cinderellawkids

I know we are not supposed to watch for it, but sometimes I cant help notice. I focus harder and harder on me, but its the little things that show depression edging in as always just before a bad fall (not just a relapse, but an all out daily alcohol and DOC downspiral)

Im sitting back, waiting prepared not to get on this roller coaster I know all to well. This is where the frustrating powerlessness part comes on at, the part that drives the sane ones crazy.

With my husband when he's great he's great, but there are 2 other personalities as well. There's the semi functioning A that uses every week to two for a night and picks himself up, but then there's the one that starts doing shots, hinding the boos, becoming a daily drunk and starts a using/drinking sprint than can go on forever.

Today Im leaving it in Gods hands, preparing for a disaster as I would in a storm but waiting and hoping for the best, because that is all I can do.

cinderellawkids

Maybe its just me, somethings definately going on with me this week. I feel unsettled and sorta ...lost.

cinderellawkids

Thanks for that explanation. We too have names for our alter egos and by using teh sexy ones can guarantee a great night no matter what. Balance, that is the key, you are so right.

I think too, many times I switched into the down person and create drama to feel normal, as a drama triangle, he reacts and we all create this crazy system. Today Im sitting here, with nothing really wrong, yet feeling off kilter , off balance and not finding enough dark chocolate to raise my seratonin levels appropriately. It would be all to easy to say the heck with it and pop a valium, but I will not give in to that voice either.

Balance, I ahve to reach my balance and remember this crazy way I feel today is a lot more about me than another and it too will pass.

hope213

there were times when things did not feel qiute right & then it does pass with no drama..everything is fine & i have wasted my day with worry.i am glad that does not happen as often any more.

Jewelz

Usually for me when things dont feel right it usually means everything will turn upside down again. But that doesn't mean you have to go down as well. Stay strong and keep posting and work on yourself as much as possible.

hugs,
jewel

teke

there are those down days that i have and i feel like its just me and then there are those times leading up to a binge, not that i'm on pins and needles waiting for the ball to drop, but i notice the that attitude change, or i can recognize that addictive behavior surfacing.

funkzter

Hey Cinderella,

Definitely i feel it coming: depression, relapse, whatever you call it.
I kinda felt rain will relapse 2 days before he actually acted on it...and the day he did relapse i woke up with big anxiety without knowing (but guessing) at that time why i was feeling anxious.
So, i knew i was back at the roller coaster game...but then again, it's up to us to quit or not.

Hugs
Carine

Lithloren

Dear Cinder,

I don't see it, but I feel it.

As I was reading Corine's post I remembered that the first thing I would feel is a disconnection from him. I could even be at work and feel this disconnection from him.

Then the depession, anxiety, anger all rolled into one would be there. Sure enough, he was using.

Lithloren

Babs

Your gut always knows. I could always tell when a fall was coming....I can't even explain how. I just always knew. And that would be when the walking on eggshells would begin.....and the waiting.......and the watching your back.....and the P*A*R*A*N*O*I*A! God, it was an awful way to live.

Cinder, You have been so strong for so long! You always look to yourself to do the right thing. You will get through this episode. You are amazing.

How is the house coming?

((Hugs))
Babs

tropikgal2

Always trust your gut instinct, even if it seems like you are overly paranoid. So far my RAH is doing well in recovery, but of course he still has anxious days and I can tell even when we aren't around each other. It will be a good day when these feelings are over with; I don't think I can take this forever, but for now things are good overall.

cinderellawkids

It was the sense of detachment from him, and yes he once again failed. I kept my composure and enjoyed having my bed to myself. I actually kept my mouth shut when he came in, had no comments and nothing to say.
To my surprise he got up for work 2 hours later. So unlike him. Im leaving my opinions to myself and letting him handle this.

I have noticed something odd, I knew seconds before he disappeared out of the blue he had this awful hacking cough. (He was in bed) He got up and vomitted and then slipped out the door. This is becoming the routine, odd but he vomits just before taking off, every time.
I noticed that this happened a year ago before he went to jail too.

Importantly, my reactions. My reactionary past is slowly becoming under my control. I can bite my tongue if I want, and it is getting easier.