chicago

my old roommate at my recovery house has been in and out of the program for years. even though he's only 26 he has already had periods of sobriety of 11 months and 9 months (all dry time). he refuses to make sobriety his number 1 priority. at any rate, he is dependent on me for my friendship, while i am not dependent on him and choose to stick with the winners. so he carries resentments because i distance myself from him. today he left this message for me saying "i have 4 months today but i dont feel the need to brag about it like somebody i know" implying that i brag about my time. i feel im just very proud of my sobriety date (its the most important thing in my life) and refuse to get drawn into his sick little world. have you ever known you should pray for somebody but just dont want to?

concolor1

There's a very subtle "F--- you" in his behavior, probably a combination of envy, his own stuff he hasn't applied the Steps to, and just that old general alcoholic contrariness we all suffer from from time to time . . .

Sometimes "surviving the Fellowship" is one of the more difficult challenges we face; I know it was for me . . . One of he first "slippers" I had to deal with was my first sponsor; he eventually got sober (I'd replaced him by then, of course), but the friendship was never the same . . . One of the changes I made was learning to validate myself (to keep from giving others power), and while it was something I needed to do, it was at-odds with how he saw things . . . I hooked up with a tough old men's group (just got back from there a few hours ago) that hadn't worked for him, and I think there was a jealousy there for him and a sadness on my part (I'm just looking at that one now because of your post) that he misinterpreted . . .

There are a lot out there who couldn't or wouldn't grasp the "recovery message" for one reason or another, and as with everything with the disease, it's everyone's fault but their own . . .

I opened the paper last week to one such individual, with a history similar to your friend's. This guy was someone I'd tried to help several times . . . I think he was 44, and the tragedy was he'd killed two people while relapsing and spent time in prison for automobile homocide . . .

Stuff like that pretty much cuts to the heart of the matter . . . Part of recovery is growing up, and unfortunately, we have to look at stuff like that with grown-up eyes . . .

barb dwyer

chicago -

there's nothing wrong with surrounding yourself with 'the winners' the ones who have what you want.

just in case you weren't sure or something.
*grin*

barb

Missymae737

Many of us have fallen several times in our recovery. It is not want we truly wanted. When someone I have known (friend or not), has relapsed, I have shown great empathy. I have been there, falling to this disease of addiction. I am happy that they have made it back and yes, I do pray for them. I never give up on them OR the miracle of recovery.

No one says you have to be friends with anyone.

I hope I have not offended you with what I have said, I just feel great empathy for all those that fall to this addiction.

Surlyredhead

While I also feel great empathy for chronic relapsers (I was one myself for years), I find that, for me, I can not be around peole who continue to drink. That would be dangerous for my sobriety. Many people have told me that "The drink you take out of someones hand, may be the first drink of your relaps." I am sorry to sound selfish, but for my, my sobriety IS the thing I am most selfish about. I can't..no WON'T, keep friends that put my sobriety in jeopardy, because that is the ONE thing, that if I lose it...I lose myself.

Oh...BTW...I don't consider telling people of your clean time is bragging, it is allowing others in recovery to celebrate with you!!!

SRH

hector

"have you ever known you should pray for somebody but just dont want to?"

Each and every day, friend. It never ends. AA Big Book, third edition, page 552:
"If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or the thing you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don't really want it for them, and your prayers are only words and you don't mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it every day for two weeks and you will find you have come to mean it and you want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love."

Your roommate is jealous. You've had sobriety for a lot longer than he has. He's mad at himself. You caught on and hung on quicker than he did. His words and actions show it.

Also, don't ever forget, you came from "his sick little world." You and I are only one drink away from going back there. That's why we can help where no one else can.

I've been sober over 18 years. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.