wantthistowork

to talk to his family? he reached out to his mother the second to last time he had a bad episode. His mother was an alcoholic, she has been sober for 5 years or so. Last time he drank (last friday) when I came home and he was passed out and then it led to drama, I didn't call her (he is 30, it seems really strange to call his mother). However, since she has been through this I would like to talk to her more about my role and what I should/shouldn't be doing, plus she obviously loves and cares for her son. We hung out with his brother yesterday and I questioned saying something to him, but I refrained, and of course the whole day was centered around if/when we would meet up for drinks. My boyfriend told me he was starting to get upset because that is what the talk was about, that he knows this is going to be hard (yet he didn't drink). Anyway, I care for him, so does his family, and based on the information that Hope3 sent, I was wondering if I should talk more with them or not?

Cynay

Hey there want....

Boy good question.

You know, I probably would not talk with her. I would not want to get caught up in the family dynamics.... I would probably just go to Al-anon/AA, they will know first hand and then you dont get into the middle of what his family is going through.

Just my thoughts.

lilac

I agree with Cynay......I would'nt talk to his mother about it....stay out of the family drama.....

Plus, no matter what he is still her son (one of her own)....

(((Hugs)))

StandingStrong

As a codependant enabler - no one could tell me anything. I could justify anything for my A's behavior!
Talking to her really will probably do no good.

What would you get out of talking to her?
And would it really be worth it for you?

Sunflower

I am the Mother of an AS and I would hope if my son was married or living with someone and he was having troubles that all would feel comfortable sharing with me. I would want to help in any way I could--if only for emotional support.Of course boundries would have to be set up-so I would know where to step and where not to.Seeing as she is an recovering A--that is even better.
Sounds like you are looking for support face to face kind--you can get that in alanon but not like family--maybe his mother could keep it private between you and her and she can act as a sounding board and support you.Good Luck

Grasshopper

Hi,can only share my experience here..smile.
Although there is alcoholism,in my hubs family.When i called his mother,asking for help for him,she as well as the,rest of the, family members,stuck up for him.I became the outcast.All i was doing,was asking for her help.She took the defensive stance.I couldnt understand this at all...Years later when there could be no more denil,they admitted to me,that their was alcoholism in the family,and that some have even been going to AA,for years.
Pray and ask for God,s will.For my experience doesnt have to be yours too.It may work out for you,if you speak with his mom,and maybe it wont.And i will pray with you too.
God Bless,

mallowcup

Is it appropriate? I don't think that's the question really. Would it help? No. She is in her own recovery because once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. She may not drink and she may tell the absolute truth but she doesn't have any more magic than you. I think what would happen is that he would just become more distanced and secretive. Short of an intervention handled just right, it feels like ganging up.
I would do some reading. get to alanon if you can and build up your wisdom and your conviction. From there when you do something, you'll have confidence about it. You will set boundaries and be more likely to keep them. It's hard when you don't know what to do and when you do something, you aren't sure it's the right thing.
You will get some good advice here. You will get good support here.
If you did talk to his mother, what do you anticipate the outcome being?
You see, it's a desperate move. She knows he has a problem already.
I think it's good for you to talk about this.

stillsearching

hello,

I tried this one and talked to my MIL because if it were my son I would want to know what was going on. But, it certainly backfired on me...she placed all the blame on me, saying maybe it was the way I talked to him, that I chose my children over him on and on she went. She even went as far as to explain several things she had "seen" while at our home. They live in another State, and I have not talked with her since then...will not either and that was 8 months ago.

I was shocked and would never reach out to her again. So, if you do this be prepared to get it thrown back in your lap.

denny57

I just remembered something. My MIL actually called me. This was when AH was out of the country and a couple weeks before I told him he couldn't come back to the house. She was worried that he was suicidal. I said I don't think so, but we've been in contact and he knows what he needs to do. She then started talking about all the stress he was under, how we had had guests in the house, which made him run to Australia, how work was so tough on him, etc. I realized then, as much as I knew she loved me, that I could not talk with her honestly about the "real" problem. Even though AH's dad is also alcoholic and she has led a life very similar to mine.

If I were to talk to her, it would only be to discuss a possible intervention. Otherwise, being a recovering A herself, I think she's already aware.

((()))

Sunflower

How awful if it backfires--I can imagine--and it must be the rare relative that can handle it--even thought I think she should try her MIL...If he has a problem-yes-she must be aware of it..but maybe she doesn't want to interfere unless asked to...only you can make that choice--you know what she is like...