Ann

Question How do I know if I'm abused?

Answer

Woman abuse is any verbal threat or physical force used to create fear and control what you do.

With all abuse, the abuser uses power over those they are abusing. The abuser is responsible for his or her behaviour. Abusers often use alcohol or drugs as an excuse. But the real cause is their need to use violence and abuse to control another person. (Adapted from information provided by Education Wife Assault and the National Clearinghouse on Family Violence .)

There are many ways to tell if you are being abused. Here is a list of possible signs of abuse adapted from information from Interval House, Hamilton, Ontario and North York Public Health Department.

Do you feel:

*
like you have to "walk on eggshells" to keep your partner from getting angry?
* frightened by his/her temper?
* you can't live without him/her?
* you should stop seeing other friends or family, or give up activities you enjoy because s/he doesn't like them?
* afraid to tell him/her your worries and feelings about the relationship
* you should comply because you are afraid to hurt his/her feelings; and have the urge to "rescue" him/her when s/he is troubled?
* you are the only one who can help him/her and that you should try to "reform" him/her?



Do you believe:

* you must stay because you feel s/he will harm or kill himself/herself if you leave?
* jealousy is a sign of love?
* the critical things s/he says to make you feel bad about yourself?
* there is something wrong with you if you don't enjoy the sexual things s/he makes you do?
* in the traditional ideas of what a man and a woman should be and do -- that the man makes the decisions and the woman pleases him?



Have you:

* found yourself making excuses to yourself or others for your partner's behaviour when you are treated badly?
* stopped expressing opinions if s/he doesn't agree with them?
* been kicked, hit, shoved, or had things thrown at you by him/her when s/he was jealous or angry?



Question Are there different kinds of woman abuse?

Answer

You can be abused in many different ways. The following are just some examples:

Physical abuse

* Slapping or biting you, or pulling your hair
* Destroying your property
* Abusing your loved ones such as children, siblings or parents
* "Caring" for you in a controlling way. This can include things like giving you too much medication or keeping you confined.
* Using a weapon or other objects to threaten, hurt or kill you.


Psychological or emotional abuse

Threats

* Threatening to take your children away from you
* Threatening to put you in an institution
* Threatening to commit suicide / homicide
* Threatening to withdraw immigration sponsorship, or to have you deported
* Following you
* Watching you
* Harassing you



Control

* Controlling your time, what you do, how you dress and how you wear your hair
* Putting limits on whom you can visit or talk to on the phone
* Keeping you away from friends and relatives. This is also called "isolation."
* Not respecting your privacy
* Denying sex, affection or personal care.


Verbal abuse

* Putting you down and calling you names all the time
* Calling you stupid, crazy or irrational
* Accusing you of cheating
* Attacking your self-esteem in other ways.


Sexual abuse

* Touching or acting sexual in any way that you don't want
* Forcing or pressuring you into sexual acts
* Forcing you to be a prostitute
* Not letting you have information and education about sexuality
* Forcing you to get pregnant, have an abortion, or have an operation so that you can't have children.
* Infecting you with HIV or other sexually transmitted diseases.


Neglect and isolation

* Not letting you see a doctor or dentist
* Taking away TTY, hearing aids or a guide dog
* Locking you in the house without a phone
* Not allowing you to see friends or family members
* Not letting you work outside of the home
* Not allowing you to take courses in ESL (English as a Second Language).


Financial abuse or exploitation

* Controlling how you spend money, where you work and what property you buy
* Spending all family income including your money or savings
* Using credit cards without your permission; destroying your credit rating
* Forcing you to turn over your benefit payments to him or her.


Spiritual abuse

* Putting you down or attacking your spiritual beliefs
* Not allowing you to attend the church, synagogue, mosque or temple of your choice
* Forcing you to join or stay in a cult.

(Adapted from information provided by Education Wife Assault and the National Clearinghouse on Family Violence .)


Question How can woman abuse affect me?

Answer

The effects of abuse don't stop once the hitting, yelling or put-downs stop. Here are some of the results of woman abuse:

* Low self-esteem
* Feelings of helplessness
* Self blame and guilt
* Depression
* Anger
* Self-destructive behaviour
* Anxiety / Stress
* Difficulty sleeping or eating



Question How can woman abuse affect my children?

Answer

Everyone is effected by woman abuse neighbourhoods, families, work places. According to a 1999 survey on family violence, more than 461,000 Canadian children had witnessed violence between family members in the five previous years. Other research shows that boys often react to witnessing violence by becoming more hostile and aggressive while girls often become depressed, anxious and complain of physical pain. A large portion of children exposed to abuse continue the cycle in their intimate relationships as adults.

Some children use drawings to express their feelings. Click here to see how children show how they feel about witnessing violence in their homes.


Question How does woman abuse affect society?

Answer

It adds costs to society in the form of higher taxes, increased demands on health and social service agencies and lost production. One report puts the cost of violence against women in Canada at four billion dollars annually - and that's a conservative estimate.


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Making a safety plan involves identifying the steps you can take to increase your safety and helps to prepare you and your children in advance for the possibility of further violence.

My Personal Safety Plan

While I do not have control over my abuser's violence, I can make myself and my children safer by planning actions that will help us deal with the abuse.

I will use this plan as a guide and reminder to help me find ways to be safe. If I am concerned that my abuser will find a printout, I will write the points I believe apply to me on a separate piece of paper and hide it in a safe place.

I will review and update this plan on a regular basis so that I will be ready in case my situation changes.


What I Can Do Before A Violent Incident


If I believe my partner will be violent, there are a number of things I can think about in advance. I can prepare to leave by doing some of the following things,

I will keep a suitcase, box or bag________________________________ where I can get to it quickly and easily. In it, I will keep as many of the following items as I can:

* An extra set of keys for the apartment or house and vehicle
* Small bills and change for taxis and telephone call
* Identification papers - passport, social insurance card, birth certificates, immigration papers, citizenship card, aboriginal status card
* Driver's licence and registration
* Health cards and children's immunization records for myself and my children
* Divorce and custody papers
* Restraining orders, peace bonds, any other court orders
* Bank books, cheque book, credit cards, mortgage or loan papers
* Lease/rental agreement, property deed, business or partnership agreements, rent or mortgage payment receipts
* Address book
* Photograph of my (ex) partner to help identify him/her
* A list of other items I can pick up later


I can keep my purse, wallet, personal identification, keys and other emergency items __________________ in case I have to leave suddenly.

I can open a separate bank account in my name at _______________. I will request that any statements be sent to _______________ so that my abuser doesn't see them.

I can also check to see how much money is in our joint account in case I need to remove half the money quickly. If my abuser knows my account or PINnumber,
I will ____________________________________.

I can help my children escape by telling them _______________________________. I will teach them the number of the local police _________________ and other emergency numbers such as _____________________.

I will review and revise my safety plan every ____________________________.


What I Can Do During a Violent Incident


I must be able to think and act quickly in order to keep myself and my children safe during a violent episode. Here are some things I can do to increase my safety.

I can make sure I can grab my clothes and/or my children's clothes quickly
by _______________________. If my abuser asks me what I'm doing, I will tell him/her_____________________________.

I trust ______________________ and ___________________ to tell them about my situation. I will use the code word _________________ to let them know I am in danger and to contact police immediately.

I can use the code word ________________ with my children so that they can protect themselves during a violent incident.

I will look in each room and figure out the best way to escape. I will try to stay out of places such as the bathroom and kitchen if there is no outside exit.I will also try to avoid places where weapons such as knives or guns are kept.

On the main floor, the best way to get out is _______________________________
On the second floor, the best way to get out is ______________________________
In the basement, the best way to get out is _________________________________

I will use my judgment and intuition. If the situation is very dangerous, I should consider _______________ to calm down my abuser. I will remember that my first priority is to keep myself and my children safe.

I will review and revise this safety plan every _______________________


My Child(ren)'s Safety


I know that the best thing my children can do for me during a violent episode
is to get away and protect themselves. I can tell them to ______________________________ if they see me being abused.

I can teach them to pick a safe room like _____________ , preferably with a lock and access to a telephone. It is important to me and to them that they get out of the room where the abuse is occurring as soon as possible.

I can tell them their most important job is to keep themselves safe. I will explain it using these words________________________________________
______________________

I will teach them how to call for help. If they cannot safely get to a telephone in my home, I will talk to them about using our neighbour's ________________________ phone or the nearest payphone, which is located at ___________________________.

I will make sure they know they don't need money to dial an emergency number. If I have a cell phone, I will teach them how to dial 9-1-1 or other emergency number.

I will make sure they know their name and address if they need help. If we live in the country, I will teach them their address, including concession and lot number.

I can rehearse what my children will say when they call for help. For instance, we can practise how to contact the police like this:
Dial 911.

An operator will answer:

"Police, Fire, Ambulance."

Your child says:

Police.

Then your child says:

My name is ______________.

I am ____years old.

I need help. Send the police.

Someone is hurting my mom.

The address here is _______________.

The phone number here is ______________.

I will teach my children to leave the phone off the hook after they are done talking. The police may call the number back if they hang up, which could create a dangerous situation for me and my child/children.

I can also tell my children about Neighbourhood Block Parents program and how to use it. The nearest Block Parent lives at ___________________________________.

I will pick a safe place such as ______________to meet my children outside our home after the situation is safe for me and for them (so we can easily find each other). I will teach my children the safest route to the planned place of safety for them.

We will review and revise our safety plan every ________________________.


What I Can Do When I Am Living in a New Place


I can increase security by ___________________________________________.
I may want to change the locks and put bars on the windows if I think my (ex) partner has a key.

I will talk to my children and tell them to _________________________________ if my (ex) partner shows up.

I will teach my children how to dial police or ambulance numbers. In my area, the number for police is ________________.

I will keep copies of any court orders with me at all times. I will give copies of these orders to (school, day care, police) _________________________________________ and tell them to call me if they see my partner. I will give these people copies of my partner's photograph so they can recognize him/her.

I can install a peephole my children can use. I will tell them to ___________________ if my abuser shows up.

I can get these features installed on my telephone (call blocking, call display, unpublished number, speed dial) ________________________to increase my safety.

I can block email messages from my partner or switch Internet service providers. If my abuser can access my email password, I can __________________________________.

I can have the emergency numbers in my area ready by writing them out.

Police____________________________________________ ______________

Hospital__________________________________________ ______________

Women's Shelter___________________________________________ ______

Crisis Line______________________________________________ ________

Children's Services__________________________________________ _____

Other services__________________________________________ _________

I can install fire detectors and extinguishers on each floor. I will put them _______________________________________.

Here are some other things I can do to increase my safety__________________________


Safety in My Neighbourhood


I will tell _________________________ to call police if they hear a fight in my home.

I will tell __________________________ who can and cannot pick up my child(ren).

I can ask ______________________ to look after my children in an emergency situation.

I can ask ________________________ to keep my emergency escape plan items at their house.

I can switch banks, grocery stores and other services so that I can avoid running into my abuser. I can go to _________________ at different times than I did when I was with my partner.

I may want to change my doctor, dentist or other professional services if I think my partner may track me down there. I will explain my situation to ________________.

I can make sure my name is not on my mailbox or in an apartment directory.


How I Can Increase My Safety at Work


I can tell (my boss, co-workers, human resource personnel) ______________ of my situation.

I can ask _____________________ to help screen my telephone calls at work. I can also use voice
mail to screen calls.

I can block unwanted emails or send them to a folder where I do not have to read them.

When I leave, I can ask ________________________ to walk me to my car/the bus/the train to ensure my safety.

I can get a "call police" banner for my car to alert other drivers.

If I run into problems on my way home I can ________________________________.

If I agree to see my abuser, I can go to a public place such as ________________________ so that we will not be in an isolated place.

Some other safety precautions I can take are________________________________


Safety with A Court Order


I can report to the police any violations of the conditions of a court order. If the police officer will not help me, I can report the breach to the OPP Detachment Commander or the Chief of Police in the area where the court order was violated. I can get a copy of my partner's court order from the court offices located at __________________________ and keep it with me at all times.

If my partner destroys the order, I can get another copy at _______________________

If I move to another town or district, I will notify the local police of the court order, my new location and my partner's history of violent behavior. I will do the same thing if I often visit other cities/towns/countries. The numbers I need to call are______________.

I will tell the following people (boss, religious leader, close friend, counselor ______________________________________ about the order, including all conditions.


Taking Care of My Emotional Well-Being


I realize that I have been through a lot and I may be feeling exhausted and emotionally drained. I know that building a new life free of violence takes a great deal of courage and requires a lot of energy. Here are some things I can do to take care of my health. I may choose as many of these options as I feel comfortable doing.

* Attend as many Crisis Counselling group sessions as I can.
* Become involved in community activities to reduce feeling isolated.
* Take a part-time job to reduce isolation and to improve my finances.
* Enroll in school to increase my skills.
* Join support groups of other women to gain support and strengthen my relationships with other people.
* Take time for myself to read, meditate, play music, etc.
* Spend time with people who make me feel good and provide support.
* Take part in social activities, e.g. movie, dinner, exercise.
* Take care of my sleep and nutritional needs.
* Keep a personal journal to write about my feelings, especially when I am feeling low or vulnerable. I will keep it in a safe place or burn it.
* Take time to prepare myself emotionally before entering stressful situations like talking with my partner, meeting with lawyers, or attending court.
* Try not to overbook myself - limit myself to one appointment per day to reduce stress.
* Be creative and do whatever makes me feel good.
* Write something positive about myself everyday - my own personal affirmations.
* I will not find my comfort in excessive use of alcohol or food - it only serves to increase my depression.
* Avoid excessive shopping and impulse buying.
* Join a health club or start an exercise program. It will increase my energy level and sense of well being.
* It's OK to feel angry, but find positive and constructive ways to express my anger.
* Remember that I am the most important person to take care of right now.



I will review and revise the sections of the safety plan that apply to me every __________________ to make sure I am on track.


Safety for Women in Special Circumstances (Rural Women, Women with Disabilities, Immigrant Women)


If I am concerned my partner will track me down by long-distance telephone records, I will find out the toll-free number of the closest shelter. That number is ____________.

If I cannot leave my home because of disabilities, I will contact__________________ to make arrangements for transportation when my partner is not there.

I do not feel comfortable speaking English, so I will ask _________________ to translate or help me find someone to talk to me in another language.

I can ask ___________________ if I am concerned about my animals' welfare should I leave.

Here are some other things I can do to feel safer
__________________________________________________ ____
__________________________________________________ ____
__________________________________________________ ____



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Dr. Lenore Walker first identified the cycle of violence in her book The Battered Woman based on her research of women who had been in abusive relationships. Walker describes three phases of the battering cycle: the tension building phase, the acute battering incident and the honeymoon phase.

THE CYCLE OF ABUSE

Phase I: The tension Building

During this phase, the tension between a couple builds and arguments erupt easily. This is when accusations are made, everyday occurrences become unbearable disturbances and tension in the environment increases. There may be violent verbal outbursts, strained silences or sulking. Many women describe this as "walking on eggshells".
This phase may last only a day or two, or it could go on for several months or even years


Phase II: The acute incident

This is when the actual "fight" occurs. There may be slapping, pushing, hitting, biting, kicking, or shoving. There may be threats or the use of a weapon, sexual abuse, or even murder.

Phase III: The honeymoon

In this phase of the cycle, the batter makes many apologies and promises that will never happen again. There may be a honeymoon-like euphoria while the couple "makes up" with presents, flowers, romantic dinners out. The victim begins to hope that the batterer is genuinely remorseful, and chooses to believe that the violence will not happen again.
This phase slowly dissolves into the tension building phase, and the cycle repeats itself.

The duration of each phase varies, and will change over time. The Honeymoon Phases will become shorter, as the abuser begins to threaten even worse harm if the victim dares to leave. The Tension Building Phase quickly absorbs honeymoon time and often completely replaces it. As the abuse becomes more frequent and severe the couple moves through the cycle more quickly. Most abusive relationships begin with verbal abuse, and then move into violence, which escalates and becomes more deadly the longer the couple is together.

Many victims of abuse hang on to the belief that "the real person" will someday return for good. But they do not realize that the abuser is "the real person."

raerae6

I Got Flowers Today
(Dedicated to Battered Women)

I got flowers today!
It wasn't my birthday or any other special day.
We had our first argument last night;
And he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt;
I know that he is sorry and didn’t mean to say the things he said;
Because he sent me flowers today.


I got flowers today.
It wasn't our anniversary or any other special day.
Last night, he threw me into a wall and started to choke me.
It seemed like a nightmare.
I couldn't believe that it was real.
I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over.
I know he must be sorry.
Because he sent me flowers today.


I got flowers today!
It wasn’t our anniversary or any other special day;
Last night he threw me into a wall and then started choking me;
It seemed unreal, a nightmare, but you wake up from nightmares;
And I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over—but I know he is sorry;
Because he sent me flowers today.


I got flowers today!
And it wasn’t Valentines Day or any other special day;
Last night he beat me and threatened to kill me;
Make-up and long sleeves didn’t hide the cuts and bruises this time;
I couldn’t go to work today because I didn’t want anyone to know—but I know he’s sorry;
Because he sent me flowers today.


I got flowers today!
And it wasn’t Mother’s Day or any other special day;
Last night he beat me again, and it was worse than all of the other times;
If I leave him, what will I do? How will I take care of the kids? What about money?
I’m afraid of him, but I’m too scared and dependent to leave him! But he must be sorry;
Because he sent me flowers today.


I got flowers today….
Today was a special day—it was the day of my funeral;
Last night he killed me;
If only I would have gathered the courage and strength to leave him;
I could have received help from the Women’s Shelter, but I didn’t ask for their help;
So I got flowers today—for the last time.

Lovestoomuch

OMG.......this sent chill bumps up and down me. The last time I was with my oldest daughter's dad he had a gun to my head. I don't know how I managed to escape that one, but I put his sorry butt in prison and never looked back.

For 10 years I put up with every form of abuse listed in Ann's post. For 10 years I tried to keep it together for our daughter's sake..............thought I was doing the right thing. I was so wrong.

duet_4-8

Me. too, loves. Not only that, but I blamed everything on drugs. I have learned that my ex is abusive, period. Drugs or not.

raerae6

Red Flags For Abusive Relationships:

EMOTIONAL ABUSE includes hurting another person's feelings by saying cruel, unfair comments or by name calling, such as:

cursing, swearing and/or screaming at you

repeated harassment, interrogation or degradation

attacks on self-esteem and/or insults to your person (name-calling, put-downs, ridicule)

attacks on and/or insults about people you care for, your family and friends

threatening to "come out for you" at work or to your family

controlling and/or limiting your behavior (e.g.: keeping you from using the phone or seeing friends, not letting you leave the room or the house, following you and

monitoring or limiting your phone conversations, checking the mileage on your car, or
keeping you from reading material, ideas, activities and places that he does not like)

interrupting you while you are eating, forcing you to stay awake or to get up from sleep

blaming you for everything that goes wrong

forcing you to do degrading things (e.g.: making you kneel, making you beg for money)

using the difference in physical size to intimidate you

criticizing your thoughts, feelings, opinions, beliefs and actions

treating you like a servant or "underling" in matters of household chores and decisions

being extremely jealous, constantly accusing you of flirting or of cheating
spitting at or near you

using money to control you (e.g.: taking money from you, giving you an allowance, controlling how extra money is spent, forcing you to ask for and account for any money you get, and acting like the work you do at home is of no economic value to the family)

telling you that you are "sick" and need therapy

using physical disabilities against you or putting you down for your disability


PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE is any threat to do bodily harm to a partner, a child, a family member, friends, pets, or one's self (suicide). Psychological abuse involves not only hurt and anger, but also fear and degradation. The purpose of psychological abuse is to render you emotionally insecure about your own self-worth and to render you helpless and/or not able to escape further physical, sexual and/or psychological abuse. Examples include your partner:

threatening to punch, hit, slap or kick

threatening to use a weapon

threatening to harm him/her-self if you leave

threatening to punish children to "get back" at you

threatening to harm pets • throwing objects in your direction

vague threats such as: "You're going to get it," or "I'm really going to let you have it"

harming a pet to "get back" at you

smashing and breaking things

throwing objects around the room

punching walls, slamming doors

hiding, stealing or destroying your possessions

sabotaging your car

any emotional abuse which in the past was a prelude to physical or sexual abuse

SEXUAL ABUSE is any non-consenting sexual act or behavior. Examples include your partner forcing sexual activity when:

you indicate "no" and your limits are not respected

you are sleeping • you are drunk or high and are unable to say "no"

you are afraid to say "no" Or when your partner:

insists that you dress in a more sexual way than you wish to dress

makes demeaning remarks about how you dress

makes demeaning remarks about your body and/or body parts

minimizes your feelings about sex

berates you about your sexual history; blames you if you were sexually abused in the past or as a child

criticizes you sexually (calling you "frigid," for example)

insists on touching you sexually when you do not want to be touched, either when the two of you are alone or in the presence of others

calls you a ***** or a ****

has affairs with other women (often flaunting them) after agreeing not to have sex with anyone but you

physically attacking sexual parts of your body, (grabbing your breasts, pinching your buttocks, any touch that is unwanted)

forcing you to perform any specific sexual act that you do not wish to do (for example oral sex, or acting out pornography)

PHYSICAL ABUSE is any forceful or violent physical behavior. Examples include:

slapping
choking
punching
kicking
pinching
pushing
shoving
biting
spanking
scratching
grabbing
throwing bodily
burning
restraining
spitting
Other behaviors in this category include throwing objects at the partner, or using or threatening to use a weapon of any kind (stick, ruler, belt, whip, knife, spoon, gun...)


From the Domestic Abuse Project

ConcernedBigSis

*Taken from ACADV Webpage.

Domestic violence affects every member of the family, including the children. Family violence creates a home environment where children live in constant fear.
Children who witness family violence are affected in ways similar to children who are physically abused.. They are often unable to establish nurturing bonds with either parent Children are at greater risk for abuse and neglect if they live in a violent home.
Statistics show that over 3 million children witness violence in their home each year. Those who see and hear violence in the home suffer physically and emotionally.

"Families under stress produce children under stress. If a spouse is being abused and there are children in the home, the children are affected by the abuse." (Ackerman and Pickering, 1989)
Dynamics of domestic violence are unhealthy for children:

control of family by one dominant member.
abuse of a parent.
isolation.
protecting the "family secret".
Children react to their environment in different ways, and reactions can vary depending on the child's gender and age.

Children exposed to family violence are more likely to develop social, emotional, psychological and or behavioral problems than those who are not. Recent research indicates that children who witness domestic violence show more anxiety, low self esteem, depression, anger and temperament problems than children who do not witness violence in the home. The trauma they experience can show up in emotional, behavioral, social and physical disturbances that effect their development and can continue into adulthood.
Some potential effects:

Emotional

Grief for family and personal losses.
Shame, guilt, and self blame.
Confusion about conflicting feelings toward parents.
Fear of abandonment, or expressing emotions, the unknown or personal injury.
Anger.
Depression and feelings of helplessness and powerlessness.
Embarrassment.
Behavioral
Acting out or withdrawing.
Aggressive or passive.
Refusing to go to school.
Care taking; acting as a parent substitute.
Lying to avoid confrontation.
Rigid defenses.
Excessive attention seeking.
Bedwetting and nightmares.
Out of control behavior.
Reduced intellectual competency.
Manipulation, dependency, mood swings.
Social
Isolation from friends and relatives.
Stormy relationships.
Difficulty in trusting, especially adults.
Poor anger management and problem solving skills.
Excessive social involvement to avoid home.
Passivity with peers or bullying.
Engaged in exploitative relationships as perpetrator or victim.
Physical
Somatic complaints, headaches and stomachaches.
Nervous, anxious, short attention span.
Tired and lethargic.
Frequently ill.
Poor personal hygiene.
Regression in development.
High risk play.
Self abuse


For Parents:
Giving Children Love and Care
Nurturing children from abusive homes can bring healing to their lives. In giving needed love and care to children, it is important for a parent to reflect these essentials:
Trust and Respect
Acknowledge children's right to have their own feelings, friends, activities and opinions. Promote independence, allow for privacy and respect their feelings for the other parent. Believe in them.
Provide Emotional Security
Talk and act so children feel safe and comfortable expressing themselves. Be gentle. Be dependable.
Provide Physical Security
Provide healthy food, safe shelter and appropriate clothing. Teach personal hygiene and nutrition. Monitor safety. Maintain a family routine. Attend to wounds.
Provide Discipline
Be consistent; ensure that rules are appropriate to age and development of the child. Be clear about limits and expectations. Use discipline to give instruction, not to punish.
Give Time
Participate in your children's lives, in their activities, school, sports, special events, celebrations and friends. Include your children in your activities. Reveal who you are to your children.
Encourage and Support
Be affirming. Encourage children to follow their interests. Let children disagree with you. Recognize improvement. Teach new skills. Let them make mistakes.
Give Affection
Express verbal and physical affection. Be affectionate when your children are physically or emotionally hurt.
Care for Yourself
Give yourself personal time. Keep yourself healthy. Maintain friendships. Accept love.



Child Victim/Witness of Domestic Violence
Age-specific indicators

Infants
Basic need for attachment is disrupted.
Routines around feeding/sleeping are disturbed.
Injuries while "caught in the crossfire".
Irritability or inconsolable crying.
Frequent illness.
Difficulty sleeping.
Diarrhea.
Developmental delays.
Lack of responsiveness.

Preschool
Somatic or psychosomatic complaints.
Regression.
Irritability.
Fearful of being alone.
Extreme separation anxiety.
Developmental delays.
Sympathetic toward mother.

Elmentary Age
Vacillate between being eager to please and being hostile.
Verbal about home life.
Developmental delays.
Externalized behavior problems.
Inadequate social skill development.
Gender role modeling creates conflict/confusion.

Preadolescence
Behavior problems become more serious.
Increased internalized behavior difficulties: depression, isolation, withdrawal.
Emotional difficulties: shame, fear, confusion, rage.
Poor social skills.
Developmental delays.
Protection of mother, sees her as "weak".
Guarded/secretive about family.

Adolescence
Internalized and externalized behavior problems can become extreme and dangerous: drug/alcohol, truancy, gangs, sexual acting out, pregnancy, runaway, suicidal.
Dating relationships may reflect violence learned or witnessed in the home.

From Boulder (CO) County Safehouse

raerae6

The national domestic abuse hotline number is 1-800-799-safe.

yourgirl

I'm not sure if this is where all this goes but I saw the word abuse and settled here. I am just so blown away today by the fact that I am stuck back on step one of my healing from my Ah/Me relationship. Sometimes I sit here and read alot of the post and think that there are just people who need to move on, get over and stop complaining. And then Like today I am overcome with weakness and let myself become a stupid wailing crying victim of his mean and nasty self. I am so humbled today . I feel really stupid myself and embarrassed and quilty of being wrong . I am just as bad as we all are without working the steps in every move I make. Not until I decided I could use a little step work what the heck did I realize how far I have to go or do I just have to do forever. Its almost addicting being here on SR itself because the good days are so unbelievable and then when one of these awful days come along do I realize how much I need to work these steps and live only in this way.

Ann

Don't let it overwhelm you, yourgirl. One day at a time, one step at a time and you'll get there, I promise. You haven't failed, you just ran out of energy for a while. Recharge your batteries and you'll be wiser for the pause.

Hugs

faithfully

Thank you for reminding me that I was/am abused. I got away, for the fifth time and now still consider going back. What the F is wrong with me. My thinking is screwed. I can't stop thinking negative things about myself. I think I'm even selfish for being here. I never give just take. But thank you again for reminding me I am and was an abused woman.

Ann

Welcome, Faithfully. Maybe before you take any action to go back, you could call a women's crisis line and they might connect you to some free counseling. Returning to the situation is what most women do, at least a number of times like you. Often they can't see alternatives, but there is help out there, I promise.

Sending prayers for you, no woman deserves to be abused.

Hugs

sherryb1010

Thank god my little sister left an abusive boyfriend 5 weeks ago. I am so proud of her!!!!! He was taking her paychecks and paying all his bills, and not hers. Her car was repossessed. She didn't have sanitary supplies. She couldn't leave to go to the dentist and her teeth hurt so bad she can't sleep at night.

This is how I convinced her that it IS abuse and to DO something:

I don't know how, but she convinced him to bring her here for a "visit". I guess he thought he better bring her or we're gonna know he's mean to her. So, I printed a list of the signs of abuse, much like the one above. Together, we highlighted everything that he did to her. When we were done, almost the entire page was yellow, and we were both sobbing.

So many times she had said, "I think I'm just being too sensitive." or "It's all in my head"

Well there it was in black and white...........The article said that if you found yourself saying those things that you had become brainwashed and your own good judgement was clouded because deep down you know that what is happening to you isn't really right.

I just thought this might help. I had begged and pleaded with her on the phone, but the day I laid it out for her and did the highlighter, was the day she took her life back.

She found a job this week and starts work on the 15th.

Ann

I volunteer with abused women and I know how hard it is for them to face reality and take back their lives.

My prayers go out for your sister, that she can continue to find her own strength and know she is worthy of love and respect.

She is blessed to have you for a sister.

Hugs

ICU

Great thread!

I'm not ready to share my entire story yet, but I will share this:

Happysoul, since you expressed not being sure how to help an abused woman, the very best advice I can suggest is this...have her call:

National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-7233
1-800-787-3224 (TTY For The Deaf)



These people are 'trained' in this subject matter and can alter their suggestions and advice to suit the individuals particular needs. My version and advice is only colored by my experience, and from things I have read in my recovery journey.

Speaking of which, here is one of them....

How To Support An Abused Woman

From the book: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft


If you would like to make a significant difference in the life of an abused woman you care about, keep the following principle fresh in your mind: Your goal is to be the complete opposite of what the abuser is.

THE ABUSER: Pressures her severely

SO YOU SHOULD: Be patient. Remember that it takes time for an abused woman to sort out her confusion and figure out how to handle her situation. It is not helpful for her to try to follow your timetable for when she should stand up to her partner, leave him, call the police, or whatever step you want her to take. You need to respect her judgment regarding when she is ready to take action -- something the abuser never does.


THE ABUSER: Talks down to her

SO YOU SHOULD: Address her as an equal. Avoid all traces of condescension or superior knowledge in your voice. This caution applies just as much or more to professionals. If you speak to an abused woman as if you are smarter or wiser than she is, or as if she is going through something that could never happen to you, then you inadvertently confirm exactly what the abuser has been telling her, which is that she is beneath him. Remember, your actions speak louder than your words.


THE ABUSER: Thinks he knows what is good for her better than she does

SO YOU SHOULD: Treat her as the expert on her own life. Don’t assume that you know what she needs to do. I have sometimes given abused women suggestions that I though were exactly right but turned out to be terrible for that particular situation. Ask her what she thinks might work and, without pressuring her, offer suggestions, respecting her explanations for why certain courses of action would not be helpful. Don’t tell her what to do.


THE ABUSER: Dominates conversations

SO YOU SHOULD: Listen more and talk less. The temptation may be great to convince her what a “jerk” he is, to analyze his motives, to give speeches covering entire chapters of this book. But talking too much inadvertently communicates to her that your thoughts are more important than hers, which is exactly how the abuser treats here. If you want her to value her own feelings and opinions, then you have to show her that you value them.


THE ABUSER: Believes he has the right to control her life

SO YOU SHOULD: Respect her right to self-determination. She is entitled to make decisions that are not exactly what you would choose, inducing the decision to stay with her abusive partner or to return to him after a separation. You can’t convince a woman that her life belongs to her if you are simultaneously acting like it belongs to you. Stay by her even when she makes choices that you don’t like.


THE ABUSER: Assumes he understands her children and their needs better than she does

SO YOU SHOULD: Assume that she is a competent, caring mother. Remember that there is no simple way to determine what is best for the children of an abused woman. Even if she leaves the abuser, the children’s problems are not necessarily over, and sometimes abusers actually create worse difficulties for the children post separation than before. You cannot help her to find the best path for her children unless you have a realistic grasp of the complicated set of choices that face her.


THE ABUSER: Thinks for her

SO YOU SHOULD: Think with her. Don’t assume the role of teacher or rescuer. Instead, join forces with her as a respectful and equal team member.


Notice that being the opposite of the abuser does not simply mean saying the opposite of what he says. If he beseeches her with, “Don’t leave me, don’t leave me,” and you stand on the other side badgering her with, “Leave him, leave him,” she will feel that you’re much like him; you are both pressuring her to accept your judgment of what she should do. Neither of you is asking the empowering question, “What do you want to do?”


Dealing with Your Own Frustrations:
Because empowerment and recovery for an abused woman can be a long process, people who want to be there for her tend to go through periods when their patience wears thin. They are tempted to aim their frustration at the woman herself, saying, “Well, if you put such a low value on yourself as to choose to be abused, I can’t keep hanging around,” or “If you care about him more than you care about your children, you’re as sick as he is.” I understand why you feel irritated, but it doesn’t make sense to put her down. The message you send with such an outburst is that you think she is causing herself to be abused, which is just what the abuser is telling her. And the last thing you want to do is support his message.

One of the biggest mistakes made by people who wish to help an abused woman is to measure success by whether or not she leaver her abusive partner. If the woman feels unable or unready to end her relationship, or if she does separate for a period but then goes back to him, people who have attempted to help tend to feel that their effort failed and often channel this frustration into blaming the abused woman. A better measure of success for the person helping is how well you have respected the woman’s right to run her own life -- which the abusive man does not do -- and how well you have helped her to think of strategies to increaser her safety. If you stay focused on these goads you will feel less formulation as a helper and will be a more valuable resource for the woman.

When your frustration is about to get the best of you, seek support for yourself. Talk to someone you care about. Share how painful it is to be unable to instantly pluck the abused woman from her thorny trap, which of course is what you wish you could do, as do I. Tell about the rage you feel toward the man who is abusing her. Then prepare yourself to go back and be patient and loving with the woman you are trying to help. Abused women tell me over and over again that nothing has mattered more to their progress toward safety and recovery that the love and support of friends, relatives, and respectful professionals.

One more word of caution: I observe that many people are eager to find something wrong with an abused woman, because if they can’t, they are confronted with the uncomfortable reality that any woman can be abused. The urge to find fault in her interferes with your ability to help her -- and ultimately colludes with the abusive man.

Ann

Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ng-abuser.html

Why You Can't 'Just Be Friends' With Your Ex

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-your-ex.html