Test him for drugs or is he just sick?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Lafayette LA
Posts: 16
Test him for drugs or is he just sick?
Okay, so AH told me that I could test him whenever I wanted to. I never have. I almost did the day after Christmas. I was going to use my christmas money ($$$ for work clothes whooo hooo) And he talked me out of it. I still think I should have.....
Anyways, he has been sick since sunday. He missed work on monday. He was taking benadryl ALOT. And my gut feeling is, when I'm sick way worse than he is I don't take that much medicine. Usually he calls me countless times a day and now he never calls me. Then tonight I tried calling him from work to check on him and our daughter and he doesn't pick up his cell or the hosue phone. Later when I was off he picked up and I could tell he was asleep, but he said she was asleep. I get home and our daughter (2 years old) is sitting on the couch watching SOUTH PARK!!!!
He didn't give her a bath and he was passed out on the bed in his work clothes. I has washed our bedding this morning and placed it on the bed but hadn't fixed it and he was just laying all on top of it. I'm pissed and he tells me she didn't want to take a bath that she was freaking out... UM I'm sorry but this girl is a fish. She asks me all day on my days off to take a bath. Something is telling me that something is not right. But I know what will happen if I bring up a drug test. Guilt trips, and I've been doing so goods, and how will we ever get past this, and I swears and it will all end in a huge arguement and I will be left with even more questions and stress than I have right now. I'm really at the point where I don't care what he does anymore. If it has a hold of him that much..... I'm not going to try to save him. I'm not going to let him make me crazy with this ... excuse my laguage BULL SH*T!
But, I work at night and I can't have him passing out while he's with our daughter. It would be one thing if he didn't have a past. Then I would say, okay, he's sick and she's fine. But, it's not that simple. *sigh* What would you do if your gut is telling you somethings up?
P.S. Sorry so long and I hope someone is on here tonight because I don't think I can sleep.
Anyways, he has been sick since sunday. He missed work on monday. He was taking benadryl ALOT. And my gut feeling is, when I'm sick way worse than he is I don't take that much medicine. Usually he calls me countless times a day and now he never calls me. Then tonight I tried calling him from work to check on him and our daughter and he doesn't pick up his cell or the hosue phone. Later when I was off he picked up and I could tell he was asleep, but he said she was asleep. I get home and our daughter (2 years old) is sitting on the couch watching SOUTH PARK!!!!
He didn't give her a bath and he was passed out on the bed in his work clothes. I has washed our bedding this morning and placed it on the bed but hadn't fixed it and he was just laying all on top of it. I'm pissed and he tells me she didn't want to take a bath that she was freaking out... UM I'm sorry but this girl is a fish. She asks me all day on my days off to take a bath. Something is telling me that something is not right. But I know what will happen if I bring up a drug test. Guilt trips, and I've been doing so goods, and how will we ever get past this, and I swears and it will all end in a huge arguement and I will be left with even more questions and stress than I have right now. I'm really at the point where I don't care what he does anymore. If it has a hold of him that much..... I'm not going to try to save him. I'm not going to let him make me crazy with this ... excuse my laguage BULL SH*T!
But, I work at night and I can't have him passing out while he's with our daughter. It would be one thing if he didn't have a past. Then I would say, okay, he's sick and she's fine. But, it's not that simple. *sigh* What would you do if your gut is telling you somethings up?
P.S. Sorry so long and I hope someone is on here tonight because I don't think I can sleep.
Last edited by wifeofanaddict1; 03-07-2007 at 09:29 PM. Reason: typos
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 107
Hi Wife,
I am sorry if I am the only one here tonight b/c I am really new to the whole addict thing and my addict is my young adult son. So, I reply that you know you are not alone but possibly with no relevant words of encouragement!
One thing I took from my counseling was to trust your gut. So if you think something is not right, it probably isn't. I have never heard of benedryl abuse but perhaps it serves other purposes I am not aware of.
I struggle with the whole drug testing issue. I used to perform this on my AS, but stopped after a bit and when I tried to reinstitute it, it didn't go well. He refused. But in my case he was using.
I guess I am not sure the role it plays in a marital situation. Again, NAIVE question, most likely! What is the outcome or consequence if he fails? That is honestly a rhetorical question.
I have writtten a whole book here and not sure I helped but it is getting late in my time zone so I better stop. I hope you find the peace you seek!
I am sorry if I am the only one here tonight b/c I am really new to the whole addict thing and my addict is my young adult son. So, I reply that you know you are not alone but possibly with no relevant words of encouragement!
One thing I took from my counseling was to trust your gut. So if you think something is not right, it probably isn't. I have never heard of benedryl abuse but perhaps it serves other purposes I am not aware of.
I struggle with the whole drug testing issue. I used to perform this on my AS, but stopped after a bit and when I tried to reinstitute it, it didn't go well. He refused. But in my case he was using.
I guess I am not sure the role it plays in a marital situation. Again, NAIVE question, most likely! What is the outcome or consequence if he fails? That is honestly a rhetorical question.
I have writtten a whole book here and not sure I helped but it is getting late in my time zone so I better stop. I hope you find the peace you seek!
'Round and 'Round I Go....
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 478
Well...usually when I had a gut feeling about exAH I was right. But self doubt always managed to creep in to muck up my clear thinking. So my gut would tell me one thing...my heart would tell me another...my mind, well had a mind of its own...my guilt would say, "Cupi..what if he's not doing anything and you accuse him...then he might use it as a reason to use again". But despite all of that thinking I had going on, right in the middle was still my gut telling me that he used. Whether it's true or not, you have a responsibility to your daughter first and fore most. If she is not being looked after properly then if you could have someone else look after her, it might be a good idea to put that into place. As for the drug test...A can make up a story for a positive reading that would make your head spin, if he is indeed using, and you'll end up doubting yourself once again. I say that out of experience but if you feel you'll be more at peace giving him the test then do it. It can't hurt and most importantly, you can not cause him to use.
Many hugs to you at this difficult time.
Many hugs to you at this difficult time.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Lafayette LA
Posts: 16
Hi thanks for the reply. You see, AH's drug of choice is pills (prescription). While people don't get addicted to benadryl. I have seen him take more that the dosage on meds and I know it's just so he can get that drowsy feeling. Last year he was abusing tylenol pms believe it or not. Because , I found out later his uncle stopped giving him his precription meds.
Honestly I don't know what the consequences will be if he did not pass. I have told him he gets no more chances. Financially I don't know how I will do it. But, I refuse for my daughter to be brought up the way I was so I will find a way. My only issue is....... and I never in a million years thought I would ever have to say this *sigh* not being able to trust him watching our daughter.
I feel sick right now. It seems like everytime things in my life start getting a little better he's never there with me in the good times. He always finds a way to drag me back into my hole. I honestly don't really know what to do right now about this. My gut is telling me to wake him up and confront him..... but what will that do except get him angry and us argue and possibly wake up our daughter. She's more important than this... so it will have to wait.
I hate him sometimes... no I don't, I hate how he hurts me.
Honestly I don't know what the consequences will be if he did not pass. I have told him he gets no more chances. Financially I don't know how I will do it. But, I refuse for my daughter to be brought up the way I was so I will find a way. My only issue is....... and I never in a million years thought I would ever have to say this *sigh* not being able to trust him watching our daughter.
I feel sick right now. It seems like everytime things in my life start getting a little better he's never there with me in the good times. He always finds a way to drag me back into my hole. I honestly don't really know what to do right now about this. My gut is telling me to wake him up and confront him..... but what will that do except get him angry and us argue and possibly wake up our daughter. She's more important than this... so it will have to wait.
I hate him sometimes... no I don't, I hate how he hurts me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Lafayette LA
Posts: 16
That's exactly how I feel Cupi. What if he isn't using. He could make up any excuse as to why he would have a positive test, but I know there's only one way to have a positive and that's by swallowing it. So his excuses would just enrage me and make me kick him out.....
Should I confront him? I could make him come outside with me..... OMG I'm so not going to get one wink of sleep tonight. UGH
If it came to that, I have people to watch my daughter. But in order for that to happen, I have to confront him and test him. I can't just take his daughter away with no proof. Because changing out routine will be a big red sign that something is up with me and it will turn into huge drama.
Should I confront him? I could make him come outside with me..... OMG I'm so not going to get one wink of sleep tonight. UGH
If it came to that, I have people to watch my daughter. But in order for that to happen, I have to confront him and test him. I can't just take his daughter away with no proof. Because changing out routine will be a big red sign that something is up with me and it will turn into huge drama.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Whether he doing drugs or not, if, he is not capable of watching a 2 year old, I
believe you need to make other arrangements for her care and safety.
You would not be taking her away from him, you would be taking her away from a potentially dangerous situation. She cannot take care of herself at 2 and should never be left alone.
believe you need to make other arrangements for her care and safety.
You would not be taking her away from him, you would be taking her away from a potentially dangerous situation. She cannot take care of herself at 2 and should never be left alone.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
My thoughts match Dolly's. Regardless of the reason, your daughter was in a very dangerous situation last night...unattended. Tragic things happen so quickly and my first concern would be her safety.
Hugs for you, this must be hard.
Hugs for you, this must be hard.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: NY
Posts: 2,859
There are alot of controversy whether benadryl is addictive or not. I have heard that it could be addictive it is one of the more abused otc drugs. He's an addict and will take anything that gives him the altered state of mind. JMO. I have seen people addicted to many things including A-jax. I would get a babysitter. You dont want to chance it with your daughter. If he gives you a guilt trip about a drug test and puts up a fight you will know your answer. I am sorry that you have to go through this.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
sorry about all of this, i agree with dolly too. sorry, but is avoiding an arguement and the drama that goes with it worth risking your daughters safety? 2yrs old is mighty young and im sure curious, what if she got into something dangerous while he was asleep?
i know personally of a child drowing in the bath tug while parents slept, a child got into some potash(sp) while parent was not watching( both died at 2), and we almost lost my own grand daughter when she was 2 yrs old, sitter was not paying attention to her. she put both her little hand in scolding hot water, pealing off ALL the skin on both hands and wrist. she is scarred and will need surgery for the rest of her life. she is now 12yrs.
as far as the test, there are a lot of cleaning agents out there and addicts usually have already found out which ones work best and fastest. like you said, it may even cause drama too. maybe go on your gut, whether its true or not and make plans around what you feel. time will tell you what you need to know. addiction can't hide inself forever. take care of you and your daughter, and allow your ah to do the same.
i think that i would just have to deal with the consequences if it would keep my child safe. i am very passionate about the kids in this, sorry don't mean to offend you are scare you, just want you to be aware of the danger here.
i know personally of a child drowing in the bath tug while parents slept, a child got into some potash(sp) while parent was not watching( both died at 2), and we almost lost my own grand daughter when she was 2 yrs old, sitter was not paying attention to her. she put both her little hand in scolding hot water, pealing off ALL the skin on both hands and wrist. she is scarred and will need surgery for the rest of her life. she is now 12yrs.
as far as the test, there are a lot of cleaning agents out there and addicts usually have already found out which ones work best and fastest. like you said, it may even cause drama too. maybe go on your gut, whether its true or not and make plans around what you feel. time will tell you what you need to know. addiction can't hide inself forever. take care of you and your daughter, and allow your ah to do the same.
i think that i would just have to deal with the consequences if it would keep my child safe. i am very passionate about the kids in this, sorry don't mean to offend you are scare you, just want you to be aware of the danger here.
'Round and 'Round I Go....
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 478
Whether or not you do confront him is of course ultimately up to you. I find that I, personally, usually have to find my own time and way to confront someone about anything. It usually takes some mental motivation, alot of analyzing, figuring how I am going to approach the situation and what I'm going to say. The issue with your daughter obviously needs to be addressed on a more urgent level...so this is where you need to figure out...are you more worried about how you will make him feel if you accuse him or your daughter being left alone while he sleeps from taking too many pills. If he infact took pill but regardless he still left your daughter alone.
I'm sorry you have to be faced with this kind of decision making. Nobody ever thinks they will be thrown into a situation like this.
I'm sorry you have to be faced with this kind of decision making. Nobody ever thinks they will be thrown into a situation like this.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Edmonton AB
Posts: 285
Sorry it's the next day, lol!
Your post is very simular to my experience before I left home. I worked nights for over a year and left my AH responsible for our son.
Countless times I would come home at 4am to find every light on in the house, our son would be sleeping in his room with his bedroom light on with AH passed out on the couch with his work clothes still on.
There were times our son would tell me that he tried to wake Daddy up but he never woke up.
Our dinner that I made would still be on the stove "spoiled" because he never put it away.
Several times the door was left wide open!
One time I came home just minutes after I left due to a schedule error and AH was in the garage smoking weed.. only to deny it after I asked.
My AH was addicted to cough syrup with codine for over 10 years. He would drink a half a bottle daily and take asitominaphine with codine on top of that.
He passed out everywere.
I wouldn't spend any money testing your AH. He is giving you the option because he suspects you wouldn't anyway. Even if you did, I'm sure he would give lies and excuses of the test being wrong anyway.
Your gut is right... You know that.
I'm sorry that this has worried you and left you stressed to go to work. I've been there.
I had to quit my job because I could no longer trust him. He abused the fact that we needed the money and used when I was at work.
I told my AH, if he was a babysitter, I would have fired him and then charged him for child neglect..
Your post is very simular to my experience before I left home. I worked nights for over a year and left my AH responsible for our son.
Countless times I would come home at 4am to find every light on in the house, our son would be sleeping in his room with his bedroom light on with AH passed out on the couch with his work clothes still on.
There were times our son would tell me that he tried to wake Daddy up but he never woke up.
Our dinner that I made would still be on the stove "spoiled" because he never put it away.
Several times the door was left wide open!
One time I came home just minutes after I left due to a schedule error and AH was in the garage smoking weed.. only to deny it after I asked.
My AH was addicted to cough syrup with codine for over 10 years. He would drink a half a bottle daily and take asitominaphine with codine on top of that.
He passed out everywere.
I wouldn't spend any money testing your AH. He is giving you the option because he suspects you wouldn't anyway. Even if you did, I'm sure he would give lies and excuses of the test being wrong anyway.
Your gut is right... You know that.
I'm sorry that this has worried you and left you stressed to go to work. I've been there.
I had to quit my job because I could no longer trust him. He abused the fact that we needed the money and used when I was at work.
I told my AH, if he was a babysitter, I would have fired him and then charged him for child neglect..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Lafayette LA
Posts: 16
Okay, I guess I really didn't explain myself to well. As soon as I got home I woke him up and addressed the fact that he was sleeping and not watching our daughter. This hasn't happened before. I made it very clear that it was unacceptable and I pointed out all of the dangers in our house that she could have gotten into. He apologized and took her to bed. What I meant by confronting him was with a drug test and starting an agrument that would wake my daughter up. Trust me my daughter in my main concern in all of this so. I guess I should have explained myself better but I had a long day at work anf in was late into the night when I made the post.
I would never ever risk my daughter's safety just to avoid an argument. I just want to make that clear.
I am just having a hard time trusting AH at all so yes he was sick but, the first thing that comes into my mind is he's on drugs. I am still trying to decide on what to do and figure out if this is my gut talking to me or if it's my fears of it happening all over again taking me over.
I would never ever risk my daughter's safety just to avoid an argument. I just want to make that clear.
I am just having a hard time trusting AH at all so yes he was sick but, the first thing that comes into my mind is he's on drugs. I am still trying to decide on what to do and figure out if this is my gut talking to me or if it's my fears of it happening all over again taking me over.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
sorry, as long as the baby is safe, try to let time tell you whatever else you need to know, still think that it maybe a good idea from time to time to allow maybe family to help with the baby until you figure out if there is a need to get another sitter. you know casually and or gradually. keeping you and your family in my prayers.
Starry Girl
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Starry Night
Posts: 251
I'm in the same situation. I have left my son ( age 3) with my AH before and he's done drugs around him, taken him to the dealers, taken him to cash in coin for cash to buy drugs, etc. etc. No more. I have come to realize I can no longer trust my AH to be a responsible parent to our son and that I am the one who must assume that role.
As a result, AH is no longer allowed to be alone with our son. Even recently, if I leave them alone it is a near guarentee that AH will take advantage of that to do something wrong.
It's much harder on me and my family, esp. my Mom and Grandma, because they bear the burden of watching my son most of the time. I can't afford babysitters so I have to depend on family. Sometimes I really wish I had a normal relationship where I could trust my son's father with his safety, but my AH has proven time and time again he is not responsible and not trustworth and I just will not take a chance with my son. Even if it doesn't involve drugs, I will not leave AH with son.
So even though it's more work for me to find someone to watch my kid and also drive him back and forth, I'd rather that than have him find the pills his dad left out the last time he was high and didn't care....
As a result, AH is no longer allowed to be alone with our son. Even recently, if I leave them alone it is a near guarentee that AH will take advantage of that to do something wrong.
It's much harder on me and my family, esp. my Mom and Grandma, because they bear the burden of watching my son most of the time. I can't afford babysitters so I have to depend on family. Sometimes I really wish I had a normal relationship where I could trust my son's father with his safety, but my AH has proven time and time again he is not responsible and not trustworth and I just will not take a chance with my son. Even if it doesn't involve drugs, I will not leave AH with son.
So even though it's more work for me to find someone to watch my kid and also drive him back and forth, I'd rather that than have him find the pills his dad left out the last time he was high and didn't care....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
It does not matter whether it is drugs or if he is sick with an actual cold. If he can't be responsible, he can't be responsible. I know that many times when my daughter was young I would have very bad colds. It never stopped me from taking care of my daughter. I would push myself to take care of her. When you have children you can't be irresponsible. It comes with the territory (sick or not) Would you have been in your husband's position sick or not? Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: on the road
Posts: 110
Hi Wifeof,
My experience is that it is pointless to drug test unless there is a consequence. I think it would be worse to test him, and then not do anything about it. Unless you have a plan, that is what would most likely happen. I know how hard it is to be put in this position.
In the mean time, come up with a plan for your daughter. Perhaps find a babysitter she can go to. You do not need to feel bad about being "wrong" about him using or not using. His past has caused your doubts, and you have every right to protect yourself. This does not mean you don't love him, but that you are taking care of the practical matters of your life.
Big hug,
jeepgirl
My experience is that it is pointless to drug test unless there is a consequence. I think it would be worse to test him, and then not do anything about it. Unless you have a plan, that is what would most likely happen. I know how hard it is to be put in this position.
In the mean time, come up with a plan for your daughter. Perhaps find a babysitter she can go to. You do not need to feel bad about being "wrong" about him using or not using. His past has caused your doubts, and you have every right to protect yourself. This does not mean you don't love him, but that you are taking care of the practical matters of your life.
Big hug,
jeepgirl
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