Whew!!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Ohio
Posts: 444
Whew!!!!!
I just need to blow off a little steam at the expense of my friends....
My "A" hasn't said much of anything to me for the past 2 days. Just let me know in many ways that he's mad at me about something. He never lets me know what it is until he's done with the silent treatment. Now I know some of you are thinking you'd love to have the silent treatment. Well mine is like a simmering pot about to explode. He told me twice today he wanted to talk to me, and frankly, my stomach has been churning all day. I've been in prayer nearly all day, to try to get rid of this horrible uneasy feeling.
Well, finally this evening he let me know what it was. Remember me saying he had gone to the Christian book store to buy himself a larger print Bible? Well, last Sunday in Sunday School, I sat by a friend that was having a hard time reading her Bible because the print was small and she had forgotten her glasses. I joked with her a little about a large print Bible, and mentioned my husband had just bought one.
Well, this Sunday, she sat next to him, and leaned over and joked with me that she had brought her glasses this time, and she made an offhanded comment about our conversation last week, and that's what he was upset about! I had shown someone he was less than perfect!
Then he proceeded to go on and tell me that when I stand next to my sister-in-law that he doesn't make comments about how I look like her! She's 5'2" and weighs 260 lbs, to my 5'5" 160 lbs. Well, I'm just suppose to swallow this, just because he's been drinking, and said these things because of his "disease"? Sorry, I'm having a hard time with this one!
And the question is, will he remember any of this conversation in the morning.
But, be careful please, I'm wearing my emotions on my sleeve tonight. Thanks for letting me spout off.
Lyn
P.s. Does anyone know how I became a "Senior member"? Is it because I'm so wise?:p Or is it because I've been around 3 months?
My "A" hasn't said much of anything to me for the past 2 days. Just let me know in many ways that he's mad at me about something. He never lets me know what it is until he's done with the silent treatment. Now I know some of you are thinking you'd love to have the silent treatment. Well mine is like a simmering pot about to explode. He told me twice today he wanted to talk to me, and frankly, my stomach has been churning all day. I've been in prayer nearly all day, to try to get rid of this horrible uneasy feeling.
Well, finally this evening he let me know what it was. Remember me saying he had gone to the Christian book store to buy himself a larger print Bible? Well, last Sunday in Sunday School, I sat by a friend that was having a hard time reading her Bible because the print was small and she had forgotten her glasses. I joked with her a little about a large print Bible, and mentioned my husband had just bought one.
Well, this Sunday, she sat next to him, and leaned over and joked with me that she had brought her glasses this time, and she made an offhanded comment about our conversation last week, and that's what he was upset about! I had shown someone he was less than perfect!
Then he proceeded to go on and tell me that when I stand next to my sister-in-law that he doesn't make comments about how I look like her! She's 5'2" and weighs 260 lbs, to my 5'5" 160 lbs. Well, I'm just suppose to swallow this, just because he's been drinking, and said these things because of his "disease"? Sorry, I'm having a hard time with this one!
And the question is, will he remember any of this conversation in the morning.
But, be careful please, I'm wearing my emotions on my sleeve tonight. Thanks for letting me spout off.
Lyn
P.s. Does anyone know how I became a "Senior member"? Is it because I'm so wise?:p Or is it because I've been around 3 months?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
****{Lyn}}}
First a hug because you sound like you need one. And you become a "senior" member after a certain number of posts, and I forget what the number is LOL. I think around 100, but it may be 200. Good Lord, that would make me an "ancient" member.
Now, how can I put this gently? He is being petty and my guess is that some real issue lies deeper. Who cares if he need large print! I wear bifocals and can see diddly-squat without them, and large print to me is a gift that I would be happy to share. And the silent treatment is a passive-agressive way to torment you.
What would happen if you just chose not to react? If you just ignored it and allowed him to be silent alone. My guess is that he would be busting at the seams to tell you what was bugging him.
You don't have to participate. When he is giving the "silent treatment" you don't have to play a part in it. Just go about your life and pretend he has larengitis.
I include myself when I say that we are too quick to play into their games. We allow ourselves to be drawn into their drama, whether it is anger outbursts, pity parties, or silent treatments.
And we can choose to stay out of the theater. Doing that protects us and allows us to have respectable conversations on our own terms, with boundaries.
I will discuss anything, anytime, for as long as he wants, with my son when he is respectful and is willing to discuss at a conversational level. I show him respect and listen, really listen to what he is saying whether I agree or not, and he has learned to hear me out without interrupting when it is my turn to talk about my feelings. That took a long time for both of us, and it took me staying out of his drama and removing myself from his presence when he was disrespectful.
We get tired of the pretzel dance, and of walking around with a knot in our stomach trying to anticipate what is coming. And we learn to keep breathing and just look after ourselves.
Everything I have said here, was said to me at one time, because I was doing the same thing as you - walking on eggshells. So know that you are not alone with this, we've all been there.
Do I hear a "crunch"? .
First a hug because you sound like you need one. And you become a "senior" member after a certain number of posts, and I forget what the number is LOL. I think around 100, but it may be 200. Good Lord, that would make me an "ancient" member.
Now, how can I put this gently? He is being petty and my guess is that some real issue lies deeper. Who cares if he need large print! I wear bifocals and can see diddly-squat without them, and large print to me is a gift that I would be happy to share. And the silent treatment is a passive-agressive way to torment you.
What would happen if you just chose not to react? If you just ignored it and allowed him to be silent alone. My guess is that he would be busting at the seams to tell you what was bugging him.
You don't have to participate. When he is giving the "silent treatment" you don't have to play a part in it. Just go about your life and pretend he has larengitis.
I include myself when I say that we are too quick to play into their games. We allow ourselves to be drawn into their drama, whether it is anger outbursts, pity parties, or silent treatments.
And we can choose to stay out of the theater. Doing that protects us and allows us to have respectable conversations on our own terms, with boundaries.
I will discuss anything, anytime, for as long as he wants, with my son when he is respectful and is willing to discuss at a conversational level. I show him respect and listen, really listen to what he is saying whether I agree or not, and he has learned to hear me out without interrupting when it is my turn to talk about my feelings. That took a long time for both of us, and it took me staying out of his drama and removing myself from his presence when he was disrespectful.
We get tired of the pretzel dance, and of walking around with a knot in our stomach trying to anticipate what is coming. And we learn to keep breathing and just look after ourselves.
Everything I have said here, was said to me at one time, because I was doing the same thing as you - walking on eggshells. So know that you are not alone with this, we've all been there.
Do I hear a "crunch"?
.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hi Lyn!
I think I'd print an eyetest chart and glue it on something he was bound to see... like his morning cereal box. But that's just me.
GOOD
Morning
squinty
Possibly he confuses your silhouette with your sister's because things are all blurry around the edges to him. Poor thing. Maybe substitute a magnifying glass for his cereal spoon, too.
I think I'd print an eyetest chart and glue it on something he was bound to see... like his morning cereal box. But that's just me.
GOOD
Morning
squinty
Possibly he confuses your silhouette with your sister's because things are all blurry around the edges to him. Poor thing. Maybe substitute a magnifying glass for his cereal spoon, too.
Guest
Posts: n/a
Lyn,
They always know how to push our buttons. It's something they do when they are feeling bad about themselves. This just shows he has a lot of trouble with his self esteem. It really has nothing to do with you, but it hurts just the same. They know where our sensitive areas are and zone in on them. Remember the whole idea is to get it off of themselves and onto someone else. You just happened to be the sounding board for his low opinion of himself. Let it bounce right back off of you and right back onto him. It's just another form of manipulation.
Put on that armor.
Hugs,
MG
They always know how to push our buttons. It's something they do when they are feeling bad about themselves. This just shows he has a lot of trouble with his self esteem. It really has nothing to do with you, but it hurts just the same. They know where our sensitive areas are and zone in on them. Remember the whole idea is to get it off of themselves and onto someone else. You just happened to be the sounding board for his low opinion of himself. Let it bounce right back off of you and right back onto him. It's just another form of manipulation.
Put on that armor.
Hugs,
MG
Member
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: North Vancouver, British Columbia
Posts: 1,714
Smoke - I want to be just like you when I grow up - you are the best
(((((Lyn))))) I can so sympathize with you - I go through this ridiculous stuff all the time. I understand what you say about your stomach being in knots all day and wondering "what you did wrong." They will take the stupidest, pettiest thing and turn it into the crime of the century. I have gotten to the point where I check myself before I say anything to anyone, or do what comes naturally to me, because HE might not like it. This is something that I am learning to do differently, ever so slowly. My father was the same way - I remember walking into our house as a child and you could cut the air with a knife. I used to dread it and take it all onto myself and wonder if I was the one in trouble. Now I am in a relationship with someone who does the same thing. I would find myself wondering what kind of mood he would be in when I got home and how I could make things better. Now I'm slowly beginning to learn that it doesn't matter what kind of mood he's in and that if he wants to be an ass then so be it. Now, I'm not saying this is easy - I still find myself reacting to it. Sometimes I've had a hard day and my theshold is lower, but I'm trying to change my thinking and the way I react bit by bit.
It's all about control, Lyn. They do it because they can. Ann's and MG's advice is right on the money. It would be no fun for him to play a game by himself. It's cruel and it's immature, but you don't have to participate - baby steps, Lyn, baby steps!
Love and hugs.
(((((Lyn))))) I can so sympathize with you - I go through this ridiculous stuff all the time. I understand what you say about your stomach being in knots all day and wondering "what you did wrong." They will take the stupidest, pettiest thing and turn it into the crime of the century. I have gotten to the point where I check myself before I say anything to anyone, or do what comes naturally to me, because HE might not like it. This is something that I am learning to do differently, ever so slowly. My father was the same way - I remember walking into our house as a child and you could cut the air with a knife. I used to dread it and take it all onto myself and wonder if I was the one in trouble. Now I am in a relationship with someone who does the same thing. I would find myself wondering what kind of mood he would be in when I got home and how I could make things better. Now I'm slowly beginning to learn that it doesn't matter what kind of mood he's in and that if he wants to be an ass then so be it. Now, I'm not saying this is easy - I still find myself reacting to it. Sometimes I've had a hard day and my theshold is lower, but I'm trying to change my thinking and the way I react bit by bit.
It's all about control, Lyn. They do it because they can. Ann's and MG's advice is right on the money. It would be no fun for him to play a game by himself. It's cruel and it's immature, but you don't have to participate - baby steps, Lyn, baby steps!
Love and hugs.
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
(((((Lynn))))
Listen to the Ancient Ones they've been there and done that....
It seems to me that the hurts go deeper and harder for me to own or throw away when I am the most in need of love and kindness...
I keep this One Liner on my frig. just for me...
If I'm OK with me I have no need to make you wrong!!
Hope that helps..
Listen to the Ancient Ones they've been there and done that....
It seems to me that the hurts go deeper and harder for me to own or throw away when I am the most in need of love and kindness...
I keep this One Liner on my frig. just for me...
If I'm OK with me I have no need to make you wrong!!
Hope that helps..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Ohio
Posts: 444
Thanks so much!!!!!
You guys are the best! So many times I don't post, because it all begins to sound like a lot of complaining, and I get tired of hearing myself!:p But, I just needed to share it. Thanks so much.
Anns, I read your post last night, late, and it was too late to stay up and reply--but it was sure a much needed message. Thanks so much for taking the time so late to reply. I agree with what you said, and I really do know all this, but when I'm right in the middle of it, it just seems like so much to take.
Smoke-- you are a riot! Can I come live with you? I sure could use the laughs on a more regular basis! It's good medicine--my stomach ache is gone!
MG--you're right! And I was getting so good at not letting him push my buttons. I'm sure he needs me to compliment him and lift him up, but I just can't bring myself to do it yet--especially after the way he's been treating me!
Momof4girls--thanks so much for the hugs (I have 4 girls too--oh, and 1 boy last)
Margo--it good to hear someone else say it was the stupidest petty thing--he made it sound like it was the crime of the century, and I was really beating myself up for it.
Daffodil--I'm going to print your message and hang it on the wall--right next to the eyechart:shades: (just kidding about the eyechart--ooooh, but I am tempted)...j
On a side note--funny thing is, we had a company meeting for drug and alcohol screening compliance--so we can work on State jobs this morning at 6:30 (as my A went in with a hangover). The information we received was astounding. They shared information on the statistics of what conditions would be right to become an alcoholic. It was a real eye-opener for me, as well as my husband, I'm sure.
It said 1 drink=1 12 oz. 4-5 proof beer=1 12 oz. 4-5 proof winecooler=1 4 oz. 12% tablewine=1 oz. 100 proof Distilled Spirits.
2 drinks daily (5+ nights a week) are considered low risk.
3 drinks daily (4- nights a week) are considered low risk.
6 drinks once a week is high risk.
Anything higher than what I showed as low risk is high risk.
If the low risk is coupled with a hereditary factor--it can become high risk--depending on the person.
Guess this means the equivilent of 12+ drinks my husband has daily is high risk!?! Not to mention his father was an alcoholic.
I hope he learned something.
Thanks again, Lyn
Anns, I read your post last night, late, and it was too late to stay up and reply--but it was sure a much needed message. Thanks so much for taking the time so late to reply. I agree with what you said, and I really do know all this, but when I'm right in the middle of it, it just seems like so much to take.
Smoke-- you are a riot! Can I come live with you? I sure could use the laughs on a more regular basis! It's good medicine--my stomach ache is gone!
MG--you're right! And I was getting so good at not letting him push my buttons. I'm sure he needs me to compliment him and lift him up, but I just can't bring myself to do it yet--especially after the way he's been treating me!
Momof4girls--thanks so much for the hugs (I have 4 girls too
--oh, and 1 boy last)Margo--it good to hear someone else say it was the stupidest petty thing--he made it sound like it was the crime of the century, and I was really beating myself up for it.
Daffodil--I'm going to print your message and hang it on the wall--right next to the eyechart:shades: (just kidding about the eyechart--ooooh, but I am tempted)...j
On a side note--funny thing is, we had a company meeting for drug and alcohol screening compliance--so we can work on State jobs this morning at 6:30 (as my A went in with a hangover). The information we received was astounding. They shared information on the statistics of what conditions would be right to become an alcoholic. It was a real eye-opener for me, as well as my husband, I'm sure.
It said 1 drink=1 12 oz. 4-5 proof beer=1 12 oz. 4-5 proof winecooler=1 4 oz. 12% tablewine=1 oz. 100 proof Distilled Spirits.
2 drinks daily (5+ nights a week) are considered low risk.
3 drinks daily (4- nights a week) are considered low risk.
6 drinks once a week is high risk.
Anything higher than what I showed as low risk is high risk.
If the low risk is coupled with a hereditary factor--it can become high risk--depending on the person.
Guess this means the equivilent of 12+ drinks my husband has daily is high risk!?! Not to mention his father was an alcoholic.
I hope he learned something.
Thanks again, Lyn
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hey Lyn...
Tell squinty I need the magnifying glass if he's not using it. When I have a lot of hand sewing to do, I like to sit in front of the computer with the message board up while I'm working. That's all good... but I can't pick out seams with my glasses on and I can't see the board with them off. I just spent 5 minutes looking for my glasses when I heard the "ding" that meant there was a new message... they were on top of my head. Tell squinty it could be worse. He could be senile as well as nearsighted.:p
Hugs!
Smoke
Tell squinty I need the magnifying glass if he's not using it. When I have a lot of hand sewing to do, I like to sit in front of the computer with the message board up while I'm working. That's all good... but I can't pick out seams with my glasses on and I can't see the board with them off. I just spent 5 minutes looking for my glasses when I heard the "ding" that meant there was a new message... they were on top of my head. Tell squinty it could be worse. He could be senile as well as nearsighted.:p
Hugs!
Smoke
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Hey Lyn, Sorry I am late, but y'all must really be in a different time Zone or log on totally opposite from me. Seems I am usually on alone.
Looks like you have things all back in order....great big HUGS to ya!
Know what ya mean about those "digs", they just seem to roll off their tongues like it doesn't mean a thing. It is true though about not playing the game. My A has been a little frustrated lately that the game has changed and HE is not controlling it any more! SURPRISE, SURPRISE!!
The info about the drinks was really interesting. May have to leave that one lying around to be found or something.
(((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))
Constant
Looks like you have things all back in order....great big HUGS to ya!
Know what ya mean about those "digs", they just seem to roll off their tongues like it doesn't mean a thing. It is true though about not playing the game. My A has been a little frustrated lately that the game has changed and HE is not controlling it any more! SURPRISE, SURPRISE!!
The info about the drinks was really interesting. May have to leave that one lying around to be found or something.
(((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))
Constant
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Ohio
Posts: 444
You guys are so great! Constant, I think we are sharing the same life! I thought about posting that alcohol info on a separate post, maybe I still will. I thought it was interesting too.
Smoke--you are too funny! I've been trying to find a name to use for my "A", and Squinty it is! But I'm not really sure he's not senile too, as much as he forgets!
Hey, would you as your Dinotaur to look into his crystal ball and see if there's a future of peace and happiness ahead for me--it'd be nice to know I'm not working so hard at this for nothing!
Hugs,
Lyn
Smoke--you are too funny! I've been trying to find a name to use for my "A", and Squinty it is! But I'm not really sure he's not senile too, as much as he forgets!
Hey, would you as your Dinotaur to look into his crystal ball and see if there's a future of peace and happiness ahead for me--it'd be nice to know I'm not working so hard at this for nothing!
Hugs,
Lyn
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