domestic violence
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
domestic violence
i didn't want to hi-jack missy's thread, but thought this info would be important for others to know.
i work in the lodging business. about a month ago, a woman and small child showed up with a minister. she had been beaten and raped by her husband and the minister paid for her lodging for one week. other agencies swarmed on her....getting her clothing, food, money, etc.
she stayed one night, and went back to husband.
yesterday, she came back. he had held a gun to her head this time. again, local agencies paid for her stay and made sure she had food and money.
the first thing she did upon entering her room was begin calling her husband.
while she was in the office, she was discussing the gun incident in front of her little girl like she was discussing todays weather. the child continued to play with the items on my desk like it was nothing. i made the shhhh! sign to the mother and pointed to her 5 year old daughter....she says...oh, she knows all about it.
again, she is back with husband. this after the police coming here and taking the reports and all the agencies coming to her aid.
i fear we will be reading about this woman in the paper.
seeing her reactions was a reminder of how immune and numb we can become to the danger that can exist in our lives.
she is obviously shell-shocked.....she has "that" look.
i guess the reason i posted this was because i pray that all that find themselves in similiar situations will find help.
i work in the lodging business. about a month ago, a woman and small child showed up with a minister. she had been beaten and raped by her husband and the minister paid for her lodging for one week. other agencies swarmed on her....getting her clothing, food, money, etc.
she stayed one night, and went back to husband.
yesterday, she came back. he had held a gun to her head this time. again, local agencies paid for her stay and made sure she had food and money.
the first thing she did upon entering her room was begin calling her husband.
while she was in the office, she was discussing the gun incident in front of her little girl like she was discussing todays weather. the child continued to play with the items on my desk like it was nothing. i made the shhhh! sign to the mother and pointed to her 5 year old daughter....she says...oh, she knows all about it.
again, she is back with husband. this after the police coming here and taking the reports and all the agencies coming to her aid.
i fear we will be reading about this woman in the paper.
seeing her reactions was a reminder of how immune and numb we can become to the danger that can exist in our lives.
she is obviously shell-shocked.....she has "that" look.
i guess the reason i posted this was because i pray that all that find themselves in similiar situations will find help.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
I feel for her, and for what her daughter is living and learning too. I fear that the cycle will be repeated with her daughter, if they both live long enough that is.
It's my understanding that it takes an average of 6 -7 times of leaving before an abused woman finally leaves for good. It took me 4 or 5 times!
Sadly, many women won't have as many chances. My friend and co-worker is dead. Her son is now living without his Mom or his Dad, as the Dad is in prison for 68 years for killing her. Unfortunately, the young son was in the house when it happened. No one knows for sure exactly what he saw or heard. But, he was in the car with his dead Mom's body when the Dad dropped her body off at a dumpster.
I've learned that we can only plant a seed and direct people to the appropriate resources that are available. And yes, I do tend to encourage beyond that. It must be obvious to many that this is a huge sore spot for me. I guess it's in my blood now; I guess it always will be. I feel it's my responsibility to share what I know....for others....for me....and for my departed friend!
We can only plant a seed, encourage them in the right direction and pray they find their way and see the light before it's too late. The rest is up to them.
It's my understanding that it takes an average of 6 -7 times of leaving before an abused woman finally leaves for good. It took me 4 or 5 times!
Sadly, many women won't have as many chances. My friend and co-worker is dead. Her son is now living without his Mom or his Dad, as the Dad is in prison for 68 years for killing her. Unfortunately, the young son was in the house when it happened. No one knows for sure exactly what he saw or heard. But, he was in the car with his dead Mom's body when the Dad dropped her body off at a dumpster.
I've learned that we can only plant a seed and direct people to the appropriate resources that are available. And yes, I do tend to encourage beyond that. It must be obvious to many that this is a huge sore spot for me. I guess it's in my blood now; I guess it always will be. I feel it's my responsibility to share what I know....for others....for me....and for my departed friend!
We can only plant a seed, encourage them in the right direction and pray they find their way and see the light before it's too late. The rest is up to them.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Happy with me !
Posts: 680
Thanks embraced for the post !
There is a man here that is accused of shooting to death his wife of less than a year (it happened yesterday).....The news said there had been some domestic violence before.......and that alcohol was involved in this shooting.
So sad, but scary too....
I plan on "leaving for good" on Monday, when AH is at work....I have been packing up a last few things each day before I leave for work and then taking them to the apartment when I get off of work.... I don't want to confront him here in person, because there ARE guns in the house and you really don't know how the A will react......
I hope the woman that you are talking about "comes to her senses" before it is too late.
There is a man here that is accused of shooting to death his wife of less than a year (it happened yesterday).....The news said there had been some domestic violence before.......and that alcohol was involved in this shooting.
So sad, but scary too....
I plan on "leaving for good" on Monday, when AH is at work....I have been packing up a last few things each day before I leave for work and then taking them to the apartment when I get off of work.... I don't want to confront him here in person, because there ARE guns in the house and you really don't know how the A will react......
I hope the woman that you are talking about "comes to her senses" before it is too late.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Just a couple of weeks ago, in the small town where I live, a man shot his wife in their home. Then he got in his van and drove out of town and shot himself. Their three boys are 9, 4, and 2. There was previous domestic violence in this family and meth was involved. So sad.
L
L
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Thanks to all for sharing, hopefully some will be saved by reading this one post. It just goes to prove that just like with addiction, alcoholism, codependency and all the other 'isms' too numerous to mention>
Denial can be deadly.
I am so grateful for a place like SR where everyone can share their experience, strength and hope, because there are so many sad stories that don't have to become tragedies.
Thank you Jeri for sharing this.
Denial can be deadly.
I am so grateful for a place like SR where everyone can share their experience, strength and hope, because there are so many sad stories that don't have to become tragedies.
Thank you Jeri for sharing this.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I too thank you for sharing...it is so sad to see the demise of a human being, one who is so lost that they cannot see the forest through the trees.
Unfortunately, this is an everyday occurance and I ask myself "What are they thinking?" The answer is, they are no longer able to think clearly, they have lost all preception of rational thinking...all at the hands of another.
So very sad...
Unfortunately, this is an everyday occurance and I ask myself "What are they thinking?" The answer is, they are no longer able to think clearly, they have lost all preception of rational thinking...all at the hands of another.
So very sad...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
just this week, we had a man fly his small plane into his estranged wifes parents home with his 8 year old daughter with him. both were killed.
i just don't know what this world is coming to. again, alcohol was involved.
this woman at my lodging place....i gave her the al-anon monthly magazine....the forum. and told her if she was ever interested in getting some help for herself to give me a call and she could go to a meeting with me.
she left the magazine in the room when she left. at least maybe the seed is planted.
she is too afraid to leave, and too afraid to stay.
i just don't know what this world is coming to. again, alcohol was involved.
this woman at my lodging place....i gave her the al-anon monthly magazine....the forum. and told her if she was ever interested in getting some help for herself to give me a call and she could go to a meeting with me.
she left the magazine in the room when she left. at least maybe the seed is planted.
she is too afraid to leave, and too afraid to stay.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Originally Posted by embraced2000 
this woman at my lodging place....i gave her the al-anon monthly magazine....the forum. and told her if she was ever interested in getting some help for herself to give me a call and she could go to a meeting with me.
she left the magazine in the room when she left. at least maybe the seed is planted.
Several weeks before I took action, words from the police, the DV unit, and memories of my friend swarmed around in my mind. There's an expression...."I saw my life flash before my eyes", well, in my case, "I heard the people encouraging me about the action I needed to take" flood in my ears. It was either my HP or my desire to stay safe (probably both) that finally got me to agree to do what I already knew I had to do. The answers were buried in me somewhere, but I too had to be ready!
At this point, she really needs DV and law enforcement help....Al-Anon right now might not be the best option. However, 'after' she and her daughter get out and are safe, I think that would be wonderful for you to take her to her first meeting. Maybe she'll take you up on your kind offer. We 'can' hope!
I'm surprised they didn't take her and her daughter to a shelter. Maybe they suggested it, but she refused?
Seems to me that the police have enough evidence to arrest him. Do you know if he was? Domestic violence is not taken lightly anymore. And when there are guns involved, that just adds to the seriousness of the situation.
There could be more involved than just her denial or refusal to leave him. He could be threatening to harm/kill other family members if she left. Towards the end of my relationship, my ex described what he was going to do to me, then explained how he was going to bring me to my parent's house and beat/kill my parents. Because I was going to be too severely injured (as he explained) I would be powerless to stop him, and he would force me to watch them die. Then, I would know the pain of losing a parent. He lost his Mom when he was a teenager and every year at the anniversary of her death, he would become increasingly angry and his violence would spike! To be honest, it seemed as though he became the most evil then. And I do mean 'evil'. I can't find the words to explain the look in his eyes and his facial expressions....they were 'inhuman'....'pure evil'....I can't explain it other than to say it scared the crap out of me.
The list of reasons why this woman goes back to him could be endless. I'll keep her and her daughter in my prayers. Sometimes, that's all we have left!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Posts: 261
God knows I needed this post... I snuck in a phone call this morning to AH. he has a no contact for me and his daughter for 90 days....
Just to tell him his dr called and his meds are ready.
He tried to get me to meet with him at his moms. I said no. He told me doctor said liver, kidney, chlosteral, etc. isnt good. Stomach is bloated and they want him to see a specialist. I feel sad, but not surprised.
Can you believe I was thinking of falling yet for another trap of manulipitation?These alcoholics who are away have extreme anger. Even more than before so what was I thinking? We would end up aruging and then what?
Thank you Embrase for once again opening up my eyes.... and the Senerity prayer will be with me day and night.
We are looking at someone else that needs to be fixed when God is trying to give us the wakeup call to take care of ourselves.
I MUST see this through.
Missy xo
Just to tell him his dr called and his meds are ready.
He tried to get me to meet with him at his moms. I said no. He told me doctor said liver, kidney, chlosteral, etc. isnt good. Stomach is bloated and they want him to see a specialist. I feel sad, but not surprised.
Can you believe I was thinking of falling yet for another trap of manulipitation?These alcoholics who are away have extreme anger. Even more than before so what was I thinking? We would end up aruging and then what?
Thank you Embrase for once again opening up my eyes.... and the Senerity prayer will be with me day and night.
We are looking at someone else that needs to be fixed when God is trying to give us the wakeup call to take care of ourselves.
I MUST see this through.
Missy xo
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
I ended up filing for an order of protection last Friday after me AH tried to physically stop me from leaving our home. I knew that the divorce papers would be there within the hour and I did not want to be around.
He has been arrested three times in the past for DV, and every time I relented. I was consistently reminded that whatever he did had been justified by something that I did or said.
What sent me out of the house and into my car Friday was 'You know that when you called the police that time I hit you that I had to do it because you were acting so crazy and trying to get away from me'.
He tried to get into the locked car, then stood behind it and told me I would have to run over him to leave. I dialed 911 on my cell and when he saw me doing that he moved, but tried to shut the garage door. I backed out, and then he grabbed the front bumper of my car like he was going to be Superman and hold it so I couldn't leave. I held the cell up and dialed again. He let go. I threw it in reverse and backed down the driveway.
911 called my cell back and asked if I was alright, I told the guy what happened and he met me at the sheriff's office. I have a court date on Monday.
I was beginning to feel a little bad about it all until I read this thread. Thanks for the wake-up call!
He has been arrested three times in the past for DV, and every time I relented. I was consistently reminded that whatever he did had been justified by something that I did or said.
What sent me out of the house and into my car Friday was 'You know that when you called the police that time I hit you that I had to do it because you were acting so crazy and trying to get away from me'.
He tried to get into the locked car, then stood behind it and told me I would have to run over him to leave. I dialed 911 on my cell and when he saw me doing that he moved, but tried to shut the garage door. I backed out, and then he grabbed the front bumper of my car like he was going to be Superman and hold it so I couldn't leave. I held the cell up and dialed again. He let go. I threw it in reverse and backed down the driveway.
911 called my cell back and asked if I was alright, I told the guy what happened and he met me at the sheriff's office. I have a court date on Monday.
I was beginning to feel a little bad about it all until I read this thread. Thanks for the wake-up call!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
thank god you are safe, duet.
i, too, dropped two protective orders on my xh. i always slept with one eye open and on alert. i thank my god that i never have to live like that again.
after one has been out of these situations for a while, it is so easily recognized when you see someone else in it....like the woman that was here at my lodging facility.. they have the look, the actions, and the demeanor of someone who is living in disturbance.
prayers going up this moment for all in these situations, and that it may be revealed to them, that there is a way out.
i, too, dropped two protective orders on my xh. i always slept with one eye open and on alert. i thank my god that i never have to live like that again.
after one has been out of these situations for a while, it is so easily recognized when you see someone else in it....like the woman that was here at my lodging facility.. they have the look, the actions, and the demeanor of someone who is living in disturbance.
prayers going up this moment for all in these situations, and that it may be revealed to them, that there is a way out.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Good for you Duet!
"You made me do it" is a classic line from an abuser. Soooo many women buy into it, so you're not alone in that.
I'm glad you are taking the necessary steps to protect yourself. The first step is always the hardest. Lucky you, you've already done that part!!
Keep coming back!
"You made me do it" is a classic line from an abuser. Soooo many women buy into it, so you're not alone in that.
I'm glad you are taking the necessary steps to protect yourself. The first step is always the hardest. Lucky you, you've already done that part!!
Keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: corpus christi, tx
Posts: 211
Heres hoping that she and her little girl got out. I too worked in lodging for years and have had several women put up by the church. Hopefully she wasn't given cash because I've had such women that would get checked in then try and get a refund so they could go back to husband/boyfriend, sometimes they themselfs were involed with drugs or drink. The saddest part is always the disregard for the kids who have no voice and can only follow the parent.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
this woman is a professional person here in town.....she thinks her lifestyle is a big secret from the community and she is so ashamed and beaten down.
her food came in the form of gift certificates, and her money that was provided her was in the form of pre-paid gas cards at local stations. the clothing that was provided was from a local church. so she did not hve any cash, so to speak. but was provided for.
she was so humilitated, but it bothered me so badly that this small little girl was witnessing these conversations. and this woman was forced by her husband to leave her two smaller sons with her husband.
she feels powerless. hopeless.
she was offered to take shelter at a womans shelter about 25 miles from here....and it is a very nice shelter.....more of a home setting with a staff 24/7 but she was terrified of leaving her baby sons, and that hubs would hunt her down.
no matter what was suggested or help offered, she seemed to think he was all powerful and nothing on the face of the earth could stop him.
i told her he was just a mere mortal man that only had bully powers....but she was convinced he has supernatural powers.
her food came in the form of gift certificates, and her money that was provided her was in the form of pre-paid gas cards at local stations. the clothing that was provided was from a local church. so she did not hve any cash, so to speak. but was provided for.
she was so humilitated, but it bothered me so badly that this small little girl was witnessing these conversations. and this woman was forced by her husband to leave her two smaller sons with her husband.
she feels powerless. hopeless.
she was offered to take shelter at a womans shelter about 25 miles from here....and it is a very nice shelter.....more of a home setting with a staff 24/7 but she was terrified of leaving her baby sons, and that hubs would hunt her down.
no matter what was suggested or help offered, she seemed to think he was all powerful and nothing on the face of the earth could stop him.
i told her he was just a mere mortal man that only had bully powers....but she was convinced he has supernatural powers.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
We recently had a baby who didn't cry. Not necessarily a failure to thrive. The baby was about 5 months. the mother dropped the baby off and never came to see the baby the whole time. This baby soon got lots of hugs and nurses switched off carrying this little one around on our hip while we did our tasks. This baby just looked blank. At night you could sneak in to check the baby and he would be wide awake just looking around. One of the nurses said, "This child is used to not crying, there was no point to it". The mother was hot lined and the baby put in foster care. I understand that he is thriving now. Hopefully the child will not return home. The foster parents want to adopt. Unfortunately, if the mother does not have the child, she won't recieve benefits, so she will attend a "program" and probably get her child back.
There comes a time when a whole new issue comes into play and that is the children. They should be recieving their basic needs and if they aren't they need to be taken away because they are being harmed, neglected, effected.
I hope people will pick up the phone and give a report. Too often these cases are considered spats where the parents kiss and make up. True and devastating harm is coming to these kids.
The woman you speak of really doesn't have the ability to help herself or make good judgements.
There are simply too many couples at home crying theri eyes out because they can't have a child of their own.
I may be less skiddish to call a hot line because it is what I do for a living.
I know that my report will be founded or undounded and that's up to the parents to determine.
It is a devastating situation when you consider the effects on different age groups. Newborns, toddlers, preteens, teens. They all need a different kind of care and keeping.
When you see a child who does not react, that means they are used to it and that's nothing a child should get used to.
So far as I am concerned, it is allowing a criminal to continue.
Poor little baby! That child can not protect himself/herself. If my making a phone call leads to even a hot meal or one lullaby it will have been worth it. I, of course have devoted my life to the well being of children. It's what I do. All kids are good kids.
This woman sounds mentally ill. Mentally ill people shouldn't be tending to the needs of a small child.
I'm sure the whole incident is haunting. You do what you can and that's all you can do.
I am reminded of that saying, " All evil needs is for good people to do nothing".
I have no problem saying, "ENOUGH!" Not today, not on my watch!
There comes a time when a whole new issue comes into play and that is the children. They should be recieving their basic needs and if they aren't they need to be taken away because they are being harmed, neglected, effected.
I hope people will pick up the phone and give a report. Too often these cases are considered spats where the parents kiss and make up. True and devastating harm is coming to these kids.
The woman you speak of really doesn't have the ability to help herself or make good judgements.
There are simply too many couples at home crying theri eyes out because they can't have a child of their own.
I may be less skiddish to call a hot line because it is what I do for a living.
I know that my report will be founded or undounded and that's up to the parents to determine.
It is a devastating situation when you consider the effects on different age groups. Newborns, toddlers, preteens, teens. They all need a different kind of care and keeping.
When you see a child who does not react, that means they are used to it and that's nothing a child should get used to.
So far as I am concerned, it is allowing a criminal to continue.
Poor little baby! That child can not protect himself/herself. If my making a phone call leads to even a hot meal or one lullaby it will have been worth it. I, of course have devoted my life to the well being of children. It's what I do. All kids are good kids.
This woman sounds mentally ill. Mentally ill people shouldn't be tending to the needs of a small child.
I'm sure the whole incident is haunting. You do what you can and that's all you can do.
I am reminded of that saying, " All evil needs is for good people to do nothing".
I have no problem saying, "ENOUGH!" Not today, not on my watch!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
Our law firm used to handle divorces. We quit taking cases where domestic abuse was involved. More often than not, we would get right to the end of a divorce, and the wife would call it off and go back to the husband. It was very frustrating... and became very predictable.
Women who accept abuse are probably the sickest people on the face of the earth. I know... I used to be one of them. I tried to leave several times, only to have him find me, bring me back and threaten to kill me if I tried to leave again. I was very young, terrified and lost. Back in the 1970's, there wasn't the same focus on this issue (or as much help) as there is now. Why didn't I call the police? He WAS the police. And if you think they don't protect one another, just ask me.
Women who accept abuse are probably the sickest people on the face of the earth. I know... I used to be one of them. I tried to leave several times, only to have him find me, bring me back and threaten to kill me if I tried to leave again. I was very young, terrified and lost. Back in the 1970's, there wasn't the same focus on this issue (or as much help) as there is now. Why didn't I call the police? He WAS the police. And if you think they don't protect one another, just ask me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
i know what i'm about to write was manipulative, but i did it anyway.
when i saw the reaction of this little girl to her mothers tale of the gun held to her head, i sent the little girl outside to walk my dog in front of the office so we could see her, and encouraged the woman to call the police and make a report.
the reason it was manipulative was because i know from being in her shoes, how easily an abused person can be influenced when in the throes of the drama. i felt like this woman needed some sort of intervention with the system.
god help me if i was wrong, but it was so disturbing, and i knew if it got into the system, they would take over and maybe some resolve would happen.
the police called the welfare office and the welfare office called me for an interview about her time here.
and now i am worried if i have started a chain reaction that will cause this woman and her family further harm from the abuser.
i feel like i did what i should have done, but i wish i had been more honest and told the woman that she needed to contact the local pact office.....they take care of domestic violence cases here and are an advocate for the abused.
when i saw the reaction of this little girl to her mothers tale of the gun held to her head, i sent the little girl outside to walk my dog in front of the office so we could see her, and encouraged the woman to call the police and make a report.
the reason it was manipulative was because i know from being in her shoes, how easily an abused person can be influenced when in the throes of the drama. i felt like this woman needed some sort of intervention with the system.
god help me if i was wrong, but it was so disturbing, and i knew if it got into the system, they would take over and maybe some resolve would happen.
the police called the welfare office and the welfare office called me for an interview about her time here.
and now i am worried if i have started a chain reaction that will cause this woman and her family further harm from the abuser.
i feel like i did what i should have done, but i wish i had been more honest and told the woman that she needed to contact the local pact office.....they take care of domestic violence cases here and are an advocate for the abused.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
I understand your questioning if what you did was right, but I always say that I'd rather err on the side of caution! Especially when there's abuse and/or kids involved. And I don't think you erred here!
Sure, he could become more agitated, but that's the case with ANY woman who leaves an abusive relationship...not just her! Besides, whether or not he retaliates is clearly up to 'him'. Remember, we can't control what they do in these cases either.
Until the time she's declared unfit, whatever happens to her is still all up to her at this point. The kids though, those little kids...maybe, just maybe you gave them a chance that they wouldn't have otherwise had.
Sure, he could become more agitated, but that's the case with ANY woman who leaves an abusive relationship...not just her! Besides, whether or not he retaliates is clearly up to 'him'. Remember, we can't control what they do in these cases either.
Until the time she's declared unfit, whatever happens to her is still all up to her at this point. The kids though, those little kids...maybe, just maybe you gave them a chance that they wouldn't have otherwise had.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
