Care

Hey everyone, its been a long time. Last I wrote I had moved out of living with my A when he became verbally abusive, belligerent and began breaking things. That was Nov. The A found Christ and is sober now for about 5 mos & was confirmed this Easter. We were trying to work things out. I actually let myself start to fall in love with him all over again and even - go figure - proposed marriage. He's a different person - you all know - the nice wonderful guy - that "other" person. The good one. His response was we'll talk. Well last night he came by and gave me a 2 page dear john letter - I didn't see it coming. He says I hurt him alot when I left and no one had ever treated him like that and blah blah blah. His mom came into town for his confirmation which I attended & Easter mass and afterwards on the church steps if looks could kill (the way his mom was lookin at me) I would've flown across the street been hit by a semi and whatever was left would have exploded into tiny bits. She is angry with me because when I left him I took all my stuff, which left him with almost nothing, he's living in a nice apt, some furniture but not what she wants for her baby, and of course it's my fault. So I know she was a big influence but my hearts breaking right now and I'm all over the place. You all know that A's have alot desirous of walking away from, and once an A always an A, so why am I falling apart. I'm hurting like he's the only guy on this earth for me and I know that's not true. If I made a list of all I've done for him over the years, all the money spent, his bills paid etc. and he made it sound like I was selfish for not giving him some of my furniture when we broke up and not helping him out with money. Even though he is sober some of what he said is similar to things he would say when using. He thinks he's all fixed because he was confirmed. I need some perspective. Maybe someone out there has gone through this. He left it at "I need time, don't call me. But you can email me or send cards" I asked how long and he said don't ask. "I need time." So am I supposed to sit around and wait to be told he is dumping me for certain later? All along he was the one pushing marriage he was the one who couldn't live without me and ??? they drive you insane using or sober!

journeygal

((((((((((Care))))))))))

You are too special to be putting your life on hold and waiting for your A to come around. As painful as I know things are, I would work on letting him go and moving on. You deserve someone who will appreciate you for being independent and making choices that are in YOUR best interest, not theirs.

He says he needs time? Fine. Don't sit around waiting and don't look back. Let him be the one to come crying back to you when he changes his mind, and then YOU can decide if YOU want HIM back!!! And don't bother sending him cards or email. It's his way of trying to establish control over you and the whole situation.

Sorry if I sound a little harsh - I don't mean to! I know things are rough right now, but they will get better.

Hugs,
JG

smoke gets in my eyes

Hello Care.

Obviously he still has a lot of work to do. I've said this before and I'm sure I'll say it again... don't measure yourself with an addict's ruler. It's warped. And if mom wants him to have nice things let her buy them. Cards and emails indeed. I'd be sending a bill.

You've done nothing wrong. Don't let selfish or uninformed people make you feel small. Use the time away to figure out if YOU want HIM back. And next time mom gives you the evil eye... imagine there's a great big mirror between you, facing her. Let her wallow in her own bad vibe. It's nothing to do with you.

Hugs,
Smoke

LettingGo

Well up his nose with a rubber hose! That is what I have to say. He makes a perfect victim! Sounds like my ex husband. Makes me sick! You just work on you. When you begin to take the focus off of him, and start working on yourself, who knows if you will even want, "the good one" that he has in him. Maybe you are to good for him! Take him up on his offer... dont call dont write. See how how long he lasts. He is on a recovery high horse, and dont get me wrong, Recovery is exactly what we all pray for, but we also pray for your recovery. You need to put yourself first and if he is there when you are on YOUR way to recovery you MIGHT grace him with your presence!!!

lol is my irritation as obvious as when I read this post myself! Sorry but it is true, at least by how I feel! Good Luck, keep in touch!

Gabe

spell one word "REVENGE". Just my opinion, but I think he's trying to get back at you for leaving him. That being said, I think the best thing you could do is just move right along with your life, with a big ole smile on your face. He wants to see you suffer right now. Don't give him the satisfaction. As for his mother...well, if I get on my soapbox about men and their mothers, I will be writing long into the night.
Hugs to you Care. Just remember "they're makin' them thangs every day." Which is another way of saying "There's a lot of other ducks in the pond." Or is it "fish in the sea"? Whatever.
Peace,
Gabe

Ann

Care

My heart goes out to you girl and I kow you can get through this.

There are two possibilities here - either he really does want to move on with his life alone...in which case you are powerless and would be well advised to just move ahead in your own recovery and life...OR....he is being a jerk, in which case you would be well advised to just move ahead in your own recovery and life.

Forgive me if I sound a tad edgy, but there comes a time when once again the A tries to manipulate our feelings and put the shame on US, when we just say "enough".

Look at it this way, you are not just losing a man who isn't nice...you are ditching Judge Judy Mama at the same time = win/win.

You deserve better than this, and you can have it. "Nice" men have "nice" mamas.

Hangin' In

Care,

Let me add my AMEN to all the other posters here.

Care, if he really wants time, then why did he say you could email or write? Well, well, isn't he "Mr. Nice Guy?" How sweet of him to LET you email or write. (Sorry but I am oooozing with sarcasm here....directed at him!) Gimme a break! Excuse me, Mr. I Want To Keep Care on A String, but if you want time, then cut the string, buster! (Can you tell he's ticking me off just a tad????? )

Care, give him his time, total and complete time BY HIMSELF. Or maybe he could call mama and spend a lovely afternoon with her.

And re Mama...she's the one with the problem. What a miserable life to lead if she feels the need to flash looks that could kill.

Care, you out class this A and his mama by a mile.

I hope you can see that you deserve better. Don't sit around and wait on him to make up his mind. There are better days awaiting you out there. I know it's hard right now. I do know, but I truly believe that today can be the first day of the rest of a better life. Don't give up on yourself. You are worth much better treatment.

Will keep you in my prayers.

Love,

Hangin' In

lyn_blossom78

Didn't you make a sound, educated, well-examined, conscientious, decision awhile back when you decided to move out? Wasn't it the best thing to do? You surely didn't want to stay and be hit by flying objects, did you? That's what I thought!

His mother wasn't living with him. If she thinks she can do better for him, tell her to live with him awhile! Finding Christ didn't completely "fix" him--he still will need to do a lot of growing.

Just know that you made a good decision. Don't let the blame he is trying to heap on you weigh you down.

Hugs,

Lyn

Care

I always cry and laugh and feel so much better when I come here. Your words of encouragement, anger and frustration helped me to feel better. And I think the venting helped a few of y'all too! I agree with you all. As y'all know it's just hard sometimes to see the light at the other side of the tunnel when there's water full of crap rushing at you and your getting all sorts of turned around. The great thing is I can come here and talk to you all who know exactly what I'm talking about! Thank you so very much. Hugs and happier days to all of you.

Sally

you sound like a kind sensitive women.....(ma ma's look bothers you.).....well ma ma sees no evil in her baby boy.....you know how it goes..everyone needs to find salvation in blaming someone else for there downfalls.....(meaning ma ma)...ma ma's blinded by the hope and love she has for her son.........she will also hold him back....keep him stuck.....and enable him...
and all he really needs is mama....he get's much less static from her....she's much more low maintanance....well hope mama...has lots of free time on her hands to look after her everlasting baby boy......cause she'll need to.......and when mama aint around anymore....guess...who he's gonna call.......
Let baby boy grow up and detach.....from mama......baby boy needs a time-out...in his crib....

you my dear have all this free time to find yourself...hold the remote.....read when yyou want to......you won't always be alone.....we....seek......out the same.......when you get on your feet....you'll seek something different....

take care....


regards Sally

bandibabe

Take everyone's advise and move on take time for yourself and do what you want when you want!

I can't stop laughing at Lettingo's comment
"up his nose w/a rubber hose" I haven't heard that in so long, I'm just LOL! I think thats what I'll say next time X-to be calls.

As for Mama she's drowning in the river of DENIAL! My MIL is just the opposite and keeps asking me if I want anything else from the house and supports me all the way.
"up his nose w/a rubber hose"