Bad night
Chaotically Peaceful
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: A state of peace
Posts: 322
Bad night
I had such a (good/bad) reminder that I must not make the mistake of thinking that just because DH stopped drinking, we don't have any problems.
Last year was rough. For most of the year, I was under the impression that my DH had been sober for the greater part of the year and working REALLY hard at our business. He was working all day and most nights and I couldn't understand why we didn't have any money coming in but he always had some explanation for the delay that was never his doing. I was home night after night parenting alone with a newborn and a 3-year-old, but figured I was doing it for the good of our finances and new business. I learned that it was far from the truth. He was instead:
1. Blowing off work during the day to golf/fish/drink with his buddies then having to work into the wee hours of the morning in order to make up the work;
2. Lying and saying he was working late in order to hang out in someone's driveway drinking beer or;
3. Drinking while he was working late.
In my mind, drinking was the problem as it was the one common thread throughout these things (yes, yes, I know, I know). In December, he once again vowed sobriety and huge changes. It was time for him to "grow up"
Fast forward to present. Our finances have not recovered. Things are beyond tight. Our good credit that I have worked SOO hard for is in SHAMBLES. We have NO money in either or personal or business accounts. I have communicated that to DH and have been trying to stay sane and know that we are coming out of our slow season and things are bound to get better. The weather is nice and we have 8 jobs lined up that he can knock out in a couple of days and get paid on. DH hasn't been drinking for over two months. When offered a beer last week, he told a friend "No thanks. I don't drink." All good, right?
Well, I know you all see what I didn't. There was another common thread there. Lying. Yep. Well, it just hadn't occurred to me until last night and when it hit me, I really took a step backward.
We made a business plan for this week that DH would pick two jobs that could be completed in 5 days and would result in immediate payment of close to 2K. Well, DH has been acting so weird all week...being very evasive when I asked how the jobs were going, was anything ready to bill, etc. Through a series of events I won't detail, I found out that DH has barely been working this week, has caused our personal account to be overdrawn from spending money that doesn't exist and even went golfing on a 70 degree day instead of completing a job (the homeowner is going out-of-town and we won't see payment until next weekend now).
I freaked out. I ran to his wallet and took his debit and credit cards. I went to the garage, yanked two handfulls of clubs out of his bag and threw them in the back of my car. I yelled and screamed. I said angry, hateful things. I was shaking and crazed. I picked up a plastic hanger and started breaking it by hitting it against a wall. I picked up the TV remote and made a motion as if I was going to hit him with it. It was just what he needed to blame ME for it. He started saying something about Domestic Abuse (I never hit him with anything although I have to admit I REALLY wanted to at the time). It was ugly. And wrong.
Today, I'm dealing with the hangover. I'm trying to regroup and refocus.
I know that taking the clubs won't force DH to focus on work and get money rolling in. I know that taking his debit/credit card won't keep him from spending our money foolishly. I know that hateful words only create the perfect excuse for him to blame me. I know these things to be true, but last night I was so angry. So angry that I overlooked that thread. That I hadn't accepted that the "lying" part of the addiction was mutually exclusive of the "drinking" part of it. I felt alone. I felt angry that the one person I should be able to count on to be on my side is not the man I chose to put in that role in my life.
Today, I'm looking inward again. Sigh...
Last year was rough. For most of the year, I was under the impression that my DH had been sober for the greater part of the year and working REALLY hard at our business. He was working all day and most nights and I couldn't understand why we didn't have any money coming in but he always had some explanation for the delay that was never his doing. I was home night after night parenting alone with a newborn and a 3-year-old, but figured I was doing it for the good of our finances and new business. I learned that it was far from the truth. He was instead:
1. Blowing off work during the day to golf/fish/drink with his buddies then having to work into the wee hours of the morning in order to make up the work;
2. Lying and saying he was working late in order to hang out in someone's driveway drinking beer or;
3. Drinking while he was working late.
In my mind, drinking was the problem as it was the one common thread throughout these things (yes, yes, I know, I know). In December, he once again vowed sobriety and huge changes. It was time for him to "grow up"
Fast forward to present. Our finances have not recovered. Things are beyond tight. Our good credit that I have worked SOO hard for is in SHAMBLES. We have NO money in either or personal or business accounts. I have communicated that to DH and have been trying to stay sane and know that we are coming out of our slow season and things are bound to get better. The weather is nice and we have 8 jobs lined up that he can knock out in a couple of days and get paid on. DH hasn't been drinking for over two months. When offered a beer last week, he told a friend "No thanks. I don't drink." All good, right?
Well, I know you all see what I didn't. There was another common thread there. Lying. Yep. Well, it just hadn't occurred to me until last night and when it hit me, I really took a step backward.
We made a business plan for this week that DH would pick two jobs that could be completed in 5 days and would result in immediate payment of close to 2K. Well, DH has been acting so weird all week...being very evasive when I asked how the jobs were going, was anything ready to bill, etc. Through a series of events I won't detail, I found out that DH has barely been working this week, has caused our personal account to be overdrawn from spending money that doesn't exist and even went golfing on a 70 degree day instead of completing a job (the homeowner is going out-of-town and we won't see payment until next weekend now).
I freaked out. I ran to his wallet and took his debit and credit cards. I went to the garage, yanked two handfulls of clubs out of his bag and threw them in the back of my car. I yelled and screamed. I said angry, hateful things. I was shaking and crazed. I picked up a plastic hanger and started breaking it by hitting it against a wall. I picked up the TV remote and made a motion as if I was going to hit him with it. It was just what he needed to blame ME for it. He started saying something about Domestic Abuse (I never hit him with anything although I have to admit I REALLY wanted to at the time). It was ugly. And wrong.
Today, I'm dealing with the hangover. I'm trying to regroup and refocus.
I know that taking the clubs won't force DH to focus on work and get money rolling in. I know that taking his debit/credit card won't keep him from spending our money foolishly. I know that hateful words only create the perfect excuse for him to blame me. I know these things to be true, but last night I was so angry. So angry that I overlooked that thread. That I hadn't accepted that the "lying" part of the addiction was mutually exclusive of the "drinking" part of it. I felt alone. I felt angry that the one person I should be able to count on to be on my side is not the man I chose to put in that role in my life.
Today, I'm looking inward again. Sigh...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
Ouch! I'm so sorry for your recent events. I know how let down you must feel.
You were angry and you reacted. I would have been furious, too. Just because we are working a plan of recovery for ourselves doesn't erase that human emotion. And you were not just angry about the lying and drinking... you were also angry because he has hurt you financially.
The last day my AH drank and I had to go and pick him up from his office (in front of all those people and his bosses)... well... once he was in my car, I went absolutely beserk. As I was driving, I was reaching over and beating his chest with my fist as hard as I could. I was yelling and screaming at him. All the while, I knew I was accomplishing nothing... I was not getting through to him. But I reacted. Even though I know I reacted inappropriately, I'm not sure that I wouldn't (or won't) react in the same way, should it happen again. Hey! I'm entitled to my own relapses. I'll probably NEVER be "healthy" enough not to react in the face of such "crisis." I accept that. I'll work on it.
Now, my response to your post does not give you any wise, sage advice. I just want you to know that you are not alone. We all go crazy sometimes.
You were angry and you reacted. I would have been furious, too. Just because we are working a plan of recovery for ourselves doesn't erase that human emotion. And you were not just angry about the lying and drinking... you were also angry because he has hurt you financially.
The last day my AH drank and I had to go and pick him up from his office (in front of all those people and his bosses)... well... once he was in my car, I went absolutely beserk. As I was driving, I was reaching over and beating his chest with my fist as hard as I could. I was yelling and screaming at him. All the while, I knew I was accomplishing nothing... I was not getting through to him. But I reacted. Even though I know I reacted inappropriately, I'm not sure that I wouldn't (or won't) react in the same way, should it happen again. Hey! I'm entitled to my own relapses. I'll probably NEVER be "healthy" enough not to react in the face of such "crisis." I accept that. I'll work on it.
Now, my response to your post does not give you any wise, sage advice. I just want you to know that you are not alone. We all go crazy sometimes.
Practicing the lion's roar
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 291
(((SKW))) I don't have anything helpful to add but I wanted to welcome you and sympathize with your situation. I'm sure you're going to get excellent advice from the wonderful members here and lots of support. Please keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Santa Rosa, CA
Posts: 34
You know, if we all had an instant rewind button, we would all do alot of things differently.
The reality is that we have to live with what we've done in the past. And that is exactly what it is, the past.
You take your personal inventory, admit when you are wrong and try not to make the same mistakes again. The operative word here is TRY. We are all human and are governed by emotions. Some days we have better control over them than others. But we try. We try to get better and do better. That is what OUR recovery is about.
If you knew half the stuff that I've said and done in retaliation of my AH's drinking, it would make your's pale in comparision. But, I've forgiven myself and have tried to improve my actions with each set of circumstances that came up.
It's about progress not perfection.
Take care.
Peace
Karen
The reality is that we have to live with what we've done in the past. And that is exactly what it is, the past.
You take your personal inventory, admit when you are wrong and try not to make the same mistakes again. The operative word here is TRY. We are all human and are governed by emotions. Some days we have better control over them than others. But we try. We try to get better and do better. That is what OUR recovery is about.
If you knew half the stuff that I've said and done in retaliation of my AH's drinking, it would make your's pale in comparision. But, I've forgiven myself and have tried to improve my actions with each set of circumstances that came up.
It's about progress not perfection.
Take care.
Peace
Karen
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
You reacted in a VERY NORMAL way considering what this guy has put you through! Damn straight there's gonna be some freaking out! And so typical that he would then turn around and say that you are the crazy one...don't these A's see the destruction they cause?
Hang in there and be gentle on yourself. There's only so much one person can take. You have so much on your plate with being a mom and then on top of that having to deal with his b.s. Not fair. And you deserve better.
Hang in there and be gentle on yourself. There's only so much one person can take. You have so much on your plate with being a mom and then on top of that having to deal with his b.s. Not fair. And you deserve better.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
SKW, do you attend Al-Anon or some other type of support group; individual therapy? Outside help and group support have helped me enormously with my anger issues. I was too afraid of what might happen if I had ever done the things you describe, but I certainly had times I wanted to do them.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
What a mess-I feel sorryr for he messhe has put you in-and you are trying to take care of children as well?You need to talk to someone to help you out somehow-there is too much lying going on here--yes most of us have been there--wish I knew the right words to say to you--I will be sending prayers your way---get gelp asap-
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
SKW, your trust was betrayed in a MAJOR way. This man has trashed your finances and credit! Sure, you lost it but you are human. This would probably cause most folks to go ballistic! I, too, detached and swallowed a lot of lies, deceit, and abuse before I finally blew. It took 26 months of being blamed, shamed, falsely accused ... you name it ... and I just let it go - so I thought. Until New Year's Eve '06. He started with the "attitude." I had been drinking (NOT a good idea at all, even though it was New Year's.)
That was the first time I ever got physical in any way. There was only one other time in my life that I lost it to the point that I broke the legs off a chair many years before. We all reach the boiling point and you reached yours.
The way it works is YOU are held accountable if you lose your temper or make a mistake. If they lie, cheat, steal, abuse, accuse, misuse, whatever, they shrug it off like, "No big deal." Meanwhile, he's out acting like an irresponsible kid and blowing it off as if it's nothing. That is the insanity and that is what gets us so worked up that we lose it.
Man, how often I heard that smug, snide attitude creeping into AH's voice when he would tell me how I was the one who was the b****, who was out of control, who was causing all the ruckus. Yeah, right. This from a man who tore a closet door off its hinges in a hotel room because he couldn't locate his wallet! After I stepped out of the shower (I could hear the banging even with the bathroom door closed and the shower running), and I surveyed the mess I calmly asked him, "So did that help you locate your wallet?"
If you can locate Al-Anon meetings in your area, I would urge you to start attending. In the meantime, I'll pray for you and your children. What you are going through is terrible. His lying sounds as if it could bring about financial ruin for your family. I think you might want to consider seeing an attorney to see if, and how, you can protect yourself from going down the tubes financially.
I don't mean this in an insensitive way, but forget about him for now. You have two children and their welfare to consider. It may be time for you to become proactive and do something in addition to examining your motives for staying with someone like this.
That was the first time I ever got physical in any way. There was only one other time in my life that I lost it to the point that I broke the legs off a chair many years before. We all reach the boiling point and you reached yours.
The way it works is YOU are held accountable if you lose your temper or make a mistake. If they lie, cheat, steal, abuse, accuse, misuse, whatever, they shrug it off like, "No big deal." Meanwhile, he's out acting like an irresponsible kid and blowing it off as if it's nothing. That is the insanity and that is what gets us so worked up that we lose it.
Man, how often I heard that smug, snide attitude creeping into AH's voice when he would tell me how I was the one who was the b****, who was out of control, who was causing all the ruckus. Yeah, right. This from a man who tore a closet door off its hinges in a hotel room because he couldn't locate his wallet! After I stepped out of the shower (I could hear the banging even with the bathroom door closed and the shower running), and I surveyed the mess I calmly asked him, "So did that help you locate your wallet?"
If you can locate Al-Anon meetings in your area, I would urge you to start attending. In the meantime, I'll pray for you and your children. What you are going through is terrible. His lying sounds as if it could bring about financial ruin for your family. I think you might want to consider seeing an attorney to see if, and how, you can protect yourself from going down the tubes financially.
I don't mean this in an insensitive way, but forget about him for now. You have two children and their welfare to consider. It may be time for you to become proactive and do something in addition to examining your motives for staying with someone like this.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
I have been down a very similar road to your situation. My husband and I owned a business for many years and it did well at first. We had excellent credit and good reputation. After years I gradually discovered my husband didn't just "drink too much" but was a definite alcoholic and had lied to me for years about how much he had to drink. When I realized he had been lying and hiding booze, I put down boundaries and told him he couldn't live with us unless he stopped drinking.
My husband then tricked me for over 2 years by swearing he had stopped drinking for "me" ... but in reality he had been drinking at the office and trying to sober up by the time he came home. His phone calls from the office were strange and erratic. He was always out running unnecessary errands rather than doing critical work. He was always hostile if I stopped by the office, so I was forced to work from home to avoid nasty incidents ... which I realized later was a way to keep me from catching him "under the influence". All this ended up with a poorly run business and declining finances ... which meant I had to work even harder trying to keep our money coming in ... along with parenting our 2 children. It was unbelievably stressful ... and eventually the truth came out... he had been drinking all along. I felt so angry and betrayed! He then stopped for a couple of years ... but started drinking secretly and lying again and he declined rapidly at that point until he was no longer functional. Our lives were in shambles and our finances a wreck ... all because of alcohol .. and I was left all alone to hold our family, business and finances together under the most stressful circumstances. My husband died a short while ago as a result of his addiction ... it was a tragic ending for someone that was once a strong, healthy, highly productive person.
My husband then tricked me for over 2 years by swearing he had stopped drinking for "me" ... but in reality he had been drinking at the office and trying to sober up by the time he came home. His phone calls from the office were strange and erratic. He was always out running unnecessary errands rather than doing critical work. He was always hostile if I stopped by the office, so I was forced to work from home to avoid nasty incidents ... which I realized later was a way to keep me from catching him "under the influence". All this ended up with a poorly run business and declining finances ... which meant I had to work even harder trying to keep our money coming in ... along with parenting our 2 children. It was unbelievably stressful ... and eventually the truth came out... he had been drinking all along. I felt so angry and betrayed! He then stopped for a couple of years ... but started drinking secretly and lying again and he declined rapidly at that point until he was no longer functional. Our lives were in shambles and our finances a wreck ... all because of alcohol .. and I was left all alone to hold our family, business and finances together under the most stressful circumstances. My husband died a short while ago as a result of his addiction ... it was a tragic ending for someone that was once a strong, healthy, highly productive person.
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by prodigal 
The way it works is YOU are held accountable if you lose your temper or make a mistake. If they lie, cheat, steal, abuse, accuse, misuse, whatever, they shrug it off like, "No big deal." Meanwhile, he's out acting like an irresponsible kid and blowing it off as if it's nothing. That is the insanity and that is what gets us so worked up that we lose it.
I think this is the worst part of the whole addiction thing. I can't count how many times-right up until this week-that I have 'ruined our family' or been the reason that AH had to use. After all, I was SO awful to live with, didn't pay attention to him, wouldn't go anywhere or do anything with him-poor little misunderstood addict.
We lost a very successful 25-year-old business to his irresponsiblity. He lives in a camper now somewhere because I just got to the point that I could not stand to have him anywhere near me.
Don't be so hard on yourself. You are human and addiction is insanity. We have all been in your shoes many more times than we care to remember.
Hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Booneyville USA
Posts: 246
Why is it when we start to recover we beat ourselves up for having EMOTIONS that are NORMAL and reacting in a normal way? You were angry. He screwed up. You are not supposed to turn into a numb machine just because you are working on YOUR recovery. EVERYBODY loses it once inawhile...codie, addict or "normal". Where does it say that we have to become these superhuman people who can ignore our impulses and emotions all the time? I think the only way to do that is to be DEAD! Everybody on here who gets angry at themselves or dissappointed in themselves for reacting needs to just take it easy and remember YOU'RE HUMAN! 
I worry about the people who can bottle their emotions so well they DON'T react to stuff like this!
I worry about the people who can bottle their emotions so well they DON'T react to stuff like this!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
