Sunflower

I was sitting next to my AS at dinner tonight. He has been sober for 6 months now and doing great.Still that feeling comes over me --'is he drinking again' I do a total assessment of his eyes'are they red?' I pretend to lean over to get something and breath in deeply"is there alcohol on his breath"---it never ends does it.I didn't say anything out loud but I was still falling back into that pattern again.How do you stop it.In a way I felt sad because I think he noticed me staring etc.....I still can't trust him....

GwenMarie30

I cant really say how you should feel. I know what your feeling though. As an addict in recovery, I have no problem with wanting to show that I am clean and sober. I lost all trust when I was using so its natural that I have to earn that trust back. But I also over the years learned to hide it to the point, my significant other didnt have a clue of my addict problem for over 5 years. I know have a little over a year. He never ask anymore. But I make it a point to bring it up when the time is right that I remain clean and sober. Even after all this time I have of being clean I can see it in his eyes that he wonders.
For him it does no good to wonder. An addict will lie just to please you. What my bf looks at is my behavior and my attitude. My actions speaks volumes to him now.

prodigal

GwenMarie, your response really hit home for me. Look at the behaviors, the behaviors, THE BEHAVIORS - HELLO!!! Yes, the addict will lie about anything under the sun and say and/or agree with anything just to "please" their significant other, get the other to shut up and put up, rope them into believing "all is well," or as a mechanism to feel they are keeping a lid on things and maintaining control.

Someone who has worked as an addictions counselor told me something today: "How can you actually tell when an active addict is lying? They open their mouth."

hope2bhappy

And I go the complete opposite way. We are 30-something days into recovery, and his slipping doesn't even cross my mind. He was more than an hour late coming home from an AA meeting the other night. I just assumed he went for coffee afterwards with his new friends. I never thought, "Oh no! He's out drinking!!!"

WHY??? Am I just stupid or in denial about not having these doubts after so many years of living with the active disease. Why don't I worry???

chero

H2BH, You never thought that he was out drinking? I think my AH is drinking...well, always. Even if I know he isn't, I doubt it. I think that is amazing that you trust like that. I don't know how you got there but bravo!

parentrecovers

i just always remind myself - i can't control my daughter's choices. blessings, k

hope2bhappy

I don't know how I "got here" either. If I did, I could probably write a book about it and make millions (like Melanie Beatty). When he was drinking, I didn't usually sit and wonder about it. I KNEW it. Sometimes I would have shaky, weak moments where I would worry about my own future. But these moments would pass. Now that he's NOT drinking... same thing. I don't really think about it. I can't define it or explain it.

I'm not even sure it has anything to do with "trust." I believe "trust" involves 2 or more people. When you "trust" someone, you are relying on that person not to let you down. That's a pretty tall order. This is really about ME, only. So... what I feel, feels more like an "acceptance" of whatever will be will be. That's the only way I can describe it.

LaTeeDa

Ah, but it is about trust. The most important kind. It's about trusting yourself enough to know that whatever the other person does, you will make the best decisions and take the proper actions for YOU. It's about being able to rely on you not to let you down. It's difficult to get there, but it must be worth it cuz I'm still shooting for it!

L

HolyQow

I think that's a Mom thing, not a codie thing.... you also probably noticed whether he needs a haircut, or if he cleaned his ears or not....

I think it's a little different being married to the A, because we have never been in control of them, and never will be. They are 100% responsible for themselves..... but a son ? We have always done so much for them, it would be a hard thing to break that, whether they had an addiction or not.

I do have trust issues though....once that trust was destroyed, I doubt that I can ever get that back to 100%.....there is always going to be that 1% that questions everything my AH says.

Just try not to dwell on it...find something else about him (and bug the heck outta him for that) instead.

LiLL

I do the same too. Not so often as before, because I’m so good at telling the difference now, just by the way he talks. Haha!
No good! I know! No good for me, and no good for the A. I figure if someone tries to monitor my progress on something and I get annoyed enough, I’ll just rebel and deliberately ruin that something?!
My fear of my AH’s relapse have driven me crazy many times, and I believe I am the one responsible for overcoming this fear. I don’t want to justify these thoughts thinking it’s the A’s responsible to earn my trust again. If you have the book One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, read the topics on “slips” and “sobriety”. They remind me that I have no control over the A and that letting them learn in their own way and in their own time is the best solution.

hope3

Hi frizzylynn, as to this post>

Thanks for sharing this, I just asked my Brighteyes, if she still tries to sneak

a sniff, she said no, but if I looked a little wierd and she suspected, she would.

Then I asked her if she still worried sometimes that I might drink when I'm at school or out and about shopping or what have you. She said, yes I do (which I fully expected) but, It is lessening as time goes by...

So, there you have it, you are not crazy, and time will probably stop it..

Hey, he, I lied a lot while actively using.....Bless you Frizzylynn,

hugs (((((((((((hope3)))))))))

P.S. Love is giving, But, giving your only sleeping bag to your dog?
I don't know, but maybe I am a enabler...Ha, Ha...

Sunflower

Hope3---nothing could make me smile more than this picture--I am a huge pet lover--I have a cairn terrier-Lotte--you are right about the codie thing---I know I am that for the pooch--and really in a way it has taken a lot of pressure off my AS because I focus on and spoil my pooch awful-haha--sleeping bag?? Mine sleeps right in the bed with me-has its own pillow hahahahah

Sunflower

Thank you all for your replies--nice to know I am not alone in this.....

embraced2000

hi frizzy.....i've done the same at times.

my son was diagnosed type 1 diabetes at age 15. he was in such denial about it, and would refuse to take care of himself. he was in the hospital 12 times near death before the age of 20.

i was certain i could make him take care of himself and had charts and graphs all over the place. every conversation i had with him had to do with whether he had taken his blood sugar, taken his insulin, trying to smell him to see if he was in ketoacidosis.....i had the control bug real bad.

when i finally started going to al-anon, he was the first person i practiced my new skill on.....i crawled off of his back.

lo and behold, we developed a new relationship. he went into the hospital one more time after that, they intubated him, put him on a respirator, placed him in a medically induced coma, and surgically placed a direct line into his heart for medications.

i turned everything over to my higher power that night...first time i had ever done that.....and an actual feeling of serenity and peace wafted down over me.....it felt like an actual veil of comfort settling over me.

so now, whenever i suspect that he is not taking care of himself, and he has "that smell", i take his face in my hands, look deeply into his eyes, and say with the mother only type of conviction and a smile......keegan, i love you, and i'm glad you were placed into my heart.

he is 22 now, and he always shrugs away and says....i know, i know.

but we have that instant of locking eyes...and he knows and i know. and he takes such better care of himself now. i never talk about it, unless he does.

sorry.....this is long....just wanted you to know that i understand.

hope3

According to my dog Frizzylynn, Love is also

Giving up the reclyner, and the boat for him.

However, he says, he gives me love by wearing these stupid

costumes...Ha, Ha..(((((((((hope3))))))))

hope3

Hi embraced, that would do it for me!

Quote embraced:so now, whenever i suspect that he is not taking care of himself, and he has "that smell", i take his face in my hands, look deeply into his eyes, and say with the mother only type of conviction and a smile......keegan, i love you, and i'm glad you were placed into my heart.:end quote

Yep,I would run out to the grocery store and stock up on all the dietary foods and get right back on my regimen....Bless you...(((((((((hope3))))))))

embraced2000

lololo......if only that would have worked on my x, eh?

i'm not so sure it works on my son, but i just know that it reaffirms to me that it is his decision to live his life the way he wants. and by me doing this, i am telling him, i love him no matter.

he was my surprise child.....my oldest is 35....whew!

love those pics, hope....that is one loved dog!

hope3

Yes, he is one spoiled oops, I mean loved dog....

Wow, you have a 35 year old son? Well, maybe a handshake

is appropriate after a date then,,,lol I read your post (date) I have been looking for a funny picture of a date shake,,,,Ha, Ha,

Sorry Frizzy lynn, kind of hijacked your thread for a momment, sorry...Hope3

laurie6781

Frizzy, I'll be my 'alkie hat' on and say this.

My mom did that to me for about 3 years or so, but it was less and less during those 3 years, lol. It took her that long to really ACCEPT that I was sober and remaining sober. She would watch me like a hawk.

As a recovering alkie (who didn't get sober until she was 33 1/2 years old, lol) I had to accept her behavior as part of the price I had to pay for my actions during my drinking years.

My actions, not my words, is what gave her comfort and slowly the trust returned. I think what you did was absolutely normal actions for the parent, child, spouse or s.o. of an alcoholic.

Please do not be so hard on yourself. It takes time for the trust to return.

Hope you enjoyed your time with your son.

Ok will take off my 'alkie hat' now, lol.

Love and hugs,

hope3

Ditto, Lauriel..hope3