...
Her grades have fallen. Her spark and spirit that used to be seen on a daily basis have become intermittent to say the least. She seems to only be happy when things between them are good.
Am I being paranoid? Overreacting? Overprotective? Is this normal adolescent behavior? Is she a codie already? Is she to young for me to worry about this? If I forbid her to speak or see him isn't he then the forbidden fruit?
O.K. now, enter the new boy. In the beginning it was cute they would talk on the phone and see eachother at school. She was so excited and I was happy for her. Red flags for me came up at Christmas. He gave her a gold heart necklace(it was real I checked). I did not want to ruin it for her, but I could not help thinking where did such a young boy get this and why would he give a gift like this? They had only been "going out" for a few weeks at this point. I would have felt better with a stuffed animal. Much more appropriate I feel. I am probably old fashioned(like she says). I did not say much about the gift I just told her it looked nice on her. I then reeled her in a bit. I hoped it would die on it's own. It has been off and on now since. I have asked her to invite him over or have a get together with friends and invite him. She yes'es me and then never does. I have never met him and I do not want to judge him. Maybe, he is a nice boy, like she says.
The past month or so the relationship has been pretty intense. I am beginning to hear and see things that are causing me great concern. He appears to me, needy, for lack of a better word. Several times I have told her to hang up the phone. School nights at like around 10pm. She hushes me and tells me he is upset and he needs to talk. She tells me I don't understand. He has a bad family life. He is always in trouble at school. He got suspended. It's never, ever his fault ... ALERT.... ALERT... MAYDAY...MAYDAY...
Her grades have fallen. Her spark and spirit that used to be seen on a daily basis have become intermittent to say the least. She seems to only be happy when things between them are good.
Am I being paranoid? Overreacting? Overprotective? Is this normal adolescent behavior? Is she a codie already? Is she to young for me to worry about this? If I forbid her to speak or see him isn't he then the forbidden fruit?
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Perfect (unhealthy) codie behavior.
You are the parent...time to set boundaries.
Boundaries don't need be a No! seeing him.
Untill I meet him..no more.
On school nights...no phone after... Your grades are slipping.
On weekends...No phone after....
On going out with friends... When, where, and what time she must be home.
Al Ateen may give her some insight into codie behaviors and the understanding that we can't fix others.
You are the parent...time to set boundaries.
Boundaries don't need be a No! seeing him.
Untill I meet him..no more.
On school nights...no phone after... Your grades are slipping.
On weekends...No phone after....
On going out with friends... When, where, and what time she must be home.
Al Ateen may give her some insight into codie behaviors and the understanding that we can't fix others.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
The part about the necklace gift he gave her and you thought a stuffed animal would have been more appropriate, well, yeah, a little over-reacting/protective maybe, if that were the only concern.
However, maybe it wasn't the gift that was actually bothering you, but your gut feeling/mother instinct talking to you instead! Now you say her grades are slipping, and she's not herself. That could be teenage / first love stuff, but, it could be something more.
Maybe if you could get her to talk to you about what is bothering him (as she says he has problems) you might get a better understanding of the situation. The more you 'seem' interested and want to help, perhaps the more she will open up to you.
Either way, you are the parent and you have the right to monitor/limit their phone calls/activities, etc. I would just suggest one thing....remember how you felt when you were her age and keep that in mind as you talk to her. Now is not the time to lose communication with her.
However, maybe it wasn't the gift that was actually bothering you, but your gut feeling/mother instinct talking to you instead! Now you say her grades are slipping, and she's not herself. That could be teenage / first love stuff, but, it could be something more.
Maybe if you could get her to talk to you about what is bothering him (as she says he has problems) you might get a better understanding of the situation. The more you 'seem' interested and want to help, perhaps the more she will open up to you.
Either way, you are the parent and you have the right to monitor/limit their phone calls/activities, etc. I would just suggest one thing....remember how you felt when you were her age and keep that in mind as you talk to her. Now is not the time to lose communication with her.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
My daughter was involved with a boy we did not approve of when she was about 16 through age 18. I can tell you that (even though we were the parents) nothing we did stopped this relationship. Getting her to put him down was like trying to get an alcoholic to put the bottle down. Nothing worked. She finally ended the relationship on her own. Now she is married to a great guy and they have a beautiful daughter.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Happily ever after...
Posts: 163
I know "true love" at her age can be very intense. I remember. I was not born at 30 like she thinks. I quess I am scared because looking back at my history with realtionships. I began like this. Always seeking out the bad boys, the troubled and misunderstood boys. I thought I was like Mother Teresa or something. I was going to save the world.
I mysellf have never been in a heathy realationship I have nothing to compare it to. I am not sure if this is "normal". I have set limits for her in regard to her contact with him. I do not blame her lack of phone time on him. I tell her if she brings up her grades she will get more time on the phone.
Like I said I don't want to make him the forbidden fruit.
I know children learn what they live, I am scared she is going to end up like me..... like my mother...... and on and on it goes......
We have an appt. with a therapist next week.
I mysellf have never been in a heathy realationship I have nothing to compare it to. I am not sure if this is "normal". I have set limits for her in regard to her contact with him. I do not blame her lack of phone time on him. I tell her if she brings up her grades she will get more time on the phone.
Like I said I don't want to make him the forbidden fruit.
I know children learn what they live, I am scared she is going to end up like me..... like my mother...... and on and on it goes......
We have an appt. with a therapist next week.
Bittersweet
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Stockholm
Posts: 165
Nonono.. youre overreacting. Sure you can tell her school first and that she has to keep her grades up. But you cant forbid her to be with this guy. Its teenlove.. They are teenages feelings are up and down and everywhere, it would be even if she wasnt going out with him. I think it would be better if you met him, ask her again if she can invite him over sometime.
My parents never forbid me to be with any of my boyfriends, even tho i knew they didnt like some of them they never told me that they didnt. Infact my dad never liked any off them, haha. Its innocent teen love. My mom always told me that i should stick with one boyfriend for too long cause "you need to have fun, and you need to 'practise' relationships. You need to find out what kind of guys you like, what you need and what you dont need and want". But she also told me that "noone will be worthy enough for your kids, you will always think they deserve the best". But i know i would go insane, totally mad, if they said they had to "approve" who i was in a relationship with.
I think you should relax a bit, she sounds like a great girl. Smart and honest. Im sure she will be ok.
My parents never forbid me to be with any of my boyfriends, even tho i knew they didnt like some of them they never told me that they didnt. Infact my dad never liked any off them, haha. Its innocent teen love. My mom always told me that i should stick with one boyfriend for too long cause "you need to have fun, and you need to 'practise' relationships. You need to find out what kind of guys you like, what you need and what you dont need and want". But she also told me that "noone will be worthy enough for your kids, you will always think they deserve the best". But i know i would go insane, totally mad, if they said they had to "approve" who i was in a relationship with.
I think you should relax a bit, she sounds like a great girl. Smart and honest. Im sure she will be ok.
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
As the mother of an "ardent" young man myself I would say watch the situation and talk to her when you can do so in a way that won't threaten her sense of autonomy, but keep your hands off.
Their feelings are intense - it's their first solo love relationship. My son would give something like a necklace just because in his heart she's worthy of such beautiful gifts. Ugh, and he got suspended for three days this year for cutting his math class 17 times. What a lunkhead
He'd never been suspended before so I don't think it means he's headed for Sing Sing. He's got "senioritis". The administators let him know he was going to cut himself into 13th grade if he wasn't careful. He's since changed his ways.
Just saying - sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
Their feelings are intense - it's their first solo love relationship. My son would give something like a necklace just because in his heart she's worthy of such beautiful gifts. Ugh, and he got suspended for three days this year for cutting his math class 17 times. What a lunkhead
He'd never been suspended before so I don't think it means he's headed for Sing Sing. He's got "senioritis". The administators let him know he was going to cut himself into 13th grade if he wasn't careful. He's since changed his ways.Just saying - sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Montvale, VA
Posts: 35
Once upon a time, many moons ago, I was a teenager...
Now, I am the mother of one. Interesting how the perceptions change! I see a couple of things here that I would like to comment on. First, she loves this boy and wants to save him...totally normal teen behavior, though at times can turn into co-dependancy. Any attempt to put a stop to the relationship will backfire. I stayed in a bad relationship from 16 to 17 simply because my parents didn't like him. That being said, you are the parent and as such are responsible for her well being. It could hwlp to open a discussion with her expressing your concerns over her drop in enthusiasm and grades. Don't bring him into it unless she does. Tell her you are worried that something is bothering her to the point of causing emotional distress. Offer support for her but calmly insist on the following:
1. I must meet anyone you spend considerable time with outside of school.
2. You must keep your grades up which means phone calls must end, regardless of the circumstances promptly at whatever time you deem appropriate.
Of course, none of this may work and you may end up in a big fight. You might want to start by expressing concern and work up to the rules. Play it by ear. The big thing is to keep the lines of communication open.
Roni
1. I must meet anyone you spend considerable time with outside of school.
2. You must keep your grades up which means phone calls must end, regardless of the circumstances promptly at whatever time you deem appropriate.
Of course, none of this may work and you may end up in a big fight. You might want to start by expressing concern and work up to the rules. Play it by ear. The big thing is to keep the lines of communication open.
Roni
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
How old is she?? That would answer a lot of questions....so hard to be a mother=especially in todays world...Won't matter what you say or do--she is going to do whatever she wants now---the only thing you can control is what goes on in your home--rules--boundries etc...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Happily ever after...
Posts: 163
She is only 13. I quess I should have stated that. Sorry. She does not see this boy outside of school. Her friends do not care for him much she and they have told me. So if she goes to a party or to "hang out" at a friends house I know he is not there. Thank God I know all of her friends parents. So I am 100% sure.
Thanks all for your input, suggestions and advice. I will continue to keep my eyes and ears open. XOXO
Thanks all for your input, suggestions and advice. I will continue to keep my eyes and ears open. XOXO
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
good--just remember--you bring them up the best you can-and hope those values stick--they all make misyakes--just like we did--and then theypay for them--like we have......She is soon coming to an age where you really will not know what is going on with her and she will do what she wants--you somewhat loose control--very hard for us mothers...
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
