arkansaschicky

I have been lurking but now it's time to join in. I am a 33 year old mother of a 5 year old autistic son and 2 1/2 year fraternal twin boys. I haven't seen them since October 31, 2006. I was married to a cop for 9 years and a stay at home mom for the last 5 years. Over the years I snuck and took hydros for fun but after the birth of the twins I went into a deep depression and not wanting anyone to think I couldn't handle it I started self medicating myself. The hydro's got out of control and then I had to take them to even carry on a somewhat normal life or so I thought. I bought them anyway I could from whoever. On August 3, 2006, it all came to a head. My husband was supporting me and helped me get into a 28 day treatment center. The day I left there I still had reservation because 3 days later I was back at it again. Two weeks later on our anniversary my husband took the kids to the park and 10 minutes later I was served with divorce and custody papers. I fought so hard to stay sober and the day of court I did not hear what I wanted to hear. I did not get custody. To me everyother week-end was hard because I was used to taking care of my babies 24 hours a day so instead of fighting harder I gave up. I relapsed again and this time with another addict whose doc was Crack. I lost visitation and now can not even talk to my boys until the final hearing for that comes up next month. I started smoking crack on a regular basis and now I feel that I am out of control. I have been in jail and now have felony charges on me. I am not the person that my husband married and the embarrassment of going to work and facing the other officers was too much for him to handle. I just want my life back. My family and friends have all turned away and asked me not to contact them again. I am still trying to understand that because in my sick head they are supposed to love me and support me emotionally through anything. Again I used that excuse and went deeper into addiction of crack. I have asked for help in getting into a rehab but was told if I wanted it bad enough then I would find a way. I lost my home and am living with the active addict who I first smoked crack with. Why is it that I do not have money for getting counseling and treatment for my depression but I can always get money for crack. I feel that I am ready but I still have that damn reservation. When is it going to end?

TamTam

Hi chicky- welcome to SR. I would tihnk that if you went to a hospital and said you wanted help they would help you- not sure, though. I'm sure others will be along shortly to help. Keep us updated.

Astro

It ends when the pain becomes too much to bear and you're willing to do anything to stay clean.

I'm sorry that you've had to endure so much pain, and my thoughts and prayers are with you. More help will be along soon.

ayla zaire

welcome.....i'm so sorry for your pain and losses.....you are in the right place here.....i'm glad you found us...

hugs
ayla

Surlyredhead

I am sorry you are in such pain chicky, my story is very similar to yours. I also lost custody of my older Son, I couldn't seem to get 10 days in a row sober(even after treatment), eventually my ex took our Son and disappeared, I haven't seen either one in 14 years. It has taken a lot of tears and a lot of sleepless nights to forgive myself for being sick (there are still tears sometimes). I have a Son who I am raising now, who I gave birth to when I had a year and a half sober. He knows about his older brother and why he is not with us. I had to forgive myself in order to get better.....someday, I hope my older Son will find me (I have tried PIs to find them, but neither has had an active SS number since 1994) I don't know if he thinks I am dead or alive. I am telling you this so you know that you never have to lose visitation rights, but you will have to fight those Demons harder than you ever thought possible. I would give anything to be able to see my Son, even as a non-custodial parent, you see, it could be worse. You still have a chance...but you will have to get better for YOU first, even before you children, because without you...there is no MOM for them. You are not alone, I will pray that you have the strength I did not at the time.

Cathy AKA:SRH

Pilgrim

I am so sorry to hear about everything you have gone through and I hope and pray that you will be able to overcome such terrible addiction.

Everyone here understands the pain of addiction. If you want to stop, there are ways. If you decide to stop, this website is the first step.

Thanks for not lurking anymore. You have taken a really big step already just writing your story to us. We can be your family for the moment.

Love and hugs,

Steff

arkansaschicky

Thank you for the support. Addiction is so evil.

topetah

hello chicky i am new here too. thank you for posting. you are in the right place. im so sorry to hear about your kids. you asked when is it going to end? you can start right now. but first i would get out of that addicts house. you will never quit smoking crack if it is around you and so easy to obtain. your problems are much like mine. i used to drink untill i get drunk and then smoke crack. but if you have ever noticed the first hit is always the best, anything after that your just trying to get the feeling you had when you took that first hit. its the devil. i hope all the best for you.

arkansaschicky

I do realize getting out of this house would be the first step. That is a another problem in itself. He threatens suicide anytime I talk about going into treatment. He has been through 8 different treatment centers. That is a whole problem in itself that I have to deal with too. He has his way of using control on me.

topetah

that really sounds like a messed up situation. i cant tell you what to do. but if it was me i would worry about myself first. you are what is important. not that your friend isnt important but he must do it on his own like you must. im no counsler here believe me lol. this is just my opinion. its never good to have someone have control over anyone. these could just be threats to keep you around and high with him. i dont know im just trying to help if i can. i think people here with a longer sober record could be of better help to you. i just wanted to let you know your not alone. i hope you find what your looking for. regards.. jason

Sugah

There's no guarantee of getting anything back by getting and staying clean. Chances are, in time, you can be back in your children's lives, but chances are also near 100% that your situation won't get better and probably a whole lot worse. I don't know of any active crack addict whose life improved while still using (That run lasted seven years for me, and I don't know how I lived through it).

As far as your housemate threatening suicide...imagine that. An addict using threats to keep a hostage. I thought I was the only one who pulled those kinds of stunts (I'm kidding, of course). Take care of you. If he has any desire to get better, he'll do the same. Chances are, he'll probably just find another hostage.

I'll say a prayer for you. I remember what it was like, and it does get better, if you want it to.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Lacie257

My name is Lacie I'm 16 and I am an addict, drug of choice being cocaine and I'm here to find support and new friends in my process of recovery. I now have 4 days and I'm still growing and searching for more help.

Chartien

Hi,

I'm new here too.....and these shares are really sad. Please call the NA Hotline and ask for help - the meetings are free you are given the gift of recovery just for the asking.

I just read a saying the other day that has stayed in my thoughts:

"It's never too late to start living happily ever after."

Chartien

juliee

Stay and you both die!

Golfman

Lacie,

Welcome to SR. We're here to help any way we can. You'll be loved, cared for, and comforted here. You are the most imortant person here today. Please let us know how we can help.

Your friend,
Ed