How guilt has been controlling my life.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
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How guilt has been controlling my life.
I've always known that I carried a lot of guilt. I also knew deep in my heart that some of the guilt I was carrying really wasn't all mine to carry, but I'd carried it anyway.
Just last week, my oldest son (who has recently moved back in with me after living with XAH for the past 3 years) was asking me questions about the past. He admitted that he'd blocked a lot of things out. It didn't take long for him to start remembering things on his own.
We talked about many things that night. And then started son's confessional (if I may call it that). He began telling me things that XAH had lied to me about - told me of things that he'd lied to me about - and even told me of the things that XAH had told him to lie to me about and even told me the reasons/excuses that XAH had used for son to lie to me!
There is a saying that "The truth shall set you free!" and that saying really does apply to this situation. Because finally, I had confirmation of some of the things I'd thought but could not prove. Finally, I knew the truth! And there is no douting son's words as the reasons that XAH had used to convince son to lie to me were in reference to things I'd said and conversations that XAH and I had that son could no way know about!
I awoke the next morning feeling as though a weight had been lifted off my shoulders! It was an odd feeling! I also realized that I no longer felt guilty.
At first I thought this was all from the information I now knew from son about things that XAH had done, etc. But now that a week has passed and I've had a lot of time to really analyze why I'm feeling so much better - I made a super huge discovery!
I feel better because I no longer have to feel guilty about the things that I'd been feeling guilty about the most!!!
I didn't have to feel guilty about the man I'd been seeing before - because now I knew that XAh's "fling" was more of a relationship than he'd admitted. It wasn't just a one night stand like he said.
I didn't have to feel guilty that son hates me for having destroyed his family as he knew it. After we talked, son said that he understood and that he no longer is angry.
I didn't have to feel guilty that son hadn't had much to do with me over the past few years because I'd chosen to destroy his family and he'd hated that I was seeing someone. Come to find out - alot of that guilt was unwarranted as XAH had made me feel so much guilt for how much I'd hurt son. Son and I talking finally brought a lot of things to light - yes, he'd been mad and hurt, but not to the extent that I thought. come to find out - son didn't come around much because he didn't want caught in the middle - he was afraid I'd ask questions and he said that when he'd go home, XAH would ask him what I said and would ask son what he'd told me! I cannot even imagine how son felt throughout this mess! The guilt that HE must have felt had to be terrible!
Anyways......my point is that I really have released the guilt I was carrying. I feel better about so many things! I feel relieved and free! It is such a hard thing to put into words! And something else I realized is that I had sabotoged my own happiness more times than I can count because I felt guilty!!!!!!!! What a revelation that has been!
Sadly, the guilt that I'd been carrying has cost me years of my life that I can never get back. It has taken time away that could have been better spent! And it cost me the man I was seeing. He was my best friend and I miss him more than anything. But because of the damage that I caused, he now needs time for himself to figure things out. And as much as that hurts, I do understand it as I remember being in that place too.
But today I am ready to move on with my life. Before, I had gotten through the divorce and I felt stuck. Today I am ready to move on with my life and enjoy it! I'm ready to live! Guilt-free!
Just last week, my oldest son (who has recently moved back in with me after living with XAH for the past 3 years) was asking me questions about the past. He admitted that he'd blocked a lot of things out. It didn't take long for him to start remembering things on his own.
We talked about many things that night. And then started son's confessional (if I may call it that). He began telling me things that XAH had lied to me about - told me of things that he'd lied to me about - and even told me of the things that XAH had told him to lie to me about and even told me the reasons/excuses that XAH had used for son to lie to me!
There is a saying that "The truth shall set you free!" and that saying really does apply to this situation. Because finally, I had confirmation of some of the things I'd thought but could not prove. Finally, I knew the truth! And there is no douting son's words as the reasons that XAH had used to convince son to lie to me were in reference to things I'd said and conversations that XAH and I had that son could no way know about!
I awoke the next morning feeling as though a weight had been lifted off my shoulders! It was an odd feeling! I also realized that I no longer felt guilty.
At first I thought this was all from the information I now knew from son about things that XAH had done, etc. But now that a week has passed and I've had a lot of time to really analyze why I'm feeling so much better - I made a super huge discovery!
I feel better because I no longer have to feel guilty about the things that I'd been feeling guilty about the most!!!
I didn't have to feel guilty about the man I'd been seeing before - because now I knew that XAh's "fling" was more of a relationship than he'd admitted. It wasn't just a one night stand like he said.
I didn't have to feel guilty that son hates me for having destroyed his family as he knew it. After we talked, son said that he understood and that he no longer is angry.
I didn't have to feel guilty that son hadn't had much to do with me over the past few years because I'd chosen to destroy his family and he'd hated that I was seeing someone. Come to find out - alot of that guilt was unwarranted as XAH had made me feel so much guilt for how much I'd hurt son. Son and I talking finally brought a lot of things to light - yes, he'd been mad and hurt, but not to the extent that I thought. come to find out - son didn't come around much because he didn't want caught in the middle - he was afraid I'd ask questions and he said that when he'd go home, XAH would ask him what I said and would ask son what he'd told me! I cannot even imagine how son felt throughout this mess! The guilt that HE must have felt had to be terrible!
Anyways......my point is that I really have released the guilt I was carrying. I feel better about so many things! I feel relieved and free! It is such a hard thing to put into words! And something else I realized is that I had sabotoged my own happiness more times than I can count because I felt guilty!!!!!!!! What a revelation that has been!
Sadly, the guilt that I'd been carrying has cost me years of my life that I can never get back. It has taken time away that could have been better spent! And it cost me the man I was seeing. He was my best friend and I miss him more than anything. But because of the damage that I caused, he now needs time for himself to figure things out. And as much as that hurts, I do understand it as I remember being in that place too.
But today I am ready to move on with my life. Before, I had gotten through the divorce and I felt stuck. Today I am ready to move on with my life and enjoy it! I'm ready to live! Guilt-free!
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
After reading my post, I realize that I didn't explain that last part very well.
I divorced XAH knowing it was the right and best thing to do.
But after the divorce, I just felt stuck. I wouldn't allow myself to move forward!
The only way I know how to describe it is like this:
I hadn't given myself permission to go on w/ my life because I felt so guilty!
How I could go on and have a great life when I'd hurt my son so badly?
How could I go on with my life when XAh swore that he was telling the truth and I had no proof otherwise?
How could I go on with my life when I'd destroyed a marriage and a family?
What right did I have to be with someone else and have a happy life when I still was being ate alive by guilt?
The above are examples - not written as explanatory as I wish I could explain - but I realize now that I did, indeed, sabotage my own happiness.
The scary part is that I may have went my entire life feeling so guilty if it had not been for son and my talking and getting things straightened out and facing & fixing the situation between us. Knowing that my son and I are okay again has truly freed me!!!
The point in my post is that I hope that no one puts themselves through the H*LL that I did because of guilt! Especially since I realize now that I had no reason to feel guilty for the things I felt guilty for!
I divorced XAH knowing it was the right and best thing to do.
But after the divorce, I just felt stuck. I wouldn't allow myself to move forward!
The only way I know how to describe it is like this:
I hadn't given myself permission to go on w/ my life because I felt so guilty!
How I could go on and have a great life when I'd hurt my son so badly?
How could I go on with my life when XAh swore that he was telling the truth and I had no proof otherwise?
How could I go on with my life when I'd destroyed a marriage and a family?
What right did I have to be with someone else and have a happy life when I still was being ate alive by guilt?
The above are examples - not written as explanatory as I wish I could explain - but I realize now that I did, indeed, sabotage my own happiness.
The scary part is that I may have went my entire life feeling so guilty if it had not been for son and my talking and getting things straightened out and facing & fixing the situation between us. Knowing that my son and I are okay again has truly freed me!!!
The point in my post is that I hope that no one puts themselves through the H*LL that I did because of guilt! Especially since I realize now that I had no reason to feel guilty for the things I felt guilty for!
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Victoria, Australia
Posts: 12
I live with the guilt too.
My sons watched me get on with my life after divorcing their father and find personal happiness, which at the time I thought was a good thing for them too. Then as the years rolled by and my sons reached 16/17 years and the hormones kicked in, it seemed each time I said the tough-love word "NO" one by one they left me to live with their A-father. He never says "no" to them. They are in their 20's now and do not have/want any relationship or contact with me except for the occasional plea for money.
I feel guilty because I have a good/happy life apart from not having any kind of relationship with my sons, which hurts me deeply . I think my sons resent my good life and feel sorry for their A-father who is not doing well in his life. I dunno what to do I'm so confused and hurt...
I'm probably not making much sense but I related to your post and felt real joy for you StandingStrong. Also it gave me hope that in the near future that my sons will want me in their lives again. People tell me I was a good mum but, I keep thinking I must of done something wrong to lose their love...?
My sons watched me get on with my life after divorcing their father and find personal happiness, which at the time I thought was a good thing for them too. Then as the years rolled by and my sons reached 16/17 years and the hormones kicked in, it seemed each time I said the tough-love word "NO" one by one they left me to live with their A-father. He never says "no" to them. They are in their 20's now and do not have/want any relationship or contact with me except for the occasional plea for money.
I feel guilty because I have a good/happy life apart from not having any kind of relationship with my sons, which hurts me deeply . I think my sons resent my good life and feel sorry for their A-father who is not doing well in his life. I dunno what to do I'm so confused and hurt...
I'm probably not making much sense but I related to your post and felt real joy for you StandingStrong. Also it gave me hope that in the near future that my sons will want me in their lives again. People tell me I was a good mum but, I keep thinking I must of done something wrong to lose their love...?
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
I'm so happy for you to have that load off your back. The best thing I hear though is what is happening between you and your son. He must be feeling better too, to be able to open up to you. What a wonderful relationship you have with him now and it will only get better with more time and understanding. It's a huge thing. Your son's honesty speaks of his good character and you should be very proud of him.
thanks for sharing with us!
thanks for sharing with us!
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
What a great post...I'm really glad you found your way beyond the guilt. You said it so well, the guilt sabatoges your own happiness.
I hope you can live in now and not regret the years that were lost in the guilt. I really believe there are reasons for everything and sometimes a life lesson can't be learned until we are ready to hear it. Your son had to go through his own process too. I'm glad he is with you and you had this talk. I'm sure it has strengthened your relationship.
Rejoice in your new found guilt free life. There are so many wonderful things just waiting for you to find. Hugs
I hope you can live in now and not regret the years that were lost in the guilt. I really believe there are reasons for everything and sometimes a life lesson can't be learned until we are ready to hear it. Your son had to go through his own process too. I'm glad he is with you and you had this talk. I'm sure it has strengthened your relationship.
Rejoice in your new found guilt free life. There are so many wonderful things just waiting for you to find. Hugs
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
SS, I just want to say that watching your growth has been a beautiful thing. You have come so far and continue to grow. It's all about letting go, isn't it? And for me, letting go hasn't come all at once. And it didn't automatically happen when I separated from my husband. It has been a long process, and it happens ever so slowly, bit by bit. And just when I think I have let go, I realize that I still haven't. There is still more. I'm glad we are on this journey together. You inspire me. 
L
L
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Thank you everyone. I send each of you the biggest "Thank You"'s! It has been while here at SR that I've benefitted the most in my own journey!
It has been 3 years since I joined and I sometimes go back and read my old posts. I sometimes have gone back and read old emails, IM conversations, and letters that XAH has written. It sometimes amazes even myself to see just how far I've come. I can see the manipulation that he used to guilt me, to make me feel worthless, the times he blamed me, and the games he'd play. I can see where slowly, I was detaching and getting stronger as the truth was dawning on me. It has seemed like a slow process along the way, but I know that I'm in such a better place now.
I really have a hard time explaining just how this talk with my son has changed my life. Like what was said above, it truly is about letting go. The more that keeps being revealed to me - the more I let go. The more I let go, the better my life really is.
Recovery is good! It hurts like H*ll when you're going through it, but for each small step, my life surely does get a little better.
It has been 3 years since I joined and I sometimes go back and read my old posts. I sometimes have gone back and read old emails, IM conversations, and letters that XAH has written. It sometimes amazes even myself to see just how far I've come. I can see the manipulation that he used to guilt me, to make me feel worthless, the times he blamed me, and the games he'd play. I can see where slowly, I was detaching and getting stronger as the truth was dawning on me. It has seemed like a slow process along the way, but I know that I'm in such a better place now.
I really have a hard time explaining just how this talk with my son has changed my life. Like what was said above, it truly is about letting go. The more that keeps being revealed to me - the more I let go. The more I let go, the better my life really is.
Recovery is good! It hurts like H*ll when you're going through it, but for each small step, my life surely does get a little better.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: nor cal
Posts: 113
It is amazing how we get the information just when we need it and we can use it to benefit ourselves. A few years ago you might of handled the information and conversation with your son differently.
I recently had a conversation with my son that a few years ago might have been extremely painful, but because of our growth it was quite healing.
Recovery is good!
I recently had a conversation with my son that a few years ago might have been extremely painful, but because of our growth it was quite healing.
Recovery is good!
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