Had a tantrum - mad at myself
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Central Coast, CA
Posts: 77
Had a tantrum - mad at myself
Good Morning Everyone!
I was doing so good these last few days just moving out of the way and not catching my AH, but also not reacting much to the disease, just working on my peace.
This morning after dropping off the kids at school I came to the house to pick up my work stuff to head up to the office and he's sitting on the couch with his head in his hands and said, "I feel like I just don't get any help." What!?!?!
I asked politely, "Help with what?" No answer. I thought about snapping at him about what a ridiculous statement that was, then talked myself down.
Then, about a minute later, I asked if he didn't get help with taking care of the kids, acquiring the food and household items, taking kids to school and practices, working at his business, working with the kids on homework and softball/baseball skills, preparing meals, laundry, changing sheets, sweeping and vacuuming, accounting, banking, paying the bills - What?
I said, "What, exactly, do you not get help with? Your employees do all your work, your assistant coaches do your coaching job and I do all the parenting." (He's a HS Varsity coach of a current sport in our very tight knit community - worked at it for 15 years to earn that position that he's had for a year and if he keeps up he'll get fired soon - the kids and their parents are starting to talk about his strange behavior. I've considered calling the Athletic Director myself, but that would be trying to control things - I'm trying to get out of the business of controlling things.)
Then, I said, "The only thing you don't get help with is getting drunk. I'm going to the office now to try to save our business," slammed the door and left. (This is the part I really am ashamed about.)
I should've just kept my mouth shut and let him feel sorry for himself. Instead now an angry wife's tantrum is his problem instead of his pathetic life. I felt better at the time, though. Not sure what the best thing is.
Next time I'll try to do it differently...
I was doing so good these last few days just moving out of the way and not catching my AH, but also not reacting much to the disease, just working on my peace.
This morning after dropping off the kids at school I came to the house to pick up my work stuff to head up to the office and he's sitting on the couch with his head in his hands and said, "I feel like I just don't get any help." What!?!?!
I asked politely, "Help with what?" No answer. I thought about snapping at him about what a ridiculous statement that was, then talked myself down.
Then, about a minute later, I asked if he didn't get help with taking care of the kids, acquiring the food and household items, taking kids to school and practices, working at his business, working with the kids on homework and softball/baseball skills, preparing meals, laundry, changing sheets, sweeping and vacuuming, accounting, banking, paying the bills - What?
I said, "What, exactly, do you not get help with? Your employees do all your work, your assistant coaches do your coaching job and I do all the parenting." (He's a HS Varsity coach of a current sport in our very tight knit community - worked at it for 15 years to earn that position that he's had for a year and if he keeps up he'll get fired soon - the kids and their parents are starting to talk about his strange behavior. I've considered calling the Athletic Director myself, but that would be trying to control things - I'm trying to get out of the business of controlling things.)
Then, I said, "The only thing you don't get help with is getting drunk. I'm going to the office now to try to save our business," slammed the door and left. (This is the part I really am ashamed about.)
I should've just kept my mouth shut and let him feel sorry for himself. Instead now an angry wife's tantrum is his problem instead of his pathetic life. I felt better at the time, though. Not sure what the best thing is.
Next time I'll try to do it differently...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Originally Posted by Over_It 
I should've just kept my mouth shut and let him feel sorry for himself. Instead now an angry wife's tantrum is his problem instead of his pathetic life. I felt better at the time, though. Not sure what the best thing is.
Sorry you are hurting......so you said the truth...so be it. I don't think it was such a terrible thing.
But,since it bothers you,next time you'll know that and do it differently. I wasnt to thank you for this post...your wording about gave me a few new thoughts on an old concept, and it helped me.
Try not to be so hard on yourself, and thanks for your imput! You're doing great....ALL the things you are doing!
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Hate that you are dealing with such a overwhelming situation - please try to remember that we are doing the best we can with what we have.
Ok, so maybe you could have handled it with a little more self-respect & self-control (myself being a recovering thrower constantly have to work on "not" throwing things or not slamming doors when I'm feeling frustrated!!) Guess what, you will probably get another opportunity to try to do it a little more "recovery" oriented the next time.
Forgive yourself for being human, ask your HP for help in learning to communicate in a more productive manner & try to let it go.
Hope you have a peaceful evening,
Rita
Ok, so maybe you could have handled it with a little more self-respect & self-control (myself being a recovering thrower constantly have to work on "not" throwing things or not slamming doors when I'm feeling frustrated!!) Guess what, you will probably get another opportunity to try to do it a little more "recovery" oriented the next time.
Forgive yourself for being human, ask your HP for help in learning to communicate in a more productive manner & try to let it go.
Hope you have a peaceful evening,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hi,
It sounds like some good recovery to me...detaching, hands off etc. I need to remind myself of how far along I have come... and maybe the phrase "progress not perfection' applies to you too.
The way you described your thinking processes in relation to what you will and will not do, and why, is an excellent example of how anon recovery works.
cmc
It sounds like some good recovery to me...detaching, hands off etc. I need to remind myself of how far along I have come... and maybe the phrase "progress not perfection' applies to you too.
The way you described your thinking processes in relation to what you will and will not do, and why, is an excellent example of how anon recovery works.
cmc
Royalty
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 366
I thought everyone was saying they were over it.... lol
So now that I am up to speed, and figured out that's your name, hello!
As overwhelming as everything you are doing (which seems like alot!), do you think you're AH meant that he was overwhelmed? My AH makes off the wall comments like that, like he is waiting for me to ask WHAT? I see it as wanting attention like a little kid does (Hey MOM, Hey MOM, Hey....until you say WHAT??!!!!) It's hard to keep my composer after awhile. Sometimes I snap, sometimes I don't......I think it's a natural response to frustration. I wouldn't worry about it much. (im over it :P )
So now that I am up to speed, and figured out that's your name, hello!
As overwhelming as everything you are doing (which seems like alot!), do you think you're AH meant that he was overwhelmed? My AH makes off the wall comments like that, like he is waiting for me to ask WHAT? I see it as wanting attention like a little kid does (Hey MOM, Hey MOM, Hey....until you say WHAT??!!!!) It's hard to keep my composer after awhile. Sometimes I snap, sometimes I don't......I think it's a natural response to frustration. I wouldn't worry about it much. (im over it :P )
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Ohio
Posts: 105
It's easy to allow our buttons to get pushed and even easier to respond. Remember, you're only human.
There've been plenty of times when I just couldn't help myself from making some sort of comment, some in-your-face- here's the truth kinda statement. Did it help the situation? No....(darn it). But, boy, did it sure feel good to let off a little steam!
Maybe the truths we spew their way really isn't meant for them, but rather we derive something good from having said it aloud (beyond letting off steam, I mean). What I'm getting at is, each time I heard myself making a statement to my AH about the realities of his drinking, the impact it was having, something about saying it aloud made me stop and think about the situation and ponder 'Why was I allowing myself to stay in such a mess?" Thinking those thoughts in my head was one thing, but when I articulated it out loud to him, it became real to me in a motivating kind of way....if that makes sense at all....
Oh well...just my 2 cents.
~ghm
There've been plenty of times when I just couldn't help myself from making some sort of comment, some in-your-face- here's the truth kinda statement. Did it help the situation? No....(darn it). But, boy, did it sure feel good to let off a little steam!
Maybe the truths we spew their way really isn't meant for them, but rather we derive something good from having said it aloud (beyond letting off steam, I mean). What I'm getting at is, each time I heard myself making a statement to my AH about the realities of his drinking, the impact it was having, something about saying it aloud made me stop and think about the situation and ponder 'Why was I allowing myself to stay in such a mess?" Thinking those thoughts in my head was one thing, but when I articulated it out loud to him, it became real to me in a motivating kind of way....if that makes sense at all....
Oh well...just my 2 cents.
~ghm
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Central Coast, CA
Posts: 77
Thank you so much everyone!!!
I smiled when I read your responses - we do all have so much in common it seems. I needed to smile! (sometimes it was an outright laugh - way better than exploding from gas!) And you're probably right - there's a possibility that both of us needed to hear it, out loud.
This afternoon a well meaning person out there helped get some natural consequences started - AH's coaching job is probably over now. I was surprised at how humiliated I was by him losing that job. (I have just recently become really involved in the sport as one of my kids is getting pretty good at it - at a lower age and ability level, but the community is all so interconnected....but I was just starting to feel like I "belong.") I don't hold it against the whistleblower, though - she was really doing the right thing by her conscience, especially since youth are the ones being coached.
It's ironic - that's the only part of life AH was really still trying to do and it was the first to "go down the tubes."
I guess it's time to find out who my real friends are...
Love to you all, and thanks again for the support!
I smiled when I read your responses - we do all have so much in common it seems. I needed to smile! (sometimes it was an outright laugh - way better than exploding from gas!) And you're probably right - there's a possibility that both of us needed to hear it, out loud.
This afternoon a well meaning person out there helped get some natural consequences started - AH's coaching job is probably over now. I was surprised at how humiliated I was by him losing that job. (I have just recently become really involved in the sport as one of my kids is getting pretty good at it - at a lower age and ability level, but the community is all so interconnected....but I was just starting to feel like I "belong.") I don't hold it against the whistleblower, though - she was really doing the right thing by her conscience, especially since youth are the ones being coached.
It's ironic - that's the only part of life AH was really still trying to do and it was the first to "go down the tubes."
I guess it's time to find out who my real friends are...
Love to you all, and thanks again for the support!
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