newblue82

It's been six weeks since the breakup with AGF. She wanted to remain friends and I told her I didn't think that'd be a good idea because my feelings were still too intense. I told myself though that if I could get over that one month hump without contacting her in any way that it'd be an indication of my being strong enough and detached enough to survive a friendship. But am I just kidding myself?

Just because I haven't contacted her doesn't mean that I haven't thought about her often: how's she's doing, if she's still clean, if she's met anyone, does she miss me, etc. Lately, I've wanted more and more to talk to her but I tell myself that it's because I miss our friendship and not because I miss the intimacy. I mean she was my best friend before we began dating. I had a lot of fun with her, I could be myself, I could tell her anything, I never felt like she was judging me.

I don't have many friends (aside from you all) that I can physically socialize with and I must admit she used to fill that gap for me in my need for companionship. Should I risk contacting her or should I continue to keep my distance? As for making other friends, I'm picky about who I hang out with as ironic as it may seem that I'd made best friends with a recovering addict. Now I think I've become even more particular about who I befriend. I don't want friends that are overly emotional, dramatic, silly, or hyper. What the hell?!

SaTiT

I don't know.

I use to listen to this country song becuase I could relate
It gose something like this

You keep call'in me on the telephone
You say, you're all alone...
Will...that's really sad......

and You keep leav'in, notes stuck on my door..
Guess you're hungery for sum more....
Girl...that's too bad.....

Cuz I ain't that lonely yet
no...I ain't that lone yet
After what you put through...oh I ain't that lonely yet.

Once there was this... spyder in my bed...
I got cuaght up in her web of love and lies...
She spun a chain around my heart and soul....
Ever to let go....
Oh but i survive....

Cuz I ain't lonely yet.

Trying_in_Texas

NewBlue...

I understand how you feel. I recently broke up with my ABF, and I am not doing a 100.00% perfecto job of keeping him out of my life, though it does seem to be getting better with time.

One thing about your post just hit me... you said something to the effect that if you did X or Y or Z it would indicate to you that you could "survive" the friendship.

I don't think we are supposed to "survive" friendships. I think that, if we decide that we are going to make the effort to be close with someone, it shouldn't be in survival mode. It should be because the other person is genuinely enjoyable, and we want that person in our lives.

Anyway... it is all much harder than it looks. But since I have talked to my new sponsor (yes, all, I got a sponsor!!! Yeah!!!) and continue working the program, it does get easier. One day at a time.

teke

i agree with trying

don't know if i'm interested in a "friendship" that i have to have in survival mode. sounds like too much hassel. i say give yourself a little more time and keep the focus on you and what you need to do for yourself

newblue82

Perhaps, I should rephrase the sentence. When I say "survive" I mean that I feel I'm ready to have a friendship where my heart and emotions don't tie into it, that I can be objective about the relationship and take it at face value. I'm not trying to be a friend with a hidden agenda.

Elana

If you do go and try to be friends with her, be careful.

This is a slippery slope to navigate.

bookmiser

(((((NewBlue)))))

Sorry your having a tough time deciding whether you want to remain friends
with your ex or not. There's plenty of time to decide. Don't rush it.
How long have you been apart exactly?
I know, whenever my relationship ended with my exah, there was way too much water over that bridge to be friends.
Today we are, but that's because it's 16 years later and i'm remarried and have no "feelings" for my ex anymore.
Just know that we care about you at sr, and would hate to see you get hurt again.
You'll know when the times comes that you can get back in there without emotional ties. Just take things one day at a time, and be gentle with yourself.
All said with love and understanding,
Linda

Wascally Wabbit

I think its only natural to have confusing feelings after a breakup. We want and need someone in our life as a companion.
Think it out before you make contact.
Do you want an addict for a girlfriend?
Do you want all the trouble that comes with an addict? The roller coaster ride from hell?

dreamwvr

I know that it is hard to separate this feeling. The feelings with my A are very intense. I know that when I make this choice, my heart flips in all of the time. My A has a way to pull the strings and he knows that my feelings are strong for him. I know that within I cannot be just his friend because he sucks me onto the rollercoaster. It is hard to turn off the other feelings when you feel for that other person. Not only do we understand the intensity we feel, they understand it just as well. This is just my experience with it. I've tried to look at it on all levels and different views and in the end, I always somehow get my feelings hurt. I think it is just part of the craziness.

newblue82

Thank you, everyone! The general consensus seems to be an overall weariness about the whole thing. This I do know; I'm not in love with her. Yes, I love her but I fell out of love with her a long time ago. Naturally, I have doubts and wonder if I was too hasty to judge whether we'd work or whether she'd overcome her addiction.

I think about the good times and I miss them but the bad times are ever distinctly lodged in my mind. I suppose I hesitate about a friendship because I think she will try to bring me back into all the drama. . .I suspect she'll always be manipulative and yes, she knows me well. She knows how to push my buttons.

However, we're in totally different cities. I work too much to get to my hometown (where she is) and well she just doesn't have the means to get to me. I think that a "long-distanced" friendship might work. I think I'd better be able to enforce my limitations from afar Anyway, I'm going home for Easter so I suppose how I handle that encounter will be the greatest indication.

jackiehelpnmike

just bcareful.my husband is an addict and he left 44 days ago and this month we will be married 12yrs.i want to talk to him everyday and when i do it bites me in the a** i never thought i could luv someone so much but he want get help and when i talk to him i fall for everything.i start to believe that he is sorry for putting his family through everything but by the time we're done talking the pills still come out on top.it is hard to stay away but how much can one person take

rozied

Until you are more sure of yourself I believe you should keep the contact to a minimum. If you knew you could handle a friendship you wouldn't be asking others what they think you should do.
Why risk hurting yourself again. When you feel more sure of yourself if you still want to stay friends then go for it...........until then give yourself more time.
Good Luck
Diane

hope213

take it one day at a time.don't jump into anything. take your time,work your recovery & be good to you. hugs,hope

patchoulli

I know what you mean when you say you love but are not in love anymore. I felt the same way. Friendship is nice, Keith and I both loved riding motorcycles and fishing..the last few months were filled with addict Keith going thru the motions of having a good time but I could feel the edginess around him and it truly made my days out with him nerve wracking, trying to chase the good old times, feeling that I just was not quite there and blaming myself...As much as you care for the person think about yourself..If you really enjoy spending time with this person or if you are missing what you thought you had at one time{I know I am]...Marian

apart

It is probably the best thing that you let it go and try to live your life as it is meant to be. Living with an addict never seems to be fulling for the non addict and if we pur ourselves first we can see that it only hurts us. Try and think of things in terms of what is best for you and you should be able to make the right choice. Best of luck!

newblue82

This is some great advice. Thank you again! Well, today I met up with a friend of mine who works with me. She knows about me and about my relationship with my exAGF. I also asked her about if a friendship would be a good idea and she said "Hell NO!". . .LOL!

Sometimes that kind of bluntness hits home like nothing else can. She told me that she didn't like my ex and never did. She felt I was being used and manipulated. She felt I deserved better and any one would be lucky to have me.

I guess because she can be so callous what she said held all the sincerity and truth I needed to hear. I mean she didn't try to be "nice" about anything she was saying to me and I can appreciate that kind of honesty. It's the kind of honesty I have or what Dr. Phil calls "tough love."

I spent all day with her and had a really good time. It was the swift kick in the a$$ I needed. Among her words of encouragement and yours, I know I need more time. Hugs and kisses! You guys are great!

GiveLove

newblue,

You are one great person. Thanks for sharing your journey with us. I learn so much from you!

Hugs,
GL

newblue82

By the way, SaTiT. . .great song! I think I'll be listening to it from now on.

frankly

((new))

Give that friend of yours a huge hug. She has a little bit more insight to the situation than we do. Be strong and live happy.

B