kj0975

I'm sure this has been asked b4 but I often wonder what did everyone who has left their addict do to heal the broken heart? I see people on here who are leaving after 17 + yrs of marriage or being in a relationship. Doesnt matter how long your with your addict it hurts to leave sometimes more than staying.

I found my friends to be a huge part of moving on. I found thinking about all the bad instead of the good to be helpful too. I know it took alot of time and some mourning I thought he was my soul mate but obviously he had one love and it wasnt me. SIGH!

Any advice or tips? This might help some newcomers since there are no other threads.

fleaSha

I'm getting there. I've been with mine going on 4 years. He's in jail right now and I'm learning that I DON'T really need him. I went to visit him last night and looking at him did nothing for me. Its almost like I didn't recognize him. Now that he's gone and I can go through all his stuff (I know, not a good thing to do, but still... ) and finding all the pawn tickets for the things he's stolen to buy crack... just makes it easier to start my moving on. I think.

Noah812

KJ - TIME TIME TIME!!! It is the one thing that will ease your pain. In the mean time a few tips. One if you hear a song that makes you think of him, a show whatever change the channel and distract yourself. When you find yourself romantizing your ex having somehow forgettingall the horrible and remembering all the good, DON'T. If you have to think about him think about him and how and what he has taken from you. How he hurt you and caused you pain or what ever. Dont make him out ot be something he was not now that he is gone. Do things for you that make you feel good. Lastly, the only way for my recovery to stay intact was to break off all communication from ex. It would take 20 seconds to tear down weeks of my recovery and have me a angry lunitic at her. He is not worth, fix yourself and then maybe you can talk to him but pulling a bandaid off real slow is torture, just do it.

Lovestoomuch

He did it actually. His antics drove any love I had for him out the door. It was a slow process, but it happened. I took some time off for "me" out of fear of jumping right back into another unhealthy relationship. It's so much easier when you've lost feelings for that person already.

Every now and again I'll hear a song that brings me back to a time when things were good. I make myself listen to it and process my feelings about it. Sometimes that's hard and I still cry, but it's also healing to be able to get past the pain rather than keep it burried up inside.

Lovestoomuch

Oh.....and another thing.....I did nice things for myself when I could and that included SHOE SHOPPING!

kj0975

AHHH Yes shoe shopping I have proof thats my fix all. About 300 pairs lol. AND I wear every pair lol!

Trying_in_Texas

Good topic. I will be interested in seeing what everyone else has to say. I just finally broke it of with ex-ABF this weekend... although it has probably been coming for a long time.

I have to keep myself pretty busy not to go into that "romanticizing" as Noah spoke of right now - I figure, too, that time will heal most of what's hurting right now. And trying to come to the resolution that I made the right decision - that's important too.

Lovestoomuch

For anyone going through this painful process I just want to add. Like you all know.....I found someone wonderful to share my life with. It took a long time, but it happened. They are out there I promise. The most important thing you can do is to take some time out for yourself to get to know you again and to process your feelings. Rome wasn't built in a day and healing takes time and patience. Embrase those times you feel lonley. They only serve to make you stronger and more comfortable with being alone with your best friend.....who btw should be YOU.

krhea75

Hey loves,kj and all,
I agree about getting to know yourself. We get so wrapped up in someone else that we forget who we are. Do things for others and yourself.Nothing brings me out of the dumps as doing something for someone else. We get back what we give out in life.
krhea

faithhopelovejr

I sometimes talk outloud to myself and say STOP,STOP QUIT THINKING ABOUT HIM!!! Then I remember the three C's. I pray for strength. I pray that if it's not God's will for me to be with him, then give me strength to get through this. Each time I pray, usually within a few days, I get an answer. Once was the day before I found out he got a DWI. I prayed to please give me a sign that I need to let him be. The next day, he was humbly telling me he caused a wreck and got a DWI. He even had already rationalized in his sick mind that it wasn't "that big of a deal" and that he probably would be punished at the bare minimum! Then I became weak and he had been calling me, so I prayed for strength. A couple of days later, I found out that when he moved out, he had gone out on a few dates with someone and had spoken to this person multiple times on his cell phone (saw the recs.). That day, I filed for divorce. I can roll with the punches pretty well, but when it comes to infidelity, no holds barred. What God is showing me is that I don't even know him anymore. All of the "qualities" he had are long gone. The things that are happening are TOTALLY out of character for him, but SO PERFECTLY IN LINE WITH ADDICTION.

funkzter

Hi kj,

I know that when i was "on a break" with my abf, i kept myself busy busy busy. I'm lucky enough to have a great job which allows me to travel so change of scenery definitely helped. If not, just make sure you're well surrounded by friends & family and do stuff for yourself (massage and co)

Ok, that said, i'm back to square one and probably will need to do that all over again...and thinking about it: it sucks.
Oups...sorry! Came from the heart! lol
Well, you know what i mean...it's not an easy path to go through when you love someone...sigh....

xoxo
Carine

Cupicake

Wow!...Good question. I would think some might hold on to a toxic relationship for fear of what emotional pain awaits them. I realized recently after some self reflection that I held on as much for me as I thought I held on for him and our marriage. I was afraid of being alone...I didn't want to be alone so at the time I allowed myself to suffer rather than journey on a quest for peace and self discovery.

When I finally filed for a divorce and he moved out of the house I healed in stages. He certainly gave me a good head start though because he basically sank further into his drug abuse. It just solidified my decision.

I could go on and on about my story but really everyone gets through it in their own way. I didn't just rip the bandaid off. I'm just not that type of person. The honest truth is..it just takes time. I don't think closing the doors on your emotions is the way to go because eventually everything comes back to bite you in the arse if not properly dealt with. Deal with what you are feeling, as painful as it might be, get past it and then move on. I don't mean to make it sound so simple b/c it isn't but it's possible. It does help to always remember the reason why you reached the end of your rope...why you finally chose to leave. Coming here and reading posts about people still going through what I was going through is a constant reminder of why I don't want to go backwards. I have many "Ahhhh....that's why" moments.

Take time for yourself. Remember all those times you used to rush home only to land in chaos and drama. All those times you holed yourself up at home because you didn't want him to run out and get high for just one day. All of those "going nowhere fast" arguments. All those times spent worrying and agonizing over where he is. Now....take a nice leisurly walk or drive home from work knowing that you are going home to peace and quiet and where he is really is none of your concern now. Enjoy a day out with friends and know that you can actually let loose and relax instead of wondering where he is and what he's doing at that very moment the whole time you are out. It's All So Very Exhausting! Revel in knowing that things never have to be the same again. You now control your time and what you do with it again.

nevergivingup

Xabf in general was a good way and continues to be the ultimate way of getting over him. Everytime I think he's remotely normal, he speaks..... and then I'm continuously reminded why I walked away from it all. Sometimes I find myself slipping back into the fantasy world but he always comes through..... bringing me right back to that reality!!!!!!

My friends were helpful in getting through alot of the crying and supporting me to actually walk away from it all. But, mostly I had to get through it myself and move passed it on my own.

nocellphone

I was only able to make the decision to leave my drug-of-choice ('cos that's what my girlfriend was, truth be told) when I finally realized that the pain of being without her--as excruciating as it would be...and it was--would eventually fade, while the pain of remaining in that toxic relationship would only grow and get worse with each day/week/month/year...

I had to put some very strict boundaries in place in order to begin a slow and difficult healing process. We'd been together the better (or worse?) part of ten years, so there really were no shortcuts to healing.

The first boundary was distance--the distance from Florida to New York, where she went back to live when we split up. The second boundary, which I put into place grudgingly, was cutting off all contact and changing my phone number to an unlisted one. You see, my requests that she stop calling me weren't working, so I had to make myself kind of invisible.

Another boundary was with myself. I chose to limit my thoughts where she was concerned. Rather than fall into romanticizing "maybe it wasn't that bad?" or "how good it could be if only...", when these thoughts arose, I chased them away as best I could. I literally put time limits on how long I'd sit in those mental places, 15 minutes max, then shorter and shorter.

I was told that my Higher Power would do for me that which I could not do for myself, so I turned to that Power through prayer and asked often to be relieved of the obsession, as it did not serve me or anyone else anymore (never had, actually).

I guess the bottom line is that I recovered through time and positive action. It took me a long time to get as deeply sick as I did in that relationship; it was gonna take a long time to heal. And it has.

I think we all find our way if we're looking...

rose

Good Topic,

Made me think as to what did it...I was married for 20 years to him last July been together for 26...so heart were heavy.

For me it took a mountain of chaos...get out

Then brought him back for a little more chaos...hadn't been knocked on the head enough...then another round of chaos....out he went again, but this time I was more content and less worried of what he was doing or where he was and stopped the searching....

But yet again I brought him back just for a few more knocks on the head and another round of chaos where the police had to get involved and put a order on him to stay away...god knows I depended on the police and there was no crying wolf...this was stay away and for me as well...so no contact!

Slowly but surely it felt good to know nothing, hear nothing...memories of what he was are memories and what it is now is what it is....it is not going back to the way it was and I just had to accept it.

How, not easy, what ever I had to do in the moment to get me through, sometimes I had to be with friends, sometimes I had to be alone and manytimes being alone and being lonely...no plan got me through. I still have my days and I have no idea how long I will continue to have them...but that shocking deep pain does go.

Rose

caughtinthemid

what I did when I left my AH, I found myself missing him and romanticizing the good times. To counter that, I created index cards of specific incidents that either solidified my position to leave, or embarassed or harmed me. When I got to missing him too much and only remembering the good times, I read a few of those cards to remind me of the "full picture" and try to keep my decision grounded.

I was not married for a very long time, but I was completely in love with the man, and it took a long time to get over it. This was 18 yrs ago and I have not remarried. But I am able to let that relationship go now. I hope you find equal peace soon.

hopeforever

im with my husband married,but i had to get over lots of things to be able to stay with him...
so its like in many ways im alone. but now hes in rehabagain.
so this what helps me
focus on my self, and the kids
get to know myself,, look at the good things in life
do stuff that keep me busy
concentrate on my recovery
stop feeling sorry formyself an pushmyself up and actually lol talking to myself,, lol like a coach

coming to this board
reading the book the courage to change.
do new stuff like you never did before lol like start paintting lol
do stuff for yorself,,
know its no your fault
take one day at a time
talk to someone
listen to music,, have a bath,, watch amovie,,

feel happy and proud of who you are.
ims enidng you hugs and i hope you feel better soon

kj0975

Well I guess I asked this ? to help new comers and also help me remember somethings. I'm not sure how many have followed my story my nieces live in the same town as my x DOC crack. After taking them to school I ran into him. I have heard he relapsed hard but didnt realize how hard. I ran into him at the gas station in womens terms he is so skinny he could be a size 1. He is 6'2" just looks sick. He was once a handsome man I had to fight other women off of him. He could see the look in my eyes when we made contact. My stomach sank. In my codie way I wanted to help him AGAIN. This time I thought about what he put me through and if I couldnt save him then I cant save him now. Its his choice. Just like it was when we were together. I said hi bought my lottery ticket said have a good day and left. I could feel the tears coming. I guess its hard no matter how long you have been apart. Seeing someone that was once your world become literally a shell of a person, to hard to watch. That is why I brought up the ? I can still see the image in my head and everytime I get sad.

teke

my rah is still around but during all those months and yrs breaks, i spent a lot of time praying for help in forgiving him for all the pain he had caused us. each time i found myself obsessing, i'd change the thought by praying for him and then my feelings toward him. in doing that, my anger and hurts slowly began to turn into compassion. i still sometimes struggle with the thought of the hurts of the past but, i'm learning to kind of seperate him from his addiction.

i also had a no contact rule for as long as i needed to. it takes a lot of time and effort and a good support group and the main thing for me was to turn all of our lives and emotions over to the care of god.

Elana

What has helped me was that I found out that he had been lying to me for years and cheating on me before he even moved in. I feel so violated.

I found this out and after the initial upset I have found real cold anger in my heart. I have told him to cease all contact. I have turned him in to the State Police for being always DUI and growing. I have sent the IRS all the info they need to garnish his pay and to take his bank account and the remainder of his inheritance. I revoked his membership at Sam's club and AAA. I have informed his boss of his violent threats against his co worker. I have informed the State Police of same. I have informed DMV that he no longer lives at this address and how to get hold of him.

There may be no results in any of this, but there may be. I don't know. I do know that if there are I will feel good about it.

If he contacts me again in any manner I am getting a restraining order.

Vengence may not be recovery. I don't care. This bag of S**T can go to he**.
He has put me at risk for HIV and has caused me to waste time feeling bad and hurt and crying and all that CRAP. Now I have to wait to get another HIV test in June.

I truly hope he lives a miserable life the rest of his days. Eventually I will let go of the anger because it is also a waste of energy.
Anger may not be recovery but it is a whole lot better than feeling sad.