Wondering.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Fairview, OK
Posts: 4
Wondering.
Okay, where to begin...
I met my husband in Dec. 2001, we were married in Oct. 2002. Before we were married he drank a beer here or there, but never ever got drunk, which was a change for me. I'd had relationships in the past with drunks, and drug users. In one of those relationships I was assaulted by a drunk SO.
Since we've been married, he gets drunk, usually about once every week or so. The familiar tune, he isn't mean, he isn't abusive, and he doesn't drink all the time. But when he does start drinking, I get very uncomfortable because he can be annoying (as most drunks can be) and he gets....persistent, I guess that's the best word.
Anyhow, I konw that I can't control his drinking. And I know that in the past he's been to AA, but he quit and has no plans of going back. This was information he volunteered.
I haven't said anything to him about his drinking because I know it's his drinking, not mine. I just get REALLY REALLY frustrated with it at times and I'm not very good at dealing with that. He doesn't understand why I don't want to be around him when he's drinking and I don't understand why he can't understand that.
Anyway...I guess I decided to post because I know there's someone here who will understand.
There aren't any Al-Anon meetings in my town. I wish there were.
Thanks for listening!
GinaD.
I met my husband in Dec. 2001, we were married in Oct. 2002. Before we were married he drank a beer here or there, but never ever got drunk, which was a change for me. I'd had relationships in the past with drunks, and drug users. In one of those relationships I was assaulted by a drunk SO.
Since we've been married, he gets drunk, usually about once every week or so. The familiar tune, he isn't mean, he isn't abusive, and he doesn't drink all the time. But when he does start drinking, I get very uncomfortable because he can be annoying (as most drunks can be) and he gets....persistent, I guess that's the best word.
Anyhow, I konw that I can't control his drinking. And I know that in the past he's been to AA, but he quit and has no plans of going back. This was information he volunteered.
I haven't said anything to him about his drinking because I know it's his drinking, not mine. I just get REALLY REALLY frustrated with it at times and I'm not very good at dealing with that. He doesn't understand why I don't want to be around him when he's drinking and I don't understand why he can't understand that.
Anyway...I guess I decided to post because I know there's someone here who will understand.
There aren't any Al-Anon meetings in my town. I wish there were.
Thanks for listening!
GinaD.
Guest
Posts: n/a
Hi GinaD,
Welcome to the recovery forum.
I can understand how you feel. I think we should get them on tape so they can see how they behave when they've been drinking. My son is the same way. He doesn't remember what he is like drunk so what am I so upset about?
Hidden cameras should be included in our survival gear.
Make yourself at home here.
Hugs,
MG
Welcome to the recovery forum.
I can understand how you feel. I think we should get them on tape so they can see how they behave when they've been drinking. My son is the same way. He doesn't remember what he is like drunk so what am I so upset about?
Hidden cameras should be included in our survival gear.
Make yourself at home here.
Hugs,
MG
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Mornin' Gina!
Dino very rarely drinks. Alcohol was not his doc. However, the few times I have seen him drunk I have to say he registered in the top 10 most obnoxious inebriates I have ever beheld. When I told him he said "I thought I was a charming drunk."
a)drunks only appear charming to other drunks
b)he even pissed off the other drunks
c)including me, who got drunk so I could stand to be around the drunks.
It's a weird sort of denial. He could observe that other crack users were freaky acting lowlifes... somehow it didn't get through to him that he appeared that way as well. Other pot users were slow, inefficient... just generally useless blanks... but it made him more creative or something.
A charming drunk? As if.
Hugs,
Smoke
Dino very rarely drinks. Alcohol was not his doc. However, the few times I have seen him drunk I have to say he registered in the top 10 most obnoxious inebriates I have ever beheld. When I told him he said "I thought I was a charming drunk."
a)drunks only appear charming to other drunks
b)he even pissed off the other drunks
c)including me, who got drunk so I could stand to be around the drunks.
It's a weird sort of denial. He could observe that other crack users were freaky acting lowlifes... somehow it didn't get through to him that he appeared that way as well. Other pot users were slow, inefficient... just generally useless blanks... but it made him more creative or something.
A charming drunk? As if.Hugs,
Smoke
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Ohio
Posts: 444
(((Gina)))
I understand your frustration. They just don't know how they really appear to other people. Their perception of things they say is either they can't remember it at all, they can't remember it as it really happened, or they can't figure out why what they said should bother you, since it was "the truth", or they can't figure out why what they said bothered you, because it was completely justified to be said. Either way, who wants to be around it? Not me!
Welcome! You'll find many "kindred spirits" here!
Lyn
I understand your frustration. They just don't know how they really appear to other people. Their perception of things they say is either they can't remember it at all, they can't remember it as it really happened, or they can't figure out why what they said should bother you, since it was "the truth", or they can't figure out why what they said bothered you, because it was completely justified to be said. Either way, who wants to be around it? Not me!
Welcome! You'll find many "kindred spirits" here!
Lyn
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Gina,
My heart goes out to you. You see a problem and he doesn't.
You know that the only thing you can do is work on yourself. I'm sure you're wondering if you are going to have to live the rest of your life like this. Only you can decide that.
He can't understand why you don't want to be around him when he is drinking? Hmmmmm, sounds like he isn't listening to what you are telling him. Typical A, I'm afraid.
Is there ANYWAY you could attend an Al Anon meeting out of town? I'd say it would be worth the drive if it's at all feasible. There is such support through Al Anon.
So keep coming back here, Gina, and soak up the widsom of a lot of wise folks here. They have and continue to help me everyday.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
My heart goes out to you. You see a problem and he doesn't.
You know that the only thing you can do is work on yourself. I'm sure you're wondering if you are going to have to live the rest of your life like this. Only you can decide that.
He can't understand why you don't want to be around him when he is drinking? Hmmmmm, sounds like he isn't listening to what you are telling him. Typical A, I'm afraid.
Is there ANYWAY you could attend an Al Anon meeting out of town? I'd say it would be worth the drive if it's at all feasible. There is such support through Al Anon.
So keep coming back here, Gina, and soak up the widsom of a lot of wise folks here. They have and continue to help me everyday.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
for GinaBeen there done that.......
I had to learn that there are other things I CAN DO BESIDES watch them drink, or use,
Making a list of things simple things I can do that I enjoy helps
I always keep my Al-Anon books handy...I have one in every room of the house, even the bathrooms
Going for a walk...
Reading...I am a book worm...
Sewing.....
Playing with my puppy....
Listening to the music I love...
I have to take the action whether I feel like it or not...the feeling of wellness comes quietly later.
Blessings! Keep coming back...~~A~~
Member
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Sask.
Posts: 64
Yes, boundaries do help. My A no longer drinks around me and he knows I don't want to talk to him when he's drunk, that is a waste of time. I haven't seen him with a drink for over a year now but he sure comes home drunk alot. I can't even remember how this came about. I think I just told him once please don't talk to me when you're drunk or drink around me. I said it once and it seemed to work although he did cross my boundaries once or twice, I just had to remind him again.
Summer
Summer
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Hey Gina,
My husband NEVER thinks he is drunk unless he passes out. (then he is real sorry he didn't mean to) I have thought of the camera thing often. Matter of fact a long time ago I took a snap shot of him being the charming drunk, but it only looks like a bad picture of him. It really didn't capture the "atmosphere" like I thought it would. Maybe a cam-corder would work better.
Anyway......just remember that you don't have to sit there and watch. Do something for yourself....come here, read, go get ice cream or go for a walk. Take care of yourself.....it WILL make you feel better.
Constant
My husband NEVER thinks he is drunk unless he passes out. (then he is real sorry he didn't mean to) I have thought of the camera thing often. Matter of fact a long time ago I took a snap shot of him being the charming drunk, but it only looks like a bad picture of him. It really didn't capture the "atmosphere" like I thought it would. Maybe a cam-corder would work better.
Anyway......just remember that you don't have to sit there and watch. Do something for yourself....come here, read, go get ice cream or go for a walk. Take care of yourself.....it WILL make you feel better.
Constant
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Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Leitchfield, KY
Posts: 3
I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND!
Gina,
I know exactly how you feel, before my husband and I got married he was what I would of considered a social drinker. But like a lightswitch after we were married he became a serious drinker. I have a father who is an alcoholic and it seems I have just recreated that situation with my A husband. I have just started on this journey of recovery, and I want you to know you are not alone. There are many people here who truely care about you. I know for me this and other message boards have been my life line. I have never went to a f2f Alanon meeting but am planning to next week. Just know that your HP will take care of you, trust in him. Also one more thing realize that many times a situation won't change until someone in that situation changes themselves. So may if you change the way you react to him, it will bring forth changes in him.
*Smoke gets in My Eyes I loved the part where you said you would drink in order to be around the A's. I couldn't tell you how many times I have done that very same thing!!!
Prayers and Hugs,
Brandy
I know exactly how you feel, before my husband and I got married he was what I would of considered a social drinker. But like a lightswitch after we were married he became a serious drinker. I have a father who is an alcoholic and it seems I have just recreated that situation with my A husband. I have just started on this journey of recovery, and I want you to know you are not alone. There are many people here who truely care about you. I know for me this and other message boards have been my life line. I have never went to a f2f Alanon meeting but am planning to next week. Just know that your HP will take care of you, trust in him. Also one more thing realize that many times a situation won't change until someone in that situation changes themselves. So may if you change the way you react to him, it will bring forth changes in him.
*Smoke gets in My Eyes I loved the part where you said you would drink in order to be around the A's. I couldn't tell you how many times I have done that very same thing!!!
Prayers and Hugs,
Brandy
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