In need of help

Old 03-10-2007, 03:59 PM
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In need of help

Wow. I feel I have gone backwards. I don't think I have been in this much inner turmoil ever. I was better when my AH was actively doing drugs. Now that he is sober and really working his program, I feel lost. Has anyone else experienced this?

He has this new found ability to deliver his problems to God (he has never been religious before) and he seems happy.

And I am not. I am agnostic with loose spiritual beliefs, abstract if you will, and it feels impossible to deliver my life into his hands. I may really be a control freak, I didn't know that about myself before. We both used to agree on God and now we don't, and that is a big threshold to cross. He also says things to me like, "I am more spiritually evolved than you" or "you'd understand if you had God"...these feel judgemental and pompous and belittling to me, which doesn't help.

Also, due to his using, he has never gotten mad at me for the things I did wrong in my marriage. It was almost like I didn't have any consequences for my actions ever. Maybe he felt so guilty about his own. But now that he is at step 3 and 4, he is dealing with the hurt I caused him and it makes me face what I did as well. We separated twice and both times I saw someone during that time. Once, I started seeing someone before we separated. It was wrong but at the time it didn't feel like it. I was so lost then, but I didn't know it. Now I am less lost but I know it and it is a terrible feeling. He was so awful to me for so long and had moved away temporarily to try out a music gig meanwhile he was doing lots of drugs and drinking while I worked and supported the family and took care of our child alone. I was pissed and bitter and I met someone who was nice to me. I guess I was just weak and pathetic and that is why I sought refuge in this man. I told my AH about it. I ended the affair and my AH and I got back together and spent 4 more years of this chaoss. And here we are now...

I feel so awful. Lost. I am not even sure if our marriage can make it after all the lies, deceit, addiction and hurt that has been caused by both of us. All we have on our side to make it with is the fact that we somehow still love eachother and enjoy eachother often and we have 2 wonderful children. I don't even know if it is what I want. Wow, walking out the door and escaping this torturous feeling sounds less painful.

I am just wondering if anyone else has dealt with any of this before.

I mean, all these years of thinking..."Oh if he could just stop using and drinking..." and now he has and it seems like we have more problems...wait, it seems like "I" have more problems. "I" feel so guilty and awful and insecure and still bitter and sad inside...and I always thought I'd be so happy if he could get sober.

Thank you and thinking of you all as always.
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Old 03-10-2007, 04:09 PM
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i have never had to go thru that,my addict is my son. i just want to reassure you that you do not need to feel guilty about anything.if he had been there for you & your kids you would not have made those mistakes but you both need to move pass that.all of that is in the past,you both need to forgive each other & try to make a happy home for your children, they have suffered enough. i will also say if you can't maybe it is time to move on.work your recovery & let him work his.you & your family will be in my prayers. hugs,hope
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Old 03-10-2007, 05:44 PM
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I lay no guilt on you, and, you should not do that to you.

We all make mistakes, there is no rule book for life, in many cases, it just happens.

Remember one thing, "It's not so mch the circumstance you are involved in, it's how you handle it".

Keep posting, keep reading others threads, and offer your support to others, we all need each other.
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Old 03-10-2007, 06:30 PM
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sorry you feel bad, i agree with dolly. we all make mistakes, maybe its time for you to forgive yourself first, and then maybe you can work on forgiving your husband. i don't know if you have began to work the 12 steps of recovery, but when i did the first time, coming out of rehab, i found that working the steps helped me to face and work through painful pass issues, that i would use drugs to block out. i found that in doing that, my chances of staying clean were a little greater.

my ah was unfaithful in his active addiction, i believe, even though he deny it, but for me it was the truth and i guess in my own sick way, i accepted it, partly out of fear of i don't know what and partly because it was easier for me to stay active and numb to the pain of his unfaithfulness, as long as he didn't get in the way of my using.

as soon as i got clean and i didn't have drugs to numb me of past hurts, fears and resentments, feelings began to surface. the steps helped me to recognize and process the pain and resentments that i had numbed out, taking away any excuses that i could use to get high over, making my chances of staying clean greater. i found myself being able to forgive myself and anyone who i felt had hurt me, causing me to feel a sense of peace and gratitude.

have you gone to any meetings yet? do you have a sponsor who may be able to help you to work the steps, if you haven't already?

from what it sounds like, you are judging yourself more that anyone, maybe if you can first forgive yourself, then it may be just a little easier to work on forgiving your husband. good he's working a good program and i'm glad to hear that he is doing well.

maybe as you continue to work on you and your recovery, what he has found spiritually you may too. its all a process that comes one step at a time. as you grow, more will be revealed to you. do what you know to do, time does bring about a change.

i still don't know how my rah and i are to survive our marriage, but for today, its one day at a time. try to stay in the day and let tommorrow speak for itself. i pray that things work out for you and your husband. if i had to make a suggestion, it would be for you to take it slow, take care of you and allow time to be your saving grace. i sure hope something out of all of this make sense. if not, you can pm me anytime you want, and i'll try to do better.
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Old 03-10-2007, 08:37 PM
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Dear BookLover,

I am sorry your husband is using Step 4 (Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves) to make you feel bad.

While we do list our resentments while taking an inventory of ourselves, nowhere in Step 4 does it say that we take everyone elses inventory. In fact, in the Big Book of AA it clearly states:

"We went back through our lives. Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty. When we were finished we considered it carefully. The first thing apparent was that this world and its people were often quite wrong. To conclude that others were wrong was as far as most of us ever got."

"Referring to our list again. Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame? The inventory was ours, not the other man's. When we saw our faults we listed them. We placed them before us in black and white. We admitted our wrongs honestly and were willing to set these matters straight."

I have cut and pasted these out of Chapter Five, How It Works" so there is a lot more that is said about how this is about us taking our inventory, but I did want to share a couple of paragraphs with you.

Teke gave you great advice about starting your own program. That is really when the healing begins, but in the meantime, don't let him beat you up with the Steps. That's not what they were meant for.

Lithloren
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Old 03-11-2007, 08:48 AM
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Yeah, I'm a little mixed up about that whole - he's doing steps 3 and 4, and now YOU are feeling guilty about something?

His 12 steps are ALLL about HIS actions. Not yours. Not at all.

But if you really want to find some peace, why not check out Alanon? You get to keep your abstract idea of a higher power... you do NOT have to believe in anyone elses or any institution's concept of God. Really. In fact, when I started, I used the power of a successful program as my "Higher Power". Heck... I figured, if I could believe in the power of Weight Watchers...smile... then I could believe in the power of Alanon.

If you do decide to try Alanon or Naranon, I would suggest you go to at least 6 meetings before making a decision whether it is for you or not. Meetings have "personalities" that change depending on where they are held, the time of day and who is present.

I wish you the best.
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Old 03-11-2007, 09:39 AM
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I will give the Al-anon meetings another try. I didn't try enough I am sure. Thanks for everyone's words.
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Old 03-11-2007, 01:52 PM
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Dear Book,

At times, I have said that living with an addict in recovery is just as difficult as living with one in addiction. I'd still rather take the recovery but it can be hard as all get out! My RAH has been sober now for 20 months (crack addiction) and it has been quite a ride. I know that the only things that have allowed me to heal and grow and even care a lick about this relationship is working my own program. I've had to work a much more rigorous program that my RAH has ever even thought of........I went down deeply with it all and it's taken a whole lot of work to begin to dig back up.

The fellowship in the rooms of recovery have helped me a lot. For me, my thoughts were to give it a go, do the best that I could, turn it over to my HP (whether it's God, a tree, or a chair) and concentrate on me. If the relationship survived - all the better. I'd hoped that it would - and it has. The me now would never stay for what all I've been through but all of that is not happening now.

Remember, the substances are but a symptom. The disease is addiction and how that makes you think and deal with life. It is a disease that only stays in remission with daily spiritual fitness. Don't worry about the God thing - when I say spiritual fitness I simply mean having somewhere to turn outside of yourself and a practice that allows you to be still and calm.

The past and guilt.......for a relationship to survive both people have to be able to forgive. Not forget - but to love one another through it. Our counselors told us that we couldn't even begin to work on our relationship until after the first year. That was great advice for us. I certainly needed the tools of recovery to be able to do all of this.

Try to find a meeting that you like.....look into Naranon as well. Nashville is big enough that they should have some.

Good luck! I'm thinking about you! Donna
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Old 03-12-2007, 03:44 PM
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First off, Bravo, booklover for recognizing your mistakes in all this. That takes a strong person to do. I personally have not dealt with your situation accept on the one part about the affair. I came very close to cheating on my AGF during one of her disappearing acts. . .I mean very close. I felt the same way you did about it in that I didn't see how it could be cheating when my AGF wasn't there for me physically, emotionally, etc.

But I suppose in situations like that you have to put yourself above deceit even if you feel it's somehow justified. Wrong is wrong and I commend you for revealing the truth and ending the affair. I'm not sure if your marriage can withstand so much damage either. Trust and respect set the foundation for love and once those are gone then often the love goes too. Not entirely but substantially nonetheless. All I can say is listen to your heart. It WILL tell you what to do.

As for your husband's new found spirituality and sounding pompous, I think he's just rejoicing in his own spiritual rebirth and recovery. He probably doesn't even realize how he's coming off. Give it time and I'm sure he'll settle down. Hugs and kisses
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Old 03-12-2007, 04:00 PM
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Dear Booklover - Sorry to hear you are going through a rough time - you are not alone here in SR - Sending and ((Hugs)) you will be in my prayers.
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